Don't want to lose ex/best friend, NC or reduced contact?

[Lelaine]

My boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me less than a couple of weeks ago.

We were living together, we know each other since we were 11 (now 28), we have always been best friends (friends with benefits at times), even when we had other relationships.

 

It seems impossible for me to live life without this emotional bond. I have never felt this close to someone else, ex boyfriends or friends, and I know it's the same for him. I know NC is the way to go for recovery, but I can't let go of the hope for reconciliation. He sends mixed signals: says he doesn't know whether there will be a happy ending to our story in a few months or years, that he will be jealous if I start dating someone else, but will accept it, etc. At the same time, he is 100% sure that he doesn't want to get back together now. He wants time for himself, to sort out his life. He also wants to see what's out there: I was his first serious relationship and he has to know whether there may be someone more compatible with him.

 

He wants to remain friends. At first, I though it was a great idea, because at least I wouldn't lose my best friend, but then I realized I really needed some distance if I was to ever let go of the hope of getting back together and find someone else (not that I think I will find someone whom I'll love as much as him, but still).

 

BUT this is the most important relationship with another human being in my life (the only meaningful one, really) and I am terrified at the idea of losing it. So I'm split. I really don't know what to do. Any help, especially from those in very long relationships, is very much appreciated.

Did anyone manage to maintain a special bond with their exes?

[Ordinaryday]

I don't think there is such a thing as a "special bond" with someone who dumps you. even IF (a big if) they say they want to "stay friends" (and actually mean it) it is never the same anyway, they will never have the same time for you that they did wheny ou were an item, and even if you still see each other, it will be completely different, cos things that you used to take for granted, like a kiss on the mouth to say hello and goodbye, will now be off limits.

 

that is why being dumped is akin to losing someone through a death. same process.

[Leigh 87]

It's not recommended, but I talk to my ex on facebook. I have had days and weeks of not talking to him though. I'm also enjoying myself with other guys, who frankly, are of far more of a concern to me than he is.

 

For me, it's important that I just stick the the occasional facebook message. I'm in Russia now but when I return to Australia I can't actually see my ex. I am chatting to him as I'm having some problems overseas and it's nice to hear him support me.

 

I also won't lose it if he falls in love with a new girl. Although I do acknowledge that it may hurt. Hence why I think I'll just phase the occasional message out entirely.

 

It is always best to go no contact. I guess I'm not that bothered with the brief and minimal contact I have with my ex. I just don't feel urges to get back together. I don't hang onto his every word.

 

I am not a shining example of what you should do. However, I thought you may be interested to hear about my experience.

 

Also- we don't talk about the other people we have been with. He doesn't want to know about my colorful sex life I've experienced overseas within my tour group. He lost it when, before the trip, he found out about me hooking up with another guy.

 

Sometimes it is what brings closure to the guy.... once they find out you're with another guy, even just for a one time thing, they can get really upset. It was what my ex needed to truly move on from me......

 

If you remain in contact there are just a whole host of issues you will have to deal with.

 

For example... how will you feel if you find out he's banged another girl? Are you both going to set boundaries insofar as the topics that are off limits for u to talk about? My ex and I agreed to not talk about other people whom we hook up with. At all.

 

I don't want to talk about our love or sex lifes in my situation. Yet I would not be that upset if he confessed to whay he's done so far with other women. The relationship feels so long gone that it just doesn't disturb me to think of.

 

Furthermore, sex is just sex to me. I can separate between love and sex. I don't think it's a bad thing for humans to be sexual. Enjoying sex or hook ups is just a fun fact of most people's lifes. Including my exes. Including me.

 

So yeah. If it's no big deal to you when he bangs other girls, go for it. I don't think most people would be okay with their recent ex hooking up with new people.

 

I would care if my ex fell madly in love. But I wouldn't be gutted. And I certainly don't care about the string of hook ups he is likely having most weekends.

 

I should probably go no contact again. Since the smartest people who know a lot about break ups swear that I'll only stay stuck on him if I talk to him at all.

