BetrayedH Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 Go see an attorney, Bob. Many will do a free first consultation. Find out your rights and if further "evidence" would do you any good. In most states, it won't matter. In my view, gathering evidence is mostly about what "you" need. You need to feel confident about what you know justifying a divorce. I wanted it all. I got a lot. It helped me know the reality well enough that I'm confident in my decisions and can't be lied to. And if the day comes that I have to justify it to my children, I can do that, too. But once you reach that point, it's time for decisiveness and action. You CAN be alone and make it. But it doesn't happen without actions to get you there. You attorney, friends, and family can help.
2sunny Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 Bob - I can't see how things will change. It doesn't seem you are willing to face what's real and change it. You are looking like her doormat. Once you're in that position - its hard to convince her of anything different. Who cares if she's reading here? You've proved to her that she can fool you and you don't do anything about it. Why care if she reads? She doesn't give a hoot about your feelings - and that's not what M is intended to be. You're making marriage look like it sucks! If it sucks that bad then divorce her.
Author bobwhite007 Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 Well I got a real job and start on the second. I hate to give it up but the winter months always put a strain on things. I hope this is a step in the right direction towards my independence. I have quit all "investigating" cause I don't care anymore. She knows she has messed up and I can see it in her. I don't think much has changed with her behavior,she seems really desperate. I think she is afraid she is going to end up alone. I can't help but think that's what she deserves. You all act like this should be a simple process. Just get a lawyer and throw her out you say. Quit being her doormat you say. Grow some balls you say.I wish it was all that simple. I have never felt so low In my whole life.
BetrayedH Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 What I went thru was by far the worst experience of my life. I guarantee just about every BS here would say the same. There used to be a poster here that described LS as a bit of a shaman's dance where the BS is surrounded by fellow spirits who each sing their own song and perform a dance to collectively guide the wounded spirit toward healing. It's a bit of a quirky analogy but somewhat true, I think. Know that each person you hear from here can empathize such that their goal is to move you towards healing as soon as possible. For most BSs after Dday, there's a period where we accepted unacceptable treatment, where we blamed ourselves, where we stayed stuck in misery because we felt we had nowhere to go. Our goals and direction in life was simply shattered. But there is life after this, Bob. It's our job to show you that path. And most of the time, it's got to do with picking yourself up, dusting yourself off, and telling people that you aren't taking this shi t anymore. You stand up for yourself. As Sunny says, you take your power back. You rediscover your self-esteem (when you never really should have lost it in the first place).
96nole Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Well I got a real job and start on the second. I hate to give it up but the winter months always put a strain on things. I hope this is a step in the right direction towards my independence. I have quit all "investigating" cause I don't care anymore. She knows she has messed up and I can see it in her. I don't think much has changed with her behavior,she seems really desperate. I think she is afraid she is going to end up alone. I can't help but think that's what she deserves. You all act like this should be a simple process. Just get a lawyer and throw her out you say. Quit being her doormat you say. Grow some balls you say.I wish it was all that simple. I have never felt so low In my whole life. I haven't read this whole thread. But I'm sure no one said this would be a simple process. It is hard. It sucks. There is nothing fun about it. There is not much worse than being lied to, betrayed, dishonored, disrespected, and stabbed in the back by the one person who is supposed to have your back. Many of the BS's here have gone through what you are. Many of us have tried reconciliation, tried to "nice" the WS back, counseling, etc. Only to find out it was a waste of time and energy. I know because I did. Knowing what I know now, I wouldn't have tried. After the first time I kicked her out of the house, I should have just divorced her cheating ass. But instead I ended up enduring 10 more months of false reconciliation while she took the affair farther underground. It finally gets to the point where you have to say enough and start the process. But it gets better. Then at some point in the future, you'll be thankful you no longer have someone like that in your life.
turnera Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Just get a lawyer and throw her out you say. Quit being her doormat you say. Grow some balls you say.I wish it was all that simple. I have never felt so low In my whole life. Your refusal to do those things is exactly WHY you have never felt so low. You are selling your soul to hold onto a person you never controlled anyway.
Owl Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Well I got a real job and start on the second. I hate to give it up but the winter months always put a strain on things. I hope this is a step in the right direction towards my independence. I have quit all "investigating" cause I don't care anymore. She knows she has messed up and I can see it in her. I don't think much has changed with her behavior,she seems really desperate. I think she is afraid she is going to end up alone. I can't help but think that's what she deserves. You all act like this should be a simple process. Just get a lawyer and throw her out you say. Quit being her doormat you say. Grow some balls you say.I wish it was all that simple. I have never felt so low In my whole life. OK...so you've decided that how she treats you, what she's doing...doesn't matter? So why do you feel so low? If that's how you feel, there's nothing wrong with that, but I don't quite track the 'never felt so low' with the 'I don't care anymore'. Seems like it has to be one or the other. Either you care, and you want to do something to change the situation, or you don't care, so it doesn't bother you. But hey...it's your life. Good luck!
2sunny Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 You may have to actually change things yourself - IF you expect things to change. I think you have enough evidence that she's not going to change - so IF its to get any better - that change must come from you. 1
Author bobwhite007 Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 I wish I ha d a pic of w face when we were in the car and she pulled down to view the messages on her phone and she saw one that was really long (she deleted before I could see it) I looked over and the look on her face was shear terror when she saw me lookin! Lmao I don't know how much longer she can do it.
