gratefulgirl Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 One morning 17 months ago, I packed my car & left my husband, we were married 22 years! Over an 11 year period our relationship deteriorated. When our youngest child was 2, we bought a café. I felt that I could do more to keep him interested.. if I could show him that with 4 children, & run a full time business, then how could you not love me rite! Wrong! things deteriorated, he didn’t help with the business, he did take on more child duties & cook some meals, but his care factor & intimacy levels dropped even further. I still did all the house cleaning, bills, planned all the holidays, birthday/xmas gifts/parties & organised all the children. We moved house, we were fighting more & more, & I feel that we lost a great deal of respect for one another during this time. On one occasion he stopped an argument, called the children around, and promptly told them that ‘we were separating’ wtf! I slept in the spare room for the next 10 months! (Intimacy level, zero) (I am NOT proud of this but in order to have your honest opinions, you must know that I took a part time lover, an old friend, we where never found out, and it was what it was) Then ..came the first (& last) true physical attack, I was bruised up & scarred, & I believe the children (although in bed) heard some of it… I left the next morning for rented accommodation. Maybe stupidly, most definitely still in love with him, I moved back to our house 3 mths later. Of course it was lovely for a while.. until it slid again.. I read self help books, attempted to read them together, planned surprise weekends, date nights, I wore sexy lingerie constantly, then wore none! The more I tried, the more I was turned away, he was checking out of the marriage emotionally, and had already checked out sexually, communication consisted of about 5 safe subjects. His ‘excellent’ ‘covert manipulative skills’ had me feeling worthless, useless, rejected, isolated, foggy & inconsequential. We talked & talked never getting anywhere, either ending in a fight or tears! The thing I can’t work out is that I still loved him, and he loved me! ...For my own survival I left, sad, devastated but knowing that I would survive! He was gutted! 5 silent months later I sent an email with an explanation to why I left, how I felt and that I would always love him! the ball was in his court if he wanted to attend a seminar together -big fail, our family xmas was great for 2 days, then -big big fail … I walled my heart, & promised myself that that would be THE last time I would get hurt. 5mths ago I started dating my childhood sweetheart, (I was 17, he was 19, now we are 48/50 yrs) it’s like we have never been apart, he still lives in our home town, is super well liked, goes fishing & camping, is open, honest & is skilled at intimacy! plus, represents the life I could have had if I had not moved to another country & had a professional career (bc: before kids) he’s even asked me to marry him!!!… HOWEVER, now my ex is pleading that he has changed, he's told me everything I would have wanted to hear a few years ago ‘please just give him a go’, ‘please he knows it will work this time’ 'he knows where it went wrong' like he was reading a script I had imagined into life ...etc etc etc This is breaking my heart . I don’t want to hurt ANYONE. its almost 18mths later ??? my ex an I live on a remote location, 4 children ( 2 are in college), a business together & properties, so there’s no real chance of escaping him.. My soul says don’t go back, stay with your childhood lover, have fun, live a little My heart asks how can I do this to the man I loved so dearly, maybe he has changed? What am I throwing away ? PLEASE.. Please.. please help me Thanks so much for you time B
lissa90 Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 Please please please don't go back to him. He hurt you in every single way possible and you have given him chance after chance. You gave it your all and I guarantee, if you go back again, he will slip back into his old ways again. You have a chance here to be happy. Take it. Life is too short to be miserable which is what you were with him. Don't miss your second chance. 3
eddyctv Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 Do NOT go back! You only live ONCE, you may as well ENJOY your life, instead of having to work hard at something that clearly DOES NOT WORK. 2
CaliBabe Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 Don't go back. Live your life. You left for a reason. 1
Author gratefulgirl Posted July 16, 2013 Author Posted July 16, 2013 Just wanted to say a big 'Thank You' to those that took the time to reply.. I really appreciate it x;) The latest development is.. I can dictate how we start to see one another again! I can have as little or as much interaction as I would like! AND..extraordinary, I can even continue to see my childhood sweetheart and then decide????
amaysngrace Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 They all say they'll change but as you've witnessed, they seldom do. He's only trying harder now because you're with someone else. His pride is wounded. And who do you think he is going to make pay for that once he has you in his grips again? Don't be foolish. What could you possibly love about a man who treats you so badly?
lissa90 Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 My mum always says to me "if its too good to be true, it usually is". I'm glad to hear you are in a better position than when you last posted, however, it looks like you are slowly going to go back to your ex husband :[. Ultimately it is up to you to decide what you want, but I am concerned you are being blind sighted by your ex's sudden (and most surely short lived) change. He can feel you slipping away so what he has done is put glitter and sparkles on the turd that he is in an attempt to lure you back. Seems to be working. You will still have to make a choice, him, or the other guy, so my advice to you is to choice wisely and remember that all that glitters is not gold. 1
Author gratefulgirl Posted July 17, 2013 Author Posted July 17, 2013 Talk about keeping me 'on track' ... I can feel a little bit of Personal Power, slowly, but surely, finding it's way back x;} thx
amaysngrace Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 Personal power? What do you mean by that because it sounds as though you think your H wanting you back equals power but it doesn't. It equals manipulation. If you go back to him he will once again have the power because it is the chase he is after...not the kill. In fact in some ways he's always had the power because you're entertaining the idea of getting back with him when any other woman with a healthy self-esteem would tell him to go F himself. Think about this...what has he done to "change" himself for the better during your time apart? Anything? If so, what?
Author gratefulgirl Posted July 18, 2013 Author Posted July 18, 2013 Well..... In my post, the words 'Personal Power' would alternately be replaced with 'Self Esteem'! but thx anyway for ur opinion
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