youngnlove89 Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 My body has become a crime scene. My mouth has become the evidence that I can’t speak of. My eyes have become the witness, my soul the victim. My suppressed thoughts awaken, albeit not often. It’s a never ending war that I fight to forget. My fear is that I will forever harbor this immense question that I’ll never know the answer to. Why me? Him walking up the stairs Me opening up the door Us sitting on the couch Him touching me What are you doing, I asked him. Please, he begged. Get off of me. Don’t touch me. He dragged me to the room My legs burned from the rub of the carpet I told him my roommate would be home He said be quiet or I’ll regret it His dirty hands on me, every curve He shut my bedroom door. Locked it Pushed me on the bed, face down Pulled down my pants… Blur. Blur. Blur. I don’t want to remember, but I do I can’t tell you. All I could think about was how no one was there to stop him. Everyone was living their life around mine. I was in this shadow in the corner of the world that no one would have known about if left unspoken. He picked up his pants Put them on Cleaned up Used my towel I laid there dead He threw me my underwear To cover what was done I thought about my friends How they would feel I thought about my mom How she would hurt I thought about my boyfriend How he wasn’t around No one was there No one knew I mine as well have been dead This madness has stretched thick over my body. This anger has shielded the happiness I should feel. Betrayal has rewritten my thoughts. He grabbed his keys He said, call me sometime Walked out The door remained unlocked I wish someone would finish this curse Walk in now, I’m not scared anymore I have been trying to hang on since. Each day a testament to which I’ve tried, secretly suffering as quietly as possible so that you could feel as though I’m happy, that I’m okay. In truth, I’m nothing more than a body filling space so that my absence would not be heard of. Truth is I’m already gone.
ParetoPrinciple Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 Wow such imagery. You have quite a way with words. I read your other posts especially "Ill tell you how it ends". For the first time in a few days I feel a bit better... Thanks. I think I actually smiled. You are an answer to a prayer! 1
xxoo Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 Hey youngnlove... I'm listening. I wish I could be more helpful, but if you have more to get out, I'm listening. The truth is, you speak for women with no voice. xxoo 3
mtnbiker3000 Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 Not sure what your deal is. When I first heard from you back in April/May, you were a wreck over the ex. Unable to stay NC, but unable to communicate. Just a wreck. Everyday posting threads like this one. Everyday being given support and advice, but ignoring it and SUFFERING, bad. Then you disappeared. A few weeks ago you stated you have been happily BACK TOGETHER since Feb?? I'm confused....
bdizzle Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 Unfortunately this has nothing to do with her ex/boyfriend. She's referring to her sexual attacker. 2
Els Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 Oh, YL, I had no idea. So sorry to read about this (if I'm guessing what you're talking about correctly). On a lighter note, you really do have a way with words - your opening post really struck some chords within me. Poignant, heartfelt, moving. Ever considered being a writer? 3
Author youngnlove89 Posted July 11, 2013 Author Posted July 11, 2013 Thank you. I usually can only write well when I'm in pain...the better the writing, the more pain I'm in. So I don't know if I'd want a career in that. lol I am hurting. I am screaming inside and I so badly want to tell someone, but every time I try I can't. I just can't. The words don't come out. I freeze. Like something inside me shields my words. Last night I was with my boyfriend and he was laying next to me. I wanted so badly to shout out "help me!" but I couldn't. I just felt like ice. Frozen. And I get these INTENSE warming, electrifying goosebumps that cover my whole body every time I hold it in. It's really weird. I just can't speak up. I'm just digging this whole deeper and deeper. I'm afraid I'll never get out. (and for mtnbiker, we started working on things again in Feb, and we were off and on again for a little, then now we have been pretty steady. and I haven't "disappeared", I've been posting, just not in breakups) 1
Els Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 Ugh. This is why "men" (liberal use of quotation marks here) like that anger me like nothing else. Making an innocent girl go through everything you've been through since that day. And for what? Sexual release? A power trip? Castration should be mandatory punishment for this crime. But, I don't want to derail your thread. Just know that we genuinely sympathize with you, and I really hope that one day, you'll manage to put the nightmares aside and go on with life. Is there nobody at all you can talk to IRL about this? 3
Author youngnlove89 Posted July 11, 2013 Author Posted July 11, 2013 Ugh. This is why "men" (liberal use of quotation marks here) like that anger me like nothing else. Making an innocent girl go through everything you've been through since that day. And for what? Sexual release? A power trip? Castration should be mandatory punishment for this crime. But, I don't want to derail your thread. Just know that we genuinely sympathize with you, and I really hope that one day, you'll manage to put the nightmares aside and go on with life. Is there nobody at all you can talk to IRL about this? I agree. It's not fair. And I'm sure he is just fine and dandy, doesn't phase him. He did text me about a month after and said "sorry, he never meant to hurt me" I told him to "f off" I have tried to talk to my boyfriend about it, he listens. But it's hard because I don't want to bring him down with me. He was there for me when it happened so he gets emotional. so I try not to bring it up around him. He gets angry and then plots on how to hurt this guy. My mom and I talked about it a little. It was too painful though and embarrassing. I found out that she was also raped when she was younger. Made me extremely sad and angry. No one else understands. No one. No one gets why I'm emotionally unstable, how some days I'm okay and others I want to die. I have ups and downs and lately it's been a daily thing. I just want to take a xanax and go to sleep. 1
