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Rehasing the can a man and woman be friends when there is attraction, different twist

Babolat

By Babolat
in General Relationship Discussion

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Babolat Established Member

Babolat

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I have been working on being friends with woman, particularly attractive single women (not by choice, just kind of worked out that way).

 

One in patricular has turned into a very good friend. I am attracted to her as she is a beautiful woman, and at first I was wondering "what if". And sometimes I still do; though I truly enjoy our friendship and do not wan to ruin that. I have also spent enough time with her to think we would not work out dating, that it's a great friendship. She tells me I am good looking, an attractive man, though I do not hear it as flirting, just her being open and honest with a friend. She recently told me she has enjoyed getting to know me better over the past few months. She has other male friends she does things with. I have met one of them. She went so far to say "I wish I was attracted to him asIi really like him!"

 

Question: does this mean a man and woman, in this case, cannot be friends? I find her very attractive, even check her out sometimes. I really like our friendship though. We have not talked about boundaries, no need to really as we have never been anything more than friends. She is taking a break from dating and so am I so it's working well for both of us. I have asked myself how would I feel if she started dating someone. My immediate thought is I would not be able to spend as much time with her, not I would lose a potential mate.

 

There is another girl I recently started hanging out with, and I told her just friends. She said the same and said she could control herself. She said she had never had a male friend before. First time out she quietly annouunced she had a bf so I thought she was even safer to hang out with. I even asked her if we continued to hang out could I meet him. Third time hanging out she got touchy feely with me. We went out drinking and dancing. I had a lot of fun with her, I was reserved and did not really reciprocate the touching. I am physically attracted to her too. After that we both announced we were physically attracted to each other. She said she thought she would never have a chance with a man like me, thus she agreed to go out as friends. She started with the sex talk "what if" and lots of flirting over text and in person each time we went out after that. She even starting "what iffing we were to date".

 

I remained reserved, sometimes flirted back. She has since told me we can no longer hang out (sent me an email), that it's not fair to her bf, that she just wants to be friends. She states they were not seeing each other when we started hanging out, she has been trying to break up with him, though he is not taking it well and she does not want to hurt him. I also think whatever her "demand" or issue was with him, he is probably now saying he will change and she is listening. I am ok with that, though now I am a little pissed as I do miss our friendship and I miss hanging out with her. She crossed the boundary we defined up front, ot me. She crossed the boundary, she kept tossing me bones if you will, and I for the most part kept my cool. I did not stop her though. At first I did remind her of our boundary; though alcohol seemed to blur that boundary. There wa snever any romance other than some close dancing on 2 occassions.

 

Question: I would still like to hang out with her, bf or no bf. I miss having fun with her as a friend. There is a band I want to see Friday night, I know she likes them, none of my other friends do, and it would be fun to go see them with her. I have not replied to her email stating we can no longer hang out. I want to, stating no worries about the bf, lets define our boundaries and stick to them and still hang out as friends. Is this possible? I think about the first case above, where we never talked about boundaries, it's just been implied and neither of us has ever done anything to cross that boundary. Why can't it be the way with the 2nd girl? Is it "too late" to go back with her?

 

I am starting to question if I should stop the male/female friendship thing and just stick to my male buds! Honestly though, I have so much more fun with females, especially going out to listen to bands, to dance, and hang out at a bar/club. My male buddys like to go out to pick up woman, which is boring to me.

Edited by Babolat
RedRobin Established Member

RedRobin

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Question: I would still like to hang out with her, bf or no bf. I miss having fun with her as a friend. There is a band I want to see Friday night, I know she likes them, none of my other friends do, and it would be fun to go see them with her. I have not replied to her email stating we can no longer hang out. I want to, stating no worries about the bf, lets define our boundaries and stick to them and still hang out as friends. Is this possible? I think about the first case above, where we never talked about boundaries, it's just been implied and neither of us has ever done anything to cross that boundary. Why can't it be the way with the 2nd girl? Is it "too late" to go back with her?

 

I am starting to question if I should stop the male/female friendship thing and just stick to my male buds! Honestly though, I have so much more fun with females, especially going out to listen to bands, to dance, and hang out at a bar/club. My male buddys like to go out to pick up woman, which is boring to me.

 

Do whatever you like... but it has annoyed me in the past when a guy says they are ok being friends, then dumped me as a friend when they met someone they wanted to date.

 

For that reason, I avoid going the just friends route with men who don't have a history of having other legitimate platonic female friends... No... I don't mean guys with a harem of FWB either... or ones who have lots of ladies in the queue they would like to 'bang'...

 

There is a difference, and I can always tell. The second girl was not a 'friend'... I doubt there will be going back on that one.

 

So, yea... I find both my male and female friendships very rewarding... but do them and you a BIG favor... quit with the flirty, sexy talk with people you claim you want to be friends with and vice versa.

 

... unless you talk that way with your male buds too... :D

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Babolat Established Member

Babolat

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Do whatever you like... but it has annoyed me in the past when a guy says they are ok being friends, then dumped me as a friend when they met someone they wanted to date.

 

For that reason, I avoid going the just friends route with men who don't have a history of having other legitimate platonic female friends... No... I don't mean guys with a harem of FWB either... or ones who have lots of ladies in the queue they would like to 'bang'...

 

There is a difference, and I can always tell. The second girl was not a 'friend'... I doubt there will be going back on that one.

