hippetyhop Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 It’s been a long 10 month affair with MM. We started by chatting, turned into an EA then PA. After 3 months of chatting, he admitted he loved me, but we both agreed it wouldn’t change anything (his kids, marriage, etc). We all know that can be lie. Our feelings grew, and I want out, but I am unsure of how to end it with him. I think it’ll be a bomb shell on him when I do. I don’t think he is expecting it. He thinks I am happy. I am miserable. I am on the fence as to how I want to do it. He leaves for vacation soon; and I’m not doing it prior to be malicious, but so NC can be easier on me (he can’t contact me on vacation). We are Facebook friends as well- so I need to block him to move on. It is either email or over the phone. Email I can spill more of my feelings while over the phone is short, sweet and to the point. We have a hard time seeing each other-so face to face really isn’t going to work. Any tips?
So happy together Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 Hi Hippety. You know, I don't think it matters so much how you do it, but that you DO it. If you are miserable, there is just no reason for you to stay in the relationship. It's terrible to be in pain all the time and it is not necessary. It's amazing how we stay in relationships that make us unhappy... I think we keep hoping they'll get better and when they don't we've just wasted so much time! For me, it would be email because he couldn't respond or talk me out of it, but if you want it to be more personal, then the phone call is fine. Chin up. I hope you feel better.. xx 1
Goodbye Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 It’s been a long 10 month affair with MM. We started by chatting, turned into an EA then PA. After 3 months of chatting, he admitted he loved me, but we both agreed it wouldn’t change anything (his kids, marriage, etc). We all know that can be lie. Our feelings grew, and I want out, but I am unsure of how to end it with him. I think it’ll be a bomb shell on him when I do. I don’t think he is expecting it. He thinks I am happy. I am miserable. I am on the fence as to how I want to do it. He leaves for vacation soon; and I’m not doing it prior to be malicious, but so NC can be easier on me (he can’t contact me on vacation). We are Facebook friends as well- so I need to block him to move on. It is either email or over the phone. Email I can spill more of my feelings while over the phone is short, sweet and to the point. We have a hard time seeing each other-so face to face really isn’t going to work. Any tips? I'm not sure what you are afraid of. Are you married as well? Worried he will retaliate in some way? I doubt he is completely oblivious to the fact that an affair isn't emotionally ideal for those involved. I think you should just tell him, as you suggested, in a short, to the point way and then go NC. That is really all you owe him and the NC will make it clear that it is over, so you can both move forward in your lives. 3
MMY Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 Being a WS, my ExAP went NC out of the Blue after 18 months. It left me very confused as to why. I knew some of the stuff she was going through but we had become best friends and I thought we could at least help each other as we had been when we first started seeing each other. FYI, this also happened after DDay. She kept seeing and talking to me right up until the date we first were together. I say all of this to let you know that NC is the best way to go but I feel an email to him explaining your feelings, telling him this is over and way would go a long way in moving on without him wondering and trying to reach back out as I did. Once I did get in touch with ExAP via txt. BTY she never blocked me from anything, I put our friendship first and have honored her NC ever since. The NC was very hard at first but it has done wonders for me and my w to focus on us. Just my 2 cents. I wish you the best
Author hippetyhop Posted July 11, 2013 Author Posted July 11, 2013 (edited) I'm not sure what you are afraid of. Are you married as well? Worried he will retaliate in some way? I doubt he is completely oblivious to the fact that an affair isn't emotionally ideal for those involved. I think you should just tell him, as you suggested, in a short, to the point way and then go NC. That is really all you owe him and the NC will make it clear that it is over, so you can both move forward in your lives. I'm not married, and I don't have kids either. He wouldn't be one to retaliate in any way. I think I'm afraid of being alone, or, not finding someone like him. I'm just unsure what to tell him. Parts of me just want to say "I can't do this anymore. You need to focus on your family and not me." But I just don't know. Edited July 11, 2013 by hippetyhop
Author hippetyhop Posted July 11, 2013 Author Posted July 11, 2013 Good ol' technology-I can't even combine messages. Here is my "edited" version: Thanks for the kind responses MMY- that is how I feel- we became very close friends through this. He calls me before/after work; chit chat on weekends and nights. He knows he can vent to me anytime. On the otherhand- his wife is very suspicious. She was told by a friend "he's up to no good". She's on high alert. I can't call him at my convenience if I need. I can't text him, etc. It is very one sided and I can't handle that. He said until it blows over, but why should I wait? So you are saying an email as opposed to a phone call? Although I do value our friendship, I have to value my well being and how I need to move on. I'm not sure what you are afraid of. Are you married as well? Worried he will retaliate in some way? I doubt he is completely oblivious to the fact that an affair isn't emotionally ideal for those involved. I think you should just tell him, as you suggested, in a short, to the point way and then go NC. That is really all you owe him and the NC will make it clear that it is over, so you can both move forward in your lives. I'm not married, and I don't have kids either. He wouldn't be one to retaliate in any way. I think I'm afraid of being alone, or, not finding someone like him. I'm just unsure what to tell him. Parts of me just want to say "I can't do this anymore. You need to focus on your family and not me." But I just don't know.
