mahon451 Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 So, the ex left a tiny sliver of a breadcrumb (she posted something on my FB wall that she said reminded her of me), and I ate it up like a starving pigeon. I managed to hold out for almost a week, but finally a combination of missing her, curiosity, and tequila tore through my better judgement, and I texted her. She texted back. The exchange didn't go anywhere beyond small talk, so you'd think I'd be OK. I'm not... entirely. First, I broke NC. After a month. I'm kinda disappointed in myself for that. Second, I only reminded myself that yes, after almost 6 months post-breakup, I still have feelings for her (even though I'm casually seeing someone else, who is awesome, btw). Third, f**k tequila. Nothing good ever seems to happen when I drink tequila. So I guess, back to square one? It's gonna be a long day...
Author mahon451 Posted July 10, 2013 Author Posted July 10, 2013 So... am I the only jackass in the room, or does anyone else have a similar story?
Eivuwan Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 You are human and humans make mistakes. The bigger question is what is it that makes you have a hard time letting go?
Author mahon451 Posted July 11, 2013 Author Posted July 11, 2013 Still trying to figure that one out, although I can make a few guesses: 1. In almost 20 years of dating and relationships, I've been in love twice (as an adult). The first one I almost married, but then we both decided that our lives were going into two separate and ultimately incompatible directions, so we ended amicably and remain friends to this day (we were both in our early 20s). By the time that relationship had ended, it seemed like it was way more work and struggle than fun and loving... and for probably 8 more years, that became the model for every other relationship I was in: fun for the honeymoon period, and then a drag, and then it ends. The only other time I've been in love was with the last one- and in over a year, it never got to the "drag" phase, at least for me. This makes it hard to let go emotionally, because I never got sick of the relationship. 2. Before the most recent ex, there were maybe 2 other people that I had INSANE sexual chemistry with (the kind where both people have to restrain themselves from tearing each others' clothes off 24/7)... and neither compared to her, on the level of chemistry, skill, or stamina. She was also CRAZY hot, and while most of the gals I "associate" with can be called "hot", she was beyond even that (at least as far as my criteria for "hot" is, which is pretty standard). Being who I am (that is to say, having a higher sex drive than average, with an unfortunately higher than average appreciation for phyisical beauty), that makes it hard not to compare all subsequent sexual partners to her. 3. Out of every dating situation, fling, relationship, or FWB thing, no one (save for the above mentioned "other person I've been in love with) has come closer to matching me (or even surpassing me) on an artistic or intellectual level. I looked forward to the conversations and partner-in-crime-ness as much as I did the sex, which has NEVER been the case. So on a companionship level, that makes it hard to let go. So... yeah. I have zero illusions that we'll ever get back together. The time where that was ever a possiblity has long since passed (and our breakup follows the boilerplate "GIGS" thing, though I hate to refer to it as such), and I made every classic mistake post-breakup. As far as the "stages" go, I've reached acceptance; that doesn't mean I'm not still sad about it sometimes, it just means that I know it's over, and I'm moving on. Unfortunately, moving on isn't always a straight shot to home. Forgot where I'm going with this. I need more coffee.
hellon Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 First of all- beating yourself up over breaking NC seems counterproductive. Be proud of yourself for keeping it up for as long as you did, then get back on the wagon. Second- it sounds like you're hoping to find a carbon copy of this woman, and you need to let go of that expectation, and stop idealizing her qualities- especially the superficial ones. Knock her off of the pedestal you have her on. I kept my ex on a pedestal, and then when I started dating someone new, I couldn't let go of the comparisons. He wasn't as hot, as charismatic, as clever... But you know what? My ex was also a selfish prick, and this new guy would have done anything for me. He was also intelligent in a different way, and we had ridiculous sexual chemistry. Ultimately, I sabotaged the relationship with these comparisons. So try to keep a more open mind! 1
Recommended Posts