[Bozena]

Well it is difficult. I don't know what to tell you. With my previous ex I decided in the beginning to cut contact but in the end I told him that it will be fine to stay as friends. What have happened was that after 6 years he decided that he wanted to meet other girls etc. In the beginning I couldn't think of my life without him and I even agree to go on a friend with benefits stage.

What happened is that in the end I found other guy that I really felt head over hills for him (my now ex) and that I told to this guy that I can only see him as a friends. At that time we are best friends. It is true that we share a special bond and we deeply care for each other but I cannot see him in other way now. Some friends of mine suggest that this guy actually regret it, but since he sees that I can only see him as a friend doesn't have the courage to say something to me.

I really don't know if this is the case, but I cannot think of him as something else. But you know it depends, I thought that NC works for me, but I have seen that it is the same for me if I have NC or contact.

Just do what you feel like. Everyone here says NC is the best and things like that. For me NC is just for those that I don't want them to have around for the one or other way. But there are some exes that I cannot imagine my life without them as friends

[aloneinaz]

I understand how much it hurts, I really do. What you need to realize is keeping him in your life RIGHT NOW is only going to drag on how much pain and suffering you're going to go through. Take a cool off period. He basically told you he doesn't want you as a lover or a future life partner. He then threw in the "we can be friends" crap.

 

Your best bet would be to go NC with him for a few months. This will let you have the time to sort out you and your healing. It will also let him know what he now doesn't have in his life anymore. You staying in contact with him will only help HIM ease away from you while he's looking for someone new. Don't be a door mat to him.

 

Right now, you have no choice. He's made his decision. He's told you he's ok w/you going out w/others, sleeping with them and potentially risking you meeting your love of your life. He's ok with that which tells you all you need to know about his true feelings for you.

 

Stop telling yourself he's the best this or my only that, etc. You're still way too young to not experience even more or better in all the categories.

[LinkWorshiper]

I was in your boat until very recently. I was trying really hard to maintain the same kind of bond with my ex, but I found that all that happened was that he would treat me like we were still together, but without the bells and whistles. And every little thing that might have been a clue that he was unsure or confused (and boy, were there a lot!) sent me spinning, especially when he would start flirting with me like he wanted to get back together. That was the last straw for me... I had to tell him that even though I want him in my life, we shouldn't see each other for a bit because it was unfair how he kept putting me in these emotionally vulnerable places without thinking how I felt about it. He knew I wanted to reconcile, and he still strung me along while eyeing a new girl. I also knew I couldn't sit there and watch him fall in love with someone else while he still expected the same things he always got from me. I have realized (maybe too late) that the only way for him to get a clue that he was really messing up is to step away and not make myself available to him. It will help me be able to handle a friendship or whatever happens later down the road (which I am now accepting might be years from now), and maybe it will help him get his head on straight, as he seems to have a hard time figuring out what he wants in general anyway. Those are my thoughts about all that, anyway. Be careful and good luck! Do what your gut says, even if it's hard.

[Chichirula]

Me and my boyfriend split up 2 weeks ago. We were together for 2 years although for 6 months of those 2 years we broke up and were 'just friends'. We still spent everyday together,walked home together at night after work (we work together), ate together, shopped together, slept in the same bed together. I even stayed at his house every night for 2 months in the summer when my daughter was away. All just as 'friends'. We slipped up and had sex twice but decided we didn't want it to be that way. In the end we got back together because he did love me and wanted it to work and wanted to fall in love again with me. Neither of us had any other partners in those 6 months nor any dates. However 8 months later he's decided he has tried but can't fall in love with me like the first time. He loves me but is not in love with me so he ended it. After a few days we got back in the routine of seeing each other day and night and i stayed at his house as 'friends' but as i am still in love with him i think we have both realized it's best if we don't go down that road agin. So the last 2 days we have been going our separate ways. It breaks my heart to not spend so much time with him but I'm just so grateful to have him in my life as my friend, a true friend, and i know that in the near future we will be able to do those things again, just not ALL the time. It feels a bit like going cold turkey. I understand completely how one person can mean so much to you and be such a big part of your life. I just try and think of the positives and accept that although he is not in love with me, he does love me and will always be there for me and we will still have lots of great times, although they will be different, they will still fulfil me. The test will be how i cope when a new girl comes on the scene....