I have to break a heart. Kindest way to do it?

July 11, 2013

I've been seeing someone for a month and a half -- about seven dates with a lot of communication between (text, email, phone, Skype, due to me being out of town frequently). Not a long time, but we have become extremely close, and he's started telling me I'm the love and his life and that he's never felt this way about anyone before.

He is very sweet and I enjoy his company, but my feelings are nowhere near his, and my attraction to him is becoming more platonic. To make matters worse, I recently reconnected with someone I met last year who I can't stop thinking about, and I'm going crazy trying to reign in my feelings for him. (He is someone where within five minutes of first meeting him, "Future Husband" was screaming in my head.) I can't in good conscience stay with the guy I've been seeing, and I know I need to call things off very soon.

I do care deeply about him and want to do this in the most gentle and respectful way possible.

The problems:

-He is EXTREMELY emotional and sensitive, has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to being severely abused as a child, and breakups set him off in a big way

-He just lost his job AND got in a car accident (several broken bones) AND is going through some rough patches with his family... so the timing for this is already horrible

-His last two relationships ended brutally, with the other person stringing him along and then dumping him out of the blue... I fear this is going to be another "out of left field" breakup for him and will reopen those earlier wounds

There are a few hurdles this relationship already had -- including a 10-year age gap (him older and being in a different life stage), him having a daughter he has half-time custody of, problems with me needing to travel a lot and him not being comfortable with me being gone so much, him feeling I'm too ambitious with my career and not relationship-oriented enough, and mismatched communication needs/preferences. So even if I wasn't battling feelings for somebody else, these things would probably have eventually fed into a breakup.

I want to find the best possible way to end things, given this situation. Which reasons to give him and how to explain why I want to break up. I realize it's going to hurt him no matter how I do it, but the full truth ("I like somebody else better than you") just seems cruel, and even the other truth ("I don't feel romantically attracted to you") also seems like an incredibly hard blow, especially since he already has problems with insecurity.

Would it be best to be fully honest and give the complete truth, or wiser to cite some of the other issues we've had (like discomfort with the age gap and him having a kid) to avoid crushing his self worth? Should I even mention there's someone else in the picture, or would that just add insult to injury?

Any ideas on how to approach this would be much appreciated. I know how terrible it is to be dumped and I want to handle this in the most sensitive way possible.

July 11, 2013

W0W it's impossible. Two words: NO FUTURE

Non of the fluffy stuff matters.

July 11, 2013

Women have it so freaking easy don't they? Especially if they are attractive. Because they know that for every guys heart they shatter, that there will be 50 other guys who will be wanting to talk to them.

So go ahead sweetie and break this poor saps heart. The timing is perfect on your part considering this guy is at an extremely low and unlucky time in his life. So why not contribute to that pattern and just break his heart right? You can go be with your old "future husband" and you can just leave this other guy in the gutter and maybe even suicidal. What do you care though right? As long as you get your old man. You may feel guilty for destroying this guy, but don't worry, that guilt will only last 24 hours tops, and then you can just go right to the old guy and never give the other poor unfortunate guy a second thought.

So you're saying she should stay with this guy... out of guilt?

Yeah, okay.

July 11, 2013

Women have it so freaking easy don't they? Especially if they are attractive. Because they know that for every guys heart they shatter, that there will be 50 other guys who will be wanting to talk to them.

So go ahead sweetie and break this poor saps heart. The timing is perfect on your part considering this guy is at an extremely low and unlucky time in his life. So why not contribute to that pattern and just break his heart right? You can go be with your old "future husband" and you can just leave this other guy in the gutter and maybe even suicidal. What do you care though right? As long as you get your old man. You may feel guilty for destroying this guy, but don't worry, that guilt will only last 24 hours tops, and then you can just go right to the old guy and never give the other poor unfortunate guy a second thought.

Hey, I'm guessing you've been through a painful heartbreak where someone left you seemingly heartlessly. If that's the case, I'm sorry you have to experience and my heart really does go out to you -- I've been through similar. But I don't think it's helpful to project that experience onto this one. To continue staying with this guy -- who I've only been with a month and a half -- would mean lying to him about my feelings, taking away time he could be using to find someone who loves him as much as he deserves, driving a wedge in our honesty with each other because I cannot disclose what I'm really thinking and feeling, and forcing myself to kiss and be intimate with him when those things are feeling somewhat repulsive. Would this really be doing him a favor, or would it just be making the eventual breakup even more painful?

