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3 years and she doesn't love me anymore. I didn't treat her right.

sunshine5

By sunshine5
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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sunshine5 New Member

sunshine5

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Hi Guys,

 

Sorry, I'm not the best writer but anyone out there who cares to listen, I could really use some help and advice right now.

 

This was my very first love. Her and I had been together for almost 3 years (Anniversary early this september), from late highschool through to our second year of University.

 

Looking back over my high school days, I had a lot of self confidence, independence and self esteem at the time. I was once an ugly mutt, but after facing rejection I had vowed to clean up my act. I don't think I had my sights on a girlfriend when I started putting my life together, but my appearance and enthusiastic personality attracted this beautiful girl into my life. It was INSANELY cute sappy high school love. She had the biggest crush on me and I'm sure all her friends had plotted around pushing us closer together. We were each other's first kiss. As the story goes, we had some of the happiest days of our life together and I will never forget them.

 

As time passed, I believe my health slowly started to cave in (I would focus more on my school study, before eating. I was determined to get high grades, but I let that get ahead of my own well being). My girlfriend was always concerned, and we would always blame my father (He has never set the best example when it comes to cooking and eating. I have always had to prepare my own meals from an early age).Today, I'm severely underweight as a consequence and still have the eating disorder. I don't want to label this as the root cause, but I know my self confidence now is at an all time low.

 

Over the past year, I also believe I developed a horrible superiority complex, perhaps due to my own waning confidence and health. I would constantly argue and nit pick at my girlfriend (Why are you always so busy? How can you not like the beach? Why is your room always messy? I could go on). I would neglect her interests and even put her down for liking them. To put things in perspective for how bad things were, I made her cry on her 18th birthday last year (I know, I'm the worst person and I feel like I will be regretting this forever). I know now that this criticism and condemnation is clearly not the correct way to treat someone, let alone a person you love dearly. I feel like a monster and don't understand why I acted that way. Despite everything, we always made up but looking back she must have suffered so much pain. This is a girl I promised that I would never bring to cry.

 

Things slowly got worse. I grew a mild dependence on marijuana up until late April this year. Everything began falling apart around me, but inside I felt like I was completely in control of my life. I became obsessed with Nietzsche, and well, you can work out the rest from there. I became INSANELY DELUSIONAL, to the point where I terrified my girlfriend one night she slept over. She confronted me the next day with a facebook message, "It's very possible that the weed has brought about a psychosis, causing you to believe in this grandeur." Of course, my immediate reaction was incredibly hostile.

 

It's horrible guys, I read back my responses and don't understand what the heck brought me to respond in such a way. I was completely out of my mind. She was reaching her hand out - she was scared, and in my cognitive instability I continued to frighten, confuse and even demean her. It got so heated that at one point she said "I mean honestly, after that, I'm more than happy to never talk to you ever again. You heartless mother****er." I'm looking over the conversations now, and it's clear she wanted to fix the relationship back in February - I'm afraid those feelings are gone now. As I read on through the history of text, things just kept tumbling downwards. I was so insincere and still completely deluded.

 

Skip to holidays, June 13, she came to my place and we spent the day together. I was still an *******. When she came to the door I greeted her with sarcasm "Well, you sure do a good job of telling me when you're coming around" (WHAT THE **** WAS WRONG WITH ME). We watched anime all day and went to grab kebabs for lunch. We came back to mine, had sex (hands only, we're still virgins because it's always hurt her. Suddenly realizing only last weeks that this was most certainly due to the horrible emotional stress I have put on her and my inability to maintain healthy foreplay). At one point, after or during she says "_____, I just want you to know that I really like girls". She has expressed her bi-curiosity before but...

 

I walk her home and we talk about what she meant along the way. At one point I ask her "Do you love me?" and she says, with tears in her eyes "I don't know. I care about you". I was so selfish all this time. We talked for a little while longer till I said the worst thing possible. "What's the point of falling in love when you just have your heartbroken in the end". We cried hard together. I know. I can hear you all slapping your hands to your heads right now. We get to her door and she says "Look, let's not worry about this stuff. We'll just go easy on each other and take things slow okay?" I agreed, but that night I bombarded her with text saying that I wanted to change for her and only just realizing how horrible I had been.

 

I deserve this pain. Not only was I abusive, I had made the love become stressful, painful and a burdening chore for her. I have only suddenly snapped out and come to the realization of my disgusting nature - how I manipulated her, abused her. This sweet innocent girl who had an undying love for me. I feel a bottomless pit of regret, because I keep fantasizing of how strong we would be together if I hadn't done all of this. We thought we would marry but now it doesn't even look like we would come close to living together.

