starlet86 Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 Me and my ex are both in NC. I don't know if he is waiting on me communicating or not, but we are both pretty stubborn and it will be a case of who can hold out the longest IF it is going to be broken. I'm not so sure. The thing is, I want to contact him, but I wont because if he doesn't reply it will make me feel stupid and hurt so much. If he does reply and it isn't how I want him to be, I will beat myself up for texting him and over think it. My question though is; does NC always hurt soooooo much at the start? Is it normal to think about that person ALL the time? Like from the moment you wake up to the moment you go to sleep? Is it normal that even the mention of their name makes your ears prick up? Is it normal that when you hear their voice (I work with him) your stomach flips and you freeze? NC seems to be a lot harder than speaking.
Simon Phoenix Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 Me and my ex are both in NC. I don't know if he is waiting on me communicating or not, but we are both pretty stubborn and it will be a case of who can hold out the longest IF it is going to be broken. I'm not so sure. The thing is, I want to contact him, but I wont because if he doesn't reply it will make me feel stupid and hurt so much. If he does reply and it isn't how I want him to be, I will beat myself up for texting him and over think it. My question though is; does NC always hurt soooooo much at the start? Is it normal to think about that person ALL the time? Like from the moment you wake up to the moment you go to sleep? Is it normal that even the mention of their name makes your ears prick up? Is it normal that when you hear their voice (I work with him) your stomach flips and you freeze? NC seems to be a lot harder than speaking. Yes, all of that is normal. And while it might seem harder than speaking at first, it will get you where you want to get a lot quicker than you would if you were in constant contact. As you continue with NC thoughts of them will lessen, triggers such as their name, their voice, a song that reminds you of them, etc. become less startling and it starts to fade into more normalcy. Talking to them is like taking drugs -- sure, it feels great at the moment you take it, but eventually you need more to get that "fix" and you spend all of your time waiting on your next hit. NC is cold turkey. It sucks and can be really painful, but recovery happens a lot quicker. Contact gives you a temporary high, but a more constant, lasting low.
LinkWorshiper Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 Yes, all of that is normal. And while it might seem harder than speaking at first, it will get you where you want to get a lot quicker than you would if you were in constant contact. As you continue with NC thoughts of them will lessen, triggers such as their name, their voice, a song that reminds you of them, etc. become less startling and it starts to fade into more normalcy. Talking to them is like taking drugs -- sure, it feels great at the moment you take it, but eventually you need more to get that "fix" and you spend all of your time waiting on your next hit. NC is cold turkey. It sucks and can be really painful, but recovery happens a lot quicker. Contact gives you a temporary high, but a more constant, lasting low. This is pretty much exactly where I'm at. I put my foot down with my man for some NC because I felt like he was jerking me around with his inability to decide what he wanted. It's been three weeks, and though I did send him a small text two weeks in to tell him I appreciated the space and I was open to talking whenever he was ready, it's now almost four weeks, and I still feel major pain and regret over the whole thing. We had been really rebuilding our friendship at least, and I miss not being able to talk to him so easily. I am terrified that starting NC is going to be his way of picking me out of his life like a get out of jail free card. (He recently blocked me on FB, etc.) Things like this make it seem like it is obvious how he wants it to be, though part of me still hopes that maybe he is just doing things like that so he can really focus on himself and figure out what he wants. I'm still so depressed and I wish I could just let it go and turn off my feelings for him. Even with all the cool things that are starting to happen for me, I hate not even being able to tell him like I might have done if I hadn't decided to be so extreme. I just don't even know where to turn next, because I want to at least have him back in my life, even if not as a lover, and I feel like I ruined it.
