macswifeIthink Posted October 22, 2004 Posted October 22, 2004 I am new to the loveshack but I was in need of talking with someone. My husband of 7 years cheated on me with a hotel clerk on one of his business trips. He is in the military and sometimes has to travel for classes and training. It has only been a month since I found out. although he didn't have the guts to tell me himself, I found out one day when I was going to the store and his cell phone was in my truck. It rang, I answered. before I had a chance to say anything this hotel clerk rambled on "I miss you and can't wait for you to come back, I hate sleeping alone", and so on and so forth. After she was done rambling I said so "you know my husband", she hung up on me. I called her back and she hung up again. So I went home and asked my husband. Of course he lied at first but after a few statements he admitted sleeping with this girl- he is 30 she is 21 (ego boost I think), I am 33 (not one for me). Well, I was upset so I left and went to my friends house. The next night I came home (we have 2 kids 6 & 8) I didn't want to make them upset because there father messed up. So I go home and we talk- everything out of this mans mouth was a lie- (at work that day I called the girl (Melanie) that he slept with and got the facts), she was upset, she didn't know he was married, can't blame her right?. Anyway- The whole thing was a mess- We just got orders to move to another base and had 2 weeks left before the truck was coming to get our things. I decided to keep my job which is a 5 hour drive each way from our new house. I work 3 days a week and live here and then I go home for the other 4 days. I am still upset and don't look at my husband the same way, I just can't I want to. It is like he took a piece of me and I can't get it back. He says "it was just sex, I made a mistake", He says "my love for you was never in question", He says he is sorry and it will never happen again. But I have to be honest it is not the sexual act that bothers me as much as the lies and the lack of respect for me. Coming home and making love to me like nothing happened- Hell people there are alot of things out there that can kill you "STD'd, Aids," you name it and he took no thought in that- I guess because he said they used a "Condom", I am just so confused, I love him but I don't need him- I make Great money- I am independent, and you can ask anyone my friends his friends they all say the same thing "your husband is so lucky to have someone like you", I treat him great we were known as the perfect couple- funny and a joy to be around- Now when I am with him I have this look and/or feel about me that say's "you sure are miserable" he leaves me alone- afraid I may snap- I am not an angry person- What I really want is for him to be as sad and hurt as me. He says he is but I don't see it or feel it. What should I do? Confused in California-
utwonderwoman Posted October 22, 2004 Posted October 22, 2004 I can't answer what you should do. But I want you to know that my heart goes out to you. NO one should ever have to endure this. I wish you all the luck in the world and you are not in this alone. Trust is difficult to build, but can be destroyed so quickly by the most foolish of acts. Good luck to you and your children.
Author macswifeIthink Posted October 22, 2004 Author Posted October 22, 2004 Thank you, I just don't understand really. I know things happen and I know you start to feel old, and not attractive and the attention from a young woman was probably overwhelming and welcoming. But I could never do that- I would be to scared to lose everything I worked so hard for, for something that really meant nothing. But the questions in my mind are "why would she call him if it was a one night stand", why would he have talked to her (cell bill) for 3 hours after he returned home if he was so upset for what he had done and just wanted to forget about it? (what he said he wanted to do, just forget about it), If that makes any sense. He said he was sorry- should that me good enough? I keep asking myself is one act of indiscretion worth ruining a life time with my husband?
utwonderwoman Posted October 22, 2004 Posted October 22, 2004 I cannot even tell you how my heart goes out to you. This happened to me in year six of an eight year relationship. It is sickening. Yes, he should have been flattered. And he should have whistled a happy little tune all the way upstairs by himself and by all means throughout his evening shower. Flattered yes, stupid and disrespectful, no. Her behavior, somewhat obvious. Maybe she just needed the attention as well. Women are stupid and equate sex with love. Young, immature, and stupid can explain her actions. Unless she knew he was married.... then there is no excuse for the trampy little homewrecker. Why he called her and spoke to her for THREE HOURS???? That is a whole heck of a lot more than an ego boost? And I am sure he would just like to forget about it. Why be held accountable in a very uncomfortable conversation, when he can just forget about it. His love for you while he was f&^%$ing this woman was never in question? I cannot even dignify that with a repsonse, but I will try ;-) If that is the case, that means he thought about how much he loved you as he was getting naked with her, touching her body, inserting his penis, all this and his love was never in question. Than I question his love. I don't know what to tell you to do. I always felt that I never got a straight answer from my situation and the trust just failed to materialize after an extra two years of trying. Although, we did not try counseling or anything else. The best I guess you can hope for is to understand that you deserve better. That you don't have to put up with this. And if he thinks you can just forget about it, he is a bigger dumb ass than his love is week. You ever heard of Dr Phil? A little trite I know, but he shoots straight from the hip. Good luck to you and my heart goes out to you.