SoleMate Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 I recommend a short email and then immediate blocking on email, phone, any forums etc. There's really no reasons to get into extended explanations and in fact, any "reason" you give can be argued against. Instead, just say, "I've decided I'm done with this, don't contact me anymore." 2
Goodbye Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 I'm not married, and I don't have kids either. He wouldn't be one to retaliate in any way. I think I'm afraid of being alone, or, not finding someone like him. I'm just unsure what to tell him. Parts of me just want to say "I can't do this anymore. You need to focus on your family and not me." But I just don't know. Hippety, I feel your pain. I am also a single woman who was involved with a MM. I ended it because it was too tearing and confusing. The thought of there never being a real future, despite all the "future faking," make me end it. Write him an email telling him your feelings. Focus on your own reaons instead of telling him he should focus on his family. Tell him you are going NC so that you can heal and move on. I still struggle with not knowing if I'll ever find anyone I love as much as the exMM. I hope so. I know I couldn't keep doing what I was doing. 1
MMY Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 Yes, email instead of calling. I have always been able to communicate my feeling better as I type because I read over it and think about what I am saying. If you call it give him a chance to ask questions or make comments. When you hear his voice you might start 2nd guessing yourself. Your email doesn't have to be 3 pages long. Like I said, I was friends with her before we were AP's and I respect her decision and what she is going through. I have relied on this site for support as I have been going through this so talk, vent, ask and listen to others. but in the end you have to come to grips with it is over and move in the direction that is best for you. 1
Author hippetyhop Posted July 11, 2013 Author Posted July 11, 2013 I think I'm going to draft an email tonight and read it tomorrow with a clear mind. I think we both know it would eventually come to an end. The only reason why I would tell him over the phone is to keep it a bit more personal. Goodbye- how long ago did your A end? How long did it last? MMY- How are you doing after your A ended?
Author hippetyhop Posted July 11, 2013 Author Posted July 11, 2013 When you hear his voice you might start 2nd guessing yourself. I have relied on this site for support as I have been going through this so talk, vent, ask and listen to others. but in the end you have to come to grips with it is over and move in the direction that is best for you. That is how I feel. I know either that, or I'll just choke up. I just need to not wallow in something that wouldn't turn into anything.
LilGirlandOW Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 OP, Best of luck! I'm also in an A of 10mnths now. I feel like you big time. Its super tough to get into the NC side of the A.... I've never had the courage to do so, its the push/pull, he feels it coming I think and pulls me back in everytime and its really easy cause we're in love, and its a great love when we're together, lonely as hell when he's not with me, or we havnt communicated in a bit. Our A story sounds exactly like yours, so I know how tough its going to be for you, I hope you go through with it, find the courage to send that email! 1
SammySammy Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 I'm just unsure what to tell him. Parts of me just want to say "I can't do this anymore. You need to focus on your family and not me." But I just don't know. That's what you should say. Maybe elaborate a little bit, but just tell him how you feel and be done with it. Then stick to your word. I would do it by phone because people sometimes get sloppy with email. It's like evidence left lying around. There are numerous threads on this site about people being busted because of old emails.
