LinkWorshiper Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 I love my ex more than anything. Our breakup was a ridiculously hard thing to cope with to a point where I decided I was even happy just being his friend so that we could still have some sort of a relationship. But it was clear he was unsure what he wanted and his whirlwind of confusion was starting to affect me, especially when he would be unclear about whether or not he loved me. This went on for months, but after a particularly rough bout of push/pull, I told him that maybe it would be better if we didn't see each other for a bit until he could figure out what he even wanted to do. I promptly texted his roommate to ask when it would be okay to get the rest of my things. Today I had lunch with the roommate, who is actually also my friend. He tried to help me at least feel a little less anxious about the whole situation, as I was very upset about having to create the distance. I left with my things at least feeling a sense of understanding with what was going on. Or at least as much as I thought I was ever going to get. But when I got home and opened the bag of things, I found a letter from my ex inside. It was one of the most powerful things I've ever read, and I cried. It summarized his struggles with drugs and trying to block out the genuine person he was in an effort to fit in. How he threw himself into relationships and was a terrible partner because of it. He detailed that while he was with me, he spent so much time trying to avoid his own feelings and complicated thoughts that it made him unable to be empathetic to mine. He talks about how he spends a lot of his time alone now, trying hard to figure himself out, his changes in habits to be more healthy. He says he's never felt so emotionally awful in his life, that he hates people and suddenly understands why my pain of distance from everything, but he would make it through somehow and that hopefully in the future, we would be able to talk about it. He concludes the letter with talk of how he was not content just being a casual acquaintance of mine and that he thinks I'm genuine and a beautiful soul and that I should take the time to grow it and show it off while he takes time to become a person he admires. He hopes by then I will be able to forgive him (though I long since have) and that until then we should be the best we can be. I get this all here. I can tell he is in pain and that perhaps he still does love me, but knows he can't be with me the way he is right now. So many feelings were awakened within me in reading this letter, I'm not sure if I should break NC to tell him that I have forgiven him, or that I am so happy he is taking this time to grow into the person I can see inside. It's obvious he's in pain and I want to be there for him, but at the same time, it is clear that he wants to do this thing alone. I'm just not quite sure how to show him that I understood what he is asking but that I don't harbor any ill will towards him or any of that kind of thing, and that I'm always here when he's ready and that kind of thing. Any advice would be great.
AllTooWell Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 I went through a similar experience. I am so sorry, I know how hard and painful it can be. Especially knowing that they care so much about you, but cannot be with you. But that's the catch that you NEED to focus on: he is still telling you he does not want you! Even if he adds a "right now" or "maybe in the future" to the end, he does not want you. He is trying to relieve some of his own (apparently deserved) guilt about how he treated you. I do not think you should break NC. It WILL set you back, really really far, farther than this letter did, farther than you imagine it will. If this was an honest apology, he isn't expecting you to say you forgive him. Because an honest apology is made without him attempting to manipulate you into breaking NC, etc. The best way to show you forgive him is to (rip up that letter and burn it so you cannot read it a million times. Get rid of it seriously) continue on with NC. He is right, you both need to work on yourselves. So keep doing that. I know it is hard but I do not think you should break NC. If you feel really really bad about it, have the FRIEND tell him you forgive him. That's still (i guess technically) breaking NC, but talking to him yourself will lead to a conversation, which will lead to pain.
Author LinkWorshiper Posted July 12, 2013 Author Posted July 12, 2013 The thing is, in the original text of the letter, he phrases the part about not being happy with being simply my casual acquaintance in a way that sounded like he wished it was more but that he was unable to give that right now. Sadly, it's true.... he really isn't in a state to be a good partner, even though I love him and I want him to work through this to be a happier human regardless of what our relationship becomes. I guess I wanted to express that he's not alone even if he thinks he is. This might be my instinct and caring creeping up, as half the trouble I'm having with NC is that I have a need to be actually DOING something to fix a situation, and the idea that doing nothing is best is very hard for me. You have given me good pause to think about what I should do next though. I guess I will sleep on it.
