Salem Posted October 22, 2004 Posted October 22, 2004 Hi everyone, I've been reading here occasionally for a long time but have never posted until now. I feel old enough to be most of y'all's mother, but I see a lot of good advice so I thought I'd take a whack at posting. I've been with my BF for 3 1/2 years and we live as though we are married. I have a 13 and 16 year old from my previous marriage and he's never been married. I've been divorced for 6 years. Lately he is irritable most of the time, and he's immature about it. Ex: yesterday I came home from work and he wasn't home yet. We eat kind of late so the kids and I figured we had an hour to kill so let's play a videogame together. We sit down and start playing Monkey Ball (I know some of you are laughing, but it's bonding!) and he comes home from work when we had just started the game. He sits down and starts crabbing about things, critiquing everything we did, and when I asked if he wanted to join in the game he said "I'm just waiting for you guys to finish so I can play MY game" really nasty like and then just sat there and stared. We went ahead and finished the game, which didn't take long, and basically tuned him out. When it was done and we were talking about dinner we decided to order pizza, but he got huffy about my first suggestion of where to order from (after he asked me where to order from) and said "just go ahead then, I will find something to eat" and walked off. I asked again if he had a preference and he said no, so we went ahead and ordered and I noticed he didn't have any problem scarfing half of it down when it came. After we ate he went to play his game and I was walking about picking up the house and the kids were in the kitchen having a discussion about a book in normal tones of voice and he got mad, got up and turned off his game abruptly and said he couldn't play because we were too loud (we were NOT too loud, I was hardly making a sound and the kids were just talking, not arguing or loudly). I decided to go upstairs to do some things up there and get away from his black mood and not even five minutes later he came up there where I was and started crabbing about little things. I think he deliberately tries to set this up, as I noticed he will say something or ask me a question and then no matter what I reply with he has to cut it down. I took some laundry downstairs and was down there for about 15 minutes and when I went back upstairs he was already in bed, lights off. It wasn't even 8:00 yet. Okay, sorry that was so long but how do I deal with this? He's acting like a child, and a martyr, and basically an a**h*** sometimes. He used to be like this once in a while if he was super busy at work or something, but now it's almost all the time. When I try to talk to him about it he completely shuts up, won't say anything. I've asked him if he needs a break or if he's unhappy here and he insists he's not. He can be happy one minute, mad the next. When he's not mad he's very affectionate and tells me he loves me and compliments me a lot, but then five minutes later he'll be nitpicking something or blaming one of us for something. If something of his gets misplaced or isn't working right, it's always me or one of the kids who did it, even if we never touched it. I'm getting to the point where I don't even care if he's happy anymore, it's me who's becoming unhappy. He puts a damper on everything. Instead of walking on eggshells all the time, I'm tempted to boot him out ... but there's that sticky love thing and the good times in the mix and it's not that easy. I'd like to figure out what is going on and try to work on it before we just give up, but I can't do that if he isn't willing to talk about it can I? His sex drive has also plummeted...but that is another story. On the surface it looks like he could be cheating, but I don't see how. He works for a home remodeler and goes to work and comes home from work with the guy every day, he lives two houses away. If he's not at work, he's home. Crabbing! Now that I think of it, his boss is like that, always crabbing and blowing up about little things. Do you think it's rubbing off on my BF? Anyone been through this?
moimeme Posted October 22, 2004 Posted October 22, 2004 Nothing more annoying than a man in trouble who refuses to talk about it but shows quite plainly that something's wrong You said 'lately' - does that mean the last few days, weeks, or months? If it's been longer than a month, then something is up. It is possible that stress from work and from dealing with a bad boss is getting to him. He could even be depressed - often, depression manifests itself as anger and irritability in men. But he has to be persuaded to talk about it or do something about it. Try sitting him down sometime when the kids aren't around and when he's in one of his better moods and telling him you're very concerned about him. Be sure to sound like you're not blaming him or criticizing him, but tell him that he's changed quite a bit and you're concerned that something may be wrong. If he continues to slough it off, let him know that he needs to take it seriously because it's starting to create problems in the marriage. Ask him to see a doc about it because if it is stress, it can affect his physical health.
Salem Posted October 22, 2004 Posted October 22, 2004 Thank you for the reply. He's always had occasional irritable moods, but they used to be rare. It's only been this bad for around a month. I went home for lunch today and he was home at the same time and he acts like nothing is amiss, like he forgot already that he was a real jerk last night. I didn't have time to talk to him then but I think you have a good idea and I'm going to try to talk to him as soon as I have him alone and in a good mood. If it turns out that this is just his personality and it's only going to get worse with age, I don't think I can handle it. Being married to a grouchy old man is not my idea of fun.
Salem Posted October 22, 2004 Posted October 22, 2004 It's worse. I came home tonight and found out he hadn't worked all day, so I looked at his internet history and he was in amateur sex, teen porn sites all day. Don't rag on me for looking, I know I shouldn't but he didn't volunteer that he'd been home all day, I found out when his boss stopped me on my way in and said to tell him sorry for not having any work today but his pregnant wife is sick. I guess my man is a big fat liar on top of a grouchy mofo and now what ... a perv? I'm not against porn, but seeing what looked like a 13 year old in her underwear on his history makes me want to vomit. He's gone right now and it's probably good or I don't know what I'd say to him. I guess I know why he has no sexual energy left for me anymore. ****er!
moimeme Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 Something might be seriously amiss. When someone changes significantly, this often indicates a serious problem. He needs to see a doctor and to talk about all these issues. It sounds as if work is getting to him and he's 'drowning his sorrows' in porn - or else he's become a porn addict to the effect that it's affecting his work. There could be any number of things going on but he must be checked out.
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