I'm the one that left, but I'm the one suffering

[bunny017]

It hurts so much and I don't know how to handle it. It's going to be long.

 

I was with him for a year and a couple of months. The entire relationship was emotionally up and down. He helped me through a difficult time and was so nice/helpful and was really there for me, even though we had just met. I didn't think it would turn into anything because he wasn't really what I saw myself with.. so we were just enjoying each other's time. But we enjoyed it pretty much as much as we could and so we developed feelings. The life aspirations matched up and likes and dislikes and what to do in our free time. I felt like maybe these things were more important in the long run (I do want to get married) and maybe the things I thought I wanted in someone were more short term.

 

So basically I saw a future. And we talked a lot about our future together. I also thought this one would be different because it started slower (more normal, how my first relationship had started and that lasted 5 years and ended because we grew up and apart, being we got together at 18). The way he acted towards me reminded me of that relationship, and that's a good thing. The last two relationships before this one started very intense and ended very abruptly, both lasting only a few months, so I thought this one was going right, and now that I'm older (29), that I wouldn't grow up and apart. So those things were good, but from the beginning, he did like to purposefully make me upset. So we fought a lot. But I always just forgave it. When it was good it was good..

 

He really liked to push my buttons, but then would get mad at me for being mad. He told me last week that he finds pleasure in making me upset.. how twisted is that? So when he gets mad, he ignores me and/or says really hurtful mean things. To the point that I would cry, and he would get even more mad that I was crying. The only time he comforted me when I was crying was in the very beginning, and when I got laid off, because they had nothing to do with him causing me to cry. But if he was the reason I was crying, he would only get meaner. That I was being dumb because I was crying. And I'm the kind of person that cries at touching movies or whatever, so when I would cry for those, he said, see it doesn't mean anything when I make you cry because you cry for anything.

 

Anyway. It seems that lately he had been getting mad more often at really small things, and when he gets mad I usually get ignored the rest of the day, till around the time I was going to see him, where I would get a text that he was going to go hang out with someone else. When we did talk/fight, he had been cussing at me for such little things, call me selfish, annoying, a brat. Tell me that he doesn't care about me or what happens to our relationship. Maybe a month ago, he had gotten so mad at me and had yelled at me these things, like YELLED. Because I was trying to make things okay between us. We somehow made up quickly that time, but when I told him I loved him and he didn't say it back and I was upset, he said I didn't DESERVE for him to tell me that. There were other things I didn't deserve; he felt the need to punish me for my "wrongs." But if I ever brought up how he hurt me, then I just couldn't let things go.

 

So it seemed like he was getting mad so much easier and so much more intense lately. I was getting so fed up last week.. of being treated like **** when he's mad. I told my best friend that I didn't think we'd last through the year. So yes, a break up was coming, but I wasn't ready I guess.

 

I thought a trip would help us, because it had before. I thought maybe if we just went away and had fun, we'd remember how good it is and how much fun we can have together. And we did. It was amazing. We went to the Grand Canyon. He happened to be kinda broke so I paid for a lot of the trip. We got back late Sunday night. I was super happy, we were good.

 

But Monday night, he got mad at the way I asked him for more lemonade after he drank all of mine. He started ignoring me and when I was asking to figure out why he was mad, he got mean. I left.. I text him something about his car, he was really rude. I asked, why are you being so mean to me? Really rude response. I came back. I tried to talk to him, but he wasn't having it much. It's really hurtful. I cry. I tell him it's fine to be mad, but he doesn't need to talk to me like that. That he makes me feel so insignificant. That I thought after our weekend, he would be nicer to me. That made him mad, because he said I was saying he treats me like crap as a boyfriend. I said I didn't say that, that I said when he's mad he treats me like crap. That I just don't want him to say hurtful things like he doesn't care about me or us. He said he only says the truth. I realized then that if our amazing weekend couldnt even make things better for one day, it was never going to get better. It was really hard for me, but I said Maybe we shouldn't do this anymore. He said, maybe we shouldn't. I said what does that mean, he said, if this is what you want. I said it isn't what I want, I want you to not be so mean just because you are mad. To not say those things. He said he's always been that way and he's not going to change. So I said, I think I need to be with someone who cares about me and our relationship all of the time.

 

And I started packing and crying so much. He just laid on the bed and faced the wall. When I was done, I said bye. He said bye. I said, that's it? He said I don't know what you want from me. I said, don't you want one last hug? He got up and hugged me, but then pushed me away and laid down. I said, I hope you know how much I love you. He said, yeah so much that you packed all your stuff. I said, you've told me too many times that you don't care. He said, I only say the truth. I said, I think I need to be with someone that cares about me as much as I care about them. I left.

 

I knew a breakup was coming, but I expected it to come during a time where I was just angry and fed up with him, but instead it was because I was so so so hurt. And it hurts that he had such a little reaction. Didn't say or do anything. I feel so insignificant and I did so much for him. I don't doubt that he loved me.. I guess he didn't love me enough. It hurt so much that he felt so little compassion anytime I cried.

 

And I feel bad because I know I hurt him by actually leaving. I think he assumed he'd always be the one to leave (he tried, 3 times. One was on my bday through text). I know he's hurt but I'm not even sure if it's because I'm gone or because it was a blow to his ego.

 

But I am hurting so much more. I am trying to focus on the bad and what I don't have to put up with anymore, but I still miss him so much and can't help thinking of the things we enjoyed doing together, or our amazing weekend or other good memories.

 

I did the strong thing by finally leaving.. but I'm in despair. How do you handle this? I've cried so much since Monday night..

[Eivuwan]

He was emotionally abusive to you and you made the right decision by leaving. The breakup feels very difficult to cope with because it happened recently. Try distracting yourself with other things and as cliche as it sounds, time will heal.

[smj1975]

Wow. He sounds like a HUGE *******. Stay as far away from him as you can. And when you think of him ONLY think about how mean he was to you. You WILL find someone better than him.

[mano]

hang in there u certainly made the right decision, he was emotionally abusive, even if you would have stayed with him this guy would just keep mistreating u n make u cry every single day.

 

Trust me i know how u feel, my bf was doing the same. treating me like i don't even exist, pushing my buttons n making me cry n then getting angry at me instead n all the blame shifting that i know very well how to push his buttons,

getting mad at me over little things, i tried so hard to keep him happy n satisfied, but all he could care about his own mood n talk crap .

i think u took the right step, trust me very soon u gonna realize u r better off without him .

i broke up with him yesterday too, h;)aving a hard time myself dear ,

tc n stick to no contact