JourneyLady Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 I read a lot here. It seems to me that by and large, people that you meet on dating sites etc., are more likely to have some kind of problem (married, emotionally unavailable, commitment phobic or just plain nuts) than people you meet through friends or hobby groups. When I met the ex-bf#1 after my divorce, he did have a lot of friends who liked him so I felt fairly safe. Turned out he was heavily medicated bi-polar and basically emotionally unavailable. It still might have been workable except for 1. Sexual incompatibility and 2. He had a tendency to go behind my back communicating with females I knew were flirting with him even while maintaining an appearance of ability to commit. But he did have a lot of friends of both sexes and therefore a certain dependability. Ex-bf#2 - He had no current and present friends, although a bevy of female ex-coworkers and "wish he coulda date them" in the background and only online. I got to meet only one of them from another country (unfortunately after I was in love with him) and many times she tried to give me the message he wasn't good enough for me. She went so far as to say they had been hesitant to let me in their online group because none of them felt he could last with anyone and didn't want problems if/when he broke up. He has a pattern of getting all motivated when he's single, but when tied to a relationship, suddenly his chronic health problems set in and he stops wanting to go anywhere, gets depressed, gets irritated easily and gets back into the pot thing. Break up with him, and it's not long before he's out there going to group things, trying to get with women, and generally disguising himself as a really reliable and healthy person. Which he is not while "tied down" to one woman. In his mind, he hasn't found "the right one" yet, but he was pretty certain I was the right one until it went on long enough that he knew he had me hooked. I've read the book about "Men who can't love" and he pretty much had all the symptoms. The thing is, I know if I had met him in a group of folks instead of off by himself, it's likely someone could have told me his history and patterns. I know that doesn't prevent poor relationships, but it seems to me a safer bet than just meeting someone online. So for myself, even though I have an online profile, I have decided I will take no prospects seriously until I have met a whole group of their friends and gotten their go-ahead signals as well as knowing them for quite some time. The first ex-bf did have a lot of friends, although they couldn't have known about his emotional unavailability problems, since they weren't in a relationship with them. Still, he was safer overall than #2. So would most of you agree that online prospects are more likely to have some kind of problem than the normal channels of meeting people through other people?
FitChick Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 So would most of you agree that online prospects are more likely to have some kind of problem than the normal channels of meeting people through other people? No. I met dysfuntional guys like that when I was younger, dating in real life. Can't say I've had your problems with online dating, so I prefer it. Everyone has to do what works for them. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 I met my boyfriend a little over a year ago on a dating site. He's about the furthest from a player you can get, and a catch by every measure. He decided to try online dating because he's an introvert who hates the bar and club scene - just like me 2
soccerrprp Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 No. I met dysfuntional guys like that when I was younger, dating in real life. Can't say I've had your problems with online dating, so I prefer it. Everyone has to do what works for them. Here, here, FitChick! The most (and only truly disturbing) dysfunctional person I've met was not from OLD.
sdraw108 Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 (edited) So for myself, even though I have an online profile, I have decided I will take no prospects seriously until I have met a whole group of their friends and gotten their go-ahead signals as well as knowing them for quite some time. I don't get how this is possible on an online dating site? It's going to seem a bit weird if you insist on meeting all of a date's friends isn't it? Is he just supposed to hang around waiting while you take however much time to get to know his friends and get go-ahead signals from them? Aside from that, interesting post and perspective, even if I do tend to agree with the responses above mine. I've had decent luck with online dating (although it does require a huge amount of effort and patience to get anywhere with it), and two of my friends currently have LTRs from online dates - one has lasted several years so far, the other 6 months and there's early stage talk of marriage. Edited July 11, 2013 by sdraw108 1
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