divtr1ps Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 I met a guy on match.com 3 months ago and we have been dating for about 6 weeks now. He has introduced me to his kids (5 and 9) and his family and closest friends. We have spent the last 4 weekends together with his kids and we always have a great time. He texts me frequently through out the day to ask how my day's going and we talk almost every night. Oh yeah, and the sex is amazing! So what's the problem you might ask? Well, two days ago I went through my emails to find the first email he ever sent me. It was an email that came from the match website of course. My curiosity got the best of me and I clicked on his profile. Well that took me to it and it read "online within last 24 hrs." Also when I clicked on his photos it turns out he had more than I remember seeing originally. In fact, there was a photo of him and his kids at the first outing we went on together (which must've been taken before I got there--we drove separately that day). My heart sank. I am confused. I mean he seems to take me seriously enough to bring me into his world, yet he clearly he's still looking at whats out there on match. I dont know what to do now. We are scheduled to go on vacation together with the kids out of the country in a couple of weeks but just last night and this evening when i went to his profile it read "online now." I really need some advice here.Thanks. Confused Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 The only thing you can do is tell him that you know and it makes you uncomfortable. See what he says though certainly he could still lie. I don't blame you for being uneasy as this doesn't sound good. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ChessPieceFace Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 I assume you have talked about exclusivity and are exclusive... right? I wouldn't bother with honesty in this situation. Just make a fake profile with a fake (hot) pic, send him a message and see if he responds. Then you'll know. It's just the sad fact of it. You can't ever depend on honesty from people who are or may be cheating. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 Have you had a discussion about being exclusive and establishing related boundaries? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author divtr1ps Posted July 12, 2013 Author Share Posted July 12, 2013 No we have not yet had a discussion about being exclusive. I guess we are both just going with the flow and enjoying the times we spend together. He has told me (and I know for a fact) that I am the first woman he has introduced to his family and friends since his divorce 2 yrs ago. He has dated other women for several months at a time but they have broken it off with him because he wouldn't introduce them to his kids, family or friends. Part of me thinks he may be online checking to see if I'm on (which I am not since I can canceled my membership. Or maybe he keeps getting emails and hes just curious? I mean I still got emails for a while after canceling as teasers to re-subscribe. And I did click on some out if curiosity but never did I consider striking up a conversation with anyone as I am very happy now. I asked him if he was still looking around and he said flat out no. He said why would he if he enjoys spending his free time with me and also he said he doesnt have time to be dating multiple people anyway since he spends all his free time with me. I just feel insecure about this whole match thing. Link to post Share on other sites
ChessPieceFace Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 No we have not yet had a discussion about being exclusive. Then you sort of don't have a basis to complain about him simply being on the site ... I asked him if he was still looking around and he said flat out no. Then my advice still works. Message him with a fake profile and see the truth one way or the other. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MoonSiren Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 yeah this doesn't sound good. Just ask him about it and see if he wants to be exclusive. I wouldn't spend any more time with him after seeing such a thing. Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 Here are my thoughts: 1. No exclusivity talk, but he has introduced you to his kids and family/friends. For any "responsible" parent, that is a big move to make and not to be taken likely. Introducing your kids to someone should mean that he has considerable feelings regarding where the relationship is going and comfortable enough to introduce you to his family. But still checking out the OLD site? 2. He may be curious too. Like you. You didn't contact the potential matches b/c you had cancelled, but if it weren't cancelled, would you have delved a little deeper? No? Well, maybe that's the case for him. He's looking, but not taking it any further. Possible. 3. Another possibility is that he has the OLD app on his phone. Unless you make a concerted effort, it is logged on continuously. It doesn't mean that he is checking it though. Possible. 4. For now, actions speak louder than words, though you do need to have the exclusivity talk. Is it true that he is with you during all his free time? Well, then, at least he is not actively/physically seeing others. I would start worrying if his demeanor, contact time with you changes so as to possibly accommodate dating others. Just some thought. Have the talk. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom888 Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 Wow...there are a whole lot of similarities to my situation.... I have a 5 and 9 year old also. My woman and I have dated for 6 weeks, and are exclusive. We met on Match. After our 1st date, I decided on my own that I was done searching. She raised the bar so high that I honestly couldn't imagine being attracted to anyone else. So I cancelled my account, and told her. She was happy. After our 2nd date, it was clear that we wanted to be together and develop our relationship, so she cancelled her account the following morning, and she told me. I think the key is communicate what you expect. If you two have different expectations, you are not on the same page. If you assume exclusivity means not being active on Match, then you have to make sure he assumes the same. I too am still receiving daily matches via email for some reason, even though I cancelled my account. Here is something else to consider.... unless you know the photos are new, you really can't tell if he actually logged on recently. The smartphone app for Match basically keeps you online or refreshes daily, so it can appear that he's logged on within 24 hours even though he didn't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 I too am still receiving daily matches via email for some reason, even though I cancelled my account. I believe this is b/c Match.com cancels all communication, etc. AFTER your originally paid subscription time has expired. Link to post Share on other sites
