Question for OW/OM

[xxoo]

Well, turn it around. Why are you blaming the sports car? Blame the driver.

 

I imagine that, with enough pain, there is plenty of room to blame both.

[HopingAgain]

Miss Bee,

 

I don't expect validation, and I understand the point you are making. I can't even remember what I posted anymore. I guess I just wondered why it is that it has to become the fault of the crazy OW, in one form or another. But it was WS who got involved with AP. What happened? A psychotic break on the MM's part? No, he didn't. And while I agree some of the excuses are true, I think that mostly MM find someone that they enjoy for whatever reason. I'm tired of OW always being the villain. And I've never met a BS wearing a halo. Why is it that the marriage is golden, but a valid, loving relationship between a OW and MM is shyte and could never, ever work.

 

As I've said, In my relationship, I feel that he was transitioning out of a very painful marriage. I have never, ever contacted her. I've never said negative things to or about her, except here, and she can blame me all she likes. But the truth is, he fell out of love with her, was incredibly unhappy and left.

 

And still. I am 'crazy'. I am a 'husband stealer'. I 'ruined her life' 'He should have just bought a new red car'.

 

She says these things to him. To her daughter. To her parents. To his parents. She can't just admit the marriage was over. I don't want to hear any garbage about how he should have left first. It wouldn't have mattered.

 

 

Miss Bee,

 

I don't expect validation, and I understand the point you are making. I can't even remember what I posted anymore. I guess I just wondered why it is that it has to become the fault of the crazy OW, in one form or another. But it was WS who got involved with AP. What happened? A psychotic break on the MM's part? No, he didn't. And while I agree some of the excuses are true, I think that mostly MM find someone that they enjoy for whatever reason. I'm tired of OW always being the villain. And I've never met a BS wearing a halo. Why is it that the marriage is golden, but a valid, loving relationship between a OW and MM is shyte and could never, ever work.

 

As I've said, In my relationship, I feel that he was transitioning out of a very painful marriage. I have never, ever contacted her. I've never said negative things to or about her, except here, and she can blame me all she likes. But the truth is, he fell out of love with her, was incredibly unhappy and left.

 

And still. I am 'crazy'. I am a 'husband stealer'. I 'ruined her life' 'He should have just bought a new red car'.

 

She says these things to him. To her daughter. To her parents. To his parents. She can't just admit the marriage was over. I don't want to hear any garbage about how he should have left first. It wouldn't have mattered.

 

It does matter how a spouse leaves their marriage, though. Unfortunately, your former MM made you a part of the demise of his marriage by not ending the marriage before bringing you in. So in that way, he took part.of the blame due to him and gave it to you. You probably won't agree with that assessment, but I'm saying it with my former WS hat on. Its hard to heal a broken marriage, harder still to move from a brokwen marriage into a full time relationship with an affair partner. So, yes, sometimes.as a WS it is comforting to have someone there to share the blame

[tinker683]

I never saw myself as someone who would get involved with a women who was already spoken for. To me, such behavior was cowardly, disrespectful, and unbecoming of someone I wanted to be.

 

When I DID find myself getting involved, I had rationalized it at the time as being a once-in-a-lifetime thing and that if I didn't pursue it, I would regret. It would be one more thing to add to my list of regrets and things I wish I had done.

 

She a beautiful, intelligent woman that I could talk too for hours and hours at a time. For me...she was *exactly* what I was looking for. It became easy for me to rationalize the relationship given how toxic and how little her then-fiance wanted anything to do with her. I told myself that I was rescueing her, that her and I could have a chance at something really good.

 

What a giant load of bunk that turned out to be.

 

Her and I eventually did break up though not because of a DDay... (though I somewhat ponder if one happened afterwards as friends of mine that were also friends of her fiancé suddenly ceased wanting to have anything to do with me one day) but because she decided I wasn't worth her time anymore. In retrospect I shouldn't be terribly surprised: She manipulated and exploited him for years, why should I have been treated any differently?

 

The thing is though: I don't regret my relationship. If he ever did find out about our affair, I truly am sorry that he's hurt but I still maintain to this day that their relationship died years ago and they kept each other around for incredibly toxic, co-dependent reasons and it should have ended a long time ago. This doesn't justify my actions at all and if he and those who care about him depise me I wouldn't begrudge them one bit.

 

But I don't regret meeting her, courting her, and loving her. She truly did (and in a lot of ways still does) mean a great deal to me. I was truly willing to do whatever it took to make the relationship work....but I wasn't willing to sacrifice myself which is what slowly was beginning to happen.

