Just an update

[McGriff]

Hey, McGriff here, been a while.

 

Just an update on my situation some of you may know about. It seems that this chapter is finally closed. I got some breadcrumbs a little over two weeks ago, and now finally they have stopped. I did break NC to ask about some things she had for my son for his birthday, but she has ignored it. It's the final nail in the coffin for us (from my point of view, although she may have reached that long ago lol). I love her, but I feel like with this period of silence, I've begun to detach to a point where I almost feel like I don't know her anymore. Is that weird? I mean, just 4 months ago, she was a HUGE part of my life and now she's completely out of it. Zero. Life is crazy sometimes I guess. I'm hoping that this is a normal part of becoming indifferent. I don't hurt nearly as much as I did a couple months ago, but I do find myself thinking of her often. But it's not as much longing for her as it is reflecting on what once was, and the amazing fall we had from what was once pure happiness.

 

Our BU was very different than anything I've ever seen or experienced before. Almost surreal. Two people who obviously loved one another deeply, but just couldn't put it back together for whatever reasons. I've done a lot over the last four months to overcome it, and have a lot planned for the future. I don't think I'll ever hear from her again, and I'm both fine with that, and also a little confused. I'm just at a weird place. Maybe the beginning of acceptance? Hopefully this is the end of a roller coaster ride of emotions that's seen me hit incredible highs and lows. Things seem to be stabilizing. I don't check my phone constantly anymore. I don't feel that lost feeling anymore. I just feel...normal? Maybe even positive about the future?

[Still Searching]

I only hope to be at this point someday. It's only day 3 for me, but it's been the longest 3 days of my life. The highs and lows, the mix of emotions I feel, it's all just insane, really.

 

Congrats on your recovery, and hopefully it just keeps getting better.

[Echo000]

We have been around since about the same time, and idk your familiarity with me and my story but i am pretty familiar with yours.

 

I think we are about the same place. It took us a while to realize that it was over FOR GOOD. That there would be no reconciliation, even though both we and our exes loved us very much. Love was not enough, and its interesting how even in NC and LC ( NC for four months, started talking again last two months), I still had not given up hope that "one day" we may be together.

 

But it seems like you and i have reached the same place. You see, my ex is moving many miles away for good, and wants to still be "friends" so i can give her the "love and support" she wants from me. I respect her decision to move, but told her in our final phone conversation yesterday that I couldnt. She tried bating me into talking to her again, saying "this was not okay" and "we should have talked in a couple days when she had more time to talk"..basically her refusing to let go.

 

But neither you nor I can continue to ride this roller coaster. Sounds like you are starting to step off it, to find balance. Accepting she is gone forever, and maybe (just maybe) you are okay with that and even find some relief in that. I am just starting my journey today, my new beginning in life (so to speak) that does not involve her in ANY way. There is NO more hope there, and I keep telling myself that this is not a bad thing.

 

Sorry for bringing myself so much into this, but it sounds like we had similar paths, similar resistance, similar time frames, and a final, resounding ending to our relationships. Ya know?

[McGriff]

Echo,

 

I read your post from yesterday, and indeed it struck a chord with me. I think you are right, we are in similar places. Hope has been a problem for me since the day of the BU, and now it's not that I don't have "hope" per se, it's just that I no longer care. That's a HUGE bridge to cross, and I'm glad to be there. That hope is what kept me prisoner to my phone. Prisoner from moving on. Prisoner from establishing new relationships. For all those out there in despair, IT IS A LONG AND PAINFUL JOURNEY, BUT IT'S NOT PERMANENT. I know these words mean little to some in their darkest days, as it was meaningless to me when I was so hurt, but it will come. I've always been a believer that the universe doesn't make mistakes, and that belief has helped me keep going, day by day. I'm glad you are feeling better Echo. For me, this has been like a constant toothache, throbbing painfully for 4 months, and now that pain is removed, and I can think clearly again.

[Echo000]

amazing. very happy to hear you are in such a better place..because i remember how much pain you have been in since you joined here.

 

I still do care, so i still feel pain and have not fully exited the roller coaster. I keep having flashes of good memories we shared together, things she said to me that were sweet, etc. But I also realize now that she is gone for good and there is no hope, and that it actually is probably a blessing. Without her moving, i would have continued to hold onto some distant hope, even though in reality she is not the one for me. Even writing that pains me a little, but my mind knows it to be true.

 

So while i am still in some pain, i am in a different place than i was before. I realize its over for good, and i am resigned to that fact and determined to not care anymore going forward. In sum, to get to the place you say you are at. I hope (and dont think) it will take nearly as long now that the hope is gone. With hope, you can suffer indefinitely. When that hope is gone, i think one can move on MUCH much quicker. Im hoping that to be the case, anyways.

[McGriff]

Echo,

 

I'm glad you are in a better place. The key for me in reaching this numbness that I feel---is that I didn't force it, although there were many days I was mad at myself for not just "moving on". Just let it happen. Feel the feelings, feel the hurt, the loss, the pain. It will pass in time. The human body and mind is very resilient. I've always liked the addiction analogy. The body will always heal itself, once the problem is removed. Also, my friends and family have played a HUGE role in getting me through this. Use them as necessary, as they are the ones who love you unconditionally.

[IS IT Better late]

McGriff,

Is that you in that pic? You look like a bad ass lol!

 

I'm glad to hear your doing well and getting more emotionally stronger! It's a really tough thing to do.

 

As we've discussed our situations have been very similar but have ironicly turned in opposite directions recently.

 

For me breadcrumbs became a date... A date has become possibly more dates? She's texting me on an almost daily basis now. It feels good but I'm aware of how this can go bad for me again real quick.

 

So I'm just trying to play it cool and not be manipulated by her. I want to see if she's truly going to make an effort to be a part of my life or she just wants me around to make her feel good about herself.

 

Bottom line is she's going to have to work to prove she's sincere.

 

Time will tell, funny thing is I've met another girl who is growing on me so this is may get real interesting.

 

Anyway good luck with your recovery. What will you do if you get another text from her?

[frostythesnowman]

Sounds you like are doing well. I hope to be where you are soon and look forward to the pain going away. It really is weird to think about how someone who was such a big part of your life is just gone. For me, this is the hardest part. My emotional crutch was taken away, and someone who I had been close to since I could have feelings for a girl was gone.

[McGriff]

McGriff,

Is that you in that pic? You look like a bad ass lol!

 

I'm glad to hear your doing well and getting more emotionally stronger! It's a really tough thing to do.

 

As we've discussed our situations have been very similar but have ironicly turned in opposite directions recently.

 

For me breadcrumbs became a date... A date has become possibly more dates? She's texting me on an almost daily basis now. It feels good but I'm aware of how this can go bad for me again real quick.

 

So I'm just trying to play it cool and not be manipulated by her. I want to see if she's truly going to make an effort to be a part of my life or she just wants me around to make her feel good about herself.

 

Bottom line is she's going to have to work to prove she's sincere.

 

Time will tell, funny thing is I've met another girl who is growing on me so this is may get real interesting.

 

Anyway good luck with your recovery. What will you do if you get another text from her?

 

 

IIBL,

 

Yes, our situations are similar, however, I already went through the part you're going through. In late April to early May, she was texting and calling everyday, almost like old times, and we went out a few times, but it was different. The love was there, but the spark was gone. It's hard to explain. She wanted to hang out and get her ego stroked, but didn't want any commitment. Have her cake and eat it too kind of thing. No thank you. So just be careful, watch her actions more than her words. One thing I've learned the hard way is that words can be so meaningless and hollow. People tell you what you wanna hear to get what they want. I really hope it works out for you.

 

As for the pic, yeah that's me from the 4th of July. I am pretty much a badass

[McGriff]

Sounds you like are doing well. I hope to be where you are soon and look forward to the pain going away. It really is weird to think about how someone who was such a big part of your life is just gone. For me, this is the hardest part. My emotional crutch was taken away, and someone who I had been close to since I could have feelings for a girl was gone.

 

Frosty,

 

I feel you on this. The only advice I can give is give it time. Get out and do things with friends and family. There are no answers, only questions. It can drive you crazy, but people are people. They do inexplicable things. Just trust in the universe, God, whatever you believe in, and it will work itself out. What's meant to be, will be. She was a big part of my life, and now I have to fill it with other things, other people. It sucks (right now), but my life is sooooo much more than her. It took me a LONG time to come to grips with that. But I did, and now I'm a better person for it. I was negligent in giving too much away too soon. I was negligent in depending on her for my happiness. Those things won't happen again.

[forgetmenot75]

Very happy for you, 4 months make a difference, huh?

I'm sure you'll reach the indifference stage as soon as you find someone else.

I wish I were in the same stage as you

[Echo000]

im sitting here now, and i find the hardest part is exactly that: realizing that this person who was so special and dear to you is now someone who you have to treat like a stranger. More intense than that- a stranger who you actively avoid. And there is no hope or date on the calendar when any of this changes- this is the new reality.

 

Accepting that the love you have for that person cannot be given to them anymore, that its not good for you, that while it caused you happiness before it causes you pain now. That familiarity, that comfort- took such a long time to build up with that person and now you need to move on without it.

 

For me, this is the hardest part. Its not like it was before- thoughts/images of her being with other people is inevitable and makes me sad, but i am not tortured by it anymore. Because that is shallow. The deeper sadness lies in knowing she is gone, gone and out of my life for good.

 

It is also hard to not rehash everything- to go over everything and think about all the memories and moments and places you went to that person with. I keep looking at dates that show up (even on TV) from the past and think, "we were together at that time and now look..she is gone". Sounds pathetic but i think anyone who has been through such loss can understand and relate.

 

But we must all realize like McGriff has said, this is just ONE part of our lives. There is so much more to it, and there are also so many people to meet in this world. And one day, a better match will come along where all this posting bullsh** will be unneccessary because you will be too busy feeling happy and content. Not hurt and confused, trying to understand someone who is so difficult to make sense of. Remember...if things were good it wouldnt be this hard anyway.

 

Sorry for the long message- had my final phone call with her last night and ignored a text she sent right after, now dealing with the come down and continued realization that she is gone and life continues.

[McGriff]

Very happy for you, 4 months make a difference, huh?

I'm sure you'll reach the indifference stage as soon as you find someone else.

I wish I were in the same stage as you

 

Actually, it's closer to five months since we broke up right after Valentines day. Just keep living, you will get there, it's inevitable!

[forgetmenot75]

I know, that is the good thing of all this process, that you inevitable begin to forget. Do you remember when did you actually start feeling better?

[McGriff]

I know, that is the good thing of all this process, that you inevitable begin to forget. Do you remember when did you actually start feeling better?

 

I kind of had a SNAP moment yesterday, where I just felt this overwhelming sense of not caring, like just letting go, and being ok with the situation. I've heard this happens to people sometimes. If you've ever seen the movie "Office Space" (classic), where the main character wakes up one morning and just doesn't give a shyt about anything. That's where I'm at in regards to her.

[aloneinaz]

Glad to hear your back on solid ground again big guy. You do have to simply take it one day at a time. You do have to remember the negative things of the ex which will balance it out. You do have to try and get out of the house, mingle and meet new people and possible significant others. You do have to remind yourself if your older that you've been through this before whether the dumper or dumpee and you survived it and will survive this as well.

 

I'm close to 6 weeks. The pain is gone, just lingering shock that I was rejected by a woman w/so many issues. I think it's ego based shock. I'd never been dumped before. I read posts where people contact an ex after months and I'm shocked. My ex seems like a stranger to me at only 6 weeks since break up. I'm lucky, I've been dating a lot which is a great distraction and ego booster and prevents the loneliness. I also know she wasn't right for me long term. I didn't like her much the last couple of months and many times during this period wondered why I couldn't nut up and tell her to f-off.

 

I also agree that its an addiction. One day, that person is the most important person in your life. Your lover, best friend, go to person who you talked or texted w/all day. The day after the break up, they're gone.. It is quite the shock to the system...

[McGriff]

Glad to hear your back on solid ground again big guy. You do have to simply take it one day at a time. You do have to remember the negative things of the ex which will balance it out. You do have to try and get out of the house, mingle and meet new people and possible significant others. You do have to remind yourself if your older that you've been through this before whether the dumper or dumpee and you survived it and will survive this as well.

 

I'm close to 6 weeks. The pain is gone, just lingering shock that I was rejected by a woman w/so many issues. I think it's ego based shock. I'd never been dumped before. I read posts where people contact an ex after months and I'm shocked. My ex seems like a stranger to me at only 6 weeks since break up. I'm lucky, I've been dating a lot which is a great distraction and ego booster and prevents the loneliness. I also know she wasn't right for me long term. I didn't like her much the last couple of months and many times during this period wondered why I couldn't nut up and tell her to f-off.

 

I also agree that its an addiction. One day, that person is the most important person in your life. Your lover, best friend, go to person who you talked or texted w/all day. The day after the break up, they're gone.. It is quite the shock to the system...

 

Aloneinaz,

 

Thanks man, appreciate the words. Actually some of your posts helped me out. I like the stance you took after the BU. The fact that you refuse to let her know of your pain (however brief) was inspiring. And focusing on her negatives was critical for me. I had her on such a high pedestal, it took awhile to knock her off. Honestly, I found a not-so-attractive pic of her and looked at it whenever I started feeling like I missed her. Hey, do what ya gotta do right? As for dating, I've been successful going out on dates and meeting new women. Problem is, I haven't found that chemistry and connection yet. Their nice people, attractive, but it's just not there. It's definitely helped with my confidence though. There's one girl, my friends think she's so hot, and I've tried so hard to feel something for her, but I just haven't been able to. I've had sex with her a few times, but it's just. not. there. Overall though, I'm not in pain anymore, and that's the most important thing. I can move on with my life now and do whatever I want, which is pretty awesome. Got a vacation coming up with my best friend, and we're meeting some women there, so that's awesome! Again, thanks for the words and good luck in your own situation.

[Echo000]

how long did it take you, McGriff, to realize it was over for good?

 

And after that point, how long did it take you to get to a point where you feel no more pain over it?

 

With my ex moving away, i finally realize (been forced to) that she is gone out of my life for good, with no chance at ever being together again. Now, with NC, im hoping i can get your input on how long it will take to where i can be at a place of very little to no pain, like you are now.

[McGriff]

how long did it take you, McGriff, to realize it was over for good?

 

And after that point, how long did it take you to get to a point where you feel no more pain over it?

 

With my ex moving away, i finally realize (been forced to) that she is gone out of my life for good, with no chance at ever being together again. Now, with NC, im hoping i can get your input on how long it will take to where i can be at a place of very little to no pain, like you are now.

 

Echo,

 

If I could give you the timetable for when you were gonna feel better about it, I'd be rich! But seriously, I wish I could tell you. Everyone is different. I can tell you some things that I think helped me move on though.

 

1. You HAVE to get them off the pedestal. Think about the negatives. A bad picture, a bad memory, a fight, negative words that were said, or a negative trait that drove you crazy.

 

2. Embracing the horrible thought of them being intimate with someone else. Really tough, but it's kind of like pinching yourself really hard when you have a headache. It's gonna happen if it hasn't already, may as well deal with it.

 

3. This may be controversial and not for everybody, but sleep with somebody. There's nothing better for a bruised and sad ego than some good loving.

 

4. Fill your days with as much stuff as you can. When you are busy, you'll find you can go hours without thinking about your ex.

 

5. Make yourself mad. They left you! They thought their life would be better without you. F*ck that! Seriously?

 

6. Buy yourself some new clothes, get in shape, make yourself as attractive as possible, so when you look in the mirror, you're like "damn I look good"---does wonders for self confidence.

 

Hope this helps.

[aloneinaz]

Echo,

 

If I could give you the timetable for when you were gonna feel better about it, I'd be rich! But seriously, I wish I could tell you. Everyone is different. I can tell you some things that I think helped me move on though.

 

1. You HAVE to get them off the pedestal. Think about the negatives. A bad picture, a bad memory, a fight, negative words that were said, or a negative trait that drove you crazy.

 

2. Embracing the horrible thought of them being intimate with someone else. Really tough, but it's kind of like pinching yourself really hard when you have a headache. It's gonna happen if it hasn't already, may as well deal with it.

 

3. This may be controversial and not for everybody, but sleep with somebody. There's nothing better for a bruised and sad ego than some good loving.

 

4. Fill your days with as much stuff as you can. When you are busy, you'll find you can go hours without thinking about your ex.

 

5. Make yourself mad. They left you! They thought their life would be better without you. F*ck that! Seriously?

 

6. Buy yourself some new clothes, get in shape, make yourself as attractive as possible, so when you look in the mirror, you're like "damn I look good"---does wonders for self confidence.

 

Hope this helps.

 

I couldn't agree with 3 more. Sleep w/someone else. You break that "the last person I made love to was the ex, crap!". Also, start dating again! Was there a rule posted that a dumpee was suppose to moon over someone who kicked them out of thier lives for months and months? F-that. If you know you're relationship is over or your ex is w/someone new, why would YOU NOT start dating again? Hell, you ex is getting pounded so why shouldn't you? Trust me, for the first two weeks after my ex left me, the thought of dating made me anxious. I FORCED myself to go on dates and now I REALLY look forward to them.

[aloneinaz]

Aloneinaz,

 

Thanks man, appreciate the words. Actually some of your posts helped me out. I like the stance you took after the BU. The fact that you refuse to let her know of your pain (however brief) was inspiring. And focusing on her negatives was critical for me. I had her on such a high pedestal, it took awhile to knock her off. Honestly, I found a not-so-attractive pic of her and looked at it whenever I started feeling like I missed her. Hey, do what ya gotta do right? As for dating, I've been successful going out on dates and meeting new women. Problem is, I haven't found that chemistry and connection yet. Their nice people, attractive, but it's just not there. It's definitely helped with my confidence though. There's one girl, my friends think she's so hot, and I've tried so hard to feel something for her, but I just haven't been able to. I've had sex with her a few times, but it's just. not. there. Overall though, I'm not in pain anymore, and that's the most important thing. I can move on with my life now and do whatever I want, which is pretty awesome. Got a vacation coming up with my best friend, and we're meeting some women there, so that's awesome! Again, thanks for the words and good luck in your own situation.

 

Awesome for you! Yup, I can't stress how important it is to remember their negative BS. Luckily for me, I had LOTS of recent examples of this from her. The good memories where so long ago, before she let me see the real her. I've said it before but I came home from spending time at her house wondering WTF, that I couldn't dump her. She could be such an unpleasant, mean, bitch to me and others. I've really come to the conclusion that she's suffering from some personality disorder.

 

I hear you on the dating as well. I've had a lot of dates these last few weeks. A couple I really liked until the 4th or 5th date. I've slept with several of them as well. I keep my fingers crossed that I will find someone who REALLY rings my bell and I can have a relationship with them. I met someone last Sat but she's already showing some red flags.. Damn... I still enjoy going out and meeting these women, spending time with them, the whole 9 yards. It will come for us both soon.

[frostythesnowman]

Frosty,

 

I feel you on this. The only advice I can give is give it time. Get out and do things with friends and family. There are no answers, only questions. It can drive you crazy, but people are people. They do inexplicable things. Just trust in the universe, God, whatever you believe in, and it will work itself out. What's meant to be, will be. She was a big part of my life, and now I have to fill it with other things, other people. It sucks (right now), but my life is sooooo much more than her. It took me a LONG time to come to grips with that. But I did, and now I'm a better person for it. I was negligent in giving too much away too soon. I was negligent in depending on her for my happiness. Those things won't happen again.

 

You're right. It's just a chapter in our lives and not the end of the world. Sometimes it doesn't seem like that though, but we just have to look at the bigger picture. I had been focusing so much on her and trying to find ways to get her back and make her happy so long I forgot about myself.

 

Aloneinaz,

 

Thanks man, appreciate the words. Actually some of your posts helped me out. I like the stance you took after the BU. The fact that you refuse to let her know of your pain (however brief) was inspiring. And focusing on her negatives was critical for me. I had her on such a high pedestal, it took awhile to knock her off. Honestly, I found a not-so-attractive pic of her and looked at it whenever I started feeling like I missed her. Hey, do what ya gotta do right? As for dating, I've been successful going out on dates and meeting new women. Problem is, I haven't found that chemistry and connection yet. Their nice people, attractive, but it's just not there. It's definitely helped with my confidence though. There's one girl, my friends think she's so hot, and I've tried so hard to feel something for her, but I just haven't been able to. I've had sex with her a few times, but it's just. not. there. Overall though, I'm not in pain anymore, and that's the most important thing. I can move on with my life now and do whatever I want, which is pretty awesome. Got a vacation coming up with my best friend, and we're meeting some women there, so that's awesome! Again, thanks for the words and good luck in your own situation.

 

Just wanted to comment on this because I have been in a similar situation- I was set up with a hot girl who was definitely into me, and I just couldn't get past hooking up. I really wanted to be into her too, but it just wasn't there. Broke off whatever we had started getting into because I didn't want her to get hurt; she had gone through a break up not too long ago.

 

Hopefully the right girl will come along soon. At this stage, I feel like a girl has to meet me halfway there, if you know what I mean... After putting so much effort into my ex I feel like I kinda need someone to show some interest in me first, before I go out on a limb