UpwardSpiral Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 Hi - please bear with this newbie. I could use some moral support to keep me on the straight and narrow. Trying to be brief - I'm married, 20+yrs, 2 kids. SO had been my one and only sex partner and I (rightly) suspected that he is highly inadequate. That coupled with him being more interested in hobbies led me to be lonely, and 2 yrs ago I had brief A with MM I met on AshMad. Husband never found out. I guess it emboldened me; I went back to AshMad and met another MM. Both agreed we had no interest in leaving spouses - just wanted it to be casual. Ended suddenly when he had DDay - of his first affair from 5 yrs ago (long story). I was devastated, lonely again but tried to move on. No contact on my end after several long goodbye emails exchanged. Six months later - he's missing me/the sex - and reaches out. We've gone back and forth via emails and texts for several months, decided we both wanted to rekindle. The night before our rendez-vous, he texted saying he was too afraid he'd get caught. I thought "Good for him - doing the right thing for both of us." Four weeks later he's back on AshMad. This whole year, I've tried to find any morsel of info about him, his life - I spend hours daily obsessing over him. I know I should deal with my marriage - fix it or leave. I never envisioned me and AP having life together, but believed he really cared about me. He said/wrote as much many times, and now I feel so rejected. He wasn't done having affairs; he was just done with me. So why can't I let it go? To compound things, I telecommute for a job that allows me to be online all day. It's ruining the rest of my life. I have fantasies - sometimes about revenge, sometimes about reuniting - both of which will never happen. Time has not healed this wound; it's been a year. Anyone been here? Don't tell me to call friends, pursue a hobby, etc. None of that has helped - only for the few hours I'm doing it and then I'm back to obsessing.
Goodbye Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 I know this sounds oversimplified, but if you are bored in lonely in your marriage, perhaps you should end it? And what is Ash Mad? Some sort of dating site I assume?
happy stillmore Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 I think the rejection part is difficult to deal with. The AP chooses to stay with the BS. The OW or OM is left feeling dejected but can explain logically to themselves the reason even though it hurts like crazy. The AP was married after after all. In your case, the MM just didn't choose you. I think he sensed you had feelings for him and didn't want to risk getting involved. In my opinion, MM is frankly looking for a physical relationship. I'm sorry you are hurting.
Author UpwardSpiral Posted July 11, 2013 Author Posted July 11, 2013 Ashley Madison, affair matching site. I'm working on whether to leave my marriage. Financially cannot afford to do so right now - for either of us. I know it may sound strange to some people but I do love him - more as a friend though. I feel zero physical attraction - it was poor before As but now I'm almost repulsed by physical contact. But otherwise...we don't fight. We're a good team when it comes to parenting. It's more like business partners. Sad I know. And that's part of my problem I think. AP was an incredible lover, much more emotionally open, a talker than my SO. Makes me sad to think what I've been missing but I'm not naive. I know that part can wear off in the reality of day to day.
Author UpwardSpiral Posted July 11, 2013 Author Posted July 11, 2013 Thank you Happy. I agree. Never a doubt he would stay with his BS but rejection of him looking for a new AP hurts. And yes, I think he knew I was developing feelings for him. His first AP texted, called, "accidentally" bumped into him at morning coffee shop. I have tried to stay away for his sake and mine. I keep having this fantasy of exposing him to his wife - a sick "If I can't have him, no else will" mindset that I would never act on because I do care for him, even if he used me.
happy stillmore Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 Upward, Oh! I can relate. My marriage is like we are business people as well. my husband and I don't talk. We are two parents living under the same roof. my MM made me realize how sweet making love could be. I never felt so physically connected to someone. I crave that. I want that. I am building my strength to divorce my husband as I feel like I'm living a lie now. My husband and I do not have a healthy marriage. The world sees us as a happily married couple. (His brothers and my sister know different.) In fact, today is our 20th year wedding anniversary. I don't feel joy in this milestone. I have to be true to myself, to my husband, everyone. I will be happy in knowing I'm living life honestly. I would love to feel the romantic love I did with MM again. I think the only way to true happiness is be true to yourself. 2
Author UpwardSpiral Posted July 11, 2013 Author Posted July 11, 2013 Forever, Thank you for the candid reply. I agree with everything you said. I did indeed make this decision willing and am paying the price for my philandering. That said, I am in pain and as I stated up front, looking for support to keep me from backsliding. Wrong as it was, I'm suffering terribly from this self-inflicted wound and cannot share this pain with any of my friends or family. I've read about the addictive nature of affairs, and believe it's true. Not unlike a junkie, I keep fighting the urge to go back for another hit. And just like a junkie, yes I knew the risks and made my own problem but I still could use the support of people who've been there. That means taking the good medicine with the bad - i.e. the unvarnished truth you have reminded me of.
HopingAgain Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 Are you willing to risk the respect of your family, kids included for another "hit"? I guarantee you if it all comes out that you are a serial cheater, you are going to lose so much more than finances. The pain you're experiencing now will be nothing like the pain that discovery of your affairs is going to bring you AND your family! I think you should find a counselor and schedule an appointment right away. You admit you are addicted to the affair rush to the point of obsessing about your last AP, not healthy! You can take control of your life back, do it before you destroy yourself and those you claim to love!