I have stayed with people out of guilt before. In my experience, it only causes more anguish for both people. I would like to give this man the respect of being upfront. I just want to know the way to do it that will cause the least amount of damage to his self esteem and feelings of worth.

July 11, 2013

I'd keep it simple.

"Our connection isn't growing the way I feel it should and we just aren't right for each other."

Something like that.

No, I would NOT bring up his child or issues in the relationship. And certainly not the other guy.

July 11, 2013

Thanks you guys. It sounds like short and direct is the consensus.

I know he is going to ask questions, though, and want to know my reasons. I feel like after the level of emotional intimacy we've established, I shouldn't just refuse to answer... What should I tell him if that happens? "My feelings aren't progressing in the way they should be"?

July 11, 2013

tell him that you're gay, the girl he knew has evaporated, if you want kindness, well, tell a fib that your gayness has been building up over time, even tried fighting it, but you will remain loyal and would never want to hear a bad word said about him

July 11, 2013

Be direct and honest and to the point. You're not feeling it and are going a different direction. I wouldn't have a 30 minute conversation with him explaining all the reasons why either. It's like when you fire someone at a job. It's quick and to the point and they're gone.

It's a shame that he's at a low point right now but you can't stay w/someone you're not happy with because you feel sorry for him.

Be kind and respectful but I'd keep it short as well.

July 11, 2013

the only problem i see in this guy he is co-depended please but please

tell it to him

at-least give him a lesson the pain gonna be pain

and explain one of the reason's is he is co-depended and you don't like it

+ you lose the emotion that you two establish and its something that cant get back in a long run

explain the most important part

that you don't wanna drug him explain that you don't wanna drug him cos it gonna be much much worse

July 12, 2013

I notice how no one disagreed with the first paragraph of my post lol.

So this guy is repulsive to you now huh? Man I really feel sorry for this guy. How much bad luck can a person have? He has all this other unfortunate crap that has happened to him and then he meets YOU and starts having deep feelings for you and it seems as though he was also falling in love with you. He probably is thinking right now that his luck has FINALLY started to turn around because he met, in his mind, a wonderful woman like you. But of course little does this poor sap know that his world is about to once again come crashing down and bad luck is about to bite him in the butt again. All because this man is now "repulsive" to you. The best thing you could've done for this man was never talk to him ever again after your first date. Now you have invested over a month with him and he has feelings for you. And you feel that by leaving him now it's doing him a favor because maybe he can go find the right person for him? Do you honestly think this man, in the present state he is in, is going to be able find anyone? Absolutely not. So basically you'll just be leaving this guy all alone with all these other issues going on and basically abandoning him and my guess is that he's going to be alone for a very long time and extremely heartbroken and angry and sad from what you're about to do to him. But hey, at least you will now be able to be with "future husband" guy right? Life's all good for you.

July 12, 2013

Women have it so freaking easy don't they? Especially if they are attractive. Because they know that for every guys heart they shatter, that there will be 50 other guys who will be wanting to talk to them.

So go ahead sweetie and break this poor saps heart. The timing is perfect on your part considering this guy is at an extremely low and unlucky time in his life. So why not contribute to that pattern and just break his heart right? You can go be with your old "future husband" and you can just leave this other guy in the gutter and maybe even suicidal. What do you care though right? As long as you get your old man. You may feel guilty for destroying this guy, but don't worry, that guilt will only last 24 hours tops, and then you can just go right to the old guy and never give the other poor unfortunate guy a second thought.

I think that's really unfair. It goes both ways. Neither men nor women have it easy when it comes to this stuff.

As to her question, I would keep the explanation as simple as possible. There is no easy way to do this and no way that will not cause pain. I would say don't drag it out and keep trying to give explanations.

July 12, 2013

Thanks you guys. It sounds like short and direct is the consensus.

I know he is going to ask questions, though, and want to know my reasons. I feel like after the level of emotional intimacy we've established, I shouldn't just refuse to answer... What should I tell him if that happens? "My feelings aren't progressing in the way they should be"?

I think as little elaborating as possible because it will just bring up more questions. I think that is a good response, saying your feelings aren't progressing, and you don't think they ever will. That way, he doesn't cling to hope that one day you might feel differently.

He seems like the type who is going to want to ask a lot of questions and keep talking based on your first post. There could be trouble. You might just have to be brutal and get up and leave it that happens. It's better for him in the long run not to keep entertaining a lot of questions if he asks a lot.

July 12, 2013

Thanks you guys. It sounds like short and direct is the consensus.

I know he is going to ask questions, though, and want to know my reasons. I feel like after the level of emotional intimacy we've established, I shouldn't just refuse to answer... What should I tell him if that happens? "My feelings aren't progressing in the way they should be"?

DONT lie to the guy. He isnt your responsibility, you cant be held responsible for the maintenance of his earlier wounds. His other breakups probably lied to him which makes it worse because now he will be wondering. It will be painful for him regardless, but the pain wont drag out as long when he knows exactly why youre breaking it off. When he knows he cant improve this situation to get those sparks, he might not dwell on it. Keep in mind, you will only have to deal with the guilt until he stops contacting you, after that, you will forget about it. Help him not make the same mistakes for next time.

Dont leave him wondering what he did wrong, THATS more cruel than anything, dont be one of the cowardly people that lie to ease their own guilt. You dont have to create that guilt for yourself, he's a grown man, he will survive. You arent responsible for his self worth, he is, you cant control anything about that, dont even try. He will ask questions, tell exactly why. Besides, its only been a month and a half, he cant be THAT attached.

These reasons are good genuine incompatibilities and are not cruel to tell him straight up.

He didnt create sparks for you,
someone else did (he WILL ask if theres someone else)
too emotionally unstable for you
not supporting your career
thinking youre too ambitious
mismatched communication needs/preferences

If he is a reasonable person he will understand these reasons once he gets over the initial hurt.

July 12, 2013

I notice how no one disagreed with the first paragraph of my post lol.

So this guy is repulsive to you now huh? Man I really feel sorry for this guy. How much bad luck can a person have? He has all this other unfortunate crap that has happened to him and then he meets YOU and starts having deep feelings for you and it seems as though he was also falling in love with you. He probably is thinking right now that his luck has FINALLY started to turn around because he met, in his mind, a wonderful woman like you. But of course little does this poor sap know that his world is about to once again come crashing down and bad luck is about to bite him in the butt again. All because this man is now "repulsive" to you. The best thing you could've done for this man was never talk to him ever again after your first date. Now you have invested over a month with him and he has feelings for you. And you feel that by leaving him now it's doing him a favor because maybe he can go find the right person for him? Do you honestly think this man, in the present state he is in, is going to be able find anyone? Absolutely not. So basically you'll just be leaving this guy all alone with all these other issues going on and basically abandoning him and my guess is that he's going to be alone for a very long time and extremely heartbroken and angry and sad from what you're about to do to him. But hey, at least you will now be able to be with "future husband" guy right? Life's all good for you.

Really? Man, someone must of REALLY screwed you up. Your logic is so broken that is breath taking. You NEVER stay with someone because you feel sorry for them. It's not the OP'S fault that this man has the life issues he has. Its not her responsibility to hang in there with him till he gets back on track.

We all take considerable risks when we date. Rejection is the biggest part of it. We are all grown ups and as long as we don't disrespect someone during the break up, they should be ok with it. It sucks but it's part of the human experience.

July 12, 2013

Women have it so freaking easy don't they? Especially if they are attractive. Because they know that for every guys heart they shatter, that there will be 50 other guys who will be wanting to talk to them.

So go ahead sweetie and break this poor saps heart. The timing is perfect on your part considering this guy is at an extremely low and unlucky time in his life. So why not contribute to that pattern and just break his heart right? You can go be with your old "future husband" and you can just leave this other guy in the gutter and maybe even suicidal. What do you care though right? As long as you get your old man. You may feel guilty for destroying this guy, but don't worry, that guilt will only last 24 hours tops, and then you can just go right to the old guy and never give the other poor unfortunate guy a second thought.

Are you really trying to guilt her into staying in a relationship she doesn't want to be in? C'mon dude.

July 12, 2013

Wow he already has that intense emotions for you after such a short period of time, good job noticing that huge RED FLAG.

July 12, 2013

Just text him saying you don't see a future with him, and ignore all future texts from him.

I wish my ex would have been nice enough to do that with me.

July 12, 2013

He deserves more than just a "text and disappear" act.

July 12, 2013

He deserves more than just a "text and disappear" act.

It is precisely BECAUSE you care about them (but not in a romantic way) that you should just text and disappear.

meeting up with them in person and listing in detail all the things you find unattractive about him will just hurt him and annoy him and make him hate you.

Meeting up with him and lying and giving him stock standard dumper 101 handbook lines like "it's not you, it's me" will just come across as patronising.

And doing so will relieve the dumpers guilt, making it more about them than about the dumpee.

Just send a text which will allow him to hate you and thus move on quicker, because he will be able to tell himself you were a horrible person, which will help him move on quicker.

That is pure kindness, in my book.

July 12, 2013

Just send a text which will allow him to hate you and thus move on quicker, because he will be able to tell himself you were a horrible person, which will help him move on quicker.

I do get where you're coming from, I just don't think this achieves what you're aiming for. Sending him a single short message and then cutting contact, when things seemed to be going ok from his point of view, will leave him thinking over it for months on end, wondering what happened and what he did wrong. He literally won't have a clue - was it something he did? Did she cheat on him? Was he bad in bed? For someone who already has problems with being insecure, this is going to really mess him up.

Making a reasonable effort at giving him an explanation, that he can at least believe is true, will allow him to move on quicker IMO, as he won't then have to worry about why he got dumped, and can focus on the healing part.

July 12, 2013

I do get where you're coming from, I just don't think this achieves what you're aiming for. Sending him a single short message and then cutting contact, when things seemed to be going ok from his point of view, will leave him thinking over it for months on end, wondering what happened and what he did wrong. He literally won't have a clue - was it something he did? Did she cheat on him? Was he bad in bed? For someone who already has problems with being insecure, this is going to really mess him up.

Making a reasonable effort at giving him an explanation, that he can at least believe is true, will allow him to move on quicker IMO, as he won't then have to worry about why he got dumped, and can focus on the healing part.

Don't do it face-to-face though. I have always despised exes who broke up with me face to face, I found it incredibly inappropriate. Why? Petrol is expensive and I consider my time rather valuable as well. Most people do. I would never make a trip to a café or restaurant or wherever in advance, and spend petrol money to do so, if I had known in advance that I was just going to be dropped while doing it. Some dumpers believe it is the "polite" thing to do, but I ask what on earth is "polite" about wasting a guy's valuable time and petrol money to give him the boot?

If you were to do it over the phone at least he would not waste his petrol money. I am 100% serious. the last girl who dumped me face to face, she gave me no indication in advance that anything was wrong and I went out of my way to meet her at a restaurant and spent a lot of petrol money to get there, only to get dumped.

I remember thinking "well, since you were going to dump me anyway, couldn't you have at least done it over the phone so I didn't spend petrol money coming out here?". I am serious.

If you dump someone, it is inappropriate to expect to be able to take a day out of their lives in doing so. Just do it over the phone.

That is part of the reason that when using dating sites, if I message a girl and she is not interested I much prefer her just to ignore my message than to send me a "thanks but no thanks" message. Why? because when she sends me a "thanks but no thanks" message I get an email notification informing me that I got an email on a dating site, and for a few moments I get excited thinking I might get somewhere, only to see it is a message shooting me down.

silence shoots me down a lot more easily and less painfully.

July 12, 2013

There needs to be a conversation, but it doesn't need to be face-to-face necessarily. A six-week relationship doesn't necessitate a face-to-face breakup. Doing the fade is wrong, but it doesn't need to be a drawn out, in-person production either. Short, sweet, to the point.

July 12, 2013

I think people that text or email break up are chicken $hit. At least have the balls to call them and tell them the situation. As I've said before, it doesn't need to be a 10 minute conversation but give enough reasons so the guy doesn't wonder why he got broken up with for the next 3 months.

July 12, 2013

Eh my ex sent me an email saying "Please dont hate me, but I dont feel the same way anymore, Im sorry, please forgive me" etc...like 3 lines of that. I was destroyed as I tried to contact her, but she blocked me on social media and wouldnt take my phone calls.

Initially I was crushed, angry, hurt, etc...looking back now it was probably the right way to go.

You've only been with this guy for a month or so and he is completely hooked. That is a shame.

Got any good looking, clingy friends you can hook him up with?

July 12, 2013

I think people that text or email break up are chicken $hit. At least have the balls to call them and tell them the situation. As I've said before, it doesn't need to be a 10 minute conversation but give enough reasons so the guy doesn't wonder why he got broken up with for the next 3 months.

True, but it's not mandatory to do this. Its low to do it thru a text or email, but the dumper doesnt care.

Its the 20th century...no one has balls anymore.

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I have to break a heart. Kindest way to do it?

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