So....disappointed.

[noelle303]

Over 3 months ago, my daughter met her father, my xMM, for the first time. It was my attempt for the two of them to establish a relationship, so she can have her father in her life.

 

Surprisingly, it went well. Not surprisingly, he didn't end up coming clean to his family about her existence. He didn't man up. When I called him after that first meeting, he didn't even answer or call me back for a week. Then, the coward avoided my questions about coming clean and made up a million excuses. I was furious. Another two weeks later, he was begging me on the phone for ANOTHER chance and I foolishly gave in.

Having not even heard from him for over week now, I'm e-mailing him a nice long never-again letter.

 

I'm so disappointed. So disgusted. In my eyes he had a chance to redeem himself and failed miserably, just as he failed 3 years ago when I got pregnant.

I'm also angry and heartbroken for my little girl. I had thought that meeting her will put it all into perspective for him because she is so perfect that how could it not? Turns out he doesn't think so.

 

I know this thread is pointless but I just needed to vent and I now several people in my last post asked for an update.

[Pierre]

Over 3 months ago, my daughter met her father, my xMM, for the first time. It was my attempt for the two of them to establish a relationship, so she can have her father in her life.

 

Surprisingly, it went well. Not surprisingly, he didn't end up coming clean to his family about her existence. He didn't man up. When I called him after that first meeting, he didn't even answer or call me back for a week. Then, the coward avoided my questions about coming clean and made up a million excuses. I was furious. Another two weeks later, he was begging me on the phone for ANOTHER chance and I foolishly gave in.

Having not even heard from him for over week now, I'm e-mailing him a nice long never-again letter.

 

I'm so disappointed. So disgusted. In my eyes he had a chance to redeem himself and failed miserably, just as he failed 3 years ago when I got pregnant.

I'm also angry and heartbroken for my little girl. I had thought that meeting her will put it all into perspective for him because she is so perfect that how could it not? Turns out he doesn't think so.

 

I know this thread is pointless but I just needed to vent and I now several people in my last post asked for an update.

 

OMG, I am so sorry for you.:(

 

Please call your lawyer and sue this POS. If you hide your dad from your daughter she will resent you as an adult. Bring this to light, do not continue to live in secrecy. Do this and at least your daughter will not recriminate you when she grows up.

 

You are also leaving the door open for this guy to say "he would have", but you made it too difficult. Beat up dads tend to say that..

 

Please come clean.

[noelle303]

OMG, I am so sorry for you.:(

 

Please call your lawyer and sue this POS. If you hide your dad from your daughter she will resent you as an adult. Bring this to light, do not continue to live in secrecy. Do this and at least your daughter will not recriminate you when she grows up.

 

You are also leaving the door open for this guy to say "he would have", but you made it too difficult. Beat up dads tend to say that..

 

Please come clean.

 

 

I feel like exposing the whole thing is just going to make things worse for us. Plus, I can't make him be a father, he needs to want it and he needs to put it above anything else.

 

All this sadness and anger just hit me today when I realized how he still puts himself above anything, even after seeing her. I can't comprehend it at all and it just makes me want to cry. I can't believe I put even the tiniest bit of hope into this.

[LilGirlandOW]

You cant make him become a daddy, but he is her father and you can make him support her needs. You need to do your part and file the appropriate paperwork possibly your child has siblings, your part is to do all you can to have him support his child, he may not visit, send birthday cards, etc.... but he will have to support her BS or not, and you never know BS may be sympathetic as a mother herself, and make him man up!

[Pierre]

I feel like exposing the whole thing is just going to make things worse for us. Plus, I can't make him be a father, he needs to want it and he needs to put it above anything else.

 

All this sadness and anger just hit me today when I realized how he still puts himself above anything, even after seeing her. I can't comprehend it at all and it just makes me want to cry. I can't believe I put even the tiniest bit of hope into this.

 

If you don't go all out your daughter will resent you when she grows up and finds out you kept her a secret.

 

The dad will say he tried, but you were too difficult. This is it works. You need to do things by the book so when your daughter grows up she will know you did the best for her.

 

As of now you are protecting the dad. Not nice.:(

[LilGirlandOW]

Yes to hell with him, your daughter deserves your best attempt to have him involved,

[Pierre]

Yes to hell with him, your daughter deserves your best attempt to have him involved,

 

OK, lets try this. AN interview with your daughter:

 

1. Would you like your mother to tell you who is your dad?

 

 

2. How would you feel if you never meet or know who is your father?

 

3. How do you feel about the fact that your mother never told you about your dad and siblings? Do you know there is a set of grandparents that you will never know or meet?