 

I don't minimize my affair to myself. I do to other people because of the social perceptions of affairs and such but I don't regret it at all. I loved her dearly and I don't regret that. The relationship was brutal to me in the end but it served to teach me a great deal about relationships and myself.

 

In some ways, I think the pain I experienced and that I feel now is sort of the universe getting back at me (I'm going to refrain from using the word "karma" lest Taramaiden show up and beat me to death ) and if that is the case then I deserve the misery I feel.

 

But that's me, a fOM. Make of that what you will.

[Bittersweetie]

 

And why do we, as AP's then say things like "I'm so glad I'm out of it, it ruined my life" when obviously at the time we wanted the relationship.

 

Yes, at the time I did want that relationship. But with time and perspective, I now see that what I had with OM wasn't a healthy or real relationship at all...in one aspect it was an addiction on my part. I projected everything I needed and wanted onto my AP making him my "soulmate." Now that I (and my H) have worked hard to create a healthy, open, and honest relationship, I now see how dysfunctional things with my AP was. And it did almost ruin my life because with the risk I took for someone who I thought cared about me, I almost lost my H: a good, honest, caring, funny, smart, and handsome man.

 

I understand that everyone's situation is different. But there was no downplaying of my A by myself or my H; it was a fact and we dealt with it head on. Just my experience.

[ladydesigner]

Yes, at the time I did want that relationship. But with time and perspective, I now see that what I had with OM wasn't a healthy or real relationship at all...in one aspect it was an addiction on my part. I projected everything I needed and wanted onto my AP making him my "soulmate." Now that I (and my H) have worked hard to create a healthy, open, and honest relationship, I now see how dysfunctional things with my AP was. And it did almost ruin my life because with the risk I took for someone who I thought cared about me, I almost lost my H: a good, honest, caring, funny, smart, and handsome man.

 

I understand that everyone's situation is different. But there was no downplaying of my A by myself or my H; it was a fact and we dealt with it head on. Just my experience.

 

 

Bittersweetie you summed up perfectly where I am at in my M. I am 5 years out from my A so I have a lot of time and therapy to have dealt with my A. What you said was true for me, the relationship I had with xOM wasn't healthy, he wasn't going to be a good partner for me (he was way to young) and now in hindsight I can clearly see how it was just like an addiction with all of those addictive feelings. Long-term it was really my WH who I wanted, who is my best fit. My WH has said similar recently as more time has passed since his A ended.

 

I believe those who do reconcile and are able to find a way back to each other for some reason or another the A and the AP become irrelevant, just like a past love or an ex. Some cases like a bad ex . If anything I dislike that I handled a difficult time in my M with such impulse and bad coping skills. My AP could have been anyone, really that is how I see him now. I hope he feels the same about me too. What we did was wrong, plain and simple and I completely regret it.

[SammySammy]

I never saw myself as someone who would get involved with a women who was already spoken for. To me, such behavior was cowardly, disrespectful, and unbecoming of someone I wanted to be.

 

When I DID find myself getting involved, I had rationalized it at the time as being a once-in-a-lifetime thing and that if I didn't pursue it, I would regret. It would be one more thing to add to my list of regrets and things I wish I had done.

 

She a beautiful, intelligent woman that I could talk too for hours and hours at a time. For me...she was *exactly* what I was looking for. It became easy for me to rationalize the relationship given how toxic and how little her then-fiance wanted anything to do with her. I told myself that I was rescueing her, that her and I could have a chance at something really good.

 

What a giant load of bunk that turned out to be.

 

Her and I eventually did break up though not because of a DDay... (though I somewhat ponder if one happened afterwards as friends of mine that were also friends of her fiancé suddenly ceased wanting to have anything to do with me one day) but because she decided I wasn't worth her time anymore. In retrospect I shouldn't be terribly surprised: She manipulated and exploited him for years, why should I have been treated any differently?

 

The thing is though: I don't regret my relationship. If he ever did find out about our affair, I truly am sorry that he's hurt but I still maintain to this day that their relationship died years ago and they kept each other around for incredibly toxic, co-dependent reasons and it should have ended a long time ago. This doesn't justify my actions at all and if he and those who care about him depise me I wouldn't begrudge them one bit.

 

But I don't regret meeting her, courting her, and loving her. She truly did (and in a lot of ways still does) mean a great deal to me. I was truly willing to do whatever it took to make the relationship work....but I wasn't willing to sacrifice myself which is what slowly was beginning to happen.