therhythm Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 I wanted to cry reading your original post, I am not a very sensible person and I don't cry usually but I almost couldn't contain the tears and the rage. I feel ashamed of being a man when I hear this kind of things, you need to be less than human to abuse someone in such a way. YL you have all my sympathy, I would hate the idea that this guy goes unpunished, please tell me you reported him, he is a walking danger for other women too. I don't know what to say to you... just please realize that it was not your fault, no matter what any voice in your head may tell you, it wasn't your fault, he used your trust and his bigger strength to take from you something you were not willing to give him. He is a monster! You have my love! 3
Author youngnlove89 Posted July 11, 2013 Author Posted July 11, 2013 I wanted to cry reading your original post, I am not a very sensible person and I don't cry usually but I almost couldn't contain the tears and the rage. I feel ashamed of being a man when I hear this kind of things, you need to be less than human to abuse someone in such a way. YL you have all my sympathy, I would hate the idea that this guy goes unpunished, please tell me you reported him, he is a walking danger for other women too. I don't know what to say to you... just please realize that it was not your fault, no matter what any voice in your head may tell you, it wasn't your fault, he used your trust and his bigger strength to take from you something you were not willing to give him. He is a monster! You have my love! thank you so much. i think i hold a lot of regret since i didn't press charges. i got too scared of him. i got scared of having to tell my story over and over. and now i feel guilty that he is walking around and could possibly harm another girl. and i feel somewhat guilty of that...i'd be part of the reason for the next girls rape...if only i had the strength to report him. that hurts me that i'm not brave or strong enough to do what is right.
TaraMaiden Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 Have you had counselling? Have you spoken to a professional psychologist? You could do a lot worse than copy/paste/print what you have written, and show it to them, if you find it hard to orally articulate. Does writing help you in any way? It seems not, because you still manifest the difficulty of day-to-day existence.... What do you think would help you to begin to deal with this catastrophe? 2
Author youngnlove89 Posted July 11, 2013 Author Posted July 11, 2013 Have you had counselling? Have you spoken to a professional psychologist? You could do a lot worse than copy/paste/print what you have written, and show it to them, if you find it hard to orally articulate. Does writing help you in any way? It seems not, because you still manifest the difficulty of day-to-day existence.... What do you think would help you to begin to deal with this catastrophe? I don't like therapists. I don't know them. It's really hard to show them such a personal side to myself when I don't know anything about them. Writing helps momentarily. But it always resurfaces. What do you think would help you to begin to deal with this catastrophe? The end. Just sleeping forever.
therhythm Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 thank you so much. i think i hold a lot of regret since i didn't press charges. i got too scared of him. i got scared of having to tell my story over and over. and now i feel guilty that he is walking around and could possibly harm another girl. and i feel somewhat guilty of that...i'd be part of the reason for the next girls rape...if only i had the strength to report him. that hurts me that i'm not brave or strong enough to do what is right. I don't think it would be good idea to press charges anymore since I don't think you may have any evidence anymore of what happened but if you would have evidence then all the pain you may have would be worth to save another girl to go through the same you have gone. I don't think you should feel guilt for anything, you are the victim, he is the monster, every person copes with this situations in a different way. If you don't feel strong enough to press charges then don't do it... I just hate the idea of him walking free without having to pay for being the monster he is... but your well being worth much more than his punishment for me!
Author youngnlove89 Posted July 11, 2013 Author Posted July 11, 2013 I don't think it would be good idea to press charges anymore since I don't think you may have any evidence anymore of what happened but if you would have evidence then all the pain you may have would be worth to save another girl to go through the same you have gone. I don't think you should feel guilt for anything, you are the victim, he is the monster, every person copes with this situations in a different way. If you don't feel strong enough to press charges then don't do it... I just hate the idea of him walking free without having to pay for being the monster he is... but your well being worth much more than his punishment for me! Thank you. I'm just focusing on the day. One day at a time. Hopefully the pain will pass soon.
