napyttap Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 First time poster and would greatly appreciate some considered advice. My girlfriend of 8 months broke up with me about a month ago. I'm 21 and she's 20, we've both had dating history, but we were each other's first true loves. We were very much in sync, very functional, had wonderful sexual chemistry and attraction and just took things as they came. Never a fight, never a problem, just very loving and happy. The more I look back on it, the more it just seems impossible for me to have picked. So the story. On the Saturday I go to meet her after work as she's meant to be staying at mine, and they're shut and she's not there. So I call and call and no answer. Maybe she's at her friends? Who knows. So I send her a message letting her know where I am and start walking home (she worked not far from where I live). Then suddenly I get this tap on my shoulder. It's her (let's call her Ms X). And she looks like she's been crying and she can't speak. Of course I race through every scenario (what's wrong? is everything ok?) and after she calms down, she tells me she's been thinking about being single lately. I'm in immediate shock, but I try to deal with it rationally. I ask her if she was still happy and still loved me, and she said yes. So I reasoned why leave when we're happy and we love each other? She said she needed some space for a few days, so I said my goodbyes and waited to hear from her. Then Monday night I get a call. It's Ms X. I could already pick her decision in her voice. She came over to mine and we sat down and talked. I just couldn't understand why she was willing to walk away. I asked her how long she'd honestly been feeling this way and she said a week. She went from 'I love you and you're the best thing to happen to me' to wanting to leave me in a week? I asked her if there was anyone else. And she said yes. She'd been finding herself attracted to a guy at work and feeling guilty about it. I said it was perfectly normal to have attraction to other people, there's no reason to feel guilt. But she was convinced that this wasn't going to go away, that it would keep eating at her. Still very much blinded by love and shock, I suggested a break where we see other people. She thought it was only a physical attraction and said she still loved me so we agreed on the plan. I immediately felt uncomfortable and a couple of days later we agreed we just couldn't do it. I was so heartbroken and confused. We spent one final night and day together at her house, and it was so bittersweet. We had a shower together and she started crying because it was the first place I told her I loved her. Then I said my goodbyes. She said she needed some space and even though this was a break up we would talk again in a few weeks. So I see her in a few weeks time, and the longer we're apart, the more apparent it became to me that this guy might be very much in the picture. They work together every weekend, she had an attraction to him, I'm sure that attraction had probably been there for a while. Sure enough she confirms that she's been seeing him. She waited barely a week! I was crushed. She insisted that she only realised she had feelings for him after she left me and that it just happened. But to turn around so quickly like that, it made our relationship feel so utterly devalued in my eyes. It wounded me so deeply. She espoused commitment and then left so suddenly. I felt like I didn't know her anymore. I told her I couldn't speak to her for a long time, maybe ever, while I dealt with what happened. I trusted her unconditionally, I knew she went jamming with the guy the week in which we broke up and I didn't blink twice because I trusted so much in what we had. She insists there's nothing I could've done differently. And that I was an amazing boyfriend. But now I just feel so hopelessly inadequate. How could someone who seemed so in love with me leave so quickly. The guy in question is a talented musician, older, very outgoing, attractive, a real force of personality. So of course I can only determine that as soon as he showed interest she flipped and thought she could do better. She insists that it's just a question of him being different, not better, but I don't know how much I believe her. We were so good in each other's space, I got on really well with her family, why else would she leave if she said everything was fine and there's nothing I could've done, unless I just wasn't good enough? Or this guy is just better? My confidence has taken a real damaging hit. A lot of people have insisted that her background is a determinant, and that a girl like her pushes away relationships that become comfortable, and that the guy was a catalyst rather than the main factor. To put a long story short, she moved out at 16 due to an emotionally abusive mother, and has had a history of anxiety and confidence issues as a result. She was just this beautiful, wounded girl who was so bandaged and I had the pleasure of unwrapping them and seeing her blossom. I was so determined to show her people are going to love her for who she is and not hurt her in this life, that the way people have treated her has never been her fault. She was shy when I met her but there was an instant spark and we hit it off immediately. I remember she hadn't seen her mum in years, and she took me up to see her, which felt like such a big deal and place of trust in me. But now I feel like perhaps she grew in confidence and outgrew me? I still maintain she's a good person and I could never, ever hate her for what she did but I've found it so hard to reconcile what she did with the girl I got to know so much better than most. Maybe I'll never know the answer why? Maybe I didn't have enough to keep her? I guess if anyone has had similar experience or seen this happen before it would be great. I can't stress enough that after analysing what happened and looking for red flags, that her behaviour in that final week couldn't be attributed to problems with our relationship, i.e. going home sick from the library one afternoon, seeming tired on the phone. She was so genuine in displaying her love for me so questioning whether it was all real causes me too much pain, and she insists it was. I guess the sticking points are that she moved on so quickly, and that she moved to someone with so many qualities, so I can't determine whether it was him, her emotional background or a combination of things. And the trust thing is incredibly hard right now, because there was nothing wrong with the actual relationship that caused this and it blindsided me so badly, how do I know it won't happen to me again. Also I failed with the no contact, the fact it was so up in the air and there was a lack of a definitive answer meant I couldn't help but try and reach out. And for her to seem so cold after feeling like I meant the world to her just ripped right through me. Any advice is much appreciated, sorry for the length! This is about as brief a synopsis as I could manage!