 

4. How do you feel about the fact that you did not get what every kid deserves from a father----the support that every kid that has a father gets?

 

5. Are you mad because you never thad the opportunity to decide if you wanted contact with your dad? That was taken away from you. How do you feel about that?

 

6. How does it feel to grow up and wander everyday about "Who is my father?".

 

 

I could go on and on. But, it seems to me you are making this decision based on what is convenient to you' the mother. I think if you looked at this with the eyes of a child you would want to know.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

This man threatened her well-being in utero. He's never going to change. It's who HE is. I get that HE sought you out, went to a lot of trouble satisfy his curiosity. He's messed up! Forget him. You'll find a wonderful father for her when the time is right. She's too special to be anyone's secret. Does your dad know they've met?

 

I'm sorry for your disappointment, you're a smart girl, you'll figure it/him out eventually.

[Pierre]

OP

 

Are you hoping this MM will come back to you?

 

Is that why you are covering for MM?

 

Is that why you keep the child a secret? Hope he leaves his wife for you at some point?

[HopingAgain]

Since noone else has offered this perspective, I'll give it. This one is not based on you or MMs feelings, but solely on your child.

 

Let's say you out the MM, either by telling his family and/or filing for child support. In this scenario, if you file for CS, your MM will likely get visitation rights. Now let's say he stays with his wife...there is a HIGH and I do mean a HIGH chance that she will be treated like a second class citizen everytime she enters their home. The resentment and pain of how she came into existence is going to resonate, probably unconsciously, in the actions of MM and his wife towards your baby. They MAY even try to fight you for custody, out of spite. Its likely he will never treat her as well as his other children, and your child will grow up knowing it and wondering why.

 

I know people who this has happened to. It really has affected them deeply. Listen, you do NOT want to force your innocent child on MM and/or his family. Yes, there's a possibility it could turn out welln But are you willing to risk your babys well being on the chance it doesn't? I would leave him alone, not for his sake, but for your childs sake.

[Pierre]

Since noone else has offered this perspective, I'll give it. This one is not based on you or MMs feelings, but solely on your child.

 

Let's say you out the MM, either by telling his family and/or filing for child support. In this scenario, if you file for CS, your MM will likely get visitation rights. Now let's say he stays with his wife...there is a HIGH and I do mean a HIGH chance that she will be treated like a second class citizen everytime she enters their home. The resentment and pain of how she came into existence is going to resonate, probably unconsciously, in the actions of MM and his wife towards your baby. They MAY even try to fight you for custody, out of spite. Its likely he will never treat her as well as his other children, and your child will grow up knowing it and wondering why.

 

I know people who this has happened to. It really has affected them deeply. Listen, you do NOT want to force your innocent child on MM and/or his family. Yes, there's a possibility it could turn out welln But are you willing to risk your babys well being on the chance it doesn't? I would leave him alone, not for his sake, but for your childs sake.

 

I did not think about this angle. Very good post!

 

But, I am fuming at the POS.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I think she has every right to know her biological father and because there is a child involved I'm sorry, but he needs to be completely exposed. Asshat.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I think she has every right to know her biological father and because there is a child involved I'm sorry, but he needs to be completely exposed. Asshat.

 

RIGHT! Bring that man that threatened to cut her out of mommy's womb into her lfe! Noelle, you have an opportunity to SAVE her from this b@stard. Take it! You've got a guardian angel up there giving you an opportunity to see this guy for who he is. You get to have the knowledge upfront to protect her from him.

[seren]

Hi Noelle, I have often wondered how things were for you and your daughter. I left my XH when our son was young, we were married and he had a Daddy place in my son's heart and yet when we split up, he had nothing to do with our son. I tried to get hime to want to see my lovely boy, but he had no interest at all, it hurt, it hurt my boy and it hurt me. I couldn't for the life of me imagine how he could just walk away, but he did. This is something that you cannot control, you cannot make him care enough, or feel as you do about your daughter. The popping in and out of her life would be more destructive and hurtful than no contact at all. My son is 29 now and a wonderful person, despite the rejection by his father.

 

Mine too didn't pay child support, it was hard, but we managed. I pursued him through the courts but he buggered off to the states and that was the last we saw of him, until last year when he popped up wanting to meet our son, they met, our boy said he felt nothing and my XH was no one. This is sad, and I am sure that all of us expect the father or mother to love their child as we do, but, some don't and that is their loss.

