Echo000 Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 I am like many hear..i know its done for good (finally reached that point) and now trying to move on and not be stuck in my head. But i keep going over EVERYTHING..the good, the insignificant, the bad..all of it randomly floods my head in bits and pieces and it leaves me drained, in pain, hurting, and tired. The key, people say, is to keep busy and stay distracted. Does distracting yourself, however, actually get you over the person? Are you buying time, pretty much, because only time heals? Idk what to do and i hope that if i am distracting myself that that process is actually helping me move on. Lemme know what you guys think.
TaraMaiden Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 It may help you to know what it actually is that you're doing: You're 'snowballing'. Do you need me to elaborate?
Spoonss Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 Any insight into this would help too. I am also going through the same thought processes.
Author Echo000 Posted July 11, 2013 Author Posted July 11, 2013 explain what you mean tara por favor. and yea Spoonss its a tough thing to put behind you..
TaraMaiden Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 I read something on the internet, a while back, that struck a chord.... Basically it said that when you're in true distress, the distress lasts for 12 minutes or so. After that, it's self-inflicted. A stack of people came back with arguments against this fact: That drug addicts can take years to get over their pain, bereavement is permanent because someone is gone you can't replace them... They were missing the point. If a thought that provokes the pain comes into your head, that thought generates that pain for around 12 minutes at a time. Any prolongation of that pain, is something you are psychologically inflicting upon yourself, by perpetuating that pain. So the thing to do, is to not permit that pain to 'snowball.' This is the problem with situations like this: Those nursing a broken/healing heart, can't "just leave it there".... They begin the snowballing... that is, they have the grain of an embryonic thought, and instead of leaving it, they begin to roll it DOWN the hill, accumulating more 'snow' as they go, turning this fleeting little notion into a great big story complete with chapter, verse, footnotes and date references.... The trick is to not start rolling the snowball. Pick it up and throw it, and move on. It takes time to 'get over' a relationship of any kind. But in your healing process, learn to spot, to recognise, where the real 'pain' should stop, and where you begin with the self-inflicted 'pain'. Pain is valid. Emotions are valid. They deserve to be honoured. But if we self-inflict, we actually do those honourable feelings an injustice, because we coat them and embellish them with our own story, and blur the edges of their raw honesty. The self inflicted pain begins when you begin to labour the point. When you diversify from the original thought and take that line of thinking into a completely new and unrelated zone. you may THINK it's all related, but it's not. For example: (totally invented and just to demonstrate....) You suddenly remember that day the car ran out of petrol, and she jokingly accuses you of doing it on purpose, in order to get down to some naughty hanky-panky... it makes you smile, but you then remember where you were going, what your trip out was for, what she was wearing, other things she said.... Here it is again, with the original thought, and where the point starts getting laboured... (1) You suddenly remember that day the car ran out of petrol, and she jokingly accuses you of doing it on purpose, in order to get down to some naughty hanky-panky... it makes you smile, [highlight]snowballing starts here[/highlight] (2) but you then remember where you were going, what your trip out was for, what she was wearing, other things she said.... See what happened there? You began the snowballing, adding, embellishing, expanding - and feeding your own pain. Feel the feeling (1). Don't labour the point (2). In time, you'll recognise the juncture, between 'thought' and 'snowballing' - and you'll learn to distinguish memory from mulling. And at that point - quit. 2
Author Echo000 Posted July 11, 2013 Author Posted July 11, 2013 I like that a lot. tara let me ask you a question if you dont mind- I have suffered from obsessive thoughts, anxiety, and depression for years. I am an overthinker, pretty much about everything in life. This ex was my first real gf, lost my virginity to her and was the first girl who ever told me she loved me/i said it back (and meant it) She is moving away, and tried using me as a safety net. How? By saying she couldnt understand my decision to block her and move on with ZERO contact, and all she wants is my love and support at least until she gets settled in her new home, 3000 miles away. Her moving so far away kills any hope of us EVER getting back together. Its over. And i also know she is being selfish and trying to use me simply because i am familiar, and once she is settled and happy over there she can do without me. I get all that. But my mind wont stop running- iv always had this issue and its like on steroids with this stuff because its been such a big part of my life and its already hard enough as it is to let go, for anyone. My question is this: How can i indeed stop from snowballing? How can i hold onto the intellectual truths, which make me want to stay away, and keep clear of the emotional/mental bullSH** that makes me think of all the sad lovey dovey depressing stuff? I mean, her moving away in the long run makes moving on a lot easier i think. Cleaner that way. The hope/idea of us ever being together is gone for good. But emotionally/in terms of thoughts..i am tortured non stop.
TaraMaiden Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 Are you in Counselling or therapy of any kind? There is the rubber band method - but chiefly, it also means you have to become aware of your thought processes, and observe where your thoughts are taking you.... You have to become aware that what you are thinking is ultimately self-defeating, and above all, self-sabotaging.It's a wilful process designed to keep you in pain. Well, to be more precise, it's an indication that you don't want to let go. You would rather remain 'connected', because that connection keeps something alive in you. And if you feel 'pain' it must be working. It's like knowing the stove is hot, but you put your hand on there anyway, just to ensure it's staying hot.... You have to stop - I mean, really stop - wanting to feel the habitual pain. because it's you, inflicting it. Who would voluntarily keep scalding themselves? 1
Author Echo000 Posted July 11, 2013 Author Posted July 11, 2013 i do see a therapist once a week, used to be on antidepressants for three years but got off since April 2013 (werent doing enough for me,, and was not a fan). Your right, i had a post on how this is like drug addiction. I am addicted to the familiarity of it, the comfort of it, even though it hurts SO bad. I welcome the pain, because it leaves me with a sense of comfort and connection. It is SICK, and i dont mean to do it. But idk what i am without it now, idk why i am so scared to let go of it. WHY TARA!? haha this girl has taken my time, energy, emotions- and often failed to treat me nicely/well at all, yet i am addicted to the pain. Its like i would rather have the pain than nothing, even though intellectually i know that is not what i want.. So why do i voluntarily do this? !
