Question for OW/OM

[So happy together]

I was reading a topic on another forum and I just wanted to broach the subject here for some insight.

 

I'm just trying to figure out why, after Dday, the relationship between the AP and the WS is downplayed so much. I'm not really talking about how much sex, when, how long the A took place, I'm talking more about the love, emotions, fun, giving of time etc. between the AP and the WS. Because it IS a relationship He's just 'my boyfriend'. He's not my married man, and I don't only get a little piece of him. I may not have received all the time (just as time would be taken from me for his work, child, other obligations etc.), but I definitely got all of the emotions etc. from a normal, loving relationship. In our entire R I have never had difficulty reaching my bf. I am not relegated to weekdays from 9-5. I'm not told 'not to call, text, email'. For me, it just felt and still feels like a normal relationship. I know I can't be the only one who feels this way.

 

Is the relationship downplayed so that the BS can heal? I wonder if it's easy to say "midlife crisis" "She seduced him" "she's crazy" "it was just sex" etc. so that they can get over it.

 

And why do we, as AP's then say things like "I'm so glad I'm out of it, it ruined my life" when obviously at the time we wanted the relationship. It was not (most of the time) just sex. It was a loving, full on relationship, even if the WS was married at the time. I just didn't feel that my bf loved me any less because we began as an A and I know a plethora of relationships that are the same. If we weren't in love, it would be a lot easier. That is exactly why it is called a 'love affair'. We're in love.

 

I'm just trying to understand the dynamic, I suppose because it doesn't seem to make much sense.

[Clemenza]

I think much of the downplaying that can happen is out of fear. I think many WW and WH are afraid of losing security and familiarity, so they only admit to what their spouse already knows. My xMW probably didn't tell her H "It was about more than sex. I've been in love with (my name) for over a year. I've never felt that way about anybody before." I have a feeling she just admitted to what he found out about because she had a lot to lose. Maybe she spilled it all during MC, but I doubt it.

 

And it's weird to say, because the A itself is obviously a pinnacle of hurt, but the WW and WH probably don't want to hurt their spouse more by exposing details or depth.

 

I guess that's one of the many negative aspects of being involved in an A. Nobody, other than the two of you, will really know the depth of what was going on. People on the outside will think it was just about sex and will never know or understand what was at the core.

[Pierre]

People on the outside will think it was just about sex and will never know or understand what was at the core.

 

Err, Hmm, the mating habits of humans are well known. The biochemistry of love is also well known. There is no mystery here.

[Clemenza]

Err, Hmm, the mating habits of humans are well known. The biochemistry of love is also well known. There is no mystery here.

 

Well I could be wrong. I have just always thought and observed that people who find out about other people having A's put it into a "fling" or "just sex" compartment. It seems like many don't consider that something happened beyond that.

 

I'm not convinced that the average person is as well versed in biochemistry as you are, Pierre. That's not sarcasm. I really don't think the average person considers those things.

[Pierre]

Well I could be wrong. I have just always thought and observed that people who find out about other people having A's put it into a "fling" or "just sex" compartment. It seems like many don't consider that something happened beyond that.

 

I'm not convinced that the average person is as well versed in biochemistry as you are, Pierre. That's not sarcasm. I really don't think the average person considers those things.

 

I believe the affair is intense and charged with a ton of romance. Those that think otherwise are in negation. Sometimes the EA component can be incredibly addictive. Most affairs are intensely romantic, but that is often a function of the participants.

[So happy together]

I believe the affair is intense and charged with a ton of romance. Those that think otherwise are in negation. Sometimes the EA component can be incredibly addictive. Most affairs are intensely romantic, but that is often a function of the participants.

 

 

I won't deny my R is very romantic, but so are other relationships. For me it was just the beginning of a relationship, not the beginning of an affair.

[MissBee]

Downplayed by who? Do you mean on LS or offline? Do you mean by the WS or BS?

 

But think about it: if after dday the married person is not leaving, why wouldn't they downplay it and then give their BS license to follow suit? Why would the MP who is staying or reconciling emote on and on about the affair? Why would the BS sit around validating the affair relationship? And why should it matter to the OW/OM? Lots of OW/OM say the BS is irrelevant to the affair and the relationship is with the MP, which is true to a large extent, so post dday, esp if the MP stays put, perhaps BSs follows that logic, that their relationship is with their spouse and that's what they're focused on so they shall ignore or write off the affair relationship, as them caring about it or validating it is irrelevant to their life, and this is with the help of their WS, who most time heads the downplaying campaign in an attempt to save their ass. I've never reconciled a marriage, but I do imagine, while WSs need an outlet to acknowledge their feelings for their AP, which I do believe can be real, I don't think in a dday where they aren't leaving, that's a top priority, and will only rub salt in the wound, so downplaying comes in handy.