 

I would stop expecting him to feel anything or to do anything other than what he wants to, he has shown what sort of person he is when you were pregnant, he will not have changed his basic personality at all. He sounds very selfish. I would ask for child support, but not with visitation as a given, it would be on very strict terms and only if he acknowledged her, even then I would think twice. Paying CS does not give rights to seeing the child, they aren't possessions to be bought.

 

Take care of you and your daughter Noelle, who knows what goes through the mind of a parent who abandons their child, it will never make sense to you. Better to have no contact than to have the, him not turning up and her feeling rejection situation that often occurs.

[MissBee]

Over 3 months ago, my daughter met her father, my xMM, for the first time. It was my attempt for the two of them to establish a relationship, so she can have her father in her life.

 

Surprisingly, it went well. Not surprisingly, he didn't end up coming clean to his family about her existence. He didn't man up. When I called him after that first meeting, he didn't even answer or call me back for a week. Then, the coward avoided my questions about coming clean and made up a million excuses. I was furious. Another two weeks later, he was begging me on the phone for ANOTHER chance and I foolishly gave in.

Having not even heard from him for over week now, I'm e-mailing him a nice long never-again letter.

 

I'm so disappointed. So disgusted. In my eyes he had a chance to redeem himself and failed miserably, just as he failed 3 years ago when I got pregnant.

I'm also angry and heartbroken for my little girl. I had thought that meeting her will put it all into perspective for him because she is so perfect that how could it not? Turns out he doesn't think so.

 

I know this thread is pointless but I just needed to vent and I now several people in my last post asked for an update.

 

Hey noelle,

 

So sorry about that. I can't say I'm surprised at his behavior. At the time, my advice was to not go there with him until AFTER he has already told his family the truth and not before, as I feared that it would be easier for him to not be consistent if he saw her before that. Seems he has satisfied his curiosity and that's that. It's disgusting. However, now that you've given him 2 chances, you have the experience to not be sucked into his nonsense yet again. Your daughter is a baby fortunately, so she doesn't know or care a lick about him and who he is, but of course she will eventually grow up.

 

It would be nice if he'd man up, come clean about her, and integrate her into his life. I wish that for you, but also know that there's a chance it will never happen. The best you can do is not expect this man to magically have a conscience and not allow your hope for him to change to put your daughter and yourself in the middle of a back and forth, secret drama. Don't hope he changes. Don't hope seeing her will provide a change of heart. If he comes sniffing around again make it CLEAR he will never see her until he tells his family and can prove that he has. Until he takes, real, concrete, adult steps to show he is serious about being her dad, don't engage him.

Edited July 12, 2013 by MissBee

[noelle303]

How, specifically will outing him make things worse for "us", and by "us" do you mean you and your daughter, or you, your daughter, and the MM? I hope I'm not reading too much into your post, but I get the vibe that you expect the MM to come clean with his BS, divorce her and set up house with you. Seriously doubt that's going to happen. Is it all or nothing with you? If he stays married, can he not have a relationship with his child? At the very least, paternity needs to be settled, he needs to pay support for his daughter, and some sort of visitation needs to be established. What a mess.

 

By ''us'' I mean me and my child. I do not expect xMM will leave his wife. My condition for him being in my kid's life is that he comes clean with her, and that is simply because I want to AVOID her being his secret. I won't have my daughter raised like that - I want to avoid a mess.

 

 

OP

 

Are you hoping this MM will come back to you?

 

Is that why you are covering for MM?

 

Is that why you keep the child a secret? Hope he leaves his wife for you at some point?

 

 

I'm not covering for him. I will have him in my daughter's life under two conditions - he WANTS to and he wants to do it HONESTLY.

 

No wife-leaving required.

 

Since noone else has offered this perspective, I'll give it. This one is not based on you or MMs feelings, but solely on your child.

 

Let's say you out the MM, either by telling his family and/or filing for child support. In this scenario, if you file for CS, your MM will likely get visitation rights. Now let's say he stays with his wife...there is a HIGH and I do mean a HIGH chance that she will be treated like a second class citizen everytime she enters their home. The resentment and pain of how she came into existence is going to resonate, probably unconsciously, in the actions of MM and his wife towards your baby. They MAY even try to fight you for custody, out of spite. Its likely he will never treat her as well as his other children, and your child will grow up knowing it and wondering why.

 

I know people who this has happened to. It really has affected them deeply. Listen, you do NOT want to force your innocent child on MM and/or his family. Yes, there's a possibility it could turn out welln But are you willing to risk your babys well being on the chance it doesn't? I would leave him alone, not for his sake, but for your childs sake.

