kelly_wandering Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 I met my boyfriend 4 months ago and it was awesome from the start. I've never met someone I was so compatible with. The immediate problem was obvious - I live in Canada, he lives in the USA. We're 3.5 hours apart including a border crossing. So far, we've gone back and forth every weekend. I know a lot of you will be really jealous reading that - and it has been amazing - but I AM SO EXHAUSTED. When he's here, we don't sleep, when I'm there, we don't sleep, and add the travel time to that and I feel like I have lost my life. I spend weeknights desperately trying to catch up on sleep while maintaining my friendships and my full-time job, and then Friday night > Monday morning I'm with him. Can anyone offer some advice? I really love being with him and I'm worried it will hurt our relationship if I take a 'weekend off'. Besides, I know that if I do tell him not to come visit, I'll be sitting at home angry at myself and missing him. But I'm just so exhausted right now.
Treasa Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 If it hurts your relationship to take time to take care of yourself, then you aren't in a good relationship, hon. Try seeing each other every other weekend. Are there plans for one of you to possibly move someday?
CherryT Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 I met my boyfriend 4 months ago and it was awesome from the start. I've never met someone I was so compatible with. The immediate problem was obvious - I live in Canada, he lives in the USA. We're 3.5 hours apart including a border crossing. So far, we've gone back and forth every weekend. I know a lot of you will be really jealous reading that - and it has been amazing - but I AM SO EXHAUSTED. When he's here, we don't sleep, when I'm there, we don't sleep, and add the travel time to that and I feel like I have lost my life. I spend weeknights desperately trying to catch up on sleep while maintaining my friendships and my full-time job, and then Friday night > Monday morning I'm with him. Can anyone offer some advice? I really love being with him and I'm worried it will hurt our relationship if I take a 'weekend off'. Besides, I know that if I do tell him not to come visit, I'll be sitting at home angry at myself and missing him. But I'm just so exhausted right now. You've gone back and forth every weekend? Are you on the West Coast where you can drive? I have a similar set up to you so I understand the intense traveling. Commend you for doing it every week though... we don't, that's for sure. But we can't drive - we have to fly (but similar 3.5 hour flight). Are you exchanging weekends to travel? He comes up one week and you the next? And why don't you sleep? Do you stay awake all night to talk? Maybe I'm old, but even if we had sex a few times in a night, I can't do it ALL night. If you're seeing each other so often, it's not like you have to spend every second with that person. It's nice to be "normal" in a long distance relationship. My BF and I sit at home and watch TV... and just enjoy. We have date-night's in because we know it's tiring for us to travel. So when he comes sees me, I cook dinner and we have a nice night in. When I go see him, he might take me out and we relax watching a movie. Maybe it's more about managing your schedule together than the amount of travel.
SweetiePie12 Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 Can anyone offer some advice? I really love being with him and I'm worried it will hurt our relationship if I take a 'weekend off'. Gotta be honest with you. I can totally relate. I did a 4 hour round trip every weekend to be with my man, then hit the ground running Monday morning. Thursday would roll around sometimes, and I still hadn't had a chance to unpack from the weekend before. Listen closely: when I took a weekend off -- we were never the same again. Love is sacrifice. Keep seeing him. This is my advice. But I'm just so exhausted right now. My man had the comfiest bed. Once I went there and went straight to sleep, LOL. He said he turned on the lights, tried to rouse me later -- and he couldn't, LOL. He found it sexy, understanding that all I wanted was to be around him and in his presence. Get it??
SweetiePie12 Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 Are there plans for one of you to possibly move someday? Very important. You can't keep up at that pace forever...
PepperPotts Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 Now that you've been encouraged to both take a weekend off and never take a weekend off ever, allow me to offer a compromise: Ask for one night each weekend where you stay in and go to bed at a decent time. Normalcy is absolutely key because if it's not there it's not going to be there when you close the distance. Have a date night-- have a night where you stay up talking and "talking" into the wee hours-- and take your first night there or your last night and order pizza/cook dinner in, watch a movie on netflix, "talk" and get in bed by midnight. Allow yourself to sleep at least eight hours. I'm in the "if he won't let you take a weekend off this isn't a healthy relationship" camp, but mostly because he HAS to be as exhausted as you are unless he's unemployed, and if so, you guys have a communication problem here. It's not a major one, but it's one you need to fix. You need to be able to tell each other it's "me" time, or "No, I don't want to do that." You have to be able to discuss plans openly without hurt feelings, even longstanding ones. Does it mean they necessarily change? No. But he needs to know you feel this way (again, I would almost guarantee he feels the same!!) before it builds and you finally scream "I need a weekend away from YOU!" Because that's not what you mean. You just want some *rest.* Suggest a night each weekend where you REST and just enjoy being together instead of rushing to cram a week's worth of relationship and fun into one weekend. Another option you might consider --which I think might be more help to both of you-- is to leave Sunday evening. Leave at 7:00, get home at 10:30, and have time to rest before work the next day. What you lose in time together you also lose in *resentment* of that same time together.
Author kelly_wandering Posted July 12, 2013 Author Posted July 12, 2013 Thank you everyone for the advice so far. I really appreciate it! YES - we know that one of us will have to move to the other. This will probably happen at the end of the year; I think I'll move to him. Of course it gets very complex when you think about the different countries involved and permits and visas - marriage seems to be the simplest solution to get us both permission to be in the others' country but I don't want to race into marriage for a visa! I think part of the problem is that we both have very full lives and when we see each other again, we're up late talking/etc (we have trouble keeping our hands off each other!) and then have to be up at 6-7am to go to an event because the weekends are so full. e.g. He has a standing family committment every Sunday morning at 7:00am. It's killing me!!! But I go, because it's important to him, and he's important to me. But he seems to get by on only 6 hours of sleep whereas I need 8, which is why I think I am feeling worse.
Author kelly_wandering Posted July 12, 2013 Author Posted July 12, 2013 Oh, and the leaving Sunday evening idea is a really good one. I think that will definitely help. 1
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