 

From that day I have been going out of my way to catch up on the wrong I have committed.

She's been so busy, but I've been catching up on her favorite interests, cuddling her, making sure I only visit her place (she always hated my house) and we haven't had a single argument since. We've only sat in front of the couch watching star trek together most of the days she has free time though. The romance just feels like it's died. My own confidence has hit rock bottom and I feel like she might be resenting me and just preparing to bail at any moment. I'm constantly nervous around her and I bomb out of my sentences often.

 

What I want to do is apologize and talk to her. Let her know in person that I am deeply sorry for how I've treated her and want to understand her. I feel we've locked up on one another. When we're together we act like nothing's happened, but I know I certainly feel uncomfortable around her. I wonder how she feels... I want to know whether she wants to continue or would it be best we go our separate ways? I love her so much. But I don't want to force the love on her. The last time we talked about the relationship it was about her "experiencing the world" and "taking things slow". I feel like anything I say could worsen my chances though, so that's why I've just shut up for the last couple weeks. I wouldn't even know. I'm so confused.

 

To make matters more confusing, she leaves for an exchange program next month for four months, so if I approached her and said that the relationship is bringing me anxiety and we should go seperate ways, that would just traumatize her more while she's on her own. Either that or it could be the most incredible freedom I could give her. But I know she would be expecting to skype me back here.

 

I don't know guys. I just want her to be happy. I wasn't prepared to let her go before, but now I'll do anything just so that she isn't miserable. I don't want to make her cry again. She was full of so much love before she met me...

 

I feel the best thing to do is talk? I almost don't know how to approach it though. Someone help me please.

Inviv_girl Established Member

Inviv_girl

Posted
Posted

Young love, won't last.. people says :) You are still very young, I know its hurt but it will get better! I didn't read your whole post but the point is the same. Learned your lesson for better relationship in the future. Get your head together and do better for yourself before you can start relationship again. Weather with her or someone else. You will eventually meet that one, the one who you love and love you. Don't chase over someone who doesn;t want you! save your pride and move on. If she is meant to be she will be back, and if not please look after yourself and look forward for the future!

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sunshine5 New Member

sunshine5

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Thank you for your kind words. You're right, and I've been constantly trying to remind myself that. I'm so full of anxiety though - 3 years is a long time for a first relationship so it is going to be so painful if we end up separated. I agree, I have already learned so much and even that makes it so painful. It makes me want to put it to practice on her, but I feel it's far too late. I'm clearly not mentally and physically grounded at the moment.

 

I'm seriously stressed about how to bring all of it up with her - how to approach the situation. When we're together, or when we talk over IM, it's like everything's fine on the outside, but I'm dying deep down. I don't want to take it all away from her though.

 

I'm prepared to be selfless. How can I let her know I want her to be happy, whether that's with me or someone else? She is free this Sunday it seems. How do I approach this?

liril Member

liril

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Hi..my advice would be that first u RELAX....u have realise your mistakes which is a very good thing. Tell her that u are sorry ,that you treated her wrong and you will try to improve and keep her happy.The fact that she is still around ....it means she loved u a lot, dont let it go. Dont panic,,,try to open up yourself.Express yourself,it will take away half the guilt plus she will know that u care for her. also this way u wont have any regret in future. And no one knows if any relationship will last or not. Enjoy the present ,improve it ..good luck :)

liril Member

liril

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And also stay away from drugs.....not good for relations nor for health .

AllTooWell Established Member

AllTooWell

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One thing that jumped out to me here was that she came out to you?

 

Is she a lesbian or just bi? Have you really considered this as a factor in your breakup? Maybe she wants to explore that part of herself.

 

 

 

I think you really realize your mistakes and you know that she is hurting a lot. I would sit her down, and have a sincere talk with her. Tell her you are NOT going to say anything until she is finished. Let her say whatever she needs to say to you. Let her get it all out.

 

I would suggest that you guys do not speak during the time she is away. I do not think, from what you've posted, that you have a healthy relationship at all. I think you need serious (serious) help and I think this girl needs to get away from you and will also need help from the trauma and abuse this has caused her. I think that time apart will help you both realize what needs to be done to repair your relationship and will allow you to start fresh, otherwise I doubt that the resentment/regret in your relationship will ever diminish.