 

 

Yes, thank you. I mean, it's not so much that I am concerned with him going for custody as there is no reason for the courts to grant it to him instead of me, but I am concerned with the power he would get if I would now go out and sue him. He could take it out on my daughter out of resentment and spite. I'm not willing to take that chance. Thats why I need him to want it and be ready to own up to it.

 

I need to point out that I will never lie to my daughter, she will be given any information she requests, in an age-appropriate way of course. And if she wants to seek him out willingly she will have my full support in that.

And when she is older she can be the one to decide whether she wants me to seek out the money that is rightfully hers. As of now, I as her mother who is financially responsible for her needs do not need it.

[snowflakes88]

Out him. I recall your previous threads, and the vast majority of people advised you to make him come clean to his wife as a pre-condition to meeting your daughter. That would have prevented this whole situation. Hindsight and all of that. But yeah, I wouldn't let him continue on w/ my child as a dirty little secret.

[Flapaman]

I had a friend that was in very much your situation... the man she was sleeping with was extremely wealthy..she got preggers...she thought he would leave his wife and coming running with love in his heart.. he didnt, so she outed him by putting the birth announcement in the paper, listing him as the PROUD FATHER!!! Needless to say, his wife didnt really care all that much, as rich people have much bigger scandals to deal with.... but his wife eventually did divorce his ass, because he made another kid with another woman ... i believe the housekeeper, about the same time as he did with my friend. My friend ended up suing him for child support, she gets over three grand a month, and got a nice house out of the deal. Eventually she sold the house for something like 450,000, and moved out of state, because she was devistated... she wanted it all... Now the guy sees his kid once a year for a week each summer... the kid hates it.

Edited July 12, 2013 by Flapaman

[whichwayisup]

Over 3 months ago, my daughter met her father, my xMM, for the first time. It was my attempt for the two of them to establish a relationship, so she can have her father in her life.

 

Surprisingly, it went well. Not surprisingly, he didn't end up coming clean to his family about her existence. He didn't man up. When I called him after that first meeting, he didn't even answer or call me back for a week. Then, the coward avoided my questions about coming clean and made up a million excuses. I was furious. Another two weeks later, he was begging me on the phone for ANOTHER chance and I foolishly gave in.

Having not even heard from him for over week now, I'm e-mailing him a nice long never-again letter.

 

I'm so disappointed. So disgusted. In my eyes he had a chance to redeem himself and failed miserably, just as he failed 3 years ago when I got pregnant.

I'm also angry and heartbroken for my little girl. I had thought that meeting her will put it all into perspective for him because she is so perfect that how could it not? Turns out he doesn't think so.

 

I know this thread is pointless but I just needed to vent and I now several people in my last post asked for an update.

 

This man will not tell his wife and other children about his other child.

 

Sorry that you're disappointed (again). Maybe it's time to let your child bond with other male family members, see them as father figures and stop hoping that your exMM will be the father you hope he'd be. He ain't that and he never will be.

[So happy together]

OMG, I am so sorry for you.:(

 

Please call your lawyer and sue this POS. If you hide your dad from your daughter she will resent you as an adult. Bring this to light, do not continue to live in secrecy. Do this and at least your daughter will not recriminate you when she grows up.

 

You are also leaving the door open for this guy to say "he would have", but you made it too difficult. Beat up dads tend to say that..

 

Please come clean.

 

I completely agree with Pierre here. This is absolute bullsh*t. The last thing you want is for him to be able to blame you later. Do everything you can. Get an atty. If you're in the states, they will make him get a paternity test and he'll have to pay child support. Even if they have to garnish it, it will be good because you deserve the help, your daughter deserves that money and he should be responsible. Even if you can take care of your daughter on your own, he should still have to do his part. Put it away for her if you don't feel you need it, but it is such crap that he thinks he can just hem and haw and not do what is necessary.

 

You can't make him love her, you can't make him have a relationship with her, but you can make him be responsible, instead of just you. If you do all you can, you can at least tell your daughter when she is older that you tried as much as you could.

 

Chin up.

[So happy together]

Bolded for truth.

 

I'm so sorry Noelle. I'm sure you're hurting right now.

 

I've said before that she doesn't need him, that you don't need him and I want to say it again.

Fathers.... that don't want to be fathers aren't necessary at all. (the same can be said for Mothers that don't want to be mothers so I'm not bashing any role here)

 

If he's on her birth certificate (I think I remember he's not?) or even if he's not.. at this point I'd have his parental rights terminated.

 

When she's old enough, you can tell her that while she was never a mistake, the relationship with him was not healthy for you or for her and that that is why he was never part of your life. That you only wanted what was best for her and that he was not... NOT... worthy of her love.

