I made a big stupid mistake and he's angry. I need .

[Phantom888]

My goodness. I would not forgive her for a loooooooong time, until she really makes it up to me. Thats such an awful joke. So hurtful.

[bluegreen]

Am amazed that she described this as him being angry?

Just angry I mean

[sillyanswer]

Then give him the best BJ and sex ever to show just how much you love it and him....

 

Best advice so far!

 

Also: pay for his therapy.

[bluegreen]

Am afraid what he will do in revenge

[pcplod]

Oh man, NEVER admit that it's the truth to him.

 

NEVER.

 

I repeat - NEVER.

 

You'll never, ever, ever, ever live it down.

 

I'd tell him you said it to get a laugh just because everyone was expecting you to mention some other guy's name - not his. Admit it was just a joke not meant to harm in any way, and in retrospect, you see that it wasn't taken in the light-hearted way you'd meant it.

 

But never admit to him that he IS the smallest you've had. If he asks, make up a name or claim an ex that he already knows about is the smallest.

 

He obviously knows he's not well endowed, so that's why he believes that YOU believe it - but you don't have to CONFIRM it for him.

 

Get in there and do some serious damage control - even if you have to lie your butt off.

 

Bad advice.

 

If there is even a hint of truth about it and he suspects there is an element of truth to it and I suspect that he will, then this advice is the unambiguous equivalent of digging deeper while you are already in the hole.

 

I'm sorry, but I feel so strongly about it I have to be that direct. It is anything but damage control. It is adding fuel to the fire.

 

The predicament is that there is absolutely nothing she can do or say, absolutely nothing. It is one of the most profound, appalling 'mind barfs' I have heard in quite some time, probably ever, and to hear it first from the woman you were going to marry, the woman who you would have trusted and respected and expected her to respect and trust you. The horse has bolted and is well and truly running and there will be nothing you can do to rein it in. It will run until it is exhausted and finished and gawd knows where it will end up. Although I am willing to take a punt on it.

Edited July 11, 2013 by pcplod

[Els]

I am really hoping that the OP resides under a bridge...

 

I mean, do people actually talk about this shyt with couples present? Why would you even participate in it? It's hardly a bachelor/ette's party setting...

 

Really, really awful all around.

[pcplod]

Bad advice.

 

If there is even a hint of truth about it and he suspects there is an element of truth to it and I suspect that he will, then this advice is the unambiguous equivalent of digging deeper while you are already in the hole.

 

I'm sorry, but I feel so strongly about it I have to be that direct. It is anything but damage control. It is adding fuel to the fire.

 

The predicament is that there is absolutely nothing she can do or say, absolutely nothing. It is one of the most profound, appalling 'mind barfs' I have heard in quite some time, probably ever, and to hear it first from the woman you were going to marry, the woman who you would have trusted and respected and expected her to respect and trust you. The horse has bolted and is well and truly running and there will be nothing you can do to rein it in. It will run until it is exhausted and finished and gawd knows where it will end up. Although I am willing to take a punt on it.

 

I was going to add that it is not about whether it is true or not but the fact that it prima facie evidence that the OP can't be TRUSTED to keep personal, intimate secrets and confidences. On that basis, what exactly does it say about the OP?

 

This relationship and engagement is dead, done, kaput. The worst possible scenario would be if it were to continue it's momentum. The outcome would be tragic. 20, 30, 40 years of wariness and distrust, wondering when her next appalling gaff is going to happen and what it will be over or will it just be a repeat of this, or wondering when the "small dick" will eventually be the straw that breaks the camel's back? Don't think so, somehow.

 

Reminds me of the wartime propaganda poster: "Careless whispers cost lives"

Edited July 11, 2013 by pcplod

[pcplod]

Liz

 

Sorry Liz!

 

I know I have just flayed you alive on the forum. It actually was not my intention. What has happened is truly tragic, for both of you. I'm sorry, sorry, sorry, that it has come to this, but I also think you need to be absolutely, completely aware of what the potential ramifications are of what has happened.

 

Maybe I will prove to be completely wrong and at face value that would be nice for both of you. But I think you would have to be prepared to accept that you might arrive at the right outcome for all the wrong reasons.

 

Sorry, again.