AllTooWell Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 The thing is, in the original text of the letter, he phrases the part about not being happy with being simply my casual acquaintance in a way that sounded like he wished it was more but that he was unable to give that right now. Sadly, it's true.... he really isn't in a state to be a good partner, even though I love him and I want him to work through this to be a happier human regardless of what our relationship becomes. I guess I wanted to express that he's not alone even if he thinks he is. This might be my instinct and caring creeping up, as half the trouble I'm having with NC is that I have a need to be actually DOING something to fix a situation, and the idea that doing nothing is best is very hard for me. You have given me good pause to think about what I should do next though. I guess I will sleep on it. Doing nothing is best. He actually needs to work on himself. He doesn't need your approval. You guys are over. Sometimes you need to put yourself first. This isn't so much about you wanting him to be better, I can totally see why you want that, but the fact is that there is NO WAY for you to express that to him without creating something because of your past He may wish that it was more, but it's the way it is. I think that the letter ends your guys time together on a really, really positive note. He did something very nice. It would be a complete shame if your 'I forgive you' message turned things sour by a negative response for him, or having something happen, etc. I think the way he handled things leaves you guys open for reconciliation in the future (the distance, distant future.) NC isn't meant to be mean, especially not in situations like this. By all means, reply if you want, I just know that in my experience replying would definitely set me back. I would be expressing how much I care for my ex, we would exchange words, and I know that it would lead to me feeling poorly afterwards because even though I had tried to do the right thing, it can be hard dealing with people you have such a past with! NC is about you and your healing. So if you think that in this case, breaking NC would aide in your healing than break it, and tell him you forgive him. However, do it for yourself, not for him. You need to put yourself first
eleve82 Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 He said he wasn't happy about being a casual acquaintance - could it be that he himself wants to go NC? Frankly, being one of those also party to an ex who said he needed to "figure things out", I can tell you that you should abolish all hopes of him "coming round" and move on with your life. In my case, it was a 5 year relationship and after hanging around an extra 6 months to see if he would realise I was leaving, he still hadn't come to any sort of "epiphany" about us nor did he want to commit to anything. I moved countries and almost one year after breaking up with him, nothing has changed. At least I can say in my heart that I have let go (it took a lot though - physical and emotional detachment) and am now looking forward to meeting new guys. In my case, I did not go NC. I did not however initiate contact either and I made sure to start dating again. All I did was to respond to him reaching out. I cannot tell you if this is the right approach but if he himself does not feel like contacting you, you should leave it as is. There is often a lot of pride that goes into NC as advocates of this want to exact pain by thinking it would make the other party miss them and reach out to them, which is nothing but childish mind games at play. You should only go NC to move on with your life - and IF your ex reaches out to you, you can then decide what to do next. But don't bet on it because a confused person can and often reverts to being confused once he or she has you back in his or her life because NC creates an illusion that missing someone equates to wanting to be with them. My advice? Leave it as it is. Don't contact him. As someone who has been left strung along for so many years, I can tell you that people like your ex and mine will never make you happy. Until he grows up and "discovers"himself, which would require going through some life changing events, he will not change. But why leave your chance at happiness to someone else who doesn't even want to be with you? Go out there and find it for yourself.
Author LinkWorshiper Posted July 12, 2013 Author Posted July 12, 2013 Well, we have already been NC for almost four weeks at this point. We had been spending time together as friends for about three months before, but it was obvious that it was blurry exactly what that meant and what he wanted. I was the one to ask for space, and during that conversation, he agreed that space would be good for both of us. I honestly didn't expect this letter at all, especially since he also took the NC pretty seriously so far. I know that this is definitely his indication that he sees something in the future after he gets himself together, and I know that he's telling me not to hold myself back on his account (which I don't plan to do), but I guess I don't want him to feel like all of this means nothing to me because it definitely doesn't. You guys make really good points for me to think about, and I appreciate you not all being so whatever whatever about this. Thanks.
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