Huh???

[Spoton]

Hi all, Long time browser, first post. I trust the wisdom of so many of you and this has me stumped.

 

What does it mean when XMM contacts you a couple of years after the affair has ended to tell you that he thinks of you all the time, will love you forever, but is committed to his family, whom he also loves? Is this some kind of closure for him or me or is he trying to get his foot in the door again?

 

I ended the affair and wont lie, I still love him, but am not pining over him and have no intention of resuming the affair; I am happy with my life the way it is.

[MissBee]

Hi all, Long time browser, first post. I trust the wisdom of so many of you and this has me stumped.

 

What does it mean when XMM contacts you a couple of years after the affair has ended to tell you that he thinks of you all the time, will love you forever, but is committed to his family, whom he also loves? Is this some kind of closure for him or me or is he trying to get his foot in the door again?

 

I ended the affair and wont lie, I still love him, but am not pining over him and have no intention of resuming the affair; I am happy with my life the way it is.

 

It means he's hoping to restart the affair by telling you he loves you but he will never leave his family.

 

I wouldn't put any stock into it and it's nothing cryptic or deep....keep on keeping on I say.

[LimeBlue]

I think he is messing with your head. Still committed to his family, yet loves you? Yeah right.

[SunshineToday]

Also you could let his wife know he is texting you or better yet tell him since he is married--everything he sends you will be forwarded to his wife.

 

I bet he won't contact you again. And me--I would tell his wife anyhow.

[SammySammy]

If I had said that, it would mean:

 

1. I think of you all the time.

2. I'll love you forever.

3. I'm staying with my family.

4. Who I also love.

 

Men are very simple creatures. If we're not lying, we say what we mean. It's not necessary to figure out what it means or try to read things into it.

 

Personally, I still love my ex. I think about her every day. Yet, I have no desire to be with her.

 

I would never tell her that, but it's the truth about how I feel. If I did tell her, it would mean exactly what I said.

[veryhappy]

Are you supposed to be tingled with joy hearing something like that?

 

You can simply ask "Why are you telling me this?" It could be that he was missing you and wanted to express his eternal love, or that he's looking to resume the affair. If you ask why, you can figure it out.

[Spoton]

It means he's hoping to restart the affair by telling you he loves you but he will never leave his family.

 

I wouldn't put any stock into it and it's nothing cryptic or deep....keep on keeping on I say.

 

Thanks, Bee. I've always appreciated your common sense approach. I let him know that I feel the same way he does about commitment. He's not a stupid man, so I'm sure he made the connection.

[Spoton]

If I had said that, it would mean:

 

1. I think of you all the time.

2. I'll love you forever.

3. I'm staying with my family.

4. Who I also love.

 

Men are very simple creatures. If we're not lying, we say what we mean. It's not necessary to figure out what it means or try to read things into it.

 

Personally, I still love my ex. I think about her every day. Yet, I have no desire to be with her.

 

I would never tell her that, but it's the truth about how I feel. If I did tell her, it would mean exactly what I said.

 

Good to hear a man's point of view, McKnight. I agree with what you said, and I believe it is the truth, but I do not understand his need to tell me.

[Spoton]

Are you supposed to be tingled with joy hearing something like that?

 

You can simply ask "Why are you telling me this?" It could be that he was missing you and wanted to express his eternal love, or that he's looking to resume the affair. If you ask why, you can figure it out.

 

Thanks, dragon, wish I had thought to ask why. Too late now, I already responded and am not going to reopen the conversation. If there is a next time, I'll do just that.

[BetrayedH]

Cheaters can never quite have enough of an ego boost. If you reply that you love him, too, then he gets his boost. If you resume the affair, even better.

 

But he's not willing to DO anything to get the ego boost; he wants it for free.

[Spoton]

Cheaters can never quite have enough of an ego boost. If you reply that you love him, too, then he gets his boost. If you resume the affair, even better.

 

But he's not willing to DO anything to get the ego boost; he wants it for free.

 

You are right,BH, he does nothing and he does have quite an ego. For future reference, what would be the best response? Or would no response be better?