TaraMaiden Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 I don't like therapists. I don't know them. It's really hard to show them such a personal side to myself when I don't know anything about them. Writing helps momentarily. But it always resurfaces. The end. Just sleeping forever. I was raped as a young girl, by a close friend of the family. I'm now in my 50's, and I grant you it was not an easy incident to surmount. I don't know when this happened to you....But I was afforded a strategy which, with some dedication and concentration, actually helped me to process the incident differently....
Author youngnlove89 Posted July 11, 2013 Author Posted July 11, 2013 I was raped as a young girl, by a close friend of the family. I'm now in my 50's, and I grant you it was not an easy incident to surmount. I don't know when this happened to you....But I was afforded a strategy which, with some dedication and concentration, actually helped me to process the incident differently.... It happened Feb 3 of this year. What strategy?
TaraMaiden Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 Yes, I was editing my post.... You have had no counselling, no therapy and no type of professional support - do you wonder that barely 4 months later, you still have these thoughts and feelings? Dear God woman, please - be honest with those in a position to help you, and get help. There are crisis counsellors who will give you the support you need... There are some things you cannot accomplish on your own.
Author youngnlove89 Posted July 11, 2013 Author Posted July 11, 2013 I know. I just have no energy. My feelings are my own fault. I know I could do something about it. But where do I find the energy. And now unfortunately, my boyfriend got a glimpse of this poem as he dug in my personal stuff. Now I don't know how he feels about it. He just told me he read it. I'm embarrassed. He deserves to be with someone who is happy.
TaraMaiden Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 I know. I just have no energy. My feelings are my own fault. Not necessarily. Your feelings have been brought about by the abusive behaviour of someone else - someone who violated your most precious intimacy on the cruellest level possible. You may be responsible for your feelings, but that you have them is natural, understandable and right.... I know I could do something about it. But where do I find the energy. You afford yourself the strength of someone who loves you and find 'energy' that way. Through the supportive actions of someone who genuinely loves you. let them do something about it, with you. Guide them, but let them do 'the leg-work'. People who love you, want to help you. While you close off these avenues, they are helpless to do so, and that hurts them too.... And now unfortunately, my boyfriend got a glimpse of this poem as he dug in my personal stuff. Now I don't know how he feels about it. He just told me he read it. I'm embarrassed. He deserves to be with someone who is happy. And you deserve to be happy. You deserve to be that person. He wants to be with you... Why would you be embarrassed? He loves you and probably feels dreadful knowing what you experienced - at the will of someone you obviously know - but you will do nothing for yourself - so he knows not how best to help you breathe again....Don't shut him out. 4
Author youngnlove89 Posted July 11, 2013 Author Posted July 11, 2013 Not necessarily. Your feelings have been brought about by the abusive behaviour of someone else - someone who violated your most precious intimacy on the cruellest level possible. You may be responsible for your feelings, but that you have them is natural, understandable and right.... You afford yourself the strength of someone who loves you and find 'energy' that way. Through the supportive actions of someone who genuinely loves you. let them do something about it, with you. Guide them, but let them do 'the leg-work'. People who love you, want to help you. While you close off these avenues, they are helpless to do so, and that hurts them too.... And you deserve to be happy. You deserve to be that person. He wants to be with you... Why would you be embarrassed? He loves you and probably feels dreadful knowing what you experienced - at the will of someone you obviously know - but you will do nothing for yourself - so he knows not how best to help you breathe again....Don't shut him out. You always know what to say to make one feel better. I told him I was sorry he had to read that and that he deserves to be with someone who makes him happy. Why stick around with someone like me anyways.. He said, "because I love you." It was the simple words that my heart has been aching for. Something to help momentarily close the wound that has been gushing out sadness. To know that someone loves me despite what has happened to me. To know that he will stick this out with me is enough for me to find the courage to take the path to recovery. I think that's the greatest thing about love. 1
TaraMaiden Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 Yes it is. And I bet if you were to say the simple words to him - "Help me", He would do anything for you, and ask you how. Tell him to not focus on the man. Tell him to focus on you, and support you while you create a whole you again. That strategy? I'll PM you..... 2
pteromom Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 I have been there too and I am sorry you had this happen to you. .........hug......... It is NOT your fault. There is NOTHING for you to feel ashamed, guilty, or responsible for. This was HIS fault. ALL his. 2
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