ChasingCars Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 There's a medication; I think it is Paxil, that can do wonders for love obsessions. It is prescribed for OCD and "obsessions" as well as anxiety, etc. and I have seen it prescribed and work for this type of thing too. I had thought it sounded like pharma pushing poopie until I saw it work and then just recently I read online about the chemical changes in our brain when we have affairs and how these medications "break" that problem that causes the obsession. I am typically quite anti-medicate but would look into it if I was in your shoes for that length of time. Just an FYI
Author UpwardSpiral Posted July 11, 2013 Author Posted July 11, 2013 Happy, Thank you for the note and I completely understand the anniversary milestone. We spent ours last year overnight alone - I was in the midst of my A and it was such a sad time for me, laden with guilt about what I was doing as well as remorse over years lost and what could have been. If it helps, I focused on our children and how great they are, how grateful I was for my SO as a father to them. It is backward thinking to many but my affair was an attempt to keep everyone else happy (e.g. family intact) without losing my mind. The alternative is to make other people (SO and kids, extended family) unhappy so I can be happy. Like you, people would be shocked if we split. I've concluded no one really knows what's going on in anyone else's marriage. Heck, half the time people don't know what's going on in their own.
LivingWaterPlease Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 Upward Spiral, I am so sorry to read you are in this painful situation. The truth is that every person on earth makes mistakes. We are all in the same boat, mistake makers learning how to do better! That said, good for you, coming on here to get support to move into a healthier lifestyle! Yes, find a counselor and work through this painful time with them. There is help for you! And be glad this person from Ash Mad went to someone else instead of you to mess with. That puts you way ahead of the other poor soul, who will eventually realize she needs help, too. By that time, though, you will be off and running with a new life! Healthy and healed by working through your issues with a counselor! 1
Author UpwardSpiral Posted July 11, 2013 Author Posted July 11, 2013 Hoping, I agree the fallout would be terrible. I knew all the negatives before I had the first affair but was so desperately lonely that I ignored them. I got away with it, but am not complacent. My AP had his DDay years after his first affair ended so I know there could be someone out there who saw us, etc. who decides one day to expose me. Having another "hit" for me just refers to cyberstalking him, ruminating about the past, etc. I don't plan to have another affair or go back to him; I just want to stop obsessing about my AP so I can focus on doing the hard work of assessing and fixing/ending my marriage. I actually have been seeing a counselor who has said all the same things to me. It's not working and that's why I thought I'd try this - seeing if someone who's been there has some advice on how to break the cycle.
Author UpwardSpiral Posted July 11, 2013 Author Posted July 11, 2013 LivingWater, Thank you for your very kind and supportive words. I love your suggestion - exactly the kind of perspective I need to keep myself focused on moving on (hence the "upward spiral" name). I wish I didn't have the ability to know what he's up to - out of sight out of mind - and haven't figured out how to self-impose that moratorium - but your words are very motivating. 1
happy stillmore Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 Upward, In my experience, I thought the "butterflies" would come in time with my husband. I have a long sad story to what led me to marry when I did. (I was young, grieving the loss of my mother and looking for stability). Anyway, I thought I would feel the magic after our wedding day, when we had a baby, etc. I kept waiting and waiting. As time went on, even before or fifth anniversary, I realized I was not in love with my husband. I know cliche: I love him but not "in love" with him. So at 18 years of marriage, I connected with a man who I always had pictured in my mind. He was what I longed for. He treated me like a beautiful queen, worshipped my body and interested in the same things. Well, unfortunately, MM couldn't afford to move out without causing financial hardship for his wife and three grown girls. Plus, his wife couldn't handle living without him. Where was I going with all of this? Oh yeah. I am now thinking this may be for the best. I know I must be honest to everyone and go with the feelings in my heart. I don't have romantic feelings for my husband. We aren't intimate and it isn't fair to him. I can now move out and make a life on my own for me and my children without added complications like a MM or SO to explain to everyone. I can concentrate on my children.maybe, just maybe down the road I can find someone whom I can feel this romantic love for OPENLY AND HONESTLY. It would be heaven for me. I hope you find your happy life too.I don't think having affairs is the path that will lead to your happiness.
Author UpwardSpiral Posted July 11, 2013 Author Posted July 11, 2013 Chasing Cars, Thank you for the info. I would prefer to go without an Rx but my counselor did suggest I consider one to get me past this "mourning" phase. I'm hoping to do without but will keep in mind.
