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Trust: How can I get it back!


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Posted

Hi, i'm new to the forum. I have been married for almost three years and my husband has always had a porn addiction, the funny thing is I knew nothing about it before we got married. When i first found out i flipped out because i grew up with a religion that told me this was wrong and i truly believed that, and also i thought i wasn't good enough for him (good looking, etc.)

 

Well things have been up and down, i've told him i don't like him looking but he still does it. He doesn't seem to do it as often as he used to, but it still hurts me. We have sex at least twice a week or more! Recently we had a fight and I got suspicious of him and the net. Well i got into his email and found he had placed an ad on this adult looking for someone to meet website. Well i confronted him and he admitted he had did it, but would not do anything like that again. I don't feel like i can trust him anymore though, i'm always looking to make sure he's not talking to someone, checking computer all the time, i feel bad doing this but i can't get rid of this feeling.

 

Recently, like a few days ago he went to a seminar for work and gets back tonight and all i'm thinking right now, when he gets home I'm going to check the bag, smell his clothes, everything. Am I crazy, I really don't know what i should do and how to get my trust back to where it was before in the marriage, can someone please help me! Thanks

Posted

well, it is not something that will just come back as easy as it was lost.

 

Trust has to be earned, and he has to be willing to prove to you that he is trust worthy. so You can do all you want to try and trust him again, but it will not happen unless he is telling the truth and is open about what is going on.

 

i am just now starting to trust my bf again after an incident in july. and i had to move out of our house for most of this forgiveness and rebuilding of trust to occurr.

 

have you forgiven him? i mean really down in your heart forgiven him....cause that may also shade your trust in him.

 

it is not an easy thing to Get back, and it has to work two ways....he needs to prove to you that he can be trustred, and it doesn't really sound as if he cares too much right now..... i mean Porn is not Cheating, right? maybe that is how he sees it.

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Posted

Thanks

 

I don't like the porn, but i know he's probably going to look at it anyway. I have been open to him that i would watch it with him and stuff like that but he doesn't want me too for some reason.

 

There are just little things that happen that make me wonder if he's cheating on me. One example, after we make love (for about 2 hours) he goes and looks at porn and its like did you not get enough and when ask if he wants some more he's like nope.

 

To me looking at porn is not cheating, but putting an ad in an adult personals site to meet someone is well on his way.

 

I love him so much and your right about forgiving him. I just wish i could, not worry about this all the time with him. I am a personal with low self esteem and i worry too much it just seems to make me worse. I've tried talking to him but he just doesn't seem to want too. I don't know if we need to go to marriage counseling or i'm just need some time away.

 

Any more advice would help!!!

Posted

First, you need to come to the realization that he's going to look at porn no matter what you say. Second, there is always going to be reasons to suspect that he's cheating. Whether he's out of town for business, on the phone or computer for a lengthy time, even if you find a wrapper in the car. Reasons to doubt will be everywhere. So you might as well buck up and realize it's going to be something you have to live and deal with.

 

Second,

 

Trust has to be earned, and he has to be willing to prove to you that he is trust worthy. so You can do all you want to try and trust him again, but it will not happen unless he is telling the truth and is open about what is going on.

 

Yes, trust has to be earned. But I don't think he has to go out of his way to prove it. Being honest and open about everything should be a no brainer. And if he's innocent, this take little or no effort. If he's lying or hiding something, you can bet that he'll slip up and get caught. It takes a lot of energy remembering every little lie you tell to keep your stories believable.

 

Third,

 

Communicate with him. Don't accuse him, don't go snooping through his stuff, leave his computer alone. If you two sit down every now and then and communicate your feelings one to another, you'll know more about what's going on. Doing all of this detective work will just run him off. Ask him why he masterbates to porn right after sex, make sure the questions you ask about it are open-ended questions. Don't ask closed questions, he'll just shut you off.

 

Good luck, I hope things turn out good for you.

 

Moose

Posted
Originally posted by Christy25

Well i got into his email and found he had placed an ad on this adult looking for someone to meet website. Well i confronted him and he admitted he had did it, but would not do anything like that again. I don't feel like i can trust him anymore though, i'm always looking to make sure he's not talking to someone, checking computer all the time, i feel bad doing this but i can't get rid of this feeling.