 

Trust me, I grew up with an amazing dad that was NOT my biological father. Other than wanting to know my medical history there really was nothing I wanted from the man who supplied half my dna.

 

You're a great mom. Don't compromise that to give her a dad that's going to be toxic. Being a great mom means making hard choices... and you know in YOUR heart that she doesn't need him in hers.

 

 

Most states won't allow you to terminate parental rights unless you have someone else who wants to adopt the child. But, this is only if he is on the birth certificate. If he isn't and that is how OP would like it to stay, that's great, but if he is on the birth certificate, she would have to be (in my state at least) married to someone for at least a year and have them willing to adopt and take financial responsibility for the child.

 

Is it different in other places? I don't know... I've only ever heard this scenario.

[noelle303]

I completely agree with Pierre here. This is absolute bullsh*t. The last thing you want is for him to be able to blame you later. Do everything you can. Get an atty. If you're in the states, they will make him get a paternity test and he'll have to pay child support. Even if they have to garnish it, it will be good because you deserve the help, your daughter deserves that money and he should be responsible. Even if you can take care of your daughter on your own, he should still have to do his part. Put it away for her if you don't feel you need it, but it is such crap that he thinks he can just hem and haw and not do what is necessary.

 

You can't make him love her, you can't make him have a relationship with her, but you can make him be responsible, instead of just you. If you do all you can, you can at least tell your daughter when she is older that you tried as much as you could.

 

Chin up.

 

 

I can still tell her that. I don't need to force a relationship on her that is clearly not wanted by the other party or healthy for my child for that matter.

 

I don't need his money, I need him to care. No law can do that. But I did try my hardest, up until the point where I believe it is more beneficial to just stop and leave the ball in his court. And he can only play when he decides that knowing her is worth every risk.

 

He's texting me at the moment, I'm not even replying. I sent him an e-mail with everything I had to say to him. What a worthless human being he showed himself to be. And I know it's crazy to even say this now, after everything he did and said to me three years ago, but him coming back into picture gave me a tiny belief that he was truly scared back then and he's trying to repair things. Like the title says - total and utter disappointment.

[whichwayisup]

I can still tell her that. I don't need to force a relationship on her that is clearly not wanted by the other party or healthy for my child for that matter.

 

I don't need his money, I need him to care. No law can do that. But I did try my hardest, up until the point where I believe it is more beneficial to just stop and leave the ball in his court. And he can only play when he decides that knowing her is worth every risk.

 

He's texting me at the moment, I'm not even replying. I sent him an e-mail with everything I had to say to him. What a worthless human being he showed himself to be. And I know it's crazy to even say this now, after everything he did and said to me three years ago, but him coming back into picture gave me a tiny belief that he was truly scared back then and he's trying to repair things. Like the title says - total and utter disappointment.

Just because he is her blood father doesn't mean anything. Other than blood that runs in her veins, she is NOT his daughter.

 

Sorry, he doesn't care. If he did, he'd do right by all this and he hasn't. THAT shows you again who he is. Give up and let go of this fantasy of him being your daughters father and in her life (aka also in your life.)

 

It's time to be TOTALLY honest here and ask yourself WHY you won't let go and accept things as they are. You are doing this to yourself so stand up and say ENOUGH already and move on. As I said, rely on other male figures in your life to have a strong male influence on your daughter.

[noelle303]

Just because he is her blood father doesn't mean anything. Other than blood that runs in her veins, she is NOT his daughter.

Sorry, he doesn't care. If he did, he'd do right by all this and he hasn't. THAT shows you again who he is. Give up and let go of this fantasy of him being your daughters father and in her life (aka also in your life.)

 

It's time to be TOTALLY honest here and ask yourself WHY you won't let go and accept things as they are. You are doing this to yourself so stand up and say ENOUGH already and move on. As I said, rely on other male figures in your life to have a strong male influence on your daughter.

 

I know he doesn't. That's what I said. I'm trying to explain why I am not going to take legal action.

 

And I did say that I was actually hopeful when he contacted me about meeting her but I see now that it's going nowhere and I'm giving up trying. So...that would mean - moving on.

 

I don't know what the heck you were expecting from this guy. It is not like he has... or ever has... exuded any sense of integrity or honor. He slept with you in his wife's bed, he demanded that you get an abortion, he threatened to cut the fetus out of your stomach, he willingly wrote off any parental rights, and you think he will come around admit to his wife he fathered a child out of wedlock and be a stand up sport to your daughter? God, why would one even want such a person around their kid? Doesn't he have three kids with his wife? I feel sorry for those poor children having to be around this type of sicko personality. Your daughter is the lucky one!

 

Two sons.