 

If you realize how horrible you've been, I think you should start going to counseling. Even the most healthy and confident of us really could use it. There is no harm in it. You need to start doing things to show her you are making a sincere effort. For both drug issues, eating disorder, everything. I think you should make a sincere effort to change, in as many ways as you can, and the fact that you will be away from each other for 4 months is the PERFECT opportunity to do this and to save your relationship.

 

Just my 2 cents :o

 

 

Edit: I am sure you are probably aware of this, but an abusive relationship takes a huge toll on ones self-esteem. From experience (everyone is different) I thought if I was better, I would stop being abused. What was I doing wrong? What was so wrong with me that made me deserve this? Am I as bad as he says I am? etc. This is why I think she also should see a counselor.

Edited by AllTooWell
forget something
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sunshine5 New Member

sunshine5

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One thing that jumped out to me here was that she came out to you?

 

Is she a lesbian or just bi? Have you really considered this as a factor in your breakup? Maybe she wants to explore that part of herself.

 

She's bi. I think she does want to experience a bit of the other side, she just hasn't wanted to hurt me out of fear of guilt I believe. She is such a sweet and caring girl. If she mentioned it during our talk, I would completely understand now and let her go.

 

I think you really realize your mistakes and you know that she is hurting a lot. I would sit her down, and have a sincere talk with her. Tell her you are NOT going to say anything until she is finished. Let her say whatever she needs to say to you. Let her get it all out.

 

That's exactly what I want. She must have so many suppressed emotions that she's been wanting to express, but unable due to the fear of my reaction. It might not be the case, but how can I open her up and let her overcome that if she's scared of opening up to me? And when is the best time to talk about something like this? Sorry for all the questions, I just feel very naive and really don't want to frighten her with a text like "Hey, could we talk this Sunday outside your place?". That sounds so intimidating when I read it back. What do you think I should do?

 

She might invite me over this Sunday to watch some more of her favorite show, but if that were the case it would be hard to fit this in unexpectedly. How do I do it?

 

I would suggest that you guys do not speak during the time she is away. I do not think, from what you've posted, that you have a healthy relationship at all. I think you need serious (serious) help and I think this girl needs to get away from you and will also need help from the trauma and abuse this has caused her. I think that time apart will help you both realize what needs to be done to repair your relationship and will allow you to start fresh, otherwise I doubt that the resentment/regret in your relationship will ever diminish.

 

This is sounding like a wise decision now with the help of your insight. Do you think we should discuss this when we have our talk? Maybe she won't be okay with it though... what would be the positives for her so that I can give her a bit of encouragement if she needs it? And is it okay if we keep seeing each other while she's still here?

 

If you realize how horrible you've been, I think you should start going to counseling. Even the most healthy and confident of us really could use it. There is no harm in it. You need to start doing things to show her you are making a sincere effort. For both drug issues, eating disorder, everything. I think you should make a sincere effort to change, in as many ways as you can, and the fact that you will be away from each other for 4 months is the PERFECT opportunity to do this and to save your relationship.

 

That is incredible advice. I'll admit I wasn't so open to the idea of counselling before, but I really could use someone to talk to.

 

I threw all my drug related gear away the night she said she cared for me, so I'm proud I'm moving on from that. Never EVER again. I still have a lot of repairing to do though and a counselor would be a great step.

AllTooWell Established Member

AllTooWell

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hat's exactly what I want. She must have so many suppressed emotions that she's been wanting to express, but unable due to the fear of my reaction. It might not be the case, but how can I open her up and let her overcome that if she's scared of opening up to me? And when is the best time to talk about something like this? Sorry for all the questions, I just feel very naive and really don't want to frighten her with a text like "Hey, could we talk this Sunday outside your place?". That sounds so intimidating when I read it back. What do you think I should do?

 

I think this is a HUGE problem. If she is afraid to talk to you, your relationship is going to get steadily worst and very quickly. Communication is key, as cliche as it sounds, and right now she is understandably terrified to open up to you. This sounds like such an awful situation for both of you (I genuinely want to cry for you, because it is obvious you realize how much you have hurt her).

 

I see two ways to go about approaching her to talk, and you know her best so it is ultimately your decision. I think you should write her a letter, hand deliver it to her. In this letter you need to pour your heart out about what you have done wrong, HOWEVER DO NOT SELF PITY. She is very damaged and will be afraid to speak her mind if she is worried about your reaction. You need to keep it short and concise. "I have treated you completely unfairly". Do not say things like "I understand if you want to leave me." because sentences like that isolate her. Instead "I want to do what is best for our relationship and for you, and want to know your ideas on this."