siankat Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 Your ex hasn't taken anything 'from' you. we all give as much or as little as we want to. At this point it has more to do with you and the way you are hard wired ie the depression anxiety obsession etc. Find what makes u happy, and do MORE of that. Avoid what makes you sad, uncomfortable etc. This may not mean much now as you are only 21 or so but our hard wiring cannot be changed. I believe that the anxiety and ocd and possibly depression all come from our genes. Does someone in ur family feel similarly? I wouldnt have accepted that 'this is the way i am' when i was ur age. But now, i take my obsessive tendency, addictive tendency, and channel it to good things to be addicted to for example learning a new skill. The intermittant blues i feel, i know come, sometimes with reason sometimes not, and i know i will be fine after i talk to someone close to me who reassures me the world is not in fact ending Relationships and the intense feelings that come with them can trigger enormous emotions. Some people seemingly skate through life while others wade waist deep in mud. Both have their pros and cons. I am sure of it. Accept the way u are, anxiety, ocd, depression and all. Because for sure you have many positives...eg thoughtful, inquisitive, depth...not everyone has those qualities. Use what u see as negatives, to your advantage as much as you can. Some people find it much harder to get over relationships and the feelings they invoke, than others. Some people just need to choose better as not everyone can exit a relationship relatively unscathed. Im not saying she wasnt a great girl but there are so many things to consider if you are wanting to enter a long term relationship with a person. Sometimes the person we most want at the time is not the person that matches us best. Time, experience and getting to know urself should give clarity. Dont fight who you are and think 'why'. Just accept it. If you were born without an arm would you try and deny u had an arm missing and think 'why cant i pick up things with that arm' NO. You would just accept it. Seeing inside to our psyche is not possible like seeing a missing limb. But we are mapped to a certain extent and cant change that. i hope one day u find that thought liberating and not limiting. 2
TaraMaiden Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 siankat is right: if you feel this girl has taken something from you, it's because you willingly gave it up - and continue to do so.... Seeing inside to our psyche is not possible like seeing a missing limb. But we are mapped to a certain extent and cant change that. i hope one day u find that thought liberating and not limiting. I hope you both find interesting; I know I did. It's about an hour long, but well worth watching....
Author Echo000 Posted July 12, 2013 Author Posted July 12, 2013 siankiat- your so right. this whole time..most of my life and especially in the past couple months, i have been trying to "better myself" but to an extreme extent. Trying to change so much about me, and at times, be something i am just not. Your right, some of that is genes. Since I was like 6, my father would tell me that I needed to be less serious. As for the relationship, your right. I dont skate easily through anything, and for me to try and force myself to feel okay and open and at ease and not sad or depressed or obsessive is futile. I need to figure out how to make it my strength when i can, and accept it as part of who i am regardless. I just get so lost sometimes, because i drown in these horrible and sad thoughts. And losing my ex for good is a great trigger for someone like me--to obsess, worry, feel anxiety, depression, etc. I will try and look at that video tonight Tara.
siankat Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 im not sure why but i have a feeling there is also someone close to you in ur life who really believes in you and who you are and knows that you are capable of extraordinary things....
siankat Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 Now about this girl, she was ur first love, everything...so you dont have experience of that to put things more in perspective (in ur head and ur heart). I think it is still difficult no matter what age you fall in love, it can be just as powerful. And that is a good thing! I dont think breakups get easier on the heart but i find that i more follow my head now which makes me make better choices about how to handle things Il repost sumthin from ages ago Dear Heart, sorry for all the damage Dear tummy, sorry for all the butterflies Dear brain..u were right Ur ex was a great girl im sure, u share and will retain treasured memories, it wouldnt bring u more joy from here to continue with her today, this week or this month, it seems. Be happy to know u will think of her fondly. Not everyone can say that after a difficult breakup.
Author Echo000 Posted July 12, 2013 Author Posted July 12, 2013 im not sure why but i have a feeling there is also someone close to you in ur life who really believes in you and who you are and knows that you are capable of extraordinary things.... my mother. she believes in me and looks at me with these eyes. Believes i can do anything. believes in me more than i believe in myself.
Author Echo000 Posted July 12, 2013 Author Posted July 12, 2013 Now about this girl, she was ur first love, everything...so you dont have experience of that to put things more in perspective (in ur head and ur heart). I think it is still difficult no matter what age you fall in love, it can be just as powerful. And that is a good thing! I dont think breakups get easier on the heart but i find that i more follow my head now which makes me make better choices about how to handle things Il repost sumthin from ages ago Dear Heart, sorry for all the damage Dear tummy, sorry for all the butterflies Dear brain..u were right Ur ex was a great girl im sure, u share and will retain treasured memories, it wouldnt bring u more joy from here to continue with her today, this week or this month, it seems. Be happy to know u will think of her fondly. Not everyone can say that after a difficult breakup. She was a good girl, was not the best girlfriend but she had a good heart and meant well. I saw so much potential in her, but it was tough because she came from such a different and difficult background. I only wanted the best for her..but i realized that change was never gonna come (not any time in the near future anyways). And it hurts, because i always mean well and i LOVE her. I do. I wish we could be together. But i know we cant. And its probably best she is moving away, it absolutely forces me to let go. I hope those treasured memories bring me a smile one day. Right now, they bring nothing but severe pain.
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