[BetrayedH]

You are right,BH, he does nothing and he does have quite an ego. For future reference, what would be the best response? Or would no response be better?

 

Personally, I think no response does the most to deter him from future contact. There's no rush for him whatsoever. If you want to continue moving on, I think that "no contact" is pretty well established as being the best way to do that. The third benefit is that it's the most respectful thing to do by his wife. But if I remember right, you've had some contact (major life events, I think you said?) so I'm not sure how dead-set you are about ridding yourself of him entirely or how much his wife plays a factor in your decisions.

[Spoton]

Personally, I think no response does the most to deter him from future contact. There's no rush for him whatsoever. If you want to continue moving on, I think that "no contact" is pretty well established as being the best way to do that. The third benefit is that it's the most respectful thing to do by his wife. But if I remember right, you've had some contact (major life events, I think you said?) so I'm not sure how dead-set you are about ridding yourself of him entirely or how much his wife plays a factor in your decisions.

 

After a long term, long distance affair with this MM from my past, I abruptly cut off contact without explanation. I was emotionally fried from the experience and just wanted it to end, so I ignored his emails for a couple of years (there were only a few). He got the message and left me alone until a few months ago when he contacted me basically telling me he missed me. I briefly responded but did not encourage further contact. Then I decided to tell him why I disappeared, explaining the emotional damage the affair caused me. It felt good to let that out. And he said he understood.

 

I thought that would be the end of it. Now this. I'm not dead set against contact per se, I just dont see the point of it. I don't really want to know what's going on in his life. But it doesn't feel right not to respond. I am however, dead set against resuming the affair. As far as his wife is concerned, I don't want to hurt her, but she really isn't a factor in my decisions.

[BetrayedH]

You've made your point to him. He's just fishing. Your choice if you want to nibble, bite, or swim away.

[Pierre]

I think OP knew the meaning of the contact, but she asked anyway.

 

OP:

 

This is another take:

 

MM is madly in love with you. He thinks about you every second of the day non stop. He would give anything to end his marriage, but his wife will take his children away. Otherwise, you are the love of his life. He will never forget you. His wi wife is nothing compared to you, but he has to stay. Sex with the wife is a terrible chore that he is forced to do.

 

Yes, there is a chance the above may be true.

[Spoton]

I think OP knew the meaning of the contact, but she asked anyway.

 

OP:

 

This is another take:

 

MM is madly in love with you. He thinks about you every second of the day non stop. He would give anything to end his marriage, but his wife will take his children away. Otherwise, you are the love of his life. He will never forget you. His wi wife is nothing compared to you, but he has to stay. Sex with the wife is a terrible chore that he is forced to do.

 

Yes, there is a chance the above may be true.

 

Pierre,

 

That's funny and maybe true. But I honestly don't know if it was a goodbye thing or a "hello again" thing. Maybe I'm naive but I like to think the best about people, particularly someone I knew very well when we were younger. What you describe is not something his younger version would have done and I find it hard to believe people change that much from the core. But, I could be wrong.

[Pierre]

But I honestly don't know if it was a goodbye thing or a "hello again" thing.

 

OK, most likely MM is dying to have sex with you. That is a very very likely possibility.

 

How does that make you feel?

[Spoton]

OK, most likely MM is dying to have sex with you. That is a very very likely possibility.

 

How does that make you feel?

 

Not at all an inviting proposition. I would not think very highly of him if that is his motive. And less of myself if I went along with it - no possibility of that happening.

[Pierre]

Not at all an inviting proposition. I would not think very highly of him if that is his motive. And less of myself if I went along with it - no possibility of that happening.

 

OK, but things are never black and white.

 

I believe MM still loves you as his OW.

 

Would that change anything?

[Spoton]

OK, but things are never black and white.

 

I believe MM still loves you as his OW.

 

Would that change anything?

 

The only thing it changes is my doubts about his sincerity while we were together that surfaced when I ended it. I am monogamous and need the same in a partner so OW doesn't work for me. By the way, although we did get physical, we never actually made love- I couldn't.