 

The goal of this letter is that you deliver it to her, she reads it and writes her own in response, which you then read (either with her present or alone). Writing it down may allow her to let go of some of the fear she has of your reaction, it may allow her to fully express herself, and help both of you to reflect on how you are both feeling. This could happen on Sunday, call in advance and tell her you wish to come over a bit earlier (an hour or two), give her the letter, explain what you are doing and ask for her opinion (will you write me back, do you want to just tell me face to face, etc)

 

If you do not think that sounds like a good idea, you can try to approach her (I do not think you should have this happen on Sunday. I think you need to call her and have a specific time if you are going to talk, either make time before you were originally supposed to meet.) You need to sit her down and once again, tell her you have made some horrible mistakes and really damaged her, yourself, and your relationship. You want to fix things. Tell her you want to go into counseling. You can suggest (I don't know how open either of you would be to it) to do some sessions together. It can be really hard for someone in her position, and someone in yours, to actually seek help. But it will be really crucial for you guys to get over this (and in general, even if you don't work out, I think you both need help.)

 

 

This is sounding like a wise decision now with the help of your insight. Do you think we should discuss this when we have our talk? Maybe she won't be okay with it though... what would be the positives for her so that I can give her a bit of encouragement if she needs it? And is it okay if we keep seeing each other while she's still here?

You want to make sure she understands you are here to do what is best for her, what will make her the most comfortable. I think the positives would be that this is time for both of you to grow, separately, so that you can make your relationship work. I am not suggesting you go on a 'break' it is just that your relationship has very toxic elements and space can allow her to see more clearly (and decide if she wants to stay with you and fix things) and allow you to do the same. It is a huge commitment.

 

At the same time it sounds as if there is some codependency going on here and that the time apart would ALSO help in that aspect. You could put the ball completely in her court. Suggest no contact while she is away to her, or minimal contact INITIATED BY HER. I think you should really leave her alone and NOT be hurt if you do not hear from her, and you need to tell her this. There needs to be no judgement and you really just need to take what she has to say. If she wants to skype you or call you, let her, and sit and be supportive, caring, all the things you can be to show her that you love her. But you also don't want to interrupt her trip, control her, etc. So I would try to limit the contact (don't sit on skype with eachother all day. Maybe send an email back and forth every few days. That kind of thing.)

 

You guys have been together a long time. it sounds like 4 months, even a week is probably a long time to go without talking 24/7 but the fact is that 4 months is NOT a great amount of time to make a lifestyle change which is what needs to happen.

 

I'm glad that you are becoming more open to counseling, and that's good to hear about the drugs and stuff. If you are honest about changing, you need to put in the sincere effort (which it appears you're doing so far). Going to a counselor and following their advice would really show her and help you.

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sunshine5 New Member

sunshine5

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I think this is a HUGE problem. If she is afraid to talk to you, your relationship is going to get steadily worst and very quickly. Communication is key, as cliche as it sounds, and right now she is understandably terrified to open up to you. This sounds like such an awful situation for both of you (I genuinely want to cry for you, because it is obvious you realize how much you have hurt her).

 

Yeah.. she might not be afraid to talk to me though... it's just that we've been acting like everything's okay. But it's not exactly romantic, more friendly. Since the night she last expressed herself, we've been spending the days she's off work cuddling on the couch at her house watching Star Trek and getting lunch together afterwards (she's a huge nerd, and I never really acknowledged that side of her so I'm trying to make up for it. I enjoy it, but the anxiety of being unable to properly acknowledge my mistake to her, to apologize and know how she feels is not allowing me to enjoy myself completely. I have felt depressed and miserable since the day I realized my errors. I keep ruminating and I'm not taking any action).

 

I feel there is an immediacy to talk to her, and yet she's been so busy with work that I don't want to spoil her days off. Can you help me make sense of that? I don't understand. It's like I want to communicate about this, but when it comes to meeting up, I brush it behind and act like nothing's wrong. I think I've only been seeing her once or twice a week.

 

I loved both of your ideas, but I still have NO idea how I could arrange a meeting for a talk. I have no idea when she is off work till she tells me, and that's when we arrange to see each other. I feel like I'm not allowed to message her and say "Hey, is it okay if we have a sincere talk before we meet up on Tuesday?" or "Hey, I want to have a sincere talk with you, when are you free next?". Do either of those sound okay?

 

The letter would probably be best, as it gives me a chance to write EVERYTHING out without making some error in person. As you said, it would also give her the chance to pour her heart out without being fearful of saying the wrong thing or keeping something back.

 

I'm sorry if this is really messy for you AllTooWell. I really appreciate your help.