DazednConfused Posted October 22, 2004 Posted October 22, 2004 Hiya Mac's; Welcome to the shack, I am sorry that you're here. Right now, you feel about two inches tall in the eyes of your husband. You think he does not love you or respect you as much as you feel you deserve. You get sick to your stomach when you consider this whole disgusting mess that he has placed you in. You resent that he screwed up and you are paying the price. There is a whole lot more than that going on your head at the moment, I am sure. As I am about four months ahead of you in dealing with my wife's affair, I can give you a head's up. This is a long and terrifying road ahead regardless of what you decide to do. I think if this is the first and only time he has done this, and if you decide you want to stay with your husband, and if he accepts responsibility, and if you accept that you own some responsibility, you can get past this with your marriage and family intact. By making you own some responsibility, you have to realize that something drove him to seek out and accept the affection that was offered. Whether it was boredom with the marriage, lack of sex at home, lack of respect and appreciation, whatever. You have some culpability, but he has NO excuse for breaking his marriage vows and your trust. He must accept that he damaged your faith and trust, and be willing to do whatever it takes to make you feel comfortable with his fidelity. I know you want him to feel guilty, and show you his remorse; in truth, he has to do that for you. For your part, you must do your best to control your emotions, anger, etc. Angry, then weepy, then sad, then manic is not attractive, and will drive him away, and convince him that you are not really trying to get past this childish mess he made. If you decide to leave him, or throw him out, you will still have to deal with your own self-esteem issues, and try to raise your childrenon your own. I cannot say what is best for you, but I can promise that time is the only cure you can count on. The pain and disgust will fade. I promise. I wish you the best. -Dazed
Weird Posted October 22, 2004 Posted October 22, 2004 If I was married and my wife cheated on me I'd divorce her ASAP...but that is just me.
utwonderwoman Posted October 22, 2004 Posted October 22, 2004 Dear Weird, Have you ever been cheated on? Because I remember saying that. Actually, I had a much more graphic approach that I would take. But, until you have been placed in that situation, you really never know how you will act. Just like being mugged.
Weird Posted October 22, 2004 Posted October 22, 2004 Never been cheated on but I am pretty sure I would be very pissed off and would tell her to get the hell out of my life. Sure I would feel sad and stuff but I'd be more angry than upset. To me anyone who cheats is basically saying they don't love the person they are with. If there is no love then there is no point to the relationship.
Author macswifeIthink Posted October 22, 2004 Author Posted October 22, 2004 Dazenconfused- I want to thank you for your comments in my situation but I have to disagree with you in one area- My responsibility for his infidelity issue. You don't know my husband- when I meet him 8 years ago he was a sport model in Charleston sc- he was and is handsome/ beefy and sexy. Since we meet he is not as athletic as he use to be and has gained 100 pounds since we married. I have stayed the same blonde, blue/green eyes athletic body. He has issues in himself for letting himself go although he is 6'3'' 260lbs is still very attractive to me he finds himself older, less attractive and the mere thought of a 21 year old coming on to him took him back to when he was single- it is HIS self esteem issue which he admits that put him in that situation in the first place. I just need to clear that up- I lack in no areas of our relationship- I make great money, I take great care of my kids and my husband, my husband will be the first one to tell you- I had nothing to do with it. and p.s. I am way more sexual then my husband ever thought of being. So as for my responsibility in this mess I take none
utwonderwoman Posted October 22, 2004 Posted October 22, 2004 Amen! If it is something as shallow as his ego needing stroking then he needs to grow up and realize what life is all about. I am sure there were problems, no relationship exists without them. You are only as good as who you are and being true to yourself. You kept your promises and committments that you made to him, he did not do the same. At least go to marriage counseling and see if you can unearth what his 'excuse' is for this behavior. Yes, you may be responsible for some unhappiness in the marriage. But you are not responsible for him betraying your trust and his committment to put his penis where it clearly did not belong. He knew what he was doing, he did it anyway, and continued to follow up with her anyway.
beejsea2 Posted October 22, 2004 Posted October 22, 2004 I've never been married but 20 years ago when I was alot younger I dated a guy that cheated on me. I forgave him but the behavior continued...I think he felt I forgave him once I'd do it again. But we were only dating six months and it was alot easier to walk away. Did you approach your husband about going to a marriage counselor??? I think that would be a good start...my GF went with her ex husband and she said it at least opened her eyes to what he would be willing to do to save their marriage.
