Can't Seem To Get Over It

[AE1]

Ok. First time posting about my divorce. First time talking about it to strangers.

 

Its been a year since I separated from my ex husband and Aug is officially a year the divorce was final. My story doesn't even seem to compare to what others may have gone through and I realize this, but I can't seem to figure out why it still haunts me.

 

He was my high school boyfriend. We met at 17 and 20. We had relationship issues early on with family. They were big relationship problems, but of course I was young and felt oh we can overcome anything. WRONG. We moved in together at 20 and 23. Bought a cute little house that I loved decorating and updating. It was tough. We both worked and I was in school, but we made it work. We still had all the family problems.

 

At 23 and 26 we got married. 5.5 years after we started dating. A little over 6 months later our relationship changed. Family issues were still there and I guess as my now husband I expected him to handle them differently. Stand up and help solve them. But he didn't he stayed the same. I dont know what happened, but I freaked out thinking my life is always going to be like this... hes not going to be supportive, I was all by myself in the relationship. Being married didnt magically change him (I dont know why I thought it would) We got married in Sept and I moved in with my parents in June. I only took one little suit case.

 

He wouldn't work on anything unless I came back, but I was stubborn. I wanted him to show me things would change. I thought if I went back instantly then he wouldnt see how serious I felt these issues were. About 3 weeks went by and nothing happened so I filed for divorce. we agreed to spend the 31 days trying to work things about. (we are young and obviously didnt make the best decisions) I spent the 31 days trying to think of solutions and if divorce was the answer. He spent the 31 days dating our close couple friends 18 year old sister. At the end of the 31 days he said he wanted the divorce to, marriage was a mistake. Everything was a mess.

 

I didnt argue. I was so upset with everything, I let him have the house and literally everything in it. Even my china, picture frames, dvds, tv, decorative pillows. Anything you can think of I left. I couldnt bare the memories of those things.

 

I have moved on in that I know he wasnt the one. But I cant seem to shake the pain. To make things worse, his dad lives across the street from my parents and he sold our house and now lives with this dad. We havent spoken since the divorce was final and I luckily have yet to run into him. I try to avoid places he may be. Is this wrong? I am so mad at him. I lost so many friends because of this also. My life was turned upside down. I lost my home, my best friend (ex husband), my town, my friends, it felt like everything. i know I dont want him back, but how do I just let it go. I want to be able to not think of it and hurt. I want to be able to walk into a restaurant near home and not check the parking lot first to make sure he isnt there.

 

Any advice. Sorry if my post seems a little hard to read. This is the first time I have put my feelings into words.

 

Thanks,

AE

Edited July 10, 2013 by AE1

[whatintheworld]

It's normal to feel this way, and it WILL get better. It's still very, very fresh. You married young and that can be incredibly hard to maintain. I first married at 19 and while I cared so much for my husband - he was my BEST FRIEND - I realized eventually it was a mistake. I needed more romantic experiences. I hadn't had enough time as an adult in the world to figure out what I wanted. Honestly there are many blessings that will, with time, show themselves. Your pain is intense. Your heart is broken. But you WILL recover, and you will discover many amazing things about being single (truly emotionally independent), and you will have grown so much by going through this pain that you will attract even better and more incredible people in the future.

Edited July 10, 2013 by whatintheworld

[AE1]

Thanks for your response. My problem lately is my family. They say I shouldnt have the feelings I have about my divorce that "its not normal". I dont mope around and I have found things in my life that make me happy. I work and have moved out of my parents house which is a huge accomplishment. But they say I should be over it by now. So, I decided to post and see if others have a tough time getting over their divorces.

[hayewils]

I think its perfectly normal to be feeling what you feel.

Someone said it right on here a few days ago.

The deeper you love someone, the longer the healing process.

My wife has been gone for four months now and although the pain isnt ass intense, i do still miss her and still love her. I have already estimated my healing time to be right about a year and a half.

As gunny said, it takes a good 6-7 months just to crawl out from under the bus weve been thrown under.

When you have been with your "best friend" for that long.

About 10 years for you, it will take time. I do believe the healing process can be quicker if we all had a few more friends. Get out and do stuff.

I hate going anywhere cause like you, i scan the whole area hoping my stbxw isnt near. But again, i think its perfectly normal.

[AE1]

Thanks for the response. It's been a year and family and friends just don't understand why I am still hurt. I had to try something different and I am hoping being able to talk to others will help. I think your right in having a few more friends helps. I know yours is still new. Right after my divorce I thought about it at least every hour if not now. Now I think about once to a few times a day. A big difference. Once it is officially over then you can start dealing with life after divorce

[lovely81]

I also got out of a longterm relationship with similar ages/timeframe, it was my whole world etc. There are many stories that do make you wonder, why does this hurt so bad, when it seems small compared to what others have gone through?

 

Comparing is sort of pointless in any case, but I will say that I think sometimes older people have gone through so much and seen so much worse, that they do not always understand the pain you can be in. I am only six years away and I ran into a 26 year old who had broken up from her five year relationship and even I was like, but you look so happy and cute and have no responsibilities! And frankly all I was thinking too was your relationship sounded terrible, now you get to go out and explore, you're going to have so much fun! Whether any of that is true or not, I'm just saying, maybe that's how the folks around you are thinking. Sometimes you look back at your youth and kind of just erase the bad things and focus on things like, wow you have no white hair, what could be wrong? Or, you're able to book a ticket at a last minute and nothing will stop you. They're all things that are hard to appreciate until you don't have them (at least for me). Okay/end stuff about age.

 

The other thing that resonated with me is you seem to be hard on yourself for not being over it. I also did this, and in hindsight I think I could have benefitted from an understanding counselor. I spent a lot of time feeling guilty that I still thought about the issue, and I wonder if I had had a place where I could talk it out, I wouldn't have beaten myself over not being over it. It will take time. But I don't think our friends and loved ones nec. want to hear it. It probably makes them sad, too, because they just want to take away your pain.

 

Last, it will get better!! You sound like a kind thoughtful person. Keep growing those qualities in yourself, and you will eventually feel it coming back from life. And I cosign doing new activities.

[Steadfast]

Seems many posters here are a year removed from the breakup. It takes (on average) two to five years to recover from divorce, depending.

 

Ironically, family members are seldom the best place to go for council. One, most close relatives will paint the breakup lopsided; you're innocent and the other is all to blame. Heaping everything on one side will slow your healing and actually enable you to make the same mistakes again. In your case, they gave the best advice they could think of, but now stand disappointed because you're still hurting or not 'over it'. Read the above.

 

Recovery is a process mixing the release of anguish and feeling victimized. Self-improvement work involves looking closely at our motivation and how we naturally react to various situations in life. It's an eye-opening experience, but one that allows us to grow into a stronger, smarter person.

 

Like any skill, learning this takes time and patience. Baby steps at first.

 

Love your family, but with a grain of salt. Understand that they love you and just want you to be happy. Be positive around them. My advice is to enlist the council of one to three close, trusted friends who understand not only the importance of being impartial, but the time investment (read: patience) needed. And post here. it's better than paying for therapy.