Being 5'9" is killing me in online dating (long post)

[Infinity0]

Haha. If I got much larger I wouldn't fit medium shirts any longer. And to maintain a 31 inch waist at 175 or 180 would probably require sub-7% body fat which just isn't sustainable long term. I'm at between 9.5% and 10% at the moment and my abs are clearly visible. Biceps are a little over 15 inches. They do look large on my frame.

 

Sounds like you prefer the very bulky short guys who take the"if you can't be tall, be very wide to compensate" maxim to heart?

 

lol pretty much.

 

God u like numbers! How do u know how big ur waist is and why are you measuring it? Maybe the problem with you is not your height lol

[JackDrc]

Do I have to say it again?! I think it's the ladies in NYC! Just kidding....I don't know either, really.

 

Model looks? I laugh at you! Money? I laugh again.

 

Do I have to say again that I don't live in nyc? I'd prob do better there. So many jewish girls who want jewish guys so jdate would be great for me. The ratio of single women to men in Manhattan would also work in my favor.

[shexy]

It was way too long to read all that, but I"m 5'7 and would date a guy that's 5'9. So would a lot of others. Maybe it's not really the height that's bothering them?

[JackDrc]

lol pretty much.

 

God u like numbers! How do u know how big ur waist is and why are you measuring it? Maybe the problem with you is not your height lol

 

Well I mostly wear slim fit jeans and I've done it ever since I got into lifting a few years ago. I like to maintain my current build with minimal changes so that all of my clothes will fit perfectly. I do feel, however, that your preferences for body type are not what the majority of women like. My ex always said that she thought the guys who look like bodybuilders looked gross, hah. But I know that a significant minority of women do prefer it. Maybe for the same reason some prefer tall guys, getting that feeling of being well-protected. Everyone is different though, similar to guys feelings of cup sizes. Most guys prefer large breasts, all things equal, but I prefer smaller than D cups because smaller ones generally look more proportional.

[soccerrprp]

Do I have to say again that I don't live in nyc? I'd prob do better there. So many jewish girls who want jewish guys so jdate would be great for me. The ratio of single women to men in Manhattan would also work in my favor.

 

 

I'm seriously joking with the NYC thing.

[JackDrc]

didn't read the pages of responses, but OP: you need to build some confidence and stop focusing on your physical specs. If I met a guy that was as insecure about being average height as your post seems, I might brush you off. Height is a lot less of a big deal than people make it out to be.

 

And I know about being "too" something: I'm a 5'11" female who wears 3 inch heels; When I was dating I was regularly told I was too tall, and certainly too tall for my shoes. Rather than shrinking down and worrying about my height, I embrace it. And eventually I met a guy who didn't see my height as a problem (even though I'm taller than him with my tall shoes).

 

The point is that you can't change much about your stature, and that you see 5'9" as a problem is really just too much... that's average height for a man. Focus less on your stature and more on your dates!

 

I had no problem with my height until I experienced online dating. Seriously, I didn't. I made the thread just to get reassurance that my height is only a problem in the super competitive field (for men) of online dating and not in offline dating, because I had seriously never experienced this rejection from girls before I made my match account. It's very humbling, being rejected for your height. Maybe some girls in the past who I approached offline rejected me for this reason, but none of them ever said it to me.

 

One of my ex's was 5'10. My experience is that it is the short guys with low self confidence who refuse to date taller women. I don't derive my self worth for my height or lack thereof, so I have no problem with it. I'd go as tall as 6'2" but that would get awkward, especially in heels. Like I said, I don't RH. into many girls taller than me, and I've had success with some who are.

 

I am insecure about my online dating failures, not my height. I thought about trying to dosomething about it in order to remedy my lack of success in online dating but now realize that this is simply a problem with the medium and not me.

Edited July 11, 2013 by JackDrc

[Simon Phoenix]

lol pretty much.

 

God u like numbers! How do u know how big ur waist is and why are you measuring it? Maybe the problem with you is not your height lol

 

Yeah, it's definitely not the height. It's probably being too persnickety instead of just relaxing and just going with the flow.