 

I don't minimize my affair to myself. I do to other people because of the social perceptions of affairs and such but I don't regret it at all. I loved her dearly and I don't regret that. The relationship was brutal to me in the end but it served to teach me a great deal about relationships and myself.

 

In some ways, I think the pain I experienced and that I feel now is sort of the universe getting back at me (I'm going to refrain from using the word "karma" lest Taramaiden show up and beat me to death ) and if that is the case then I deserve the misery I feel.

 

But that's me, a fOM. Make of that what you will.

 

Well said.

 

I also had never cheated. I wasn't that type of person.

 

I guess I'm fortunate to have been the one to end it and feel no pain, but, otherwise, I can totally identify with what you said.

[tryingto]

And why do we, as AP's then say things like "I'm so glad I'm out of it, it ruined my life" when obviously at the time we wanted the relationship. It was not (most of the time) just sex. It was a loving, full on relationship, even if the WS was married at the time. I just didn't feel that my bf loved me any less because we began as an A and I know a plethora of relationships that are the same. If we weren't in love, it would be a lot easier. That is exactly why it is called a 'love affair'. We're in love.

 

I'm just trying to understand the dynamic, I suppose because it doesn't seem to make much sense.

 

I think this is a good question. As an AP to my exMM, I don't feel I downplay the relationship now. He did not end our A, I did. And after I had time, to begin really looking at the relationship for what it was, I think I began to see the truth. He told me he loved me and I without a doubt loved him. For a time, I was willing to sacrifice my own peace of mind to contribute to his happiness. When it became apparent, that I was the only one in the relationship to put OUR relationship first was when it began to feel lopsided and less fulfilling.

 

Months out of the A, I began to see how little he was able to give to me because of the nature of our relationship, because it was an affair, because it was his secret. Despite what he told me, he showed me through non-action that he was unwilling to change the nature of our relationship. I deserved more. I deserve someone who will be there for me without reservation or hesitation and his actions proved he couldn't or wouldn't be that person for me.

 

I don't feel I rationalize or downplay what our relationship was. It was extremely important to me at the time I was involved in it. I think I just began to truly see it for what it was for him. I hope that makes sense...

Edited July 11, 2013 by tryingto

[So happy together]

Yes, at the time I did want that relationship. But with time and perspective, I now see that what I had with OM wasn't a healthy or real relationship at all...in one aspect it was an addiction on my part. I projected everything I needed and wanted onto my AP making him my "soulmate." Now that I (and my H) have worked hard to create a healthy, open, and honest relationship, I now see how dysfunctional things with my AP was. And it did almost ruin my life because with the risk I took for someone who I thought cared about me, I almost lost my H: a good, honest, caring, funny, smart, and handsome man.

 

I understand that everyone's situation is different. But there was no downplaying of my A by myself or my H; it was a fact and we dealt with it head on. Just my experience.

 

I'm curious if this is the only relationship you felt this way in? What I mean to say, I guess, is... was it different from other relationships as far as being unhealty etc.

[Bittersweetie]

I'm curious if this is the only relationship you felt this way in? What I mean to say, I guess, is... was it different from other relationships as far as being unhealty etc.

 

Yes, this was the only relationship I felt this way in. Other relationships, that were out in the open, not in secret, where there were no other partners involved, were not nearly as unhealthy as that one affair.

[hippetyhop]

Ours was downplayed because she was told her husband was up to no good. She’s been on high alert since. That is all I know from it. The moment he was questioned, he told me he will have to be off the grid/low contact for a bit. That is when I really started thinking I need to get out. He went as far as deleting everything from his phone, putting me under another contact name, telling me not to pick up unless he sends me a text/message beforehand saying he’s calling, not texting me as often when he was home, asked me to not pick up any numbers I don’t know or unknown calls, etc. (Now that I’m typing it out- it all seems a bit silly). He said this is all to protect me. This was a few weeks ago. Although he’s been low contact, he has no intentions to stop the A.

 

I’m not even sure he is afraid of divorce—just that he doesn’t want to file first. He’s referred to their relationship as “college roommates” and he’s in it for the kids. I’m hoping that ending the A will maybe in turn, turn their marriage around for their best.

Edited July 11, 2013 by hippetyhop

[Pierre]

Ours was downplayed because she was told her husband was up to no good. She’s been on high alert since. That is all I know from it. The moment he was questioned, he told me he will have to be off the grid/low contact for a bit. That is when I really started thinking I need to get out. He went as far as deleting everything from his phone, putting me under another contact name, telling me not to pick up unless he sends me a text/message beforehand saying he’s calling, not texting me as often when he was home, asked me to not pick up any numbers I don’t know or unknown calls, etc. (Now that I’m typing it out- it all seems a bit silly). He said this is all to protect me. This was a few weeks ago. Although he’s been low contact, he has no intentions to stop the A.

 

I’m not even sure he is afraid of divorce—just that he doesn’t want to file first. He’s referred to their relationship as “college roommates” and he’s in it for the kids. I’m hoping that ending the A will maybe in turn, turn their marriage around for their best.

 

Why be in the affair if there is no d-day in the horizon?

 

What is the purpose? Exists this deep underground?

[hippetyhop]

Why be in the affair if there is no d-day in the horizon?

 

What is the purpose? Exists this deep underground?

 

I'm not sure what your question is really asking? Is it along the lines of why keep going if it is this far underground?

[MissBee]

Well, turn it around. Why are you blaming the sports car? Blame the driver.

 

Blame doesn't need to be included but a change of perspective and change of desire may spawn one to think of the A differently (specifically responding to your original question about why fOW feel differently/"downplay"), which may not be some kind of conscious attempt to downplay, but a natural occurrence of decreased desire or a bad experience, as xxoo explained.

 

I think self-proclaimed happy OW sometimes behave as though every A was wonderful through and through and the affair dynamic doesn't cause any distress, and any OW who was hurt by the A or comes to see it differently is brainwashed by the "disease of reform" lmaoo or is denying her true feelings. Just because you wanted something at one point doesn't mean you always will and can never grow to feel differently. Hello: you're (plural) in an affair with a married person, who apparently used to want their spouse and be in love and thus married and had kids with them, who now allegedly doesn't...so why is it so hard to accept that, just like this MP, an OW can have wanted an A at one point then grew to realize it was in fact not the best thing or it turned out to be a hurtful experience?? When OW go on and on about the horrible BS, I'm like the MM chose to marry this horrible person, so clearly, there was some change over time, as I give them some credit that they wouldn't purposefully marry a horrible person, so their view of them (unless it's just the OW's views) now is a change of perspective or change in that person. Why then are the change in feelings only valid and easy to understand if it's the change from the MM loving his spouse to him falling out of love to be with the OW, but far-fetched and "puzzling" if it's an OW falling out of love with MM and thinking he is as horrible as many OW make the BS he once loved seem or worse yet, if a WS's feelings change for the OW/OM?

 

If fOW are downplaying the A if they say it ruined them, then be fair, MM who are still married and cheating and saying the spouse they chose to marry is so horrible now, are also downplaying their M and rewriting as well., as by the same logic: didn't they choose their spouse? Didn't they want that relationship at one point? Heck, they wanted it so much they decided to be legally bound and have witnesses to observe their desire for that commitment. So why are they saying it's soooo horrible now? If it's cognitive dissonance for fOW then it's the same for MM, perhaps they are trying to make themselves feel justified in their affair by acting like they never loved their wives or are being abused by them etc. so they feel they deserve the A. Yet, you don't see this view on the part of the happy OW, naturally, no way is the MM rewriting, according to happy OW, it isn't at all cognitive dissonance or downplaying, but the gospel truth lol, when it, by the logic presented, is likely the exact same thing.

Edited July 12, 2013 by MissBee

[cocorico]

Blame doesn't need to be included but a change of perspective and change of desire may spawn one to think of the A differently (specifically responding to your original question about why fOW feel differently/"downplay"), which may not be some kind of conscious attempt to downplay, but a natural occurrence of decreased desire or a bad experience, as xxoo explained.

 

I think self-proclaimed happy OW sometimes behave as though every A was wonderful through and through and the affair dynamic doesn't cause any distress, and any OW who was hurt by the A or comes to see it differently is brainwashed by the "disease of reform" lmaoo or is denying her true feelings. Just because you wanted something at one point doesn't mean you always will and can never grow to feel differently. Hello: you're (plural) in an affair with a married person, who apparently used to want their spouse and be in love and thus married and had kids with them, who now allegedly doesn't...so why is it so hard to accept that, just like this MP, an OW can have wanted an A at one point then grew to realize it was in fact not the best thing or it turned out to be a hurtful experience?? When OW go on and on about the horrible BS, I'm like the MM chose to marry this horrible person, so clearly, there was some change over time, as I give them some credit that they wouldn't purposefully marry a horrible person, so their view of them (unless it's just the OW's views) now is a change of perspective or change in that person. Why then are the change in feelings only valid and easy to understand if it's the change from the MM loving his spouse to him falling out of love to be with the OW, but far-fetched and "puzzling" if it's an OW falling out of love with MM and thinking he is as horrible as many OW make the BS he once loved seem or worse yet, if a WS's feelings change for the OW/OM?