steveT95 Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 I'm sorry, someone will give you better advice, I haven't read anything but the title. GIG is an excuse. I know you're hurting and you're looking for answers so this may be a bit harsh. But it isn't GIGs, she left you and if she comes back for whatever reason it is out of fear of the unknown not love of the known. She left you once, if she had the love that you deserve from her, she wouldn't have done it at all. This may sound harsh to say but the sooner you accept she is gone the sooner you can start to move on and build a new BETTER life. Stay strong and good luck!!
Hoaks Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 I feel for you man, and you have a right to question if her love for you was real towards the end. Its very confusing when this happens. But it does sound like she checked out of the relationship earlier. I think you need to go no contact and let her see what she is missing. Being young she will at one stage want to try something different. You need to be thankful she was honest with you and didnt keep you in the background for months stringing you along. I think she will end up missing your relationship if you go nc.
for666 Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 gigs is not an invention its real! deal with it thousand of people say it is When they are the dumpers! and thousands of those dumpers regret it later! you'r story is interesting i must say similar to mine i date'd for 7 month she was shy and not outgoing and all was good i had relationships before but in some way i felt this one completed me she broke up with me for no reason whats so ever! noting that i did wrong i'm not jeles person i'm not pressuring ,noting of that kind well lets say it easy i didn't abuse her and treated her with respect and encouraged her in anyway and any decision! and i guess you did the same btw im still here wondering the same question if it GIGS but gigs uselly after a year or two so its problematic but i must consider the fact that it's her first long term relationship and i guess its her two ( you 2) so i cant say for shore it's gigs but problem is my didn't change me for a man.... and the signals are def rant from yours, my 6 month past and she is still alone THO she got HIT allot by guys but from what i see she loves the attention now.. it seems she is in love with him and not with you cos she got used to you it looks like GIGS cos she wanna try out with him and see how it go's and you are on hold if it wont work good with him she gonna get back to you but you wanna hope for that? i mean man its hard i know i crushed till now cos its hard NOT KNOWING wtf went wrong and believe me noting is wrong... now in order to get her back or even to have a chance to get her back you have to GO NC noting can change her mind now she is thinking of him and you are there to help how she gonna miss you if you are always there? think about it.. do you miss you'r mom if she calls you each day? no but 1 week NC and you gonna call you'r mom don't you? same thing with her go NC be nice if she calls you but don't give any signs you miss her you just must if she want you back she gonna flip the world for that and you gonna notice it and yes i think she have GIGS she just got attention and wanna try something new and it have noting to do with you you are amazing and great person and if you Believe in it EVERYONE including her gonna believe it and she gonna regret it for ever now don't hope for her move on you just must! you must be happy just think about maby you gonna find a new person wonderful even MORE if you wait you gonna miss something new KNOCKING on the door so move on if you both meant for each other You will get back together but move on and try to enjoy what is now past is past future is future and future can hold treasures! the past are just memories
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