angry and hurt

[neverwas]

hi all, my first post, forgive me if its long winded.

 

me and my husband have been together for 16 years total. 14 years married. he has a child from a previous marriage and i have a child from a previous boyfriend and we have 2 children together. the oldest is grown, then theres 2 older teens and a toddler. i was 20 when we married and he was 28. I've been a stay at home mom from the start.

 

i knew this was coming. hes been pulling away for the last 3 years. in the last year and a half hes been making a lot of changes. changing his clothing style, facial hair, working out, bought a motorcycle, asking for rogain and requesting new under-ware, wearing cologne. i suspected there was a side-chick. i searched and snooped and all i came up with was thats hes sneaky. he erases all calls and texts before he comes home from work. he keeps at least 5 different emails. so i looked at the cell phone records, and found numbers to a previous female neighbors parents. i told him all the numbers he texts show up on the bill and now he only calls me the kids and his mom from that phone. he also has a company phone that he used to bring home but doesn't anymore. i stopped asking if he was cheating 6 months ago. all it did was start an argument and make him sneakier.

 

5 days ago he left in the morning and never said where he was going or when he'd be back, which has gotten pretty common lately. when he finally came home after the kids were in bed i asked him whats up with him. and he said he wants a divorce. he's said it before in anger but he always said he didn't mean it later. this time hes serious.

 

I'm devastated and in shock. I'm hurt. I'm angry. we've never had a perfect marriage but we've had a good marriage with a few bumps. we've always been able to solve our problems even some that took years. we've separated twice because i wanted to. i had a very unrealistic expectation that marriage wasn't supposed to be so hard and that love was supposed to always be wonderful. i was young and naive. i know now that everyone doesn't get a happily ever after and that sometimes love sux and that if it was easy i wouldn't appreciate it anyway.

 

my husband has always been attracted to women who are train-wrecks. myself included. i had a terrible childhood and i was only 18 when i met him. i was angry, and rebellious and always looking for trouble. he gave me a safe place to fall, and i did. i became horribly depressed as i let go of the hard exterior i had built up. he stayed. he should have ran, but he stayed. he held me while i cried and he listed while i talked and got all of the pent up emotions out. i was finally able to process it all and every day i was a little stronger, a little more confident, a little less beaten down. after about 7 years i was really something else. i wasn't haunted anymore. i was the woman he should have been looking for from the start.

 

in 06 i noticed his wandering eye, though i didn't realize what it was. the neighbor was about my age, attractive, and you could see she was a hot mess from a mile away. he made lots of comments about her. i thought nothing serious of it at the time. when we separated in 2010 he started pursuing her and a few other women who were train-wrecks also. and i realized he had some kind of saviour complex.

 

when he's single the man can't pay bills. he makes enough to pay his and the neighbors bills but can't pay his own. he will happily spend his entire paycheck and have nothing to show for it. he also doesn't clean. so he usually ends up in a motel surrounded by heaps of trash. literally. I'm not trying to run him down, don't get the wrong idea, he will out work 5 men. I'm saying that so you will understand. i think he needs someone who's more of a disaster than him so he doesn't feel like a disaster. about 5 years into the marriage i took over the finances because i was tired of having utility's disconnected.

 

i think the problem is that I've not been a disaster in a very long time. i think its maybe eroded his self esteem. or maybe he needs the challenge. whatever it is, where I'm at now is I've spent the last 16 years doing my part. running this house and caring for him and our kids, helping him with his career. making a home where everyone feels safe and warm and loved. building and planning a life and future for all of us. and what have i got to show for it? $0 earning potential because i have a high school education and no work experience. no drivers license cause i got tickets before i met him and they never got taken care of. mine and our children's security and stability riped out from underneath us. why? cause he cant get his crap together and take two seconds to weigh out whether a train-wreck is worth more than his family?!!!

