Garee123 Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 To preface this, I have been dating this girl for almost 3 months now. I admit we did start out fast. We hang out all the time and she sleeps over quite a bit. Now on to my problem. I have caught her in a few white lies. Nothing really major. But the other night she said she wanted to go out with one of her friends to a local bar in the neighborhood which we both live. I stayed home and watched some Netflix. We were texting back and forth for a bit while she was there. Around 11:45 she texted me and said that she was getting tired, a little tipsy and was planning on leaving soon. I told her to let me know when she was leaving/got home so that I knew she was ok. I ended up falling asleep, waking back up at around 1:15 and checked my phone. I hadn't received anything from her. So I texted her asking if she was ok. She responded back "got dropped off at home. I'm passing out. Sorry I am drunk and forgot to text you. Goodnight." I thought this was kind of weird. I tried calling her a couple times but she did not answer. I get another text around 4am saying that she fell asleep. **deep breath** So, initially after the weird text around 1:15, I got to be a little suspicious. I got in my car to go check this out on my own. I went by the bar and her car was not there. This is now starting to concern me greatly. I just sat there thinking what in the hell is going on? I went back home and went to bed. I had to get back up early in the morning, so I again started to check to see what was really going on. I drove by this friend of hers apartment complex, a person of which I do not like because they are avid drug users and always trying to bum money from her. She knows I do not like these people. Her car was at the complex where he lives. Now I am really concerned. I decided to go into work a little later because I had some errands to run. I called her and asked her if I could stop by. She didn't really want me to but gave in. I stopped by to see her around 10am. We chatted for a little bit. She was telling me about how her friend dropped her off at home and she left her car at the bar, then her mom took her earlier in the morning to get it. She has a garage so I could not verify this. After a little while she told me that she needed to shower and get ready for work at 1. So, I left and drove by the guys apartment again and her car was STILL there. Ok, now what the hell? I was frustrated and went to work. I worked a few hours and took a lunch around 1:30. I came home because I live close and I drove by once again at the guys apartment complex. I saw that her car was still there. I texted her asking how work was going. She said it was good and only worked a couple hours. She's lying to me again! At this point I was just saying WOW! WOW! I was at a loss for words. I need some advice on this one. I don't know if this is some sort of a defense mechanism on her part because I can be overly concerned about her whereabouts sometimes or is there really something going on here? I look forward to your responses. Thank you!
TigerCub Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 The fact that she can look you in the face and lie to you is concerning. I think you should call her out on it. You can't build a relationship without trust. Definitely call her out on her bull**it. Don't back down if she gets all defensive and tries to turn it back on you. It shouldn't be acceptable.
Author Garee123 Posted July 11, 2013 Author Posted July 11, 2013 Thank you for the prompt response. I want to call her out, but how should I do it? Just lay it out how it is? She's going to ask how I knew and me driving by the guys complex sounds like I am a stalker or something. But, then again, she's the one lying.
jphcbpa Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 Why would you want to be with someone you cannot trust and feel like you need to do "drive bys" to verify?
Author Garee123 Posted July 11, 2013 Author Posted July 11, 2013 Like I had said before, maybe it is her acting out or some sort of mechanism against me. These people are apparently good friends of hers and me saying that I don't like them may trigger her not wanting to tell me because she wants to avoid conflict. I don't know. Now it sounds like I am making excuses for her. My head is spinning.
TigerCub Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 Thank you for the prompt response. I want to call her out, but how should I do it? Just lay it out how it is? She's going to ask how I knew and me driving by the guys complex sounds like I am a stalker or something. But, then again, she's the one lying. That's exactly what I had in mind when I said don't let her turn things around on you. I'd just call them out - I'd say. This morning you told me that your mom picked up your car but I saw it in front of so&so's building. So why did you feel the need to lie and are you really that comfortable with lying that you can look me in the face and lie to me? And then she'll say something like how did you see it in front of the building? Did you go to check up on me? blah blah And tell her straight up, her texts/call didn't sound right and you followed your instincts and you're not going to apologize for that because it actually proved that she's a liar. See what she has to say, but if she keeps acting all indignant and making it seem like something is wrong with you - dump her right there on the spot. Honestly, I wouldn't waste more time on her. What's the point of being with someone you can't trust?
TigerCub Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 Like I had said before, maybe it is her acting out or some sort of mechanism against me. These people are apparently good friends of hers and me saying that I don't like them may trigger her not wanting to tell me because she wants to avoid conflict. I don't know. Now it sounds like I am making excuses for her. My head is spinning. I get what you're saying, I do. But if she's willing to lie just because it avoids awkwardness and conflict, you have to think about sometime down the line - what if she isn't getting enough attention from you and doesn't tell you because that causes discussions and possible conflict and so she then opts to cheat on you instead (because it's much easier than having to be a grown up).. Ya know what I mean.