[Simon Phoenix]

Well I mostly wear slim fit jeans and I've done it ever since I got into lifting a few years ago. I like to maintain my current build with minimal changes so that all of my clothes will fit perfectly. I do feel, however, that your preferences for body type are not what the majority of women like. My ex always said that she thought the guys who look like bodybuilders looked gross, hah. But I know that a significant minority of women do prefer it. Maybe for the same reason some prefer tall guys, getting that feeling of being well-protected. Everyone is different though, similar to guys feelings of cup sizes. Most guys prefer large breasts, all things equal, but I prefer smaller than D cups because smaller ones generally look more proportional.

 

Here's a news flash -- different people like different things! Instead of worrying about what you aren't, make the most of what you are. Jesus.

[ChessPieceFace]

5'9" isn't even very short. Just work on things you can work on.

 

I'd just look at it the opposite way. Your 5'9" height is saving you from dating shallow, airheaded women who don't value the right things.

 

I keep wanting to wait to date until I'm "established." But then I realize that I'll have to deal with golddiggers. Can't really win.

[hppr]

um don't date online??

 

r u cute? wide shoulders? or a skinny 5'9?

 

I'm 5'8 and I have always said I like tall guys (6'0 would be minimum) but I am tall myself and I like to wear heels sometimes (I have to look professional at work so I usually wear them) BUT I am 5'8 (and a halfish). I don't get the 5'3 girls that want TALL men? wtf? If I was less that 5'6 I would not mind 5'9 at all.

 

Let's put it this way now:

A 6'2 guy with a nice fit body can have or not have a nice face. As long as he is not missing an ear or an eye or anything and has dark hair I will most likely find him attractive...heck he can even be blonde if he is fit and tall and big (big shoulders) and he will still be date-able.

 

A 5'9 guy HAS to have a handsome face and be super duper fit for me to find him attractive.

 

Not trying to sound superficial or anything....BUT online dating makes people (at least I can speak for women) even more superficial than they would be in real life. Y? because when you have 30 guys a day trying to talk to you OF COURSE u will pay more attention to the tallest the handsomest the cutest and all the -estest.

 

Now being a taller girl like I said I like tall guys. Being new to the online dating thing I only pay attention to the tall guys (online).

IN REAL LIFE I have found myself attracted to shorter guys 5'8 or 5'9 when they are really good looking and have an awesome personality. You can see the personality in person. You can't see it online thru messages.

 

 

So for you I would recommend no more online dating

 

This is exactly how it is.

 

The only plus side I found is that a lot of guys send dumb messages - either HI U R HOTT or they write a novel...rarely will a guy send a funny one-liner or joke message. So if he can do that, and have sexy-hot-dude pics flexing his burly jew arms then he'll get responses. Fudging his height to 5'11 would be another one, wear thick soles on your shoes or boots like Docs buddy and they won't know the difference.

[nescafe1982]

Your 5'9" height is saving you from dating shallow, airheaded women who don't value the right things.

 

This. I think this is the best way to spin it.

 

And I think it absolutely is the medium, as you said OP. When I was on OkC I limited my searches to men who had at least the same level of education as I do. But I recall that there is a "height range" that one can specify, and absolutely women who care so much about this will limit their searches to that 5'10" mark.

 

I also read that the average man on OkC ups his height by 2 inches to increase their visibility on the site. I didn't believe it, until one day I went on a first date who claimed he was 5'9" ("oh good," I thought, "I can get away with some kitten heels and not scare the crap out of him"). When we met, he was clearly 5'6" or maybe 5'7". His height still didn't bother me, nor did he comment on it.

 

I think largely your stature will self-select you away from women who are shallow to begin with... so whatever.

[nescafe1982]

sorry for double-post, but:

 

I have to admit, when I was OLDing, I did occasionally limit the height search to dudes taller than me. I know it's shallow, but I've always dated men shorter than me and I wanted to know what it was like to not be an Amazon. So I guess I was shallow, but such is life.