[therhythm]

First... address the fact that you publicly humiliated him...

 

Second... address the fact that you have incredibly tacky friends who would even ask such a thing in mixed company.

 

Third... address your problems managing alcohol.

 

Third... do NOT compare him to other men and do not lie. Period. If he insists on knowing how his compares... Tell him all the things you love about his body... and love about his penis... every detail of it...

 

Then give him the best BJ and sex ever to show just how much you love it and him....

 

This is basically the best advise in the whole thread.

 

You screwed up... he has got a terrible hit in his ego and moral... so don't go there anymore. Compliment him and make it about him and not about him vs others.

 

The BJ advise is also pretty good

[Ninjainpajamas]

I think it's going to take a bit more than an apology and some make-up sex to fix this one.

 

Insulting a man for his height, his cooking, his hair, his job, his looks is detrimental...insulting a man for his penis size or performance is brutal.

 

This is going to take some repairing on your part, the guy is already insecure about his penis size and watching porn he probably notices it isn't exactly king kong black man long...so you just stabbed an open wound for him as he already doesn't have the most confidence already in that area.

 

His reaction might be to retaliate or disconnect...I'm not even sure that this is something he can share with a friend, it's embarrassing and humiliating, you basically outed him to everyone that heard you and the 300 people that spread the word after the fact because that's like "WOOOOW!"...that's the kind of shet people don't forget and it's a mega burn, just for mentioning the fact...regardless of whether it's even true or not, you have to think it's relative as well but any man you've slept with that has heard the "news" has breathed a sigh a relief and gave himself a pat on the back...because that's not title a man want's to have.

 

I think you'll obviously need to apologize and reassure him that you love his penis and your sex life together and that you're fully satisfied with it and it's never been an issue for you whatsoever. But it'll take some time and depending on his confidence and how he handles/process this it might be a rough road in terms of trust and acceptance...it might not be something he can fully recover from...but reassuring him that it's never been an issue for you and you want him and nobody else in the bedroom he may slowly repair some the damage you caused...he might not even want to be intimate with you for a while though, you might need to give him time...this really depends on how he takes this...but it's definitely a blow to the gut and this is ultimately damage you can't repair, he'll always remember that comment...and so will everybody else!

 

He might be a bit resentful and lash out because he's hurt...I would definitely give him some space right now to work through those emotions if he needs it and just keep in touch and be open to when he is ready to talk about it.

[CherryT]

Ya, listen up all.

 

OP messed up and said something she should not have said.

 

We can all understand that part and we all know why too.

 

We have all done things that we regret... EVERYONE screws **** up from time to time.

 

I don't hate her, in fact I like her cuz she has talked openly about her fears, etc. She F'd up and admitted it.

 

If her man loves her, he will listen to her and understand her. It may take a little while, but it will be understood.

 

A true, loving relationship doesn't end over this sort of crap.... that's what old R veterans call an "argument". You get mad as hell, you vent it, you talk together and you solve it. If you value the relationship more than your own ego/self, then you solve it and move on.

 

Doesn't sound like penis size is the real issue here, just sayin

 

I don't think this situation is about her fiance's ego or self. It's about her level of respect for her fiance. He already put down his ego to discuss his insecurities with her. And what does she do? She publicly humiliates him in front of a room full of people. Her discretion is the issue.

 

It is not a matter of if he loves her enough, he should forgive her. I would be assessing whether or not SHE loves him enough to not put him in that kind of situation. Yes, discussing his penis size stings. But what really burns is the fact that it wasn't his buddy's joking about it, it's who he thought would be his future wife. What's next? Will she disrespect his career choice? It's her lack of moral values in a relationship and what should or should not be discussed.

 

Oh, and I'm not a saint. I talk about sex with my best friend. We don't go into detail, because we both have relationships with each others SO and we're all good friends. It's almost like hearing a sex story about your brother. It's freakin' weird. But the point is, I want to marry him because I am madly in love with him. I know we're not perfect and there are areas we can work on (as all couples do) but it's not something we air out to our friends. It's not needed and we don't need their help. We work through it as a couple. If my SO was having issues with his career, would I blurt it out to a room full of people? No! It's something a partner, spouse, couple is suppose to support each other through. It's not something to use to expose and humiliate them with.

