Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted July 13, 2013 Share Posted July 13, 2013 He decided he was a sex addict, came clean about what really happened in the past- it was NOT "one time with one girl"- it was a lot of times with a lot of girls, online dating on plenty of fish, ashley madison, craigslist, backpage, massage parlors, etc. etc. Since that day a month or so ago he has been going to sex addict meetings and reading books and going to some therapist. And I bought a gazillion books joined a support group and got a new therapist. And came here to write mini novels. Not married, no kids together, no ties that bind - why would you even consider staying with this guy? Do you enjoy the challenge? Do you feel the need to save him? Do you feel this is all you deserve? Assuming you are in your 40s and so is he, you will be in your 60s by the time he is fixed, if ever. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted July 13, 2013 Share Posted July 13, 2013 I feel for you. I've long felt that there are two requirements for a successful reconciliation: (1) A truly remorseful wayward partner and (2) A truly forgiving betrayed partner. You can't have #2 come before #1. And it may take you years to know if you have a truly remorseful wayward on your hands. What I see most of the time is a wayward that is not so much remorseful as they are caught up in damage control with a mixture of guilt and obligation thrown in. It takes a remarkable amount a patience to stick around like enough to figure out what you're dealing with. And if you find you have a truly remorseful one, then you have to work on figuring out if you can truly forgive. They are both very tall orders. When you have years of shared history, shared lifestyle/assets, and children together then I can understand people trying to make it work. But when you're not married and have no children together? And he's been a serial cheater? Heck, my vote is to just get outta there. Hopefully he can get himself fixed up and be a healthy partner for someone someday. But I don't think it's your job to nurse him for years in hopes that he might someday be a good partner for you, especially when you've been around the block with this guy once already. And yeah, I'd really hate to see you back here three years from now saying, "Hey, guess what?!" Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted July 13, 2013 Share Posted July 13, 2013 I feel like I got a dog at the shelter and it was great and I fell in love with him and he loved me back and then one day he turned on me and attacked me and put me in the hospital and now I have to either bring him back to the shelter or put up with a sick broken dog forever and watch my back and it is SO HARD. No, it's not like this at all. It's like that dog always was wanting to bite you, always thinking about it, all the time acting like he loved you back, not at all like all of a sudden he changed one day and turned on you. He was turned on you from the beginning, only that darn dog kept it to himself until he couldn't help himself anymore. The part about having to put up with a sick broken dog forever and watch your back is probably true. True sex addiction is deeply psychological, rooted somewhere in his past, how he chose to cope with something that happened to him or how others treated him and what he gets out of it. It's a compulsion. It might not be curable. I don't believe there is a high cure rate for sexually-related compulsions. I don't think they ever go away completely. Look it up. Link to post Share on other sites
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 13, 2013 Share Posted July 13, 2013 It must be hard, finding out he has this whole life. Is a person you didn't know. I do think SA is real, I mean, a person develops coping mechanisms that work for them, drinking, drugs, over eating, exercise, porn, video games, whatever happens to "work" -- until it doesn't. Or more accurately until the consequence outweighs the benefits. But for the SO who is impacted by this...do you want to be in a relationship where you have to police or protect yourself, maybe forever? I do believe that addicts can get better, but it is a commitment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betterthanthis13 Posted July 13, 2013 Author Share Posted July 13, 2013 No, it's not like this at all. It's like that dog always was wanting to bite you, always thinking about it, all the time acting like he loved you back, not at all like all of a sudden he changed one day and turned on you. He was turned on you from the beginning, only that darn dog kept it to himself until he couldn't help himself anymore. The part about having to put up with a sick broken dog forever and watch your back is probably true. True sex addiction is deeply psychological, rooted somewhere in his past, how he chose to cope with something that happened to him or how others treated him and what he gets out of it. It's a compulsion. It might not be curable. I don't believe there is a high cure rate for sexually-related compulsions. I don't think they ever go away completely. Look it up. I know. If, in fact, it does qualify as an "addiction", it cannot be cured and most people who claim to suffer from it can not manage it without "relapsing" over and over throughout their lifetime. Any sort of long term relationship is a complete joke. I've spent the last month doing nothing but research on this topic and talking to people. Aside from that, (and coming up with asinine diabolical schemes to solve infidelity and get rid of the AshleyMadison website, just for fun) I've gotten my résumé together, applied to several jobs out of state, discussed breaking my lease with my landlord, filled out a FAFSA and looked into the possibility of going to grad school, and this weekend im going to clean out my garage to see what i have for a yard sale at some point soon. I'm getting there. At least I don't have rabies. Checked with the doc. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betterthanthis13 Posted July 13, 2013 Author Share Posted July 13, 2013 My current outlook is this. I am not the FBI. I am not the police. I am not interested in becoming either of those things. This whole thing sucks and I didn't ask for any of it and I don't want it either. He did a lot of bad things with his life and neglected to inform me about them and I am in a state of disarray. I am in the process of arming myself with as much information as possible. I need to know what all my options are. That is step 1. That's where I am at. I'm trying to keep the wallowing to a minimum. Some days are harder than others. It's only been a month. Step 2 is is action. Things can't stay the same. I need to do what is best for me. Right now my situation is unhealthy. I am going to do what is best for me. Things are not good for me right now so I am going to change them. Did I say yet that I am going to do what is best for me? Not gonna wait around for someone to change anything for me. Staring at rocks all day long won't change them into diamonds. Even if you yell at them, or cry, bat your eyelashes at them. They will still be rocks. Superman can turn them into diamonds with his super strength. I am not superman. I'm just some chick. I am being supportive of his efforts to treat his sex addiction. I am neither hiding nor openly sharing my developing plans for myself. They are not fully formed yet. I have let him know, however, that this crap is not what I want from my life and he can do whatever he wants with that information. Maybe he thinks that he can fake a good recovery and fake a relationship with me and we can go back to me being a chump. Maybe he will get sick of pretending to be sorry and go bother someone else. Who knows. All undetermined at this point. I'm just staying focused on myself. He can do whatever he wants. Not my problem. He has done whatever he wants up to this point in time anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
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