 

whats the worst of it all is I'm so friggin angry at him that i don't want him to change his mind for fear that this will just come up again, but every time i open my mouth I'm pleading with him to just give us a chance without even realizing it. i love him with every bit of my self and i don't want this to happen but I'm so pissed off!

 

so now the plan is were gonna live together while i go to school so i can get a decent job to support these children while I'm expected to continue running this house for him and washing his clothes and cooking his meals when all i really want to do is set his motorcycle on fire.

 

(relax i wont really set it on fire, but i wont stop the dogs from peeing on it)

 

I'm feeling 100 different things right now and they are all bad :-(

[AE1]

I first want to say that I am sorry you are having to go through all of this. I was married less than a year, and I couldn't imagine 16 years. I don't blame you for being so angry. I would be also. My ex cheated on me with a sister of a really good friend, so I can relate a little to that anger. I read all the things you said about your husband and my thoughts are.. are you sure you still want to be with him after everything? I know fear of moving on and supporting yourself and your children are a huge concern, but it can be done. Which life sounds better to you? You can do it. If you have been a stay at home mom all those years, then you can do anything. I hope this helps some.

[neverwas]

after everything I still love him, I still want him. I'm confused and on the fence about it all. part of me feels like he is my everything, and part of me feels like he holds me back. I never got my g.e.d. till we separated. every time I mentioned furthering my education he would come up with 10 reasons why it was inconvenient or impossible. I think he always liked being the sole provider, I think it was convenient up until now. the last time we separated he refused any financial support, which in the beginning left me and my children sleeping in a family friends living room with nothing but what fit in a few bags.

 

I have basically no family. nowhere to go. maybe I've just clung to him as a life raft? I know when I was separated and finally got on my feet it was exhilarating, but at the time the baby wasn't born yet, and as I said my first two children are teens. with the baby I'm afraid. theres no one to ask to babysit that I trust, and I hate the idea of him being warehoused with 20 other children like a herd of sheep.

 

I think a lot of what if's factor into this. I don't want to be alone. but I don't want a man either. I have zero desire to let any strange man into my comfort zone or near my kids or even know my personal business. and I know that eventually I will get lonely, and I will want someone, and someone's over 35 have kids or want kids or should never be allowed near pets let alone kids. I don't want the hassle or heartache of a blended family, and my baby making days are over, and I have never been able to pick a man who was worth having. I'm very comfortable with things the way they are right now.

 

I guess its just been easier to sacrifice being genuinely loved, appreciated, valued, and wanted for comfort and security.

 

I tried to talk to him tonight, I'm trying so desperately to understand what's going on in his head, I guess in hopes of fixing it. he's sticking to it. and I still get this lingering feeling that he has outside motivation though he denies it. he says there's no one, I said there's something. he may not be banging her out right, but he's still up to no good. at that point he went from looking pissed to sheepish. mmmmmhhmmm.

[Gunny376]

Slow down, calm down, take a deep breath,

 

EXHALE!

 

Do this ten times or more, each day and through out the day!

[neverwas]

what a difference a day makes. I found out this morning he's drained the bank account. there isn't enough left in it to cover the bills that are due in a few days. I let him know its in his best interest to keep this house up to date with bills because the only place I have to go is on the other side of the country or a homeless shelter. and if me n these kids end up in a shelter I will spend the rest of my life seeing to it that he never sees them again.

 

I've laid everything out clearly for him, I want my dental work finished, my drivers license and a reliable car in my name. when that's done I will give him an uncontested divorce and I wont ask for spousal support. I will cover the loans for school myself. he is now trying to convince me that if we were divorced the state would cover my dental work. I told him absolutely not!

 

this is how it went last time we separated. he told me he doesn't need a judge to make him do what's right and he would pay child support. I was stupid enough to believe him! and of course he left us penniless. its not going to happen again.

 

I have to keep reminding myself that he has no morals. that was one of my biggest complaints during the marriage, that I was tired of having to be his moral compass. he was good to us but he had no problems being awful to others.