[white]

A sense of perspective, please.

 

Imagine sitting down in 40 years talking about your old boyfriends. Or he's talking about old girlfriends. Maybe with your adult children. Maybe with friends. You get to each other. You say about how serious it was and how much you loved each other. Marriage was on the table. They say, what happened?

 

And you say, I got drunk and said his dick was kinda small/she got drunk and said my dick was small.

 

Is that going to sound like a valid reason for the dismantling of your relationship to your audience? It sounds comically petty, to be honest.

 

More to the point, the massive responses and the outraged condemning tone here really reveals the wider zeitgeist of this forum's attendees. A guys dick got called small. It probably is. Big ****ing deal. She's already said she doesn't care. People can get drunk and say far, FAR meaner things that can wound on a much deeper level, deliberately. Newsflash: your dick is probably small. Even if it's massive, you wouldn't be here if that was relevant to your relationships, would you? My dick is distinctly average. It impresses nobody. This doesn't bother me. Being told so doesn't bother me, although I admit that's only happened in private conversation, never at a party.

 

Some serious insecurities, and women who clearly have too much experience of that insecurity, on here, to support the concept as you have all done that this woman has committed an unspeakable crime and her relationship in which she was very invested has ended. I very rarely say this because it's trite, but this calls for it: grow up.

[AverageCat]

Like before said.... Burns to even think about it....

Truth be told be ready to get dumped.

I would dump you, not because you hurt me, but because you lack common sense... And stupid people are unattractive.

[Geiss]

A sense of perspective, please.

 

Imagine sitting down in 40 years talking about your old boyfriends. Or he's talking about old girlfriends. Maybe with your adult children. Maybe with friends. You get to each other. You say about how serious it was and how much you loved each other. Marriage was on the table. They say, what happened?

 

And you say, I got drunk and said his dick was kinda small/she got drunk and said my dick was small.

 

Is that going to sound like a valid reason for the dismantling of your relationship to your audience? It sounds comically petty, to be honest.

 

More to the point, the massive responses and the outraged condemning tone here really reveals the wider zeitgeist of this forum's attendees. A guys dick got called small. It probably is. Big ****ing deal. She's already said she doesn't care. People can get drunk and say far, FAR meaner things that can wound on a much deeper level, deliberately. Newsflash: your dick is probably small. Even if it's massive, you wouldn't be here if that was relevant to your relationships, would you? My dick is distinctly average. It impresses nobody. This doesn't bother me. Being told so doesn't bother me, although I admit that's only happened in private conversation, never at a party.

 

Some serious insecurities, and women who clearly have too much experience of that insecurity, on here, to support the concept as you have all done that this woman has committed an unspeakable crime and her relationship in which she was very invested has ended. I very rarely say this because it's trite, but this calls for it: grow up.

 

Well maybe if you were below average and it does bother you and then your girlfriend blabs it out to all her friends in public it would bother you a little bit more. If you are average then you aren't necessarily small so a comment like that wouldn't bother you as much.

 

So you can take your condescension elsewhere. If I was on the receiving end of this I would be very pissed off. She shamed him in public and now he will feel inadequate and doubtful. I would not be surprised if he withdraws. Plus the additional ridicule that he may have to endure because of her slip up. It was a dumb thing for her to do.

 

The best thing she can do is apologize and that's about it. It's up to him if he can get past it.

[BradJacobs]

A sense of perspective, please.

If you were Ian's friend and witnessed the insult would you respect him if he and the OP were still together?

 

I'd be telling my friend to leave someone as classless and disrespectful as the OP.

[Garee123]

Wow! Just wow! Talk about hitting someone below the belt; no pun intended. My best advice would just give him a lot of reassurance. This is some serious damage you've done and it will take a lot of time to mend. Refrain from drinking a lot when you are around him. The drinking will give him bad flashbacks about the event that transpired.

[Keenly]

White, you lost me where you tried to invalidate the mans feelings completely in the situation .

When you said "is that really a valid reason for dismantling the relationship" you are literally telling some one how they SHOULD feel, and I find that incredibly offensive and ridiculous. Its one thing to disagree with something, but when you completely invalidate it altogether, its narcissistic.