 

I went through this recently in my relationship. My husband and I have been married over 20 years and we have two children together. We've managed to repair our relationship and are closer than ever.

 

Honestly though, I'd never criticize any woman who chose to run like the hounds of hell were nipping at her heels! :D It's alot more painful than most people would imagine. It's an unseen enemy, like having invisible people in the room and in the relationship.

 

It's not at all harmful when you're spouse is INTERACTING with people who frequent porn sites. These people have an AGENDA, and so does your spouse. And so did mine.

 

I did quite a study on all this when I finally found out about it. I've spent many hours sitting right alongside my husband and learning all there was to know about the sites that he was visiting.

 

What I learned is that just like any other group of people, they are neither all good or all bad. They all DO have a reason for being there though.

 

I noticed that there are basically three types of women:

 

One type is the women who are being paid. This is just a job to them.

 

The second type is Waiting-For-Prince-Charming. These are women who actually believe that they are going to meet someone wonderful. They are unconcerned about if Prince Charming already has a family. They are able to rationalize it all in their minds and justify it. They are desperate and often sex-starved in their current relationship or without a relationship at all.

 

The third type are the Divas. There are actually two sub-classes of them. However the both are women who want the attention of a man's pursuit. They are greedy to be in the spotlight, but lack the real-life assets that would put them there.

 

The difference between the two classes is that the first group WANT the attention. A woman in this group recognises it for what it is and just enjoys it. The second group NEEDS it. They no longer have the ability to lift up their own self-esteem, and become quite addicted to the sites that they visit. They are territorial over the men (and women) who they string along, and they will display sexual promiscuity as needed to keep that attention coming.

 

The men have their agendas too. They are easier to spot. Some are just look there for titillation. Some are looking to cheat, usually looking for casual sex. There ARE a few pitiful specimens that really don't have alot to offer women in the real world. I've seen a few who were mentally handicapped. Alot of the men are just curious. Men seem to be endlessly curious about sex! :D I think this has to do with how fundemental their sexual prowess is to their internal view. They're taking the temperature of the sexual climate. Making sure that they are normal. :p But don't we all do that, at least on some level? :D

 

Anyway, don't feel guilty if you have to snoop. My sweet man looked right into my eyes and LIED HIS A$$ OFF! You can't fix a problem that you can't identify, so if you don't believe you have all the facts either go and get them, or kick him to the curb if you're done with him.

 

You know, I don't condone trying to control somebody else's life or make decisions for them, but you really do have to take responsibility for what it is that YOU can live with. If you can't tolerate it then sit him down and let him know what you CAN tolerate. There's room for compromise, but both of your truest needs must be met. Otherwise, you're just building resentment.

Posted
It's not at all harmful when you're spouse is INTERACTING with people who frequent porn sites

 

Oooops!!! I meant "not at all HARMLESS". As in VERY harmful! Sorry for the typo. :o

Posted

While I don't like dh looking at porn it is something I don't let bother me. However, I did through away his Playgirl magazines. To my suprise he wasn't mad, and I thought for sure would be. I told him he is not alllowed to have that trash in our home w/ our children. I think he understood. He use to be really bad about looking at porn on the net when we first go the net, but since his A he doesn't look as much. Once in awhile he will get an email from a friend that has a naked woman on it and he saves it and I don't like that, but as long as he's not sitting at the computer all hours looking then I don't care.

 

I agree that porn isn't good. I am from a Christian family too and have read many religion articles on porn and yes, it is wrong, in God's eyes.

 

I do not agree w/ him putting an ad on a site. That was VERY wrong for him!! THAT is the part I would be the most peeved about.

 

Trust needs to be earned and he needs to show you that he can be faithful and he needs to earn that trust back. It maybe awhile to get that trust back. I know that you are hurt but be thankful that he didn't have an actual affair. That is the worst pain anyone has to go through.

Posted

Ummm.....your husband had Playgirl mags???? No wonder you're upset.....sorry, I couldn't resist....I know you probably meant Playboy.....right?

Posted
Originally posted by Moose

Ummm.....your husband had Playgirl mags???? No wonder you're upset.....sorry, I couldn't resist....I know you probably meant Playboy.....right?

 

 

LMBO Moose! I didn't realize I put that. Wonder what was on my mind? LOL

 

Right, I meant Playboy!!

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