[Pierre]

The only thing it changes is my doubts about his sincerity while we were together that surfaced when I ended it. I am monogamous and need the same in a partner so OW doesn't work for me. By the way, although we did get physical, we never actually made love- I couldn't.

 

Congratulations.

 

I am like you. I cannot have sex with a married woman. It does not work for me and would feel extremely awkward.

 

So why not? What stopped you? Could you smell trouble?

[Spoton]

Congratulations.

 

I am like you. I cannot have sex with a married woman. It does not work for me and would feel extremely awkward.

 

So why not? What stopped you? Could you smell trouble?

 

Not exactly trouble BUT we had a relationship before so I know how he behaves when he's in love and I noticed almost all of those things on the second go-round. But, I never felt like I was his number 1 priority. He never mentioned leaving his wife and I never asked him to do so; I believe that something like that happens naturally if both parties feel the same way. The fact that the conversation never took place told me he didn't feel the same way I did, so I could not get to a place where having sex was comfortable for me.

 

It's funny, but I'm gaining more clarity as I write about this and remember how it was. Thanks for helping me do that, Pierre.

[Sooverhim]

Hi Spoton! I sympathise, I have been in your situation, my XMM came fishing for me twice after I ended it, once 6 months after and once over a year after. Like your XMM he was saying all the same old same old that he always said, he loves his W but is not in love with her, loves me more than he has ever loved another, still thinks about me constantly. Wishes we could have met at another time, we are so perfect for each other, blah blah blah blah blah. It really messes with your mind when this happens to you. You have worked so hard to get over XMM and then he appears out of nowhere and reopens old wounds. Why would he do such a thing? Does he really love me so much? What does it all mean? And you try and make sense out of it .... well there is no sense to be made out of it, it's all a load of nonsense!

 

After much analysing Spoton I came to the following conclusions about why XMM contacted me again:-

 

1. He wanted to resume the A, he wanted to have sex with me again, on his terms, when it suited him, because he enjoyed having that excitement in his life and he misses it. He wanted to have his bit on the side again. He wanted a warm place to park his penis, and seeing as though I obliged before, he was hoping I would oblige again.

 

2. W is still his number 1 priority. She is the one he really loves, he doesn't want to leave her, he won't ever leave her, not now not ever. All that XMM wanted was to resume where we left off, all he was offering was what we had before, which was so destructive and painful for me.

 

3. He wanted some ego stroking. He wanted to hear me say that I still loved him too and missed him too. He wanted to hear about how fabulous he is, so sexy, so lovely, so adorable, and how much I wanted him. It didn't happen, I told him I was over him and I would never have any form of relationship with him again.

 

4. He was not telling me that he had made a mistake staying with his W, he was not saying that he regretted not being with me, he was not saying that he couldn't live without me and asking me to run off into the sunset with him and live happily ever after. There was nothing new, no change, it was all just more of the same old B%*!s*^T that he was always feeding me.

 

I hope you are not too unsettled by XMM's contact Spoton.

 

Best wishes x

Edited July 12, 2013 by Sooverhim

[Pierre]

Not exactly trouble BUT we had a relationship before so I know how he behaves when he's in love and I noticed almost all of those things on the second go-round. But, I never felt like I was his number 1 priority. He never mentioned leaving his wife and I never asked him to do so; I believe that something like that happens naturally if both parties feel the same way. The fact that the conversation never took place told me he didn't feel the same way I did, so I could not get to a place where having sex was comfortable for me.

 

It's funny, but I'm gaining more clarity as I write about this and remember how it was. Thanks for helping me do that, Pierre.

 

Here is my take:

 

From my extensive reading of the forum it is quite apparent that many want to know if they are or were loved in the affair.

 

And I say yes, most affairs include romantic love. However, the love develops within the sphere of the affair. Outside of the affair sphere the love does not function very well. This is from the perspective of the married person.

 

The single OW or OM has no sphere or bubble since this is their main relationship. For the married person there are two spheres, the marriage and the affair. The married person needs to live in compartments to love within the affair sphere.