 

 

If a girl told me in private my junk was small, I'd be hurt. I'd be sad. I would get over it eventually if she made it clear that she was still satisfied with it. However, if she just blabbed that out to a bunch of people in front of me, I'd be gone.

 

 

Its a respect issue, and telling some one to throw their self worth and self respect out the window because you don't agree with it is asinine.

[GorillaTheater]

I wonder how last night went.

 

I'm guessing not so well.

[JackDrc]

One of my buds dumped a girl for doing basically the same thing. Unless you are a guy, it's impossible to understand. I don't have this problem but I'm 5'9 and if I had a girlfriend and she joked publicly about my height, id be mad but could easily get over it. It's something that is visually evident in public anyway.

 

But if a guy's dick is noticeably shorter or thinner than average( which must be Ian's case because if it was only slightly less than avg, you wouldn't have noticed), believe me he knows it. Short guys can often have a Napoleon complex and small dicked guys can often have a similarly serious complex. When you also consider that the small dick complex is a complex that is directly related to sex, mocking him for it is very serious obviously. Men derive our masculinity from our sexual prowess at least until middle age. This is why men are embarrassed about premature ejaculation or about not being able to get it up. If you had joked about these it would be similarly bad, but those two are performance related issues. They can often be fixed with medication therapy, unlike penis size. Penis size is something that guys are acutely aware of, and you just gave him a metaphorical kick in the balls that I don't know if he can recover from. My bud couldn't recover from it. Every time they had sex after his head was consumed with thoughts of his body rather than hers. He had to break it off. This is potentially as psychologically damaging to Ian as cheating on him and him finding out would have been, because in both cases you indicate to him that you find him inadequate and in this situation you add the factor of public ridicule.

 

You obviously must fully apologize and make up for it somehow, but don't blame it on the alcohol. Alcohol is truth serum. I have never said something drunk that I wouldn't agree with sober. Drunken words are sober thoughts. You're obviously entitled to your opinion but like I said if you were my gf I would dump you over it. Same for infidelity, and I have a lot of patience for mistakes.

Edited July 11, 2013 by JackDrc

[JackDrc]

Interesting point...

 

Anyway, that's quite a flub. He may never get past it. But I've gotta ask, how big is it ? If it's really small he's probably never gonna get over it. If it's just not particularly big, maybe he'll be secure enough to let it go.

 

My dick is 6.5 inches long, and though that's supposedly an inch over average, it feels small. I've been told it's big and/or "fat" on a few occasions but, maybe because of all the porno I've seen, I don't feel like it is.

If his is under 6 I don't expect real acceptance of your mistake from him. Even if he claims it's fine.

 

Serious?

 

5.9 is avg length and 4.8 average girth according to reputable studies involving professional measurement. I'd say that length below 5.5 or girth below 4.25 could be categorized as small. You are above average. Online statistics blah blah but I'm significantly larger and if I was the OP's boyfriend in this situation, I actually wouldn't be upset at all. No joke. I'd just say hahah I'm definitely bigger than average so it's dirt off my shoulder.

 

If OP's boyfriend is normal girth and say 5.7 inches that's probably 45th percentile. Less than average sure but almost no girl would look at it and call it small unless they're a size queen in which case the guy has other issues to deal with it. Comments about this hurt when they are true.

[white]

words

 

Both of them can and will do what they want. This is a forum where people discuss things. FYI. I am telling the OP and people like you what I think just like you are. You and most of the others have been telling OP how she SHOULD feel, and how he SHOULD feel. In your horribly adolescent Magnolia Tom Cruise-style RESPECT THE COCK circle jerk. There's a guy two posts down from me telling you all that a man's masculinity derives from his security over his penis. I literally laughed. And he's only parsing what the entire threads participants seem to feel, men and, more disturbingly, women. And you're telling me I'm narcissistic and asinine.

 

I can't talk to "Ian" from here, he isn't posting. If I could I'd tell him to read this thread and see how mortified she is and forget about it. And maybe hide the liquor from her.

Edited July 11, 2013 by white

[white]

If you were Ian's friend and witnessed the insult would you respect him if he and the OP were still together?

 

I'd be telling my friend to leave someone as classless and disrespectful as the OP.