LilGirlandOW Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 think of the song by Christina Perri; "Jar Of Hearts" No, I can't take one more step towards you 'Cause all that's waiting is regret Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore You lost the love I loved the most I learned to live half alive And now you want me one more time And who do you think you are? Runnin' 'round leaving scars Collecting your jar of hearts And tearing love apart You're gonna catch a cold From the ice inside your soul So don't come back for me Who do you think you are? I hear you're asking all around If I am anywhere to be found But I have grown too strong To ever fall back in your arms And I've learned to live half alive And now you want me one more time And who do you think you are? Runnin' 'round leaving scars Collecting your jar of hearts And tearing love apart You're gonna catch a cold From the ice inside your soul So don't come back for me Who do you think you are? And it took so long just to feel alright Remember how to put back the light in my eyes I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed 'Cause you broke all your promises And now you're back You don't get to get me back And who do you think you are? Runnin' 'round leaving scars Collecting your jar of hearts And tearing love apart You're gonna catch a cold From the ice inside your soul So don't come back for me Don't come back at all And who do you think you are? Runnin' 'round leaving scars Collecting your jar of hearts Tearing love apart You're gonna catch a cold From the ice inside your soul Don't come back for me Don't come back at all Who do you think you are? Who do you think you are? Who do you think you are?
Author hippetyhop Posted July 12, 2013 Author Posted July 12, 2013 OP, Best of luck! I'm also in an A of 10mnths now. I feel like you big time. Its super tough to get into the NC side of the A.... I've never had the courage to do so, its the push/pull, he feels it coming I think and pulls me back in everytime and its really easy cause we're in love, and its a great love when we're together, lonely as hell when he's not with me, or we havnt communicated in a bit. Our A story sounds exactly like yours, so I know how tough its going to be for you, I hope you go through with it, find the courage to send that email! Thank you! I wish you the best of luck as well. I don't know why I am afraid to lose someone I never really had. 1
MissBee Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 It’s been a long 10 month affair with MM. We started by chatting, turned into an EA then PA. After 3 months of chatting, he admitted he loved me, but we both agreed it wouldn’t change anything (his kids, marriage, etc). We all know that can be lie. Our feelings grew, and I want out, but I am unsure of how to end it with him. I think it’ll be a bomb shell on him when I do. I don’t think he is expecting it. He thinks I am happy. I am miserable. I am on the fence as to how I want to do it. He leaves for vacation soon; and I’m not doing it prior to be malicious, but so NC can be easier on me (he can’t contact me on vacation). We are Facebook friends as well- so I need to block him to move on. It is either email or over the phone. Email I can spill more of my feelings while over the phone is short, sweet and to the point. We have a hard time seeing each other-so face to face really isn’t going to work. Any tips? It's totally your call how you do it. I vote for email, as I'm with you on being able to really sit and think, process and spill your feelings. It's also easier for you to not be worn down by him in email versus on the phone. You can say your piece and say why you're ending it then say you're not being malicious but you're gonna go NC and you need time to heal. He will be upset no doubt, but it's not about him. It's for your well-being.
Goodbye Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 I think I'm going to draft an email tonight and read it tomorrow with a clear mind. I think we both know it would eventually come to an end. The only reason why I would tell him over the phone is to keep it a bit more personal. Goodbye- how long ago did your A end? How long did it last? MMY- How are you doing after your A ended? The A ended in April. It had lasted a little more than a year.
