WS "Getting it"

[Queen of Sheba]

Much of what the BS says on here is about the WS "getting it" I'm assuming this to mean fully grasping what they have done. The realisation that they have actually broken everything. All the actions, lies, damage caused and why it will take so long to heal and the magnitude of what they need to do to put it right over years. The backing up of what they say by actions, the stopping of lying, trickle truth and arguing and accepting what you say is what you feel whether they disagree or not! Once all that has sunk in that what they have done has done x to you whether they think it should or not! When they see things how you see them whether they see them that way or not! Is that what other people take it to mean?

 

If this is the case - if you are the BS what was it that made you realise that your WS finally got it? That the words they were saying got backed up by actions, that the words weren't meaningless/empty meant at the time until tested, you could see and hear remorse and emotion? What was it and how long after d day?

Edited July 11, 2013 by Queen of Sheba

[Confused48]

My WS got it when I did a 180. At least that is when it began to really dramatically turn. There were signs before that of WS getting it. Like on Dday. And off and on after that. Mixed in with lots of the right words and periods of seemingly remorseful behavior were lots of backsliding incidents though. Not back to the AP. WS kept to NC. Just lots of minimizing and blame shifting and avoiding discussing things. Outright refusal to discuss things at times. Oh, and trickle truth of course.

 

After I did the 180 I saw a sea change. WS stopped resisting talking about the A. WS not only answered all the questions that were refused before but also told me things that I would never have been able to find out about on my own about the A. Things I would not have thought to ask about. WS stopped blame shifting and minimizing. WS started using words to describe what WS did that I never heard before. Words like depraved and degenerate.

 

WS seems to genuinely value our relationship and she fears that I might not. When there is tension now, WS gets as worried as much as I do. We resolve it together. So for now things are looking good. I know this is just one stage and things will evolve further. That we have a long way to go before we know if we will be a couple or go our separate ways. But I think we are making some progress towards a better way of deciding what we want to do.

 

I’m about 1 year from Dday and 6 months from the 180.

[Furious]

On my d-day I handed my husband his suitcase and wished him well. I was done and was was deteremined to divorce him. Within a few days I had consulted with my lawyer, got my finances in order. I then sought individual counselling to help me deal with the enormous pain I was going through. I needed to be strong for my kids and very soon after had them both in individual counselling. For six weeks my husband stayed in a hotel and he continuously tried to talk to me. I refused to speak to him unless it was something important regarding our children.

 

Durring this time my husband became proactive, he got into IC and then wrote letters to me and our children who at the time did not want to see him. He personally apologized to my parents who had loved him and had treated him like a son. By the seventh week he returned home and I insisted it was only temporary until the house was sold. He begged me to give Marriage Counselling a chance and I reluctantly agreed and within couple of sessions I quit MC as I was not feeling it and realized it was a waste of time and money if I couldn't commit myself to staying with him. Also I have to say some MC's are horrible and the good ones insist on first dealing with the affair and then proceeding toward trying to heal the marriage.

 

It's now almost 2 years since d-day which has included on again off again MC. My husband has worked very hard on himself and he's showed this in action and not just words. He's read books, he's continued in IC. He also posts on another forum and he is free to read what i post here and i am free to read what he posts there. A WS who gets it, is someone who owns it and does not blameshiift and does not expect their spouse to just get over it. A WS who gets it is someone who is proactive, sincere and truly remorseful.

 

I realize that I had done the 180 before I even knew what it was. I truly believe that a betrayed spouse must be willing to end the marriage at the risk of perhaps saving it. The worst thing a betrayed spouse can do is give their WS cheap forgiveness and allow things to be swept under the carpet. I think the old marriage must die and only a new and improved marriage take it's place.

 

 

I urge all newly betrayed spouses to seek legal advice and get their ducks in order. Seek individual counselling to get the support and coping skills to deal with the enormous trauma you're dealing with. Reach out to close family and friends for support. Take care of yourself first and foremost.