Sunflower22 Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 My husband and I have had our share of problems. Mainly because I am not a woman who can just roll over or keep my thoughts to myself. We have two very young children together that we both agreed to have and they are loved by both of us but I feel like sense our children that he pushed me for have arrived I have given up everything and he has not given up anything. When I had them I cut down on my career and started working 3 days a week to be with them more. I never go out with friends, never go to a nice dinner, never have a cocktail hour even if its work related, I do nothing but go to work and come home and take care of my kids everyday of my life. I love my kids but I am angry because my husband constantly goes to dinners, travels out of state, has cocktail hours and gets all kinds of breaks while I sit at home alone watching our kids and can't go do anything. When I say I'm going to dinner with a friend from work he manipulates me by saying his stuff is work related and that I'm going out for pleasure. He says I'm a bad mom for wanting to have any break from my kids. My oldest is three and I live my life for them but yes world I need a break!!! I want to mingle in the adult world to. I am so filled with anger about my situation here. I told my husband I wanted to go back to school to advance my career a day a week and he said there is no way I can do that with the kids and all on my plate but he has just agreed to take on more responsibilities at work which in turn puts more duties at home on me and why can he do this but I have to give everything up. I am so overwhelmed with working full time 3 days a week and keeping my job happy, taking care of our house cause he refuses to do any house work and keeping up with kids that I have no time for me. I just want to scream but rather I feel like my situation is hopeless because these are my kids but why shouldn't he give something up. So I asked him that and he basically told me that he is doing what he has to do and if I don't like it to leave him. So use to I'd be upset about us splitting the kids up and he knows that but my view is starting to change. So out of my mouth I shocked myself but I told him not to threaten me because then he would get kids 50 percent of time which he has threatened before and that would give me some time to do the things I want to accomplish and that based on our current situation he would have to give something up for a change. And maybe I could have a life rather than catering to his. So I told him he could either be fear and understanding in our marriage and listen to my concerns or he could leave and do it on his own. He told me to calm down no ones getting divorced but I am so frustrated. This has been 3 years and he knows it. I thought we'd both sacrifice but not the case. I feel like his slave in a strange way. But things he use to threaten me with are not sounding as terrible as they use to. Please don't miss understand I love my kids they are well taken care of. I'm just tired of pushing my dreams to the side I'm getting older while my husband gives nothing up.
Eve Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 (edited) Sorry but you have become his mother too. As women we must guard our children, yes, but still remain a girl ourselves. I could read a number of kicking off points in your post and I think you have the right idea but really you need to carry on through with what you have been saying and not threaten. Never threaten or tell what you intend to do next. He should know. Accept nothing less than this. What are you, his teacher as well as his mother? Don't play the marriage blame game. If you carry on as you are you could end up resenting your children. Sacrifices need to be made with having children but I think you are too focused on this. Family life is primarily supposed to be fun. The routines should be so interesting that H would want to be involved. He should be planning things with you and helping you around the home so you can both enjoy each other and the children. I think you need to get a babysitter so that you can go out more. Maybe with your H if you want to try to rebuild this relationship. Personally I wouldn't as I see what he is doing as a form of abandonment. I would consider myself a single parent if I was in your shoes. He wouldn't be coming to sit in my nice clean home and enjoying all I have to give.. Get the girl back within yourself firstly. Children respond better to healthy, free individuals. Focus on being happy within yourself. Get your hair done and buy some pretty things. Don't threaten. Live your life with pleasure, happiness and beauty. If he doesn't want to be part of that, someone else will notice... Don't try to change the horrid aspects. Introduce excellent aspects. Take care, Eve x Edited July 11, 2013 by Eve
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 Sunflower, I am so sorry. I read your details and thought, oh my goodness I REMEMBER those feelings. I am going to first assume you don't really want a divorce, maybe you do but I will start there. You do realize that you can go enroll in school or take on a hobby or go out with friends without asking permission right? I am not clear why you are asking? You get the child are thing covered and enroll in school start with one class till you get the rhythm again. Get a couple of good babysitters. In fact, get a neighborhood kid to come over and watch the kids while you are doing chores then when you are comfortable that they are taking care of the kids properly, you go to the grocery, library, dry cleaners whatever. This is a good way to start to get the break you need. And honey you sound like you need a break. Eventually, going out now and then will be easy cause you have dependable care. Again, kids are cared for so you don't need to ask permission to have dinner with your friends, just do it. As for the keeping score with your husband, not good. It's not a winner and loser thing. I know he's acting like a jackaxx, but honestly, after working full time, traveling for work, doing a ton of work social things, I wish I had a wife taking care of stuff at home. It would be awesome. NOTE: You may not believe this but I HATE all the travel, work dinners, cocktails, it's agony. Most of us feel that way. I don't expect you to believe it, but for 99% of us it's not in any way fun. I posted this on someone else's thread. I think people need to be very careful to not throw down the divorce card during an argument. It is the nuclear option and should be treated like that. You are allowed to be a mom, wife, homemaker, and student, career person and or any combination. Figure out what you want to do and go make it happen.
Author Sunflower22 Posted July 12, 2013 Author Posted July 12, 2013 Thank you all who have replied to my post. I don't really want a divorce I just want him to see his faults but that is probably wishful thinking at this point. Many family members and friends have told me the same things to live my life don't ask him for permission and do what makes me happy. I guess what holds me back is that when I bring up things like going back to school he throws tons of obstacles up and I back down. He really does not treat me like a partner. I have asked him several times to plan a trip with me because I need a vacation and that I would save up whatever it costs and even that comes with obstacles. Let me add that he has enough air mile points and free hotel points but still he does not see the need for me to get a break. He gets tons of breaks but refuses to offer me any. I see that over time he has gotten good at manipulating me and that's what has been holding me back from the things I want to do. I think he knows that I'm getting fed up with the situation though.
Eve Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 Sunflower I think you have to let go off the idea that you should jointly be making decisions such as you going back into education etc. Why keep on with such intensity when you know the outcome? Surely you can work out the logistics on your own? Was there a point where he was helpful? Is this what you want back? All in all, I think you may be trapped within an idealised view of marriage where you have given up your own ability to function singly. I think this could end up looking very unattractive. Well, I wouldn't find this attractive. Just start making plans and see where they lead. That's how life goes. As much as I love my H I could not give up this ability. Personally I think it is too much pressure for anyone to take. In effect your H is living singly anyway. I don't see the point in such marriages. I would be miserable as hell.. in fact I couldn't even do it. Take care, Eve x 1
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