forgetmenot75 Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 Mmm, it honestly doesn't sound good. He might be curious to see what's out there, but he should be focused on you right now! I've done the fake profile thing, and turned out he actually replied, but it was no surprise as I knew he was a player from the beginning. There is no reason for him to still go online if he wants something serious with you. Talk to him, and admit you saw him online. I don't know what excuse he can make, honestly. I'm really sorry 1 Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 I have to say for him to bring you around his kids and still be active on OLD, he's a scumbag. I think his play is this: he feels you're good enough to be around his family. You're long-term relationship material... but he still wants to sleep with other women and is playing the field. He will continue to play the field until he soils all of his oats or feels he might get caught and will lose you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 I have to say for him to bring you around his kids and still be active on OLD, he's a scumbag. I think his play is this: he feels you're good enough to be around his family. You're long-term relationship material... but he still wants to sleep with other women and is playing the field. He will continue to play the field until he soils all of his oats or feels he might get caught and will lose you. SIGH, I am afraid I may have to concede to this. His adding new photos is something I missed and that is a tell-tell sign that he is "improving" his profile to attract. Still, have the talk and tell him how you feel, what you noticed (he may think you are checking up on him and turn it on you). Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 SIGH, I am afraid I may have to concede to this. His adding new photos is something I missed and that is a tell-tell sign that he is "improving" his profile to attract. Still, have the talk and tell him how you feel, what you noticed (he may think you are checking up on him and turn it on you). They were photos of an outing she went on with him, taken before she got there. This detail is what burns me! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
shexy Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 Personally it would bother me.....this happened to me once - I with a guy I was head over heels with for 6 months. We had the talk that we were exclusively just dating each other, but then he acted REALLY weird one day when I was at his place and wanted to look at something on his laptop. So, since his reaction was so abrupt, I check on the OLD site we met on (I had taken down my profile like after 2 dates) and sure enough, he was still out there on the site, and had been online within 2 days. It really rreally sucked!!!! I would have a talk with him ASAP! Link to post Share on other sites
Author divtr1ps Posted July 14, 2013 Author Share Posted July 14, 2013 They were photos of an outing she went on with him, taken before she got there. This detail is what burns me! Yes, this is the detail that burns me, too. He introduced me to his family and closest friends about 2 weeks ago which is about a month after our first outing together when he took the pix. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and put myself in his shoes. Yes, at that point we hung out with his kids very casually and only as two individuals starting to get to know each other. In fact I have to admit I did tell him in the beginning that I wanted to take things slow and I may have come across as not being as interested as he was, now that i think about it, but only for a moment! My feelings quickly changed and I guess I assumed he would go with my flow...silly me! Thank you all for the advice. Much appreciated. He is camping with his kids this weekend and he's been texting and calling me to see how I'm doing so I really dont think he's trying to play me. I will have the "talk" with him and let you all know how it goes! Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 14, 2013 Share Posted July 14, 2013 Regardless of hard set rules or exclusivity talk, if this guy was smitten by the OP, he wouldn't feel the need to be on the dating site. It kind of tells you where his heart is at..i.e. playing the field. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
conzboneeus Posted July 14, 2013 Share Posted July 14, 2013 This is standard "grass is greener" online mentality. Sorry to say he is not into like you are into him. When I meet someone and I feel they are for me, and they feel the same, then we discuss being exclusive. If they agree you know your on the right track. If they don't it means they don't feel the same about you as you do about them. Either except that he doesn't feel as strongly and deal, or let it go. Forget the I am just on here for friends or I forgot BS. I love it when I see people come up with that. Puhleeze don't insult me. If he comes clean, admits he was still looking and agrees to take it off because he wants you to stay and he cares, then I would give it a shot. Anything less and I would cut my losses now and find a honest, trustworthy guy. There are plenty out there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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