[hppr]

I also read that the average man on OkC ups his height by 2 inches to increase their visibility on the site.

 

I liked when the 40 year old housewifes were telling me they were 29. Uh yeah sure you are...

[JackDrc]

This is exactly how it is.

 

The only plus side I found is that a lot of guys send dumb messages - either HI U R HOTT or they write a novel...rarely will a guy send a funny one-liner or joke message. So if he can do that, and have sexy-hot-dude pics flexing his burly jew arms then he'll get responses. Fudging his height to 5'11 would be another one, wear thick soles on your shoes or boots like Docs buddy and they won't know the difference.

 

If a girl less than 5'7" has a 5'10" cutoff or higher even, she has every right to prefer or require this obviously. But what this tells me is that she isn't good dating material, and fudging my height would be dumb because I'm looking for something serious. So lying about my height to maybe get into something serious with someone who has a problem with my height is a bad idea.

[JackDrc]

This. I think this is the best way to spin it.

 

And I think it absolutely is the medium, as you said OP. When I was on OkC I limited my searches to men who had at least the same level of education as I do. But I recall that there is a "height range" that one can specify, and absolutely women who care so much about this will limit their searches to that 5'10" mark.

 

I also read that the average man on OkC ups his height by 2 inches to increase their visibility on the site. I didn't believe it, until one day I went on a first date who claimed he was 5'9" ("oh good," I thought, "I can get away with some kitten heels and not scare the crap out of him"). When we met, he was clearly 5'6" or maybe 5'7". His height still didn't bother me, nor did he comment on it.

 

I think largely your stature will self-select you away from women who are shallow to begin with... so whatever.

 

Guys lie about height so frequently online. Generally the shorter we are, the more we fudge it, up to 6'1 or so. Then you're looking at honest heights. This means that a lot of 5'7 and 5'8 guys are claiming to be my height, and so are a few 5'5 and 5'6 guys. I don't think most of these women with height cutoffs would reject me for not meeting it, but they just assume most guys are lying. But I wouldn't want one of these women for whom height is very important to compromise it for me. If you're 5'2 and put 5'10+ on your profile, that tells me they'll be on the lookout for a tall man always. If it wasnt the case they wouldn't have listed a height cutoff.

[FitChick]

Maybe your being a grad student at your age is the turnoff. They think you are too broke to take them out or are a perpetual student who has no adult experience in the real world like most thirty-year olds do.

 

Make sure you have clear head shot and full length photos, preferably doing something fun or interesting.

 

I'm 5'8" and date 5'9" and even dated someone an inch or two shorter. He was successful, handsome and so fit he could pick me up and carry me. I prefer taller and they don't need a handsome face.

[JackDrc]

Maybe your being a grad student at your age is the turnoff. They think you are too broke to take them out or are a perpetual student who has no adult experience in the real world like most thirty-year olds do.

 

Make sure you have clear head shot and full length photos, preferably doing something fun or interesting.

 

I'm 5'8" and date 5'9" and even dated someone an inch or two shorter. He was successful, handsome and so fit he could pick me up and carry me. I prefer taller and they don't need a handsome face.

 

But my grad student status is listed under occupation and they know it going in to the date. So wouldn't they decide before the date if it is a dealbreaker? And it isn't as if I lack real world experience. I worked as an engineer for 7 years after college and spent a year in Thailand teaching English.

 

Not only is my head shot clear, but I used an online site where they find a photographer near you and you get professional head and body shots done at a reasonable price. I've got my pro head shot as my main picture, and the professional body shot is on there along with 3 other pictures, including a shirtless pic of me hanging with some friends at the beach. One of the other pictures is a picture of me with Dwyane Wade which I got when I ran into him last year at an eatery. maybe the fact that he towers over me by 7 inches is hurting me? The pro pics are a year old and the other 3 are between 3 and 6 months old.