Author Garee123 Posted July 11, 2013 Author Posted July 11, 2013 I get what you're saying, I do. But if she's willing to lie just because it avoids awkwardness and conflict, you have to think about sometime down the line - what if she isn't getting enough attention from you and doesn't tell you because that causes discussions and possible conflict and so she then opts to cheat on you instead (because it's much easier than having to be a grown up).. Ya know what I mean. I know what you mean, Tiger. And thank you for the advice. I just don't want to "jump the gun" and go straight to the worst possible scenario. This could be and most likely is harmless. By harmless I mean she just wants to have time with her friends. We had a talk earlier that day and she told me she felt smothered and wanted to be with her friends more. I can see that. We do hang out A LOT! I just need to decide if this situation is something to keep in my pocket or if I should let it all out. All in all, i really think she hasn't been cheating on me, just keeping things out of my sight because she knows I don't approve of those friends of hers. But, the lying is well, lying.
Author Garee123 Posted July 11, 2013 Author Posted July 11, 2013 I also failed to mention our age gap: she is 26 and I am 35. If that helps.
Author Garee123 Posted July 11, 2013 Author Posted July 11, 2013 Well I don't get it. You saw her at her house so she's not at HIS place, but she didn't have her car with her. Maybe her 'ride home' was the drug guy who dropped her off then had to take her car to his place afterwards? Are you saying she really didn't go to work as she still didn't have her car, so she lied about going in to work as well? Even though she's being deceitful and sneaky, it just sounds like she got the guy to give her a ride home and hadn't yet figured out a way to get her car back to her place when you saw her in the morning. The lie just kepkt getting bigger as the day progressed and she still doesn't have the car but had to make you think she did have it. It's stupid crap and it just sounds as though she doesn't want to admit that the drug guy was at the bar the night before (whether it was intentional or just a coincidence remains unseen) and she just didn't want to admit she was hanging with him and his drug friends. If that is indeed the case, then she lied because you've told her you don't want her hanging with these people, not because she was cheating on you. Unfortunately, even though her intentions may not have been to cheat on you, she still felt she had to lie due to you saying you don't want her hanging out with them. In all fairness, if you want to avoid being lied to in the future, don't tell someone you've been dating for 3 months who they should be friends with. Quite honestly, that's not your place to decide who she can be friends with, regardless of whether you're right or not. That's HER decision as an adult. It doesn't excuse the lies, but I think I can see why she did it. I agree with you, Stiletto. That makes perfect sense to me. And to clarify. All three of us, including the drug guy, live within a 1/4 mile of each other. His complex is actually right across the road from her place. She either left her car there and walked home or got a ride from someone else. He does not have a car so it couldn't have been him. I think I am going to bite the bullet on this one, give her some space and refrain from mentioning these friends of hers. We will see how it goes. I comforted her by telling her that she can confide in me and I want her to feel like she can tell me anything. I really want her to tell me the truth. Any advice on getting her more comfortable with me and stopping this from happening in the future? Thank you so much for your help. I am glad I came here. You guys/gals have been wonderful.
Jaina19 Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 These people are apparently good friends of hers and me saying that I don't like them may trigger her not wanting to tell me because she wants to avoid conflict. Has she ever lied to you before? This may be the reason. When I was younger and with my first bf, I had a good friend he hated me seeing and got really upset over it. I used to lie all the time about seeing my friend that I didn't want to stop seeing, just felt like there wasn't an alternative to lying and didn't want to deal with my bf being in a mood. OP, not trying to be harsh, but when I read your post to be honest all I read was insecurity and paranoia on your part. Yes, she lied but you driving by and looking for her car is a big sign you don't trust her even before you found out she was lying. If her text worried you why call past 1am, why not wait until the next morning at least? Her lying is bad, but you sound paranoid as well and sometimes we hide things from people who would overreact as you did because we want to spare their feelings or don't want to deal with an overreaction, if you see what I mean? Do you worry or check up on her often? Nothing good ever happens in a relationship without trust. Lying to your partner is not good of course, and you should talk to her about it as soon as you can. You'd have to trust her completely for your relationship to last, and if you feel you can't do that it might be better not to continue. Best of luck
TigerCub Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 I know what you mean, Tiger. And thank you for the advice. I just don't want to "jump the gun" and go straight to the worst possible scenario. This could be and most likely is harmless. By harmless I mean she just wants to have time with her friends. We had a talk earlier that day and she told me she felt smothered and wanted to be with her friends more. I can see that. We do hang out A LOT! I just need to decide if this situation is something to keep in my pocket or if I should let it all out. All in all, i really think she hasn't been cheating on me, just keeping things out of my sight because she knows I don't approve of those friends of hers. But, the lying is well, lying. I never suggested that she's cheating on you now. I'm saying that if she's the type that lies to avoid conflict, then she could very well lie about bigger things later in the future.
Author Garee123 Posted July 11, 2013 Author Posted July 11, 2013 I never suggested that she's cheating on you now. I'm saying that if she's the type that lies to avoid conflict, then she could very well lie about bigger things later in the future. I know. Bad choice of words on my part. I just meant that I don't want to go to war with her when it is something I may have triggered her to do. I am just going to bite my lip, back off and see how it goes.
clia Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 In my opinion, if you are already doing drive bys at 1 a.m. to make sure she is where she says she is, your relationship is doomed. Maybe you should find a relationship with a girl you trust? 2
Phantom888 Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 You don't trust her already, and it's been only 3 months. You know she lies. It's gonna drive you nuts. How much longer can you keep checking up on her?
soccerrprp Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 There is NO TRUST, LYING, that's what I get from your story. This relationship is all but over or headed for a rocky resumption w/ pending termination.
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