 

In a dday, from where I stand, if my married boyfriend chooses to stay and reconcile, even if he is only pretending, those actions are the ones which downplay the relationship....and it only makes sense logically that a BS would follow his lead. If in the A the BS didn't matter, if the MM downplayed his marriage, if the APs ignored that a spouse existed and if lots wrote off the marriage as a convenience, vestigial, sexless, roommates, irrelevant, etc., why upon a dday should a BS be held to a different standard (if the question is saying BSs downplay it that is)? Why should a BS not also minimize the A? Why should the BS acknowlege it was "real" or "love"? Seriously...think about it? If many OW/OM don't acknowledge the marriage in that way, why on God's green earth would a BS turn around and validate the A and most importantly, why should it matter to the OW/OM? I sure as hell wouldn't expect the BS to be the one to shout it from the roofs that what me and her husband had was real lol...that isn't her concern, naturally. Just as in the A, she wasn't mine.

 

After dday all bets are off. The same MM who minimized his marriage will be the one to head the minimizing of the A. The minimized marriage was to help the affair, the minimized affair is to help the marriage. It's unrealistic to expect a MM who isn't leaving to go on about the great real love in the affair and it's even less realistic to expect a BS to make it her primary focus to see the value in the A. The OW/OM herself or himself has to be the one to validate their own relationship and look for cues from the MP which confirms it...which is hard in a dday if you've been thrown under the bus or minimized or dropped and NCed. But they cannot and should not expect any validation of their relationship by the BS post dday.

Edited July 10, 2013 by MissBee

[Ssgrimes]

I know in my case it was downplayed because the wife wasn't given the truth. I'm fairly certain that she does not know how long we have known each other, how often we saw each other, and how much we communicated. If she knew all of the information, I think it would have played out very different. He continued to talk to me for a few weeks after Dday. That makes me think that there were many omissions.

 

Looking back, it was a real relationship, I even have a hard time calling it that now though. I think that as an AP, what I thought was real and the reality of the situation post dday are a wake up call. Do I think he cared about me, yes without a doubt. But, do I think he cared more about protecting himself, that is obviously so.

 

So I think when it is downplayed, it is typically done to protect, or preserve, the marriage

[Pierre]

I won't deny my R is very romantic, but so are other relationships. For me it was just the beginning of a relationship, not the beginning of an affair.

 

You are very insistent in making your relationship different. And you may have a point. An exit affair is extremely different from a cake eating affair. Relationships end everyday whether there is an exit affair or not.

 

My comment had to do with the ability of some folks to get real high in romance within an extramarital affair, Sure, the unavailability, the hurdles, the secrets, the competition fuel high end romance, but this is not for everybody. I had a lot of EAs and I could never have sex with the MOWs. It just did not feel right to put my penis there. It s something I would not enjoy. I rather have the women be 100% mine.:love: However, the emotional side was fun, but even then I knew where the brakes were and how to use them.

 

 

I had to apply the brakes with a subset of women that went into high end romance right away. This proclivity was apparent in many and to be honest I did not want to go there because I could smell the trouble. I was just unable to lose it like many other folks do.

[MissBee]

I think much of the downplaying that can happen is out of fear. I think many WW and WH are afraid of losing security and familiarity, so they only admit to what their spouse already knows. My xMW probably didn't tell her H "It was about more than sex. I've been in love with (my name) for over a year. I've never felt that way about anybody before." I have a feeling she just admitted to what he found out about because she had a lot to lose. Maybe she spilled it all during MC, but I doubt it.

 

And it's weird to say, because the A itself is obviously a pinnacle of hurt, but the WW and WH probably don't want to hurt their spouse more by exposing details or depth.

I guess that's one of the many negative aspects of being involved in an A. Nobody, other than the two of you, will really know the depth of what was going on. People on the outside will think it was just about sex and will never know or understand what was at the core.

 

This is a good point. I mentioned something similar before seeing your post.

 

I think that is part of the A parcel, where it is often very insular, or one-sided.