 

So, yea... I find both my male and female friendships very rewarding... but do them and you a BIG favor... quit with the flirty, sexy talk with people you claim you want to be friends with and vice versa.

 

... unless you talk that way with your male buds too... :D

 

Good points.

 

First girl, no sexy talk, no flirting, just friendship talk and we have a lot of things in common we do together. Does the fact that I am physcially attracted to her mean it's not really a friendhsip though? I truly think if she were to make a move on me I would push her back, as I don't think I want to go there with her. I have been at her place, had a few drinks, so the "environment" has been there and neither of us did anything, and I did not want to. I do check her body out though..which makes me wonder.

 

2nd girl, yeah, I think you are right. it all moved very fast too, like over a 4 week period. I wish I could take it back as I do like her as a person.

 

And no, no flirting with my male buds and some of them are gay too! :laugh:

RedRobin Established Member

RedRobin

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Good points.

 

First girl, no sexy talk, no flirting, just friendship talk and we have a lot of things in common we do together. Does the fact that I am physcially attracted to her mean it's not really a friendhsip though? I truly think if she were to make a move on me I would push her back, as I don't think I want to go there with her. I have been at her place, had a few drinks, so the "environment" has been there and neither of us did anything, and I did not want to. I do check her body out though..which makes me wonder.

 

2nd girl, yeah, I think you are right. it all moved very fast too, like over a 4 week period. I wish I could take it back as I do like her as a person.

 

And no, no flirting with my male buds and some of them are gay too! :laugh:

 

As for the bolded... no... I'm physically attracted to a couple of my male friends... but there is no way it would work as a relationship.... one of them is married too... and no way am I going to interfere in someone's relationship.

 

I guess I don't take physical attraction as the be all and end all that some other people do.. I work around all men... if I tried to boff every guy I was physically attracted to, I'd be in a heap of trouble... ha ha.

 

Mostly I take that attraction as a fun feeling. Nothing more... Something to enjoy without taking it any further. Nothing wrong with enjoying the scenery ;)

 

Let me ask though... what makes a relationship out of the question with the 1st lady??

Edited by RedRobin
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Babolat Established Member

Babolat

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Let me ask though... what makes a relationship out of the question with the 1st lady??

 

Good question. She is 45, never married, lots of failed relationships, lots of men have cheated on her. I don't judge her for that, not at all. I just question why. Also, she is very attractive, gets attention from men when we go out. She is social and talks back with men that flirt with her. She was raised by a single mom, dad was not in the picture so I wonder if there are issue there she needs to resolve and maybe I am afraid of getting hurt. I probably study people too much!

 

The cheating exes coupled with that, for some reason, I can't say exactly why, makes me question if I could trust her. I think some of this might be from my past relationship where I may be a bit scarred as I have never thought about trust or cheating before in a relationship. The thing is, we have a lot of fun together, and I wonder if "dating" would change that.

 

In addition, we have been developing a great friendship for over 5 months now...I don't want to ruin that, lose that by moving into a relationship...does that make sense? If it did not work I would lose a great friend.

 

What's strange is she use to date one of my friends. We were more good acquaintances then friends. I thought that would bother me; it does not though. I would see her at different events, parties, etc though we never really talked. I was married at the time, always found her very attractive. She remembers seeing me more out than I do her!

Edited by Babolat
RedRobin Established Member

RedRobin

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Good question. She is 45, never married, lots of failed relationships, lots of men have cheated on her. I don't judge her for that, not at all. I just question why. Also, she is very attractive, gets attention from men when we go out. She is social and talks back with men that flirt with her. She was raised by a single mom, dad was not in the picture so I wonder if there are issue there she needs to resolve and maybe I am afraid of getting hurt. I probably study people too much!

 

The cheating exes coupled with that, for some reason, I can't say exactly why, makes me question if I could trust her. I think some of this might be from my past relationship where I may be a bit scarred as I have never thought about trust or cheating before in a relationship. The thing is, we have a lot of fun together, and I wonder if "dating" would change that.

 

In addition, we have been developing a great friendship for over 5 months now...I don't want to ruin that, lose that by moving into a relationship...does that make sense? If it did not work I would lose a great friend.

 

What's strange is she use to date one of my friends. We were more good acquaintances then friends. I thought that would bother me; it does not though. I would see her at different events, parties, etc though we never really talked. I was married at the time, always found her very attractive. She remembers seeing me more out than I do her!

 

Hmmm... well, if she hadn't had any failed relationships, she wouldn't be available to (possibly) date you. It isn't a crime to be single...

 

On the other hand.... About the trust thing... I hear you. As I always say... there is his side, her side, then there is the truth. There is just no way around getting to know someone.

 

Others might disagree with your approach, but it is one I personally prefer... getting to know someone in a non-romantic way first if possible. It is a lot easier to keep your head on straight that way...

 

What was the reason she gave for your acquaintance and her breaking up?

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Babolat Established Member

Babolat

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Hmmm... well, if she hadn't had any failed relationships, she wouldn't be available to (possibly) date you. It isn't a crime to be single...?

 

I agree

 

What was the reason she gave for your acquaintance and her breaking up?

 

She has not said specifically other than he was too young, immature, had a lot of living still yet to do, and she was not sure why she dated him. He was 14 or 15 years younger than her. He is a great guy, we keep in touch.

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