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 The blocking part of people's recommendation is so that you have set up an environment where you are less likely to be hurt MORE. Once you send email, everything is said. The blocking prevents him from contacting you but also allows you to stop wishing or hoping he would call. No checking the phone or emails to see, and then being disappointed if there isnt something there, or devistated if it is. The emotions of that up and down will prevent you from healing. That will make you crazy. Good luck. 1
Goodbye Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 The blocking part of people's recommendation is so that you have set up an environment where you are less likely to be hurt MORE. Once you send email, everything is said. The blocking prevents him from contacting you but also allows you to stop wishing or hoping he would call. No checking the phone or emails to see, and then being disappointed if there isnt something there, or devistated if it is. The emotions of that up and down will prevent you from healing. That will make you crazy. Good luck. Yes. I didn't block the exMM because I knew HE wouldn't contact me. And...he really didn't, well...until recently. Because I didn't block him, it gave me this glimmer of hope that he'd email me out of the blue and tell me "I've made this horrible mistake letting you go, I've left my marriage, fixed my life and am on the next plane to see you." Yeah, well that didn't happen and it kept me in that addicted place of checking my phone incessently, even though logically I knew there was little chance things had changed. For your own sake, even if you know he won't call, block him from communication so you can give yourself a "MM free zone" to heal and move on. 2
Author hippetyhop Posted July 12, 2013 Author Posted July 12, 2013 Yes. I didn't block the exMM because I knew HE wouldn't contact me. And...he really didn't, well...until recently. Because I didn't block him, it gave me this glimmer of hope that he'd email me out of the blue and tell me "I've made this horrible mistake letting you go, I've left my marriage, fixed my life and am on the next plane to see you." Yeah, well that didn't happen and it kept me in that addicted place of checking my phone incessently, even though logically I knew there was little chance things had changed. For your own sake, even if you know he won't call, block him from communication so you can give yourself a "MM free zone" to heal and move on. How are you holding up? I hope you are finding your peace and strength. Was your MM expecting you to end it? I know I have to block MM for my own sanity. On Facebook, I don't want to see his profile picture. I don't want to see anything associated with him. I'm even going to hide newsfeeds of his friends/people he comments on often. As to whether or not he'll contact me, that is up in the air. In the email, I'm going to state "I respected you and your wishes and not contacting me when you are with your family; please respect mine by not contacting me". I cannot find myself in the same addicting place. I'm doing this to help me.
Author hippetyhop Posted July 12, 2013 Author Posted July 12, 2013 The blocking part of people's recommendation is so that you have set up an environment where you are less likely to be hurt MORE. Once you send email, everything is said. The blocking prevents him from contacting you but also allows you to stop wishing or hoping he would call. No checking the phone or emails to see, and then being disappointed if there isnt something there, or devistated if it is. The emotions of that up and down will prevent you from healing. That will make you crazy. Good luck. Thank you for your kind words. I need to block for exactly that purpose. It sucks because while I value our friendship, I need to set the boundaries. I think the hardest part is losing the emotional connection. I'm going crazy already waiting for when he'll call/text. 1
sad puppy Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 There is research to support the idea that says, if they don't leave/ put plans in motion to leave, in 12 months, they are not leaving. I am sure there are exceptions. You are coming up to 12 months. Now is the time to end it, on your terms. You are ready.
Author hippetyhop Posted July 12, 2013 Author Posted July 12, 2013 There is research to support the idea that says, if they don't leave/ put plans in motion to leave, in 12 months, they are not leaving. I am sure there are exceptions. You are coming up to 12 months. Now is the time to end it, on your terms. You are ready. I haven't looked into the research, but I can see how that is very much possible. After the length of time, why would have they have a reason to leave if both parties are comfortable.
MMY Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 Things are going great. I still think about my ExAP but I am doing that less and less as time goes. I am staying busy with work and my W and I are having fun again. When that certain song comes on or place I pass by I know try and smile and think of how she helped me in so many ways. If the A didnt happen my W and I would have continued having issues. The A uncovered both her and my needs in our M.
Author hippetyhop Posted July 12, 2013 Author Posted July 12, 2013 Things are going great. I still think about my ExAP but I am doing that less and less as time goes. I am staying busy with work and my W and I are having fun again. When that certain song comes on or place I pass by I know try and smile and think of how she helped me in so many ways. If the A didnt happen my W and I would have continued having issues. The A uncovered both her and my needs in our M. I'm glad to hear you are doing better. I don't mean to be nosy or hijack my thread, but how long have you been married? How long was your A? Did you and your spouse go through counseling?
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