Author UpwardSpiral Posted July 11, 2013 Author Posted July 11, 2013 Happy - Your story sounds very similar to mine. Easy to focus on the kids, work for so many years and then one day you wake up and realize that nagging feeling you've had all these years is legit. It's ironic that I took the risk of having affairs when I am otherwise so worried what "everyone else" will think if I leave my SO. And yes, affairs are not the answer. I think I am the classic example of an exit affair - testing the waters as one last step before making the decision to divorce. Right now I'm saving money, and asking my SO to go to counseling - one last shot. I hope you have success with your situation as well.
happy stillmore Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 "It is backward thinking to many but my affair was an attempt to keep everyone else happy (e.g. family intact) without losing my mind. The alternative is to make other people (SO and kids, extended family) unhappy so I can be happy." OMG! That is me! My life! It is hard to explain but yes, I wanted my family intact and did not want to hurt them. (I know there always was a risk my family would learn of the affair.) I wanted to feel this intense, romantic love in my lifetime. That is why I took the risk. When I learned how great it was, I wanted all of him. Unfortunately, this wasn't meant to be so I experienced the biggest heartbreak in my life (aside from losing my mother). I, too, do not want to let people down. To this day, I still seek approval from my Dad. It pains me to think of how disappointed he will be when I divorce. Divorce isn't an option in my family. Death do us part. All I want to say is there are others in your situation that can relate and hopefully, won't judge too harshly. Go with your heart. What makes you happy? What is your truth? I suggest reading the thread "what I don't miss". It is striking to me how so many people have similar experiences with the AP role. It hits home.
BeholdtheMan Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 Ashley Madison, affair matching site. I'm working on whether to leave my marriage. Financially cannot afford to do so right now - for either of us. I know it may sound strange to some people but I do love him - more as a friend though. I feel zero physical attraction Let me put it bluntly: End your marriage. Your husband deserves someone who actually respects him. You feel zero sexual attraction to him, are only staying with him for financial reasons, and you've cheated on him and tried to keep conceal it. Please muster the moral courage to end your marriage and move on.
Author UpwardSpiral Posted July 11, 2013 Author Posted July 11, 2013 Behold, Thank you for the response. I should say that at one time I did feel some sexual attraction to him, and we have been happy. I don't want to throw away a decades-long marriage if this is a period that I can navigate out of. I would like nothing better than to have those feeling come back, but I agree that if time and some counseling doesn't help, I need to make a call.
Author UpwardSpiral Posted July 11, 2013 Author Posted July 11, 2013 Thanks, Happy. And ditto - my family really likes my SO, and I really like his family. When I look at my options, they all suck. Either way, there's no Happily Ever After, certainly not for our kids. I thought, "When they're older, it won't be as big a deal." Yet I read somewhere that the longer you've been together, the harder it can be because they are old enough to understand the full ramifications, and they wonder if their entire lives were somehow a lie. So hard to know what to do... Keep in touch.
Author UpwardSpiral Posted July 11, 2013 Author Posted July 11, 2013 Steadfast, No, it's not the life I imagined for myself. I expected the wrath and contempt of some posts here, and they're understandable. I don't expect or deserve sympathy from a BS. Yes, I made my wants,needs, desires a top priority - maybe because I've spent 20+ years with someone who has taken me for granted as his maid, cook, nanny, secretary and personal assistant - and I'm not a stay-at-home mom. Was an affair the right response? Of course not. As I said in an earlier post, it was a misguided attempt to validate that SOMEONE found me interesting, desirable, etc. My A has both bolstered and destroyed my self-esteem, reinforced what I love and despise about my SO, and hopefully been a bullet dodged by my entire family - yes, a bullet shot by me. I know.
Author UpwardSpiral Posted July 12, 2013 Author Posted July 12, 2013 Oh yes, I've tried everything. Maybe TMI but just to explain - he never lasts more than 90 seconds to 2 minutes. Ever. In 20+ years. He won't talk about it, never mind do anything about it. And yes, I've shut down emotionally with him because I've spent years being open, vulnerable, available - and he can't/won't reciprocate. After a while, it just made me feel worse, so I open up to girlfriends, my counselor - and my AP when we were together.
Author UpwardSpiral Posted July 12, 2013 Author Posted July 12, 2013 Kristi - if he has someone else, it's been 20 years. No, that's not it. I've never made a big deal out of it because I know that only puts more pressure on a guy - but he obv knows it's an issue, and yes we managed in other ways. I don't mean to put too much focus on this. I think sex is often a barometer of your overall relationship - quality and quantity. When things we better, it didn't bother me as much. When the rest of the marriage started to weigh on me, our sex life just became one more issue.
Author UpwardSpiral Posted July 12, 2013 Author Posted July 12, 2013 * "were better" not "we better" -
Steadfast Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 No, it's not the life I imagined for myself. I expected the wrath and contempt of some posts here, and they're understandable. You expected it? That's handy. Look, BS or not, most are not going to get behind cheating on your partner, no matter how it's justified. Other cheaters will side with you, but what do you expect? They are looking for more justification too. I imagine you feel more contempt for yourself than others do, and you come close to acknowledging why...but at the last second you revert back into protection mode and begin to justify again. As I said in an earlier post, it was a misguided attempt to validate that SOMEONE found me interesting, desirable, etc. Validation is a huge part of your problem, yes. No matter what happens to your marriage, you'll need to learn what it takes to love yourself and not depend of others to provide the joy and happiness you seek. Sex is great, good sex is even greater, but even the best sex in the world isn't going to sustain the effort needed to meet career and personal goals. No husband can do that, certainly not an affair partner. You have set yourself back. IMO, no good will come until you tell your husband. And while it might get worse before it gets better, it's better than a life of lies and deception.
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