lord-christoph Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 Sometimes extreme is what it takes for anything to be solved, whether that is going to be you getting through this and healing, him finding out what he had and that he wants it, for you to find that you don't really want him in the end, or whatever it may be to resolve this or any situation. Yes it is going to be hard, but I imagine it will be like removing a band-aid. You do it fast and the pain is intense but its quick. If you do it slowly you subject to pain that is a little bit less, but lasts much longer. I can't say from experience it gets easier, I've never done it till now, but I have been told countless times it does and even more so if you don't contact. Stay strong and find something to preoccupy your time, find a way to grow as a person from this. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 This is pretty much exactly where I'm at. I put my foot down with my man for some NC because I felt like he was jerking me around with his inability to decide what he wanted. It's been three weeks, and though I did send him a small text two weeks in to tell him I appreciated the space and I was open to talking whenever he was ready, it's now almost four weeks, and I still feel major pain and regret over the whole thing. We had been really rebuilding our friendship at least, and I miss not being able to talk to him so easily. I am terrified that starting NC is going to be his way of picking me out of his life like a get out of jail free card. (He recently blocked me on FB, etc.) Things like this make it seem like it is obvious how he wants it to be, though part of me still hopes that maybe he is just doing things like that so he can really focus on himself and figure out what he wants. I'm still so depressed and I wish I could just let it go and turn off my feelings for him. Even with all the cool things that are starting to happen for me, I hate not even being able to tell him like I might have done if I hadn't decided to be so extreme. I just don't even know where to turn next, because I want to at least have him back in my life, even if not as a lover, and I feel like I ruined it. You think you do, but you don't. Having him as a friend when you want to be his lover is more torture than what you are going through right now. NC isn't supposed to be a walk in the park. It's supposed to be hard, just like anything else worth doing. You need to stop thinking about what he could be thinking and concentrate on you. That's the point of No Contact. No Contact where you are trying to guess what the other person is thinking about (which is general is one of the biggest wastes of time ever) is worthless. You have to be active in healing yourself. But yeah, my post wasn't meant to give you an excuse to break NC. It's meant to tell you to sack up and continue with it.
LinkWorshiper Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 You think you do, but you don't. Having him as a friend when you want to be his lover is more torture than what you are going through right now. NC isn't supposed to be a walk in the park. It's supposed to be hard, just like anything else worth doing. You need to stop thinking about what he could be thinking and concentrate on you. That's the point of No Contact. No Contact where you are trying to guess what the other person is thinking about (which is general is one of the biggest wastes of time ever) is worthless. You have to be active in healing yourself. But yeah, my post wasn't meant to give you an excuse to break NC. It's meant to tell you to sack up and continue with it. Well, his inability to treat me like a proper friend or be clear about how he felt was why I decided to go NC in the first place. I know I should at least be proud of myself for showing some backbone and telling him that the way he was treating me wasn't okay. But then I started feeling guilty like I was kicking a puppy because I care about him still and I hated feeling like I was hurting him. And I hate that I went from suddenly having him in my life to absolute zero, like I went to square one. He's really important to me, helped me through a lot of things in life and the idea that I cut him loose really, really bothers me. Even though I won't say a word to him still.
Simon Phoenix Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 Well, his inability to treat me like a proper friend or be clear about how he felt was why I decided to go NC in the first place. I know I should at least be proud of myself for showing some backbone and telling him that the way he was treating me wasn't okay. But then I started feeling guilty like I was kicking a puppy because I care about him still and I hated feeling like I was hurting him. And I hate that I went from suddenly having him in my life to absolute zero, like I went to square one. He's really important to me, helped me through a lot of things in life and the idea that I cut him loose really, really bothers me. Even though I won't say a word to him still. First of you, your name change is confusing. Second of all, he cut you loose when he broke up with you.
BC1980 Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 You did the right thing by standing your ground. If he really wants to be with you, he will seek you out in time. Otherwise, he would never have committed to you anyway. It's better to end things in your terms if that is going to be the case. Anyway, standing up for yourself should make you more attractive to him if he wants to be with you. People tend to like people who are strong and can be independent. I know it seems opposite right now, but you really did the best thing for yourself.
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