Author macswifeIthink Posted October 22, 2004 Author Posted October 22, 2004 Weird- you say you would kick them out ASAP well we all say that until it happens to us- especially when you have children and a home and your feelings are not the only thing in question. I am sorry but I believe and I don't really approve of but some men can separate the difference between love and sex... A marriage vow is a marriage vow, good, bad, poor, rich all that blah blah blah- Trust is very important and once broken to survive and regain is very hard- My marriage was strong, it is dealing with trust issue. I have no doubt in my mind my husband loves me more then life itself- he made a foolish and possibly costly mistake and is now in a position in which he doesn't not know how to react. I hold all the cards and he is scared to death. I love him I just don't like him right now. Have you ever made a mistake? Do you think the mistake my husband made is worth losing everything we worked hard for and hurting my children?
bluechocolate Posted October 22, 2004 Posted October 22, 2004 Do you think the mistake my husband made is worth losing everything we worked hard for and hurting my children? That is something that you & your husband are going to have to decide over the following days, weeks, months even. Love & marriage can survive infidelity if you both want it & are willing to work at it. Given some of his other posts I'm surprised Weird was so reactionary. from Weird To me anyone who cheats is basically saying they don't love the person they are with. That is too basic to apply to human nature. No one is perfect & no relationship is perfect. Cheating is a horrible violation but does not have to end in divorce & the breaking up of families. I'm paraphrasing you here Weird - "sometimes people just give up too easily". macswifeIthink - If you & your husband are willing to try to save your marriage then I encourage you both to do so. Sometimes people come out the other end stronger & even more in love. That is my wish for you.
DazednConfused Posted October 22, 2004 Posted October 22, 2004 Macswife, I really did not mean to imply or to provide an excuse for his behavior. What he did was possibly the toughest thing you will have to deal with. What I was trying to say is that even though he has NO excuse for what he did, you have to find it within yourself to forgive if you can. I take no responsibility for my wife's action either, and I will not. It was inexcusable. I do take some of the responsibility for the factors that led to her disgraceful act. There is a difference. If you take a hard-line and pretend that you are perfect and that he is scum, I just don't think you can ever have a healthy marriage again. Even if you forgive, he will eventually resent that you have this thing to hit him over the head with. If you want to keep him, show him that you are human too. I hold all the cards and he is scared to death. I love him I just don't like him right now. Have you ever made a mistake? Do you think the mistake my husband made is worth losing everything we worked hard for and hurting my children? You do hold all the cards at this point. Only you and your husband can make the decisions about what is best. I wish you luck. -Dazed
ltomlinson81 Posted October 22, 2004 Posted October 22, 2004 I have been cheated on, and I disagree with an idea in this post. You should not take ANY responsibility for someone cheating on you. That person made that decision. There are a million other acceptable ways to work through any kind of unhappiness in a relationship, being unfaithful in not one of them. This is NOT your fault.
Author macswifeIthink Posted October 22, 2004 Author Posted October 22, 2004 I don't know if any of you are or have been involved with a husband or wife that is in the United States Military- It is very hard to keep a marriage alive living day in and day out with that person- but when your spouse is gone months at a time when they return it is like starting all over again learning each other all over again. Sometime excited sometimes not. My husband and I have had hard times and this is one of them. I appreciate everyone's comments in this case and all of you have been helpful in some areas of my issues. I do love my husband and I know he loves me- but love is not the issue here- I am not a follower and I have never been one- he needs people to need him and he and I have always clashed in that area. But again being married to a military man you learn to fend for yourself alot. I can get over the sexual act- I can't get over the lame disregard and disrespect to me and the fact that he took in no consideration on how I may feel. especially when he claimed it was a one night stand and spoke to her for 3 hours on his cell after returning home in one night not including the other conversations with her before I found out- To me that is what is unforgivable- OK he had a one night stand whatever but don't bring that sh-t back home and then have the audacity to lie to my face. I deserve more then that.
utwonderwoman Posted October 22, 2004 Posted October 22, 2004 are you going to be willing to tell him that it is a-o-k with you that he slept with this other woman. That it is something that you can certainly forgive as long as he doesn't lie to you about it. I have yet to meet a woman, no matter what her circumstance that should be treated that poorly. Military or not. Forgiveness is one thing, acceptance is another. Please tell me that you know you deserve better than that.
Author macswifeIthink Posted October 22, 2004 Author Posted October 22, 2004 It in no way shape or form is ok that he slept with someone else. What I am saying is at this point and time I can forgive the act itself meaning it is something that emotionally and mentally I can learn to move on- I can not on the other hand stand being lied to and that I will not hang around for. I doubt he will ever cheat on me again. hope I cleared that up I would hate you all to think I thought having a sexual relationship with someone else was ok in my eyes because my responds would be HELL NO.