 

so I guess its game on. I'm also going to try that 180 thing I read on this forum somewhere. not to get him back, but to help me move on, I don't want him seeing how bad this hurts and getting any satisfaction from it. he said last night I am pressuring him. I don't get how trying to keep my family together is wrong. I think it shows how completely self centered he really is. and since that's the case I see no need to give him any special consideration. the man I loved is gone.

 

every time things get really bad between us, this side of him comes out. and every time I'm surprised by it, although this time a little less so. it makes me so mad how blind I've chosen to live everyday, I've kept a snake next to me for almost half my life. some things wrong with me. I have to fix this.

[AE1]

Try to keep your head up. I know it is so much easier to say then do. It sounds like something needs to change or this situation might come up again. Did I get it right that it has happened before? Don't settle for security. Be happy, life is so short. Separation divorce them not wanting us is so heartbreaking but you can be happy. Keep posting here and getting it out. I am listening

[GuyInLimbo]

I'm confused. He's been sneaky for years, yet you're in shock he wants out?

[neverwas]

dodgersfan2005

 

I will look into getting that book and thank you.

 

AE1

 

just getting this out of my head is so helpful and thank you for listening. to answer your question, yes its happened before. in 08 he developed a video game additction and pretty much ignored me entirely. I ended up having an online emotional affair. we separated for 8 months. in 2010 my father died. I took it really hard and decided to leave. we stayed apart 5 months.

[neverwas]

I'm confused. He's been sneaky for years, yet you're in shock he wants out?

 

 

is that really so hard to believe? how many stories do you hear of men cheating and telling the fling they are getting a divorce so they can marry her, but never will and never do?

 

yesterday I spent the day thinking back on the last 6 years or so. maybe I should have been less surprised? the last 2 and a half years Ive been consumed with getting through a particularly hard pregnancy and trying to recover from it, and the little ones colic and not sleeping through the night and on and on. maybe I'm just stupid! because the move I think the more obvious it is. he wouldn't be even mildly affectionate when I was pregnant unless we were in front of other people. after the baby was born is when he started calling me names and saying hurtful things. I knew something was wrong, but I thought like always he would get his thoughts together and when he was ready, he would come to me to talk. I guess he just didn't say what I wanted to hear.

 

I did a really good job of keeping my self upbeat the second half of yesterday, when he got home I smiled and made small talk. I didn't bring up anything heavy until just before I went to bed, I talked to him about cutting down household bills to speed this along, since he seemed in such a hurry. and that I had seen a commercial for an accelerated medical program and would look into it. I told him about how much I was looking forward to going to school. he smiled, his eyes were filled with tears. if I asked him why he would say because his little broken sparrow is flying away, but I know that would be a lie. he was hurt that I wasn't crying anymore or begging him for a chance. he wont see or hear me do that again. not because I don't want it, that's all my heart wants, but because I remember the snake he really is and I wont be bit again. I have to start thinking with my head and not my heart.

[neverwas]

today was our 16th anniversary of when we first got together. today he said he never loved me. today I told him I will never be friends with him, he insists we must be friends. I told him I don't keep friends like him.

[neverwas]

its evening and the night is coming, im starting to notice he only seems to be mean at night. going to have to come up with something to do at night to avoid him.

 

im doing very well with the 180. I still make my snarky comments every now and then, maybe 1 time each day. im refusing to let him soften this for himself. everytime I catch him trying to put a spin on it that's less vilifying, I correct him. and when he looks at me wounded I calmly tell him to take responsibility for his choices.

 

we told our daughter last night. she said she knew something was wrong.

 

I don't want him back. I feel like a cloud has lifted from over my head and I can see clearly now.

 

wondering what the hell is wrong with me that I would accept the things I have.

 

today I laughed so hard I cried and cranked up the music and danced. I was happy. I can do this. :-)

Edited July 15, 2013 by neverwas