 

I see her tomorrow (Sunday). We will be watching more of the series and getting lunch at a Thai restaurant. I will be acting as happy around her as I have been for the last couple weeks. Ignoring the issues yet again.. it's so painful, I don't know why I keep seeing her without getting this fixed. Do you think that's a mistake? After tomorrow, should I GUARANTEE myself that I will deliver that letter by the next time I'm with her?

 

I don't have time to write the letter in a rush before then (EDIT: TOMORROW), but I will have it prepared for the next time we meet.

 

I hope I can express myself to her ASAP. I feel like my mind is drained and exhausted. How can I keep waiting and waiting... I need to take action... Tomorrow will hurt and I'm afraid I'll be tempted to talk to her, which could potentially ruin the day. That's probably why I've been delaying.

Edited by sunshine5
lessica Established Member

lessica

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Posted (edited)

You are not a terrible person. Unfortunately it is very easy to fall into habits of treating others around us with out very little thought.

 

I can't begin to describe how much I changed during university, and not until grad school did I balance out. I was a sociology and law major so you can imagine the impact that had on my day to day interactions with the people close to me. It is quite isolating in a way, living through the theory of philosophers like nietzsche is at least going to make you partially detached from reality!

 

Smoking weed...don't do it. Sure it is a bit of fun at first. But there is a difference between people that smoke on occasion, and people that totally indulge. It is not as harmless as some think. And it will cause problems, you may not even notice them happening, but trust me other people around you do.

 

I commend to for your ability to be retrospective right now, and to at least acknowledge your actions. That alone is a major part of self growth, so whatever comes of this, be thankful for that. And the things you feel bad about, well make sure you change them in future!

 

She is at least 90% responsible for how she feels. It is not your responsibility to make decisions to make her happy. All you can do is what makes you happy, but in doing that be as considerate/compassionate/empathetic as possible.

Edited by lessica
darkmoon Established Member

darkmoon

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Posted (edited)

I think you're asking a leading question, asking for trouble, some people, maybe her, would see a hint to end things

 

I mean "do you want to split up or not?" is hardly the best line in a love story

 

if you do not want to lose her, just be sweet to her I think you're in a new headspace, maybe that's why you're in this state, things are still settling, I would just be there for her, she has not told you to go which she could have,

 

I do not think she is being like this on purpose, she seems to have slightly shut down, she's just a gentle young girl, from what you have said

Edited by darkmoon
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sunshine5 New Member

sunshine5

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You are not a terrible person. Unfortunately it is very easy to fall into habits of treating others around us with out very little thought.

 

This was me. I got unbelievably lazy with my life and the way I respected others till it had just become ME. I can even remember some nights I would think to myself "What are you doing? This isn't you! Tomorrow you'll act your real self." It was like an addiction though. I could never break the cycle.

 

I can't begin to describe how much I changed during university, and not until grad school did I balance out. I was a sociology and law major so you can imagine the impact that had on my day to day interactions with the people close to me. It is quite isolating in a way, living through the theory of philosophers like nietzsche is at least going to make you partially detached from reality!

 

That's the experience isn't it? I'm glad you grew though. I feel like I've taken steps back in my life. I was so much more mature while in High School.

 

She is at least 90% responsible for how she feels. It is not your responsibility to make decisions to make her happy. All you can do is what makes you happy, but in doing that be as considerate/compassionate/empathetic as possible.

 

That's good advice. Thank you.

 

I think you're asking a leading question, asking for trouble, some people, maybe her, would see a hint to end things

 

What do you mean? By writing the letter to ask how she is feeling?

 

I mean "do you want to split up or not?" is hardly the best line in a love story

 

When you put it that way, yes. What do you think I could do though? Suppressing these feelings doesn't feel healthy - I am depressed and I feel that prolonging a chat will hurt us both in the long run. What if it builds up and turns into resentment? I don't want that. I know I don't want to lose her, but she needs to be happy.

 

if you do not want to lose her, just be sweet to her I think you're in a new headspace, maybe that's why you're in this state, things are still settling, I would just be there for her, she has not told you to go which she could have,

 

That's a positive way of looking at it. Thank you.

 

I was thinking of buying her some flowers today and surprising her. I wanted to turn it into a bit of a late Valentine's gift, since I never really got the chance to spoil her then. But maybe it's a bad idea to mention that? Maybe I should just do it and tell her it's because I love her?

 

Then I get worried whether it's a bad idea to do things like this without working out where we're at... DAMMIT I WANT TO BE SWEET THOUGH

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