Weird Posted October 22, 2004 Posted October 22, 2004 Again, I am saying what I would do not what others should do. Do I think you should divorce the guy/ Nope, not unless you think that is what you want to do. I am just merely saying I would not keep being wiht a woman if she cheated on me. I guess I just have a different outlook of humans and I can not make an excuse for someone cheating just because they are human and wanted ot hump somoene else. We are suppsoed ot be the most intelligence species on the planet but by cheating on someone you are basically saying you are no better than a common bunny. It isn't like when a perosn cheats thier brain suddenly shuts off and they forget about the person they supposedly love...they dont and they ahve you full in mind while they are in the act. Again, this is just my opinion of people who cheat. I can forgive any mistake a person makes except that. Just make sure when you forgive him that you lay it down on him that if he does anything like this agian he is gone. Oh and yes I have made mistakes. Go check out all my posts on this forum and you will see I am one of the biggest proponents of reconciliation and forigvg people for making mistakes/bad decisions.
Lainie Posted October 23, 2004 Posted October 23, 2004 I feel for you, I really do. I know what you are going through. I'm going through a similar thing right now myself. Except i'm not married with children. It is very difficult when your partner has been unfaithful. The lies, the deceit, and the betrayl is just excruciating. IT is such a painful process, and you find yourself going crazy questioning, why did this happen, how could he do this to me? What did i do wrong? Well, you did nothing wrong. He was the one that made the mistake, not you. You did not do thi, you did not ask him to do this. He decided to do this alone. I thought my relationship with my boyfriend was fabulous, but obviously it wasn't fabulous to him because he cheated on me. Maybe men need different things and clearly when we think things are great, things may not be great for them. But i think that stems from their own personal insecurities, not ours. Like you mentioned, he may have self-esteem issues, with his weight and personality. He may have found himself in a position where..... whatever, sorry, it would only be specualtion and i don't know you guys. For whatever reason, he did it. He threw it all away. What you have to decide is if you can trust him again. What is right for YOU? Forget everyone else.... what can YOU live with? If you want to give him another go, then do. But go to counselling. I think there are issues that you both need to discuss. His reasons, and your resent of him, for a start. Relationships aren't easy, they take a lot of work. I'm not sure if people really know that. Love does NOT conquer everything. You both need to work at it. You both have to want to make it work. I wish you all the very best, and let us know how you go. This forum is great, and has helped me out a lot in my time of need. I was going crazy with depsair and anxiety. But, like you said earlier, it's amazing how you feel when it happens to you. You don't know how you're going to react until you are put to the test! I thought the same thing when i found out my boyfriend cheated on him. I had a massive fight with him and packed up all of my stuff and left. But it's been nearly a month now and i'm consdering giving him another chance. He is hurting just as much as i am. Maybe some people need to lose what they've got to realise what they have. I'm not saying it's right, but some people are a little slow. Everyone makes mistakes, but it's what you can live with that counts. All my Love and sympathies to you. Let us know what you decide to do. Take care of yourself and your children. Your friends and family are your greatest support network!
crystaln Posted October 15, 2005 Posted October 15, 2005 Hi, Found this web site, may never be back again....but, my husband cheated on me with my cousin....10 yrs of marriage (married young at 24 and 27 him), but continued the affair for 8 months after. Today, I am trying to make it work....but tonight I am tired of all his crap! Why did he do it, "You didn't make me feel loved" (I work 50 hrs per/wk, bring home the $, pay the bills, clean the house, pack backpacks, bring out the garbage etc... you get the message) How do you not feel loved? Because I am so tired of doing everything that I don't have time to treat you like your "Mommy" did? Sucks, how the cycle goes, I need affection to feel loved and want to have sex, and he needs sex to feel loved and show affection! Women are from Mars and Men are from Venus? I don't know if any of you are or have been involved with a husband or wife that is in the United States Military- It is very hard to keep a marriage alive living day in and day out with that person- but when your spouse is gone months at a time when they return it is like starting all over again learning each other all over again. Sometime excited sometimes not. My husband and I have had hard times and this is one of them. I appreciate everyone's comments in this case and all of you have been helpful in some areas of my issues. I do love my husband and I know he loves me- but love is not the issue here- I am not a follower and I have never been one- he needs people to need him and he and I have always clashed in that area. But again being married to a military man you learn to fend for yourself alot. I can get over the sexual act- I can't get over the lame disregard and disrespect to me and the fact that he took in no consideration on how I may feel. especially when he claimed it was a one night stand and spoke to her for 3 hours on his cell after returning home in one night not including the other conversations with her before I found out- To me that is what is unforgivable- OK he had a one night stand whatever but don't bring that sh-t back home and then have the audacity to lie to my face. I deserve more then that.
Asmera Posted October 15, 2005 Posted October 15, 2005 Look, I know it hurts and it sucks big time. If your husband is sticking his penis in another vagina, he doesn't care about you. No matter what. Dump him and move on. You'll never be able to trust him again, you're teaching your kids it's ok to be treated like crap, and to put up with it. Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. Dump him!
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