 

I certainly don't want a girl who can't deal with my financial situation. I can easily afford to take them out 1-2 times a week but no it won't be at restaurants with a Michelin star. If they can't appreciate that I gave up a career in order to pursue what I'm passionate about and that I'm almost there, then I don't think they're right for me. I honestly feel that the vast majority of girls wouldn't hold this against me, however.

Edited July 12, 2013 by JackDrc

[WP4046]

OP if you makes you feel any better I'm 6'4 and was told by this girl who was 5'1 that I was too tall.

 

So sometimes you get rejected if you are tall too

[JackDrc]

OP if you makes you feel any better I'm 6'4 and was told by this girl who was 5'1 that I was too tall.

 

So sometimes you get rejected if you are tall too

 

I wouldn't like to be 6'4" either just for logistical reasons (finding clothing, sitting in cars and on planes) but it is rare that will hurt you with women. It's only at 6'7 or above where it may start to hurt you a bit. I think the fact that it helps you with women outweighs the functional disadvantages of your height. 5'1 girls have said I'm too short so I guess they want 6'0-6'3 guys.

[sydneysider1978]

Hey jackdcr,

I'm sorry you've having a bad time. I really feel like you'd have more luck in real life, you seem like a smart guy with a lot to offer.

 

The trouble is, the girls you are targeting, your age, slim, educated, fairly cute have the absolute pick online. They'll be getting 20, 50, 100s of messages a day. When scanning their messages, they won't be considering everyone fairly. They've got so much choice that they are looking to rule guys out. And yes, this means some pretty brutal criteria. Not a grad, out. Not a professional, out. Not over 5'10, out. *shrug* I dunno you can't change the system.

 

Another few things.. I used to next guys who used professional photographs and shirtless pics. It just looks vain. I'd rather a few happy snaps taken by friends.

 

You're looking for a point of difference. I'd mention med school rather than grad school. Yeah, I guess you might have to weed out a few gold diggers, but it suggests some very attractive personal qualities... More than grad school does.

[amaysngrace]

I think 5'9 is tall.

[USMCHokie]

I'm 5'8" and date 5'9" and even dated someone an inch or two shorter. He was successful, handsome and so fit he could pick me up and carry me. I prefer taller and they don't need a handsome face.

 

Sorry FitChick to single you out, but I think OP can learn something from this.

 

In order for your height to be less of an issue, you have to develop other qualities and traits to compensate for not being tall. Notice in the above quote that while she prefers taller, she dated a shorter guy with the caveat that he was successful, handsome, and fit. Women will settle for your height as long as you bring superior other qualities to the table. You can't be short and unremarkable.

[MrCastle]

Sorry FitChick to single you out, but I think OP can learn something from this.

 

In order for your height to be less of an issue, you have to develop other qualities and traits to compensate for not being tall. Notice in the above quote that while she prefers taller, she dated a shorter guy with the caveat that he was successful, handsome, and fit. Women will settle for your height as long as you bring superior other qualities to the table. You can't be short and unremarkable.

 

Being tall and unremarkable won't get you anywhere either (with a good woman)

[SJC2008]

I have yet to meet a short man IRL who has struggled with women. I'm not saying they were players or could get any women they wanted to but every short person I've met was either in a relationship or had had a gf before. One guy I know is 5'3" and has a pretty gf, another I know is 5'4" and had a gf and another guy I used to work with is 5'5" and didn't seem to have a problem meeting chicks.

 

OLD will push your standards to their breaking point. I got to the point where I was dating women I wouldn't give the time of day to IRL! Mind you IRL it's the other way around in that a woman who I KNOW I could pull wouldn't give me the time of day online. Most OLD sites have at least a 2/1 men to woman ratio and that famous quote comes to mind again: "Power corrupts and absoloute power corrupts absoloutely". I think the quote has been "tweeked" for current times as the original is "Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men." John Emerich Edward Dalberg.

[SJC2008]

Just stop using OLD. I'm to the point where I feel like I'd have better luck cold approaching a 10 IRL than messaging a 5 online. Seriously, it's not good for the male psyche.