My dad has cancer. My brother's cut us out of his life because of his wife.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Hello everyone. I used to post here years ago in the dating sections. I'm now going to be married this year, which is very exciting! I really need some advice or thoughts regarding a major family issue that has been going on for the past 3 years, if not 4.

 

I always thought my sister-in-law (I will call her M) and my family got along really well. My brother (I will call him Lee) is in his mid 30's as is my sister in law, for some background. I am in my late 20's. But then she had a breakdown and my brother called my house and told my parents that they needed some space, that his wife was going through a very hard time. So my parents gave him the space he asked for. Eventually, I was asked to live with them during this hard time to help. I immediately did so and stayed with them for a few months, trying to help by being there for my sister-in-law, M. I found out while I was living there that M was furious with my parents, especially with my mom, for not being there for her during this time. I called my mom and told her so that she would be aware of this, and my mom sent M a card and called her and said she could stay with her as well. This just made M more mad. My stay with Lee and M drew to a close, I moved home, and a month after that, we received a long E-mail (pages worth) addressed to my whole family saying all the things she hated about us. This ranged from not being there to help her during her time to having frozen food when she and Lee lived at my parents house years ago. She brought me into it and said when I went through a depression, I had my mom's hand to hold throughout the whole time and that what had happened to me was nothing compared to her. She wrote about it in a condescending way. The whole E-mail really hurt my feelings, as I had been raped which is why I went through a depression years ago. She and Lee both knew about it; I felt she was making fun of my situation and she blatantly belittled it in the E-mail. Some of the things she addressed in the E-mail I understood; not visiting them as much as she would have liked and my mom picking where we went out to eat. But we did see them often and none of these concerns were addressed to us. I also felt like a lot of the complaints were insulting, such as the food we had, the air conditioning and heat (they weren't to her liking), how my dogs were gross, etc.

 

Well, I probably shouldn't have, but I felt so hurt after reading the E-mail, that I sent M a text that said, "That really hurt my feelings and I felt like you were making fun of my depression." This really set things off; Lee called my dad to tell him I was in the wrong for replying. I wrote an E-mail to my brother (which I know I shouldn't have) which told him I was understanding but that I wasn't going to tolerate verbal abuse. I was cut off from their lives, just as my parents were. I haven't seen him in 3 years, even though I have sent both he and M holiday gifts every year as well as a housewarming gift, and have sent an apology for anything I've done to make them upset. Fast forward to years later, my dad has terminal cancer and may only have 3 years left to live. He was diagnosed about a year and a half ago, I want to say. Over the past 3 years, Lee has only seen my dad twice even though they live 2 1/2 hours away. He has essentially cut my parents off. This is really hurting my dad's feelings and I feel it is adding stress to his cancer. I am really upset about this, because I want things to be resolved and I want my dad to be happy before he eventually passes (G-d willing, it will be years from now, but the doctor says normally those in my dad's position have 3 years left). Lee has recently called and said that he wanted us to resolve these issues before he would come to my wedding. M got on the phone with my dad and said she would meet with us, but still has issues with me and my mom and that she might say something she would regret. My dad said that he, my mom and I would be more than willing to meet with Lee and M to sort things out. It basically sounded like I would be yelled at for whatever I did wrong during this meeting, but I was willing to do it so that we could all move on and so my dad could be at peace knowing that we were a family once again. M is also still mad at my family because after it was discovered that my dad had cancer, she looked up a hospital and Paul sent us what she had found. She is still angry that we did not thank her for this information, even though my dad did. I find it really selfish that she is supposed to be thanked for looking up information for my dad's cancer, when we were all beside ourselves upon finding out and had all these things on our mind. This meeting got cancelled with the excuse of being too busy with work. This happened once in the past. Supposedly we were going to get together over the holidays to sort things out, but it never happened.

 

My question is, what can I do about this? I want my dad to be happy and I know this situation eats away at him. I know he wants to see his son and he knows he doesn't have much time left. I don't know if I can really do anything. The sad thing is, my dad's birthday is this weekend and he was excited about at least getting the chance to see Lee and M again. I am sorry this is so long. Thank you for reading.

Edited July 11, 2013 by XxBacktoBlackXx

[pink_sugar]

I am so sorry to hear this. Both my husband's parents died of terminal brain cancer. His mom recently passed away after struggling with her cancer for 3 1/3 years. Unfortunately his dad was diagnosed and passed within months. You cannot really force your family to come together, as sad as it is. Do what YOU can to be there for your father right now. My husband's stepfather made it very difficult for him to see his mother and she showed little desire to see her son...even stopped speaking for months because of something her husband was offended over. Time is short and my husband and I got to see little of her. It still remains to be seen whether or not she left her son anything in her will or life insurance. Anyways, try and be there for your dad as much as you can. Your brother will have to live with his own decisions.

Edited July 11, 2013 by pink_sugar

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Pink_sugar, thanks so much for your reply. I really appreciate it. I am sorry for what happened in your situation. That's very sad. I think you're right that there's nothing I can do about it. Do you think the things I said are unforgiveable? I really tried to be there for them when they asked me to move in with them, and I was there at least 2 months, I believe. I stayed until they said they didn't need me there anymore and they told me I was a big help. Recently M told my dad that it was nice that I stayed there at that time but that she had to pick up after me sometimes. I had no idea and I don't remember that at all. I really know I didn't leave things everywhere. I think she is rewriting history to make me look bad, when she is really mad at me for replying to the E-mail and saying to Lee I wouldn't take verbal abuse. I am sorry I reacted in that way, if that was inappropriate.

 

I know I only know my side and my parent's side of the story. I know that my family isn't perfect. I also know that my mom could have shown she was supporting M, but Lee told her and my dad to not call for awhile, so they followed that. I think there may be a lot of things misconstrued. Everything else she has a problem with, I think could be worked out. I don't think it will ever happen, though. She hates us with such a passion, it feels.

[CC12]

Ugh. I had a bunch of thoughtful words typed out but I deleted them because the bottom line is this. Your dad has cancer. Do whatever you can to make his life pleasant. All these bull**** spats with your brother and his wife are petty and stupid. You have no control over what they do or what kind of relationship they have with dad, so forget it. None of your business. You can't fix it. Let it be. Stop communicating with them if you can't handle it well. Don't make the situation worse by reacting emotionally to anything bro and SIL do.