whereamigoing Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 Hi, I am a longtime reader of this board but first time poster. I was also...the other woman. I am prepared for the beating I will take here and recognize I deserve it. I am not looking for support, I am looking for some insight and opinions on what to do now. The affair ended several years ago. Love existed but I was just done. We have had extremely limited email contact when some major life event happens but no discussion or hint of rekindling the affair. His wife did know about the affair and that, in part, triggered my decision to be done. It was mutual, sad, but the only right thing to be done after so much wrong. Fast forward to a few months ago...almost a year now that I think about it. He started hinting about divorce (the two live in different states, have for years even before the affair, no kids). He's signing the final paperwork sometime in the next month or two. He told me this because she still blames the end of their marriage 100% on me and there was some concern she may come after me in some way. While I do not feel responsibility for the entire destruction of their marriage I know I played a part. That's my load to carry and that's not why I'm here. I'm here to ask if there is anything I can or should do to allow the BS to achieve some peace and closure? Despite what I have done I am still a compassionate person. Should I contact her? Should I let her know I'm available for discussion if it helps her find answers? Should I let her know that if she wants to yell at me on the phone for an hour I will make that happen? Or should I just leave it all alone? I don't want to hurt her more than I have ready. You could say that I'm trying to assuage my own guilt by trying to help her, maybe I am. I don't want by compulsive need to help and my own need to "feel better" to interfere with her healing process...but if I can help I want to do so. So I'm asking you all for your input. If you need more details to form a better answer I will try to answer.
BetrayedH Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 Personally, I'm always in favor of such an offer unless you have a bona fide reason to fear that someone will be harmed. As a former BS, probably the single most maddening thing was never wuite being sure about reality. The wayward does so much lying, denying, minimizing, gaslighting, and trickle-truthing that you just never know what to believe. Even though I am far removed from my scenario, it's still frustrating to know that I will just never really know the truth about some things. If we know the truth, we can eventually try to grapple with it and make peace with it. Call it closure, I suppose. But without the truth, we're left with constantly analyzing the whole damn thing. As an example, if she speaks with you and learns that her H has been completely truthful since Dday, she may find it within her to forgive him. On the other hand, if she finds out he's been lying then she may find some peace with a decision to divorce. If you never speak with her, she may question herself and her decisions indefinitely. Not knowing the truth and trying to make life-altering decisions can drive a person crazy. You begin to question your own ability to even make a sound decision about anything. You have a legit opportunity to help her make informed decisions abouthow to move on with her life. That's a benefit to her and quite frankly, I think it's a benefit to you as well. It's a step in the right direction and something you can be proud of. Bonus. The challenge is that you don't know how it will be received. It's a risk for you. She may be grateful; she might remain furious. She might ask questions; she might never respond. She might lash out and stalk you. It's a risk. But unless you really have a good reason to think someone could get hurt, I think it's a noble risk for you to take that could benefit you both. 3
Author whereamigoing Posted July 11, 2013 Author Posted July 11, 2013 (edited) Thank you, BetrayedH, for your reply. I am not afraid of her doing anything "rash" at this stage. I believe that has passed. By all accounts she is quite intelligent and rational. We know each other but not well. Follow-up to your post. If I contact her and she responds, do I give her full disclosure if she asks for it? Sometimes we think we want to know everything but once we do we wish we hadn't. Should I pad my responses if I feel the true answers will only serve to hurt her more? Or is brutal honesty best? Edited July 11, 2013 by whereamigoing unclear
Ninja'sHusband Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 I was going to say leave her alone..but then BH reminded me that one thing OMM did for me was to give me the truth that my WW wouldn't give. I NEEDED that! Otherwise I would have still been in extreme confusion and living in a situation I didn't choose. It's true that his truth drove me further towards divorce and is not what he meant to do, but I think it was the right thing. He also expressed some remorse and guilt, and that helped me a little as well. I think those two things can be good, but then you should step back. I really wouldn't ever care to see or hear from OMM again. Kinda harsh, but that's a pretty big wound, one that's not worth trying to overcome if it's not someone close to you already.