 

If fOW are downplaying the A if they say it ruined them, then be fair, MM who are still married and cheating and saying the spouse they chose to marry is so horrible now, are also downplaying their M and rewriting as well., as by the same logic: didn't they choose their spouse? Didn't they want that relationship at one point? Heck, they wanted it so much they decided to be legally bound and have witnesses to observe their desire for that commitment. So why are they saying it's soooo horrible now? If it's cognitive dissonance for fOW then it's the same for MM, perhaps they are trying to make themselves feel justified in their affair by acting like they never loved their wives or are being abused by them etc. so they feel they deserve the A. Yet, you don't see this view on the part of the happy OW, naturally, no way is the MM rewriting, according to happy OW, it isn't at all cognitive dissonance or downplaying, but the gospel truth lol, when it, by the logic presented, is likely the exact same thing.

 

Actually no, it's not "the exact same thing". Even the post quoted allows that it's EITHER a change in the MM's perspective on the BW, OR the BW themselves that changes over time.

 

In the latter case, which probably occurs more often than the former, since most people change over time, the couple finds they're changing in different directions and the MM looks at the BW and decides he no longer likes what he sees.

 

In the OW case described in the post above, the MM typically has not changed since the OW loved him (or may have - but since she's no longer in the R, she can't really know that he has, or how he has, unless she maintains a R with him of a different nature eg colleagues) but what has changed is her perspective. It's known as " rewriting history" when discussed over on the infidelity board, looked down on as a bad thing there, as in, "s/he felt differently at the time, they're only reconstructing their memories to be less glowing now because it suits their current situation to choose to think this now".

 

So the gospel truth lol, when it, by the logic presented, is likely the exact same thing.

[ladydesigner]

Actually no, it's not "the exact same thing". Even the post quoted allows that it's EITHER a change in the MM's perspective on the BW, OR the BW themselves that changes over time.

 

In the latter case, which probably occurs more often than the former, since most people change over time, the couple finds they're changing in different directions and the MM looks at the BW and decides he no longer likes what he sees.

 

In the OW case described in the post above, the MM typically has not changed since the OW loved him (or may have - but since she's no longer in the R, she can't really know that he has, or how he has, unless she maintains a R with him of a different nature eg colleagues) but what has changed is her perspective. It's known as " rewriting history" when discussed over on the infidelity board, looked down on as a bad thing there, as in, "s/he felt differently at the time, they're only reconstructing their memories to be less glowing now because it suits their current situation to choose to think this now".

 

So the gospel truth lol, when it, by the logic presented, is likely the exact same thing.

 

Yeah but if this is the case then the MM should leave or the BS should be told, that way the BS can be free to find that kind of love as well. And sometimes the BW feels unsatisfied in the M too but doesn't decide to cheat. These situations can be looked at in any way, but the only person who has all the cards is the WS. Most of the time the OW and BS are only given some version of truth.

 

I believe my WH's perspective of me changed. I was also changing as a person over the years to the point that I felt like my WH was regressing, almost child-like and that was very unattractive to me, but my WH decided to cheat to make himself feel better rather than do the real work at taking a look at our M. It was easier for him to just place all negative and blame on me. Don't get me wrong it takes 2 people in a M so it is both of our faults that we let it get to that point. We definitely had major communication issues.

[MissBee]

Actually no, it's not "the exact same thing". Even the post quoted allows that it's EITHER a change in the MM's perspective on the BW, OR the BW themselves that changes over time.

 

In the latter case, which probably occurs more often than the former, since most people change over time, the couple finds they're changing in different directions and the MM looks at the BW and decides he no longer likes what he sees.

 

In the OW case described in the post above, the MM typically has not changed since the OW loved him (or may have - but since she's no longer in the R, she can't really know that he has, or how he has, unless she maintains a R with him of a different nature eg colleagues) but what has changed is her perspective. It's known as " rewriting history" when discussed over on the infidelity board, looked down on as a bad thing there, as in, "s/he felt differently at the time, they're only reconstructing their memories to be less glowing now because it suits their current situation to choose to think this now".

 

So the gospel truth lol, when it, by the logic presented, is likely the exact same thing.