 

The single OW/OM may tell everyone about their MP and for them it fosters the reality of the relationship, while for the MP, who may tell no one, it is already being downplayed because their AP is a secret to most, even if they care or love them. For the MOW/MOM in an A with another MP, it gets even more insular, as most times no one in either of their lives knows about the relationship, besides them and the feelings therein are just for them to know. There is something unnatural about a secret relationship that, esp upon a dday, will cause even the OW/OM to question the reality of any of it.

 

People expect, naturally, that when you love someone you want to tell the world and show them off...it's a natural feeling to have. In most people's minds, marriage, with a wedding, rings, etc. are public proclamations that you love this person and want a life with them. Some APs downplay marriage as this obligatory, forced thing, and ignore the reality that for many MM/MW they were in love and happy and wanted the world to know, when they got married. This reality is often downplayed so much by OW/OM. However, I think most people see the investment which goes into a marriage and don't think a secret affair, where no one ever heard of this OW/OM is on the same level, so think it's just sex. It's not an unfair bias...it's a bias which is grounded in how the relationship plays out. If you were a secret, your boyfriend's family, friends, kids, never met or heard of you, then when his wife finds out you have to go underground or he drops you or goes into NC....why would anyone say "Yeppp....looks like real, true love!" They won't....and only you and the MP will know the truth, with the MP having more of the upper hand most times.

 

If the MP acknowledges the love, puts their foot down, leaves and doesn't reconcile....that's validation which other people can also see without a doubt. However, it's illogical to expect that those not in the A, will see a MP stay put, try to reconcile, go into NC etc. and assume the A was anything more than a distraction. They aren't thinking it at random, but are looking at the evidence of what plays out....and the WS more so than anyone else is whose lead people follow in the downplaying.

[cocorico]

I was reading a topic on another forum and I just wanted to broach the subject here for some insight.

 

I'm just trying to figure out why, after Dday, the relationship between the AP and the WS is downplayed so much. I'm not really talking about how much sex, when, how long the A took place, I'm talking more about the love, emotions, fun, giving of time etc. between the AP and the WS. Because it IS a relationship He's just 'my boyfriend'. He's not my married man, and I don't only get a little piece of him. I may not have received all the time (just as time would be taken from me for his work, child, other obligations etc.), but I definitely got all of the emotions etc. from a normal, loving relationship. In our entire R I have never had difficulty reaching my bf. I am not relegated to weekdays from 9-5. I'm not told 'not to call, text, email'. For me, it just felt and still feels like a normal relationship. I know I can't be the only one who feels this way.

 

Is the relationship downplayed so that the BS can heal? I wonder if it's easy to say "midlife crisis" "She seduced him" "she's crazy" "it was just sex" etc. so that they can get over it.

 

And why do we, as AP's then say things like "I'm so glad I'm out of it, it ruined my life" when obviously at the time we wanted the relationship. It was not (most of the time) just sex. It was a loving, full on relationship, even if the WS was married at the time. I just didn't feel that my bf loved me any less because we began as an A and I know a plethora of relationships that are the same. If we weren't in love, it would be a lot easier. That is exactly why it is called a 'love affair'. We're in love.

 

I'm just trying to understand the dynamic, I suppose because it doesn't seem to make much sense.

 

I think ARs are downplayed for different reasons, depending on who's doing so, and in what circumstances.

 

For the OW / OM who got dumped, it's easier to minimise the R the way many people minimise any unsuccessful R. The person dumped by a BF or GF who moves on stereotypically gets hammered with their friends and slags off the former BF or GF, trashing the, and the R so that they don't feel quite so bad about losing them.

 

It seems to be particularly likely for those fAPs who acted against their own values in having the A, and who are vulnerable to becoming reformed, because the cognitive dissonance involved in accepting that it was wonderful and meant the world to you while seeing it (and your own behaviour) as wrong, is simply too hard to bear.

 

The MM / MW who feels compelled to dump the OW / OM because they do not yet feel ready to leave their M on DDay is likely doing some of the same, and some face-saving to avoid getting kicked out by the BS.

 

The BS who elects to stay with the WS likely needs to minimise the A to be able to feel secure enough in the M to start to invest in it and to trust the WS.

 

The WS who chooses to leave the M, and the AP whose WS leaves the M, do not have the same motivation to downplay the A, but may do so anyway if it went against their values (the same cognitive dissonance as me turned above).

 

For those fWS and fAPs whose behaviour was less in opposition to their values, that blinding need to distance themselves from their "shameful" past does not present in the same way, and where fAPs end up together, the early days of "loving against the odds" can be remembered fondly as the triumph of love over adversity.