seren Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 I think that as several years have passed, she would have contacted you before now for details she needed to know. I wonder if he has contacted you to reopen communication with you and is maybe fishing and using telling you that the BS may contact you as a reason for getting in touch, maybe. I would leave well alone and wait to see if she does initiate contact, if she does and asks for details, then you tell her what she wants to know, otherwise, I would let it alone. 1
BetrayedH Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 Thank you, BetrayedH, for your reply. I am not afraid of her doing anything "rash" at this stage. I believe that has passed. By all accounts she is quite intelligent and rational. We know each other but not well. Follow-up to your post. If I contact her and she responds, do I give her full disclosure if she asks for it? Sometimes we think we want to know everything but once we do we wish we hadn't. Should I pad my responses if I feel the true answers will only serve to hurt her more? Or is brutal honesty best? The short answer is yes to offering full disclosure. The best approach is to be clear that it's not your interest to hurt her but that you're prepared to be fully open and honest if that's what she wants. I recommend first contact to be brief with an apology (if you're offering one) and just the offer to answer questions so that she has a chance to decide what level of detail she wants rather than being hit with it right away. Most (almost all) BSs want details but there some exceptions. It's best to let her ask the questions. I also recommend making it clear that you're not doing this to break them up; that you don't intend to pursue her husband. In fact, it's best to request no contact from either of them once you've told her what she needs to know. Others may disagree but after more than two years of delving into these concepts, I have no hesitation making these recommendations as the best path forward. Putting honesty on the table for everyone is rarely the unethical thing to do unless someone's safety is in jeopardy. I wish you luck. Few have the courage to do what you're considering. This is a very healthy step forward for you and for her as well. The other option is walking away which just protects the deception.
drifter777 Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 The best way you can try to give this betrayed wife some peace of mind is to stay away from her. You have done a lot of damage to this woman and no amount of "I'm sorry" and "it wasn't about hurting you" is going to make her feel any better. Leave her alone. 1
2sunny Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 (edited) I vote for leave her alone. You've kept in limited contact with your OM - what if she asks you if you've been in contact? How can you apologize when you didn't stay out of the middle of their marriage. You want to apologize now? The best way you could have apologized would have been by YOUR actions - as in never, ever contacting him again! But you didn't. You continued to distract him and flirt with him. So, yes you admitted you played a part - so just leave her alone! Personally, I think you just want to be sure from her that they are REALLY divorcing. Edited July 12, 2013 by 2sunny 2
Author whereamigoing Posted July 12, 2013 Author Posted July 12, 2013 Thank you everyone for your responses so far. I'm open to hearing more. Some clarification/information not defense. I don't know if she knows we have been in limited contact so I'm not sure how that knowledge would affect her, I would imagine she suspects. There really hasn't been flirting but I can't be so naïve as to think he doesn't think there will be a future for the two us. I'm not pursuing one, I have my own relationship now and he (MM) knows that I am happy. I don't really know what has transpired between the two of them in the intervening years. Our emails are limited to "my dog died" and "I got a new job" and they have been very occasional. Right or wrong it's what happened and how we managed the end of our relationship. We were 100% no contact for long periods but didn't maintain, perhaps we should have. He has known for the last several years that there would be no rekindling of a relationship between the two of us. I do know the divorce is actually happening...we have mutual friends (they do not know about the affair, it's been kept quiet per her request). As far as apology...I would offer it if given the opportunity but it is not the impedance guiding my questions here. In my experience apologies serve the apologist more than the recipient. This is not about an apology. This is about answering her questions, being her punching bag, or just being whatever she needs me to be if it helps her to reach closure/ healing/move on/whatever you want to call it. I wouldn't even consider contacting her except it seems as though she has not been able to heal or move on. Her reaction to the divorce (placing 100% of the blame on me) surprised me as it came years after the affair ended. I had figured in the intervening years they had worked on things and reached some closure and healing. Apparently that is not what happened but my only information on the subject was a rather brief email from him. There may be some self-serving to my desire to help her, so it is more than fair to call me out on it. I don't think that's the primary goal here but it may be a side effect. I'm aware of that factor which is part of why I'm here asking for opinions instead of just plowing along with what I think I would want if I were her. I'm not her so I can't know...so I'm asking you all. I'm still unsure of what to do so for now I maintain a holding pattern. I really appreciate the responses and opinions. Even the ones that sting a bit. It's what I came here looking for...opinions of those who have been a BS and what they would have liked to have happened in their recovery. My own recovery is for me alone and not for this forum.
veryhappy Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 If you've been out of the picture for several years, and you know your limited contact with him was not questionable, I would say there's no point to talk or apologize to her. You'll only get her mad. After years, she would know he carries some blame too. She needs to blame you 100%, and there's nothing you can do about it. If they don't have kids, she won't need to be in your life in case you end up with this guy. Let it go. After several years, it's their divorce and you are not responsible for her closure. After all, she could have contacted you during all these years if she wanted something from you.
jnel921 Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 Have you moved on with your own life? it doesn't sound like it since there is still contact with her H or soon to be XH no matter how limited. I am compelled to believe you only want to confirm their divorce. His W does not need to hear anything else. Especially years later. If you didn't want to be forthcoming then why do it now.The damage is done. Leave her alone.
LimeBlue Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 Several years have passed? No leave her alone. Why dredge up the past? You may well be the one looking silly afterwards, and it will make you feel worse. Just leave it. 1
BetrayedH Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 Well, it appears that I'm a lone wolf on my view but I'm ok with that. Personally, I like where your conscience is taking you.
drifter777 Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 Thank you everyone for your responses so far. I'm open to hearing more. Some clarification/information not defense. I don't know if she knows we have been in limited contact so I'm not sure how that knowledge would affect her, I would imagine she suspects. There really hasn't been flirting but I can't be so naïve as to think he doesn't think there will be a future for the two us. I'm not pursuing one, I have my own relationship now and he (MM) knows that I am happy. I don't really know what has transpired between the two of them in the intervening years. Our emails are limited to "my dog died" and "I got a new job" and they have been very occasional. Right or wrong it's what happened and how we managed the end of our relationship. We were 100% no contact for long periods but didn't maintain, perhaps we should have. He has known for the last several years that there would be no rekindling of a relationship between the two of us. I do know the divorce is actually happening...we have mutual friends (they do not know about the affair, it's been kept quiet per her request). As far as apology...I would offer it if given the opportunity but it is not the impedance guiding my questions here. In my experience apologies serve the apologist more than the recipient. This is not about an apology. This is about answering her questions, being her punching bag, or just being whatever she needs me to be if it helps her to reach closure/ healing/move on/whatever you want to call it. I wouldn't even consider contacting her except it seems as though she has not been able to heal or move on. Her reaction to the divorce (placing 100% of the blame on me) surprised me as it came years after the affair ended. I had figured in the intervening years they had worked on things and reached some closure and healing. Apparently that is not what happened but my only information on the subject was a rather brief email from him. There may be some self-serving to my desire to help her, so it is more than fair to call me out on it. I don't think that's the primary goal here but it may be a side effect. I'm aware of that factor which is part of why I'm here asking for opinions instead of just plowing along with what I think I would want if I were her. I'm not her so I can't know...so I'm asking you all. I'm still unsure of what to do so for now I maintain a holding pattern. I really appreciate the responses and opinions. Even the ones that sting a bit. It's what I came here looking for...opinions of those who have been a BS and what they would have liked to have happened in their recovery. My own recovery is for me alone and not for this forum. This "clarification" is simply more rationalization. If you still have feelings for her husband then take up with him after the divorce, but you don't have to get the BS's permission at this point. Really, just leave her alone. 1
jnel921 Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 Well, it appears that I'm a lone wolf on my view but I'm ok with that. Personally, I like where your conscience is taking you. Sorry BH, she does not have a conscious. She has an inquiring mind. She has kept in contact for years with her MM and now he decides he wants to divorce. Perhaps she wants to know the reason and he won't say. So she thinks that if she reaches out to his wife she will fall for her delayed remorse and divulge some details. Sorry that wont happen. From my experience that is all OW want. Details about the M which os none of their business and confirmation they still have a €o€k to sit on. 1
2sunny Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 It's not your job to relieve her pain. You helped cause it. Staying out of it would have helped through these past few years. But no, you still meddled in the middle of their marriage! And NOW you want to apologize with words that don't match your actions? You still make yourself the liar. IF you intended to be sorry YOU would have left her H alone a long time ago - but you didn't. So, at the very least, do that part now! Leave them both alone to find a way to heal without meddling further!
jnj express Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 Stay completely out of their life, until the D. is final. If/when the D is final and he contacts you---do what you will Stay away from her no matter what---she lives in misery now, and contact with you, will just add to her misery. 1
Author whereamigoing Posted July 13, 2013 Author Posted July 13, 2013 Well I came looking for a little insight and that's what I got. I know some of you are freshly betrayed and early on in the healing process and my presence on this board is not welcome. I appreciate all of the responses. You have no reason to believe what I am saying or to take my words or intent as truth, after all I am an admitted liar. All I can say is I was truthful here and you can choose to take it at face value or not. Your reactions are what are important to me since she is unlikely to believe me either and will react similarly. My intent at contact was to offer answers if they were wanted but I see most of you would have only perceived that as an attack or self-serving. As that is not my intent I will refrain from contact but remain open if she chooses to contact me.
Artie Lang Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 (edited) first off, are you currently in a relationship? is that why you're worried of her "coming after you?" if not, i say you leave it alone..... unless you're thinking of hooking back up with this guy. then, maybe, you're looking for trouble. Edited July 14, 2013 by Artie Lang
Author whereamigoing Posted July 14, 2013 Author Posted July 14, 2013 Yes. I am currently in a relationship. My boyfriend is and always has known about my past as well as what is going on now. The concern was for some physical harm as she was apparently a bit irrational for a while, very atypical for her. I believe that stage has passed. And not looking to "hook up" with anyone else but the boyfriend I already have.
Artie Lang Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 well then, i say you go "crickets" on her. you seem to be in a good place right now. why rehash a dead issue, kwim? move on and don't look back.
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