 

 

To keep things in the context of the original question: SoHappy seems unable to understand how an OW can come to feel the affair ruined her, because she once wanted it. I don't see what is so puzzling about a change of perspective or feeling about a relationship (or anything else), as OW, including SoHappy herself, often have no problem believing MM's feelings about the BW can change and be legitimate. The legitimacy of this change of feelings/perspective is case by case. Some MM do rewrite their marital history to alleviate the guilt they feel for participating in the affair, for some, perhaps things/the BS did change. The problem though is the seamless way in which "unrepentant OW" can easily understand MM's perspective, yet cannot understand and are puzzled by the perspective of a repentant WS or fOW who isn't speaking about the A glowingly, no matter how similar the logic may be to MM's.

 

If MM grows to fall out of love with BS and sees her as the spawn of Satan = perfectly understandable.

 

If WS no longer wants to be with OW and says it's the worst thing he's ever done = lies, lies, false

 

If OW is out of the A and says she wish she hadn't = lies, lies, false.

 

I simply fine this a curious and biased way of thinking about things.

 

Anyway, SoHappy seems to be reinforcing the point about her own relationship, as usual, and how he was "just her boyfriend" which really doesn't address other affairs and how and why they are downplayed by the WS, especially if the WS hasn't left. I already addressed that.

 

And why do we, as AP's then say things like "I'm so glad I'm out of it, it ruined my life" when obviously at the time we wanted the relationship. It was not (most of the time) just sex. It was a loving, full on relationship, even if the WS was married at the time. I just didn't feel that my bf loved me any less because we began as an A and I know a plethora of relationships that are the same. If we weren't in love, it would be a lot easier. That is exactly why it is called a 'love affair'. We're in love.

 

The quoted is making assumptions about how all OW felt in the A and the extent of the relationship and how satisfying it was to all OW. SoHappy should only speak for herself...not every A is about being in love where the MM was "just a boyfriend". Fact. For many, the love is fickle or one-sided or most commonly it's simply a dead-end. Also...I think the idea that fOW rewrite is a misconception promoted by "the unrepentant"...if you look around LS, lots of the OW who are hurt, upset, wanting to end things, confused, in emotional turmoil, back and forth, etc. are currently OW. That is: it was never a case that they were soooo content and happy with the A and then it ended and they all of a sudden changed their tune...which is what you seem to think and SoHappy. The reality is that most people wanted a relationship with the person NOT an affair itself. While they may love or care for the person, they usually don't enjoy secrecy, lies, and the constrains of an A (and yes MOST As are this way versus these out in the open As which 1 or 2 posters had). Thus, while they are trying to have a "just a bf" relationship, it's darn hard to get for most, and it eventually wears on them, and causes much distress and hurt. This is waaaaaaayyyyy before the A ends....in fact that's what encourages the ending for many and even encourages OW to force ddays and the like. That's closer to the reality than the idea that the A was perfect and lovely and glowing always until it ended fOW changed their tune because they caught the dreaded disease of reform. Add a dday, being strung on for years about leaving, throwing under the bus and MM downplaying and lying about the AP and going back to their BS....why would an OW who faced such not be glad to get away from that?

 

Love is as love does...and just because you loved someone doesn't mean it was the best situation for you or couldn't be hurtful. Heck, people who marry abusers, they are darn glad to be over with it, although clearly they wanted it at one point, for all kinds of good or bad reasons, and it's no different with an A. Should those who dated abusers and say it ruined their life be seen as downplaying or as coming to their senses? I had good times in the relationship but didn't enjoy the affair aspect...and I didn't need to rewrite anything, as the reason it ended was because from before it ended it was starting to wear on me.

 

Just because you're a "happy OW" doesn't mean everyone is. Majority see the A as a means to an end and majority usually end up hurt and dissatisfied. I've read other OW forums, and it's the same...even happy OW biiitch and moan about certain dynamics which only exist because of the A, they complain about constrained time, complain about his wife, complain about broken plans, fear dday and the wife finding out, LOTS AND LOTS of aspects are unpleasant, even to the OW who doesn't plan on leaving. I truly don't understand what's hard in that to understand.....if you don't regret your A, and esp if your MM left, you have less reason to...but why should OW who were mistreated, strung along, or downplayed by the WS not have legitimate regrets? It makes perfect sense that if you settled or contorted or waited and waited that when you leave the A, you're happy as a lark about it. Even OW who are now wife or legit gf, most don't want to go back to being OW, why?? Because it wasn't ideal.

Edited July 12, 2013 by MissBee