2sunny Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 I wish I ha d a pic of w face when we were in the car and she pulled down to view the messages on her phone and she saw one that was really long (she deleted before I could see it) I looked over and the look on her face was shear terror when she saw me lookin! Lmao I don't know how much longer she can do it. This ^^^ yet you still do nothing to change it. You won't help yourself. What do you want from us? At this point you're wasting energy spent trying to help you grow and move forward.
Author bobwhite007 Posted August 31, 2013 Author Posted August 31, 2013 This ^^^ yet you still do nothing to change it. You won't help yourself. What do you want from us? At this point you're wasting energy spent trying to help you grow and move forward. What I want is for her to tell the truth. I think I am helping myself. One phone call and the papers will be served. But without some solid proof she tells the whole fam damily it is all me. I don't want that. I didn't know what I want from you. Maybe just to vent. I am really just now to the point where I don't wake up and want to jump. Yes jump. I know I sound like a whiny baby but that's how I feel. It does help to post here. Be patient with me and be glad you don't have to be around me in real life.
BrokenPrincess Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 Do you have access to her cell phone bills?
Author bobwhite007 Posted September 1, 2013 Author Posted September 1, 2013 Do you have access to her cell phone bills? not her work phone
2sunny Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 Who cares what she tells anyone - she has to live with her own conscience. The bottom line is you don't trust her. There's no basis to any R without trust. She tells family anything? Simply answer she's not trustworthy. It's true.
Author bobwhite007 Posted September 2, 2013 Author Posted September 2, 2013 I'm thinking about calling this guy she text and calls so much and getting his side of the story? What do you all think? what would i say? I recently recieved a message on fb from a girl I don't know saying how attractive I was and I replied only thanks. She replies what am I looking for. I leave fb browser open, I have nothing to hide, my w see message and goes into a spill about how stuff like that gets started and its possible for there to be a long distance affair then starts backin up the bus when she realizes what she is saying is contradicting what she says is impossible for her. She says it happens all the time but impossible for her, I just laugh and walk away, she fixing to mess up and tell on herself.
Bryanp Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 You may want to try to bluff this OM to telling you the truth. Contact him and tell him that you now know about the affair between him and your wife. Tell him that you want to hear his side before you take any action. Maybe he will confess? Good luck. 2
BetrayedH Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 I don't understand why VARs and a GPS isn't sufficient for you to do surveillance. Then again, I've been suggesting it since May so I'm not sure why I am posting here either.
Try Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 What I want is for her to tell the truth. You will never get that. If that is what you are waiting for, you will be waiting forever. Cheaters lie even in the face of evidence. They admit nothing, and spin whatever evidence that you do have, even if the spin defies logic. But without some solid proof she tells the whole fam damily it is all me. What you know already is enough. It will be your word against her word and you have the truth on your side. Just tell them about things like the long secret text messages that she deletes. Tell them the name of the other man, and always refer to him as the "other man". Tell them that she refuses to give this other man up no matter how much you have asked her to. Tell them that if she is just innocent friends with this other man, why is she willing to end the marraige to keep him in her life. Tell them that once the marraige is over and she dates the other man, that this will only prove your point even more that she and the other man are more than just friends.
2sunny Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 She laughs at you while you've chased her truth. So what's the point of chasing it any further?
Author bobwhite007 Posted September 2, 2013 Author Posted September 2, 2013 I don't understand why VARs and a GPS isn't sufficient for you to do surveillance. Then again, I've been suggesting it since May so I'm not sure why I am posting here either. I got em goin. GPS anyway. VAR kinda sketchy she drives gov vehicle. She can't really make a move I don't know about. Its wearing on me. It shouldn't be this way. I'm not too worried what she's gonna do Its what she has already done. He is married as well as far as I know anyway. He has put a lot at risk and so has she. A d would be devastating to them both. Is what I have enough to say they had/have somthing going on or not. 2.5 months 76 texts and 12 phone calls. She still says she did nothing wrong it was all business. I need some clousher on this soon. I know some will say live with it or leave. I m gonna try for truth I dont think ill ever know.one more week and I think ill call him.
Realist3 Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 Is what I have enough to say they had/have somthing going on or not. 2.5 months 76 texts and 12 phone calls. WHAT? That is all you have? That is nothing. That volume is not indicative of someone that is cheating. 76 texts I do within half of ONE day. Our average has varied, but it rarely falls beneath 150 per day with highs reaching over 600 per day at some points. If that is what you have, then you don't have anything to move on. That is well within professional norms.
2sunny Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 Bob - you need to work on your self respect. Please seek help.
BetrayedH Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 WHAT? That is all you have? That is nothing. That volume is not indicative of someone that is cheating. 76 texts I do within half of ONE day. Our average has varied, but it rarely falls beneath 150 per day with highs reaching over 600 per day at some points. If that is what you have, then you don't have anything to move on. That is well within professional norms. Have to admit...the volume of texts is extraordinarily low if that's the way they're communicating.
Betterthanthis13 Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 Per Bob: She has 2 phones. One for work and one personal. He has no access to the work phone. The 76 texts were on personal cell. 1
whichwayisup Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 What I want is for her to tell the truth. I think I am helping myself. One phone call and the papers will be served. But without some solid proof she tells the whole fam damily it is all me. I don't want that. I didn't know what I want from you. Maybe just to vent. I am really just now to the point where I don't wake up and want to jump. Yes jump. I know I sound like a whiny baby but that's how I feel. It does help to post here. Be patient with me and be glad you don't have to be around me in real life. Hire a PI and get the proof you need. If it turns out she is indeed cheating, make that call and serve her with divorce papers. Vent away, that's what this place is for!
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