 

The things I've seen between couples that have stripped both of them of any "respect" from me, the actions I've found unconscionable, a gauche utterance about dick size is the least of it. It's like fat free sugar free gluten intolerant-friendly ****ing vanilla icecream. And they stayed together after. Besides which, what do they care if other people respect them? I thought what mattered was your partner.

[JackDrc]

There's a guy two posts down from me telling you all that a man's masculinity derives from his security over his penis. I literally laughed. And he's only parsing what the entire threads participants seem to feel, men and, more disturbingly, women. And you're telling me I'm narcissistic and asinine.

 

I can't talk to "Ian" from here, he isn't posting. If I could I'd tell him to read this thread and see how mortified she is and forget about it. And maybe hide the liquor from her.

 

Let's say one of your girl friends is in Ian's situation only the conversation turns to cup size and your friend's bf mocks her for her A cups. I'd tell her to consider breaking up with him because he obviously doesnt respect her.

What would you think? No big deal?

 

In reality the analogy isn't great because girls can't tell dick size through clothing but you can get a rough idea of cup size (push up bras notwithstanding). The sheer number of women getting boob jobs tells me that they feel similar to guys with small dicks. Unfortunately for guys with smal ones, they don't have the option of improving their situation through surgery to correct their perceived deficiency. Good girlfriends don't make like this, and neither do good boyfriends.

[Fondue]

Let's say one of your girl friends is in Ian's situation only the conversation turns to cup size and your friend's bf mocks her for her A cups. I'd tell her to consider breaking up with him because he obviously doesnt respect her.

What would you think? No big deal?

 

In reality the analogy isn't great because girls can't tell dick size through clothing but you can get a rough idea of cup size (push up bras notwithstanding). The sheer number of women getting boob jobs tells me that they feel similar to guys with small dicks. Unfortunately for guys with smal ones, they don't have the option of improving their situation through surgery to correct their perceived deficiency. Good girlfriends don't make like this, and neither do good boyfriends.

Boob size is not a fair analogy to use at all.

 

Men's source of "confidence" and also where he is most self conscious about is his junk. It's true.

 

Similarly, women's source of confidence and their most self consciousness comes from their attractiveness. How she looks.

 

So the analogy that might work is, "___________ dick is the smallest" would be lie saying, "_________ is the ugliest girl I ever been with."

 

If the tables were turned and he was asked in front his current gf, "so Ian, who was the ugliest girl you ever been with?" and he just blurted out the OP's name, imagine how ****ty she would have felt?

 

How many women wouldn't break up with their SO after that one? Seriously. Not too many.

 

I would totally understand if he dumped her over this.

[JackDrc]

Boob size is not a fair analogy to use at all.

 

Men's source of "confidence" and also where he is most self conscious about is his junk. It's true.

 

Similarly, women's source of confidence and their most self consciousness comes from their attractiveness. How she looks.

 

So the analogy that might work is, "___________ dick is the smallest" would be lie saying, "_________ is the ugliest girl I ever been with."

 

If the tables were turned and he was asked in front his current gf, "so Ian, who was the ugliest girl you ever been with?" and he just blurted out the OP's name, imagine how ****ty she would have felt?

 

How many women wouldn't break up with their SO after that one? Seriously. Not too many.

 

I would totally understand if he dumped her over this.

 

Yeah I agree with you actually on ugly being a better analogy than small chested. I can't understand the women who have little problem with what this girl did and are trying to rationalize or explain it away. I mentioned earlier in thread that just as you said, the ultimate source of confidence in a straight guy (not commenting on gay guys bc I'm not) is their package. Not just its size, but how well it works. My dad's a urologist specializing in erectile dysfunction and at least one patient a month will break down and cry. They tell him they feel like less of a man because they can no longer please their wives, and most of them are 50+. If those guys derive confidence from their packages then it's even more so for young guys, especially in this day and age.

 

That female poster who mocked me upthread for suggesting the dick is the thig that's most important to a guy... she's part of the problem. I like your analogy but maybe an equivalent one would be this: woman has had a mastectomy to treat breast cancer and is in remission. At the time she only has one breast. Ther talking about breasts at a party and the woman's husband blurts out that his wife only has one breast and then everyone laughs about it...