mbee Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 Okay so recently I've been going NC and proud of myself for finally doing it and having 0 temptation to reach out. It'll be 10 days tomorrow and we broke up 2 and a half months ago. However with all this "silence" I've been starting to wonder about things I did wrong in the relationship. Was I a bad girlfriend? How could he leave me like that? I read some of these posts and start to overthink everything. It's mind boggling and confusing! My ex cheated and left me for a married woman. Ever since he's left he's been acting kind of crazy, giving intense breadcrumbs, made it clear he was deeply depressed and unhappy, etc. He does not want me back. He'd say things like maybe in 4-5 years we'll be together or I can't believe our adventure is over, I don't believe it, know that I'll always love you. He's said over and over and over again about how amazing, wonderful and loving of a girlfriend I was to him and how he'll never have another 2 years like that. Yet, he still cheated on me and left. Now I know the cheating was his choice and had nothing to do with me. I just find myself questioning constantly what our relationship was like. We had issues but honestly, at least in my opinion, 90% of them stemmed from his problem with lying and not being able to express his feelings. For example, when we first met I had 0 problems with him hanging out with his exes and then I found out some crazy lies with his exes and felt uncomfortable when he hung out with those exes that were involved. Other issues were things I think are "normal." We are both social but he's into partying more than I am, we tend to take 15 minutes figuring out what to have for dinner, etc. The only times I remember having a big argument is when it was related to the lying or when he got angry cause I needed to go home early so I could work the next day. I have a normal 9-6pm job and he's a professor so have a very flexible schedule. I'm just starting to overanalyze everything. Maybe our relationship wasn't that great, maybe these problems were actual big problems? Egh it's craziness! I know the lying was a big problem but it's hard looking back. He tried to convince me we have all these issues but I don't see it. I'm not trying to get back with him or make the relationship out like it was amazing and problem-free. Clearly he has issues with lying, cheating and his own depression. It's just he made it out like we had all these issues, and it's starting to worry me, especially when I think about being in another relationship. Also he'd constantly say while we were together and after we broke up, that I did not create a space of trust for him. That it was hard for him to be honest with me because he did not feel safe with me. This deeply worries me. I'm an open book, am very open-minded, a decent listener and don't get angry or irritated when listening to people. This was never an issue with prior boyfriends to my knowledge. Basically he blamed me for the lies he told me and conveniently ignored the fact that he did this in his other relationships. I feel if I'm encouraging someone to be honest, making it clear that I'm not going to judge them and will love them regardless, and proving that on the times he was honest... then how is it my responsibility that he didn't feel safe with me, especially when it wasn't communicated to me? Instead it was communicated to that married woman, who he believes he can finally be trustworthy and honest with. It's like am I going crazy or are these issues I think as non-issues truly real issues? Or is this just him trying to convince himself we were a bad match? Sorry if this is all over the place, I just find myself wondering constantly about the type of girlfriend I really was and what the relationship was truly like.
drake13 Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 It's not your fault, he has problems. If your relationship wasn't a good one he wouldn't be reaching out in little ways, you didn't force his hand, he did it himself, your problem is that your focusing on what he did and trying to make sense of it, he's a liar and a cheat and that's the truth, at first it will piss you off but in time it will set you free, please don't be hard on yourself.
maturityassets Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 Believe me its fine and its completely normal to do so. Eventually you stop reflecting your behavior as the thing that drove him away or caused any type of strain in the relationship. Its good to be skeptical about yourself even if the majority of the problems have stemmed from the other person. Not because there is anything wrong with you but because you learn to internalize of what you reflected about yourself and help develop the person and lover you want to be. Post BU is the best and only time you should be over-analyzing yourself, because you are living for you again and you want to be the very person you think you should be. Just remember you might emphasize the negative times when thinking about your part but you know you made for a great partner regardless. Best of luck:)
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