[Pierre]

I was reading a topic on another forum and I just wanted to broach the subject here for some insight.

 

I'm just trying to figure out why, after Dday, the relationship between the AP and the WS is downplayed so much.

Is the relationship downplayed so that the BS can heal?

 

You gotta be kidding?

 

Use common sense. Rationalization is not only in the domain of folks having EMRs. The BS needs to rationalize to try to save the marriage.

 

 

Have you asked yourself why the OWs downplay so much the marital life of the AP at home. Same thing! Welcome to the human race.

 

Have you noted how you try to rationalize and pretend you were not having an EMR? Same thing!

 

All of us need to rationalize to proceed with whatever we are doing.

[cocorico]

You gotta be kidding?

 

Use common sense. Rationalization is not only in the domain of folks having EMRs. The BS needs to rationalize to try to save the marriage.

 

 

Have you asked yourself why the OWs downplay so much the marital life of the AP at home. Same thing! Welcome to the human race.

 

Have you noted how you try to rationalize and pretend you were not having an EMR? Same thing!

 

All of us need to rationalize to proceed with whatever we are doing.

 

Speak for yourself - if that holds true for you, then great. But for those of use who behave in ways that are in accordance with our values, there is no need for rationalisation.

 

Nor for denial. We can own our pasts, with neither boastfulness nor regret, but simply with honesty. I'm sorry you feel you cannot do the same. It's really a much less stressful place to be, I'm sure.

[Pierre]

Rationalization after understanding how rationalization works is always possible, but somewhat more difficult to do.

[cocorico]

Rationalization after understanding how rationalization works is always possible, but somewhat more difficult to do.

 

In which case one can only admire your efforts!

 

Really, my way is so much easier. I really would recommend it.

[HopingAgain]

Perception is reality. I got a 3rd party seat outside looking in to my husbands affair on Dday, as i heard some conversations they had unbeknowst to them. through that, I got an idea that their affair was a friendship that was on the verge of becoming more serious. My husband was holding back on the emotional side, I know that sex was a major motivator for him. The OW in his case was seeking something deeper and wanting to get emotionally closer to my H. So when WH weighed in with his version of events of the affair on Dday and in the months afterwards, they have lined up with what I perceived to be true through their conversations, and through my own observations.

 

The OW in our case was the one who seemingly thought that the affair was on more serious terms. as she pursued after Dday knowing that the gig was up after my WH went NC. So obviously her perception was different and her reality was that the affair was more meaningful. So I suppose it truly does depend on who is telling the story: WS/BS/or OW.

[So happy together]

You gotta be kidding?

 

Use common sense. Rationalization is not only in the domain of folks having EMRs. The BS needs to rationalize to try to save the marriage.

 

 

Have you asked yourself why the OWs downplay so much the marital life of the AP at home. Same thing! Welcome to the human race.

 

Have you noted how you try to rationalize and pretend you were not having an EMR? Same thing!

 

All of us need to rationalize to proceed with whatever we are doing.

 

The word rationalize means to justify actions using plausible, logical reasons. It's when you can't rationalize something that it's bad. I'm quite rational in what happened in my R. I understand that I was in a friendship with him for 18 years. We were never intimate, never kissed, were close but not overly so. We were friends. However I don't deny that I always liked him. Our affair didn't begin until 18 months ago, and when it did, I openly and readily admitted it was an affair. I never hid or lied about anything. I'm not embarrassed or ashamed of anything, including the fact that we spent the first few months of our relationship in an affair status because he was trying to figure out how to leave a long standing alcoholic, dysfunctional person.

 

I understand why BS's downplay it. They don't want to think their husband could love someone else. That their relationship had fallen so badly into disrepair. I just wondered what other's views were.

[Journee]

The word rationalize means to justify actions using plausible, logical reasons. It's when you can't rationalize something that it's bad. I'm quite rational in what happened in my R. I understand that I was in a friendship with him for 18 years. We were never intimate, never kissed, were close but not overly so. We were friends. However I don't deny that I always liked him. Our affair didn't begin until 18 months ago, and when it did, I openly and readily admitted it was an affair. I never hid or lied about anything. I'm not embarrassed or ashamed of anything, including the fact that we spent the first few months of our relationship in an affair status because he was trying to figure out how to leave a long standing alcoholic, dysfunctional person.

 

I understand why BS's downplay it. They don't want to think their husband could love someone else. That their relationship had fallen so badly into disrepair. I just wondered what other's views were.

 

 

 

Happy,

 

You and I get in pretty well so I just want to understand a little here.

 

What would you have a BS or hurt AP do? Would you have them in constant despair? Comparing themselves to the MP's other world? Feeling second rate and undeserving?

 

There are lots of folks that admit their faults and shortcomings. This doesn't take away from what can be does it?

 

Shall I slink into a hole somewhere and live out the aftermath day after day?

 

Can we not move forward and accept what has taken place and make decisions from there?

 

I certainly will. I would hope others will do the same. I would not encourage an AP to dwell on why this or that didn't happen. There are other explanations than love as we have seen and heard here.

 

I just hope that everyone sees that no one is immune to infidelity. It can and does happen to all kinds. I with venture to say that most do not deserve it whether they are imperfect or not. You even mentioned that if your bf would choose a different path that it wouldn't take away from what you had with him. Why should it with anyone else?

[Pierre]

The word rationalize means to justify actions using plausible, logical reasons. It's when you can't rationalize something that it's bad. I'm quite rational in what happened in my R. I understand that I was in a friendship with him for 18 years. We were never intimate, never kissed, were close but not overly so. We were friends. However I don't deny that I always liked him. Our affair didn't begin until 18 months ago, and when it did, I openly and readily admitted it was an affair. I never hid or lied about anything. I'm not embarrassed or ashamed of anything, including the fact that we spent the first few months of our relationship in an affair status because he was trying to figure out how to leave a long standing alcoholic, dysfunctional person.

 

I understand why BS's downplay it. They don't want to think their husband could love someone else. That their relationship had fallen so badly into disrepair. I just wondered what other's views were.

 

I do agree with you. We are a bit confused and need to choose words correctly:

 

1. Rationalization, as the name suggests, is the process of making fractions rational.

 

 

 

2. Immanuel Kant (1724–1804) argued that moral requirements are based on a standard of rationality he dubbed the “Categorical Imperative” (CI). Immorality thus involves a violation of the CI and is thereby irrational. Other philosophers, such as Locke and Hobbes, had also argued that moral requirements are based on standards of rationality.

 

 

3. Rationalization

By GILLIAN FOURNIER

 

A defense mechanism involving the construction of a logical justification for seemingly illogical or unacceptable feelings or behaviors. Rationalization can be conscious or subconscious, and is one of Freud’s proposed defense mechanisms. This defensive manuever is often called “making excuses.”

 

People who rationalize know on some level (conscious or unconscious) that they have done something unwise or ill-advised and therefore they concoct a reason (or many reasons) why they did the right thing. Generally, this defense mechanism is used to avoid feelings of intense guilt.

[MissBee]

Minimization after a dday and minimization when the relationship ends are not one and the same, although it definitely happens that dday is simultaneously the end of the affair for many. I thought the question was about specifically after a dday and not just an affair ending for any reason.

 

It still wasn't clarified by the OP what/who she was referring to when she was talking about downplaying, as that who, is important in getting a sense of why.

 

My A did not end on account of it being discovered. There was never a dday. I never had to minimize my own feelings about it. I don't know what he did during that time we weren't speaking. If however, there was a dday, as in, it was discovered, and he chose to stay put....his actions downplayed the relationship and if his BS wanted to downplay it too, why shouldn't she if her man dropped me or pretends to and decides to make it work with her? Rightly, she wasn't in the relationship so can only know what happened based on what he says, unless there is evidence otherwise. He has to lead off the downplaying in that case, just like the flip side where the MP is the one who tells the OW/OM about their marriage and many also downplay then too. DDay isn't the same as one or both people deciding to end the A....dday is often when the shyt hits the fan against one or both people's wills and in such a time, what happens next in terms of downplaying is usually led off by the WS and then BS follows suit.

 

Most OW/OM don't downplay their A, esp not from what I've seen on LS. Most have no issues saying they were in love, it was real for them, they wanted more, etc. Look around! I hardly see any OW/OM come here and say "It meant nothing...it was just sex." WSs are the ones who need to say that to the BS and if they are saying so, then if the BS wants to reconcile, of course he or she will follow the WS's lead when they say those things. The only time I see OW/OM downplaying is when they first get into it and say it's casual, while posting everyday about the MP...which doesn't add up. They downplay their investment often, until it becomes obvious...but post dday, most are distraught and aren't downplaying how they felt but are very frank about their emotional investment.

 

Point is: a BS is not going to validate your relationship esp if their spouse, through their actions post the discovery of the A, has led the march saying it meant nothing. If dday results in the APs being together, why would they downplay it? No need to. If dday results in the A going underground, the WS is downplaying it to the world, likewise if dday results in the MP choosing to stay married and reconcile, it will also be downplayed by them and their spouse or probably, more likely, simply not validated.

 

OW/OM upset about their relationship being downplayed after dday need to take it up with their exMP or current MP as I'm sure they are the ones who led the charge.

[So happy together]

Happy,

 

You and I get in pretty well so I just want to understand a little here.

 

What would you have a BS or hurt AP do? Would you have them in constant despair? Comparing themselves to the MP's other world? Feeling second rate and undeserving?

 

There are lots of folks that admit their faults and shortcomings. This doesn't take away from what can be does it?

 

Shall I slink into a hole somewhere and live out the aftermath day after day?

 

Can we not move forward and accept what has taken place and make decisions from there?

 

I would absolutely not want anyone in despair. I just wondered what the thought process was. This is why I often wonder if BS and OW are not just flip sides of the same coin. Some people think I should spend my life being upset that my R began as an affair. But the horse has left the barn. Beyond that, I don't know if our R would have turned out differently. Do I like that he (and I in some way) hurt stbxw? No. I feel bad that she is hurt, but at the same time, feel that she, and he, should have tried to make it work years ago instead of letting it fall apart. She was happy in the marriage, he was not. He states that she was happy because he stopped trying and she just had to be drunk. ALL DAY. He was miserable. There are reasons he stayed so long that I've already been over. So, here we are, 18 months in, having planned this, made everything out in the open, going in the right direction. And yet... I'm still in 'trouble' with some for being an 'unrepentant OW'. Um... that is not okay with me. Not that I deny I was that, but to be constantly dragged through the mud because 'some' would paint me the villain even after we have made things right and moved on. And others would hate me simply because it worked out for me. So... I guess I just wondered what went through people's heads. I appreciate what you said, and I wouldn't want to live in despair either. I think if you decide to reconcile, and you both throw yourselves into it and are happy, that's good. Happiness matters. Also, I'll get slain for this,(and this is JUST MY SITUATION) but I am of the opinion that nobody was happy to begin with. So, we have an unhappy wife, and unhappy husband. He finds someone and when the Dday came, he chose me. That doesn't make me any worse that BS who gave up, let herself go, wouldn't touch him, left him lonely, vacationing alone, raising a daughter alone, on and on. So he chose me. It wasn't even a competition, he just found love.

[sweet_pea]

What is your opinion on the WS being the one to downplay the affair? I haven't seen you address that point which was more clearly stated by MissBee.

[So happy together]

Minimization after a dday and minimization when the relationship ends are not one and the same, although it definitely happens that dday is simultaneously the end of the affair for many. I thought the question was about specifically after a dday and not just an affair ending for any reason.

 

It still wasn't clarified by the OP what/who she was referring to when she was talking about downplaying, as that who, is important in getting a sense of why.

 

My A did not end on account of it being discovered. There was never a dday. I never had to minimize my own feelings about it. I don't know what he did during that time we weren't speaking. If however, there was a dday, as in, it was discovered, and he chose to stay put....his actions downplayed the relationship and if his BS wanted to downplay it too, why shouldn't she if her man dropped me or pretends to and decides to make it work with her? Rightly, she wasn't in the relationship so can only know what happened based on what he says, unless there is evidence otherwise. He has to lead off the downplaying in that case, just like the flip side where the MP is the one who tells the OW/OM about their marriage and many also downplay then too. DDay isn't the same as one or both people deciding to end the A....dday is often when the shyt hits the fan against one or both people's wills and in such a time, what happens next in terms of downplaying is usually led off by the WS and then BS follows suit.

 

Most OW/OM don't downplay their A, esp not from what I've seen on LS. Most have no issues saying they were in love, it was real for them, they wanted more, etc. Look around! I hardly see any OW/OM come here and say "It meant nothing...it was just sex." WSs are the ones who need to say that to the BS and if they are saying so, then if the BS wants to reconcile, of course he or she will follow the WS's lead when they say those things. The only time I see OW/OM downplaying is when they first get into it and say it's casual, while posting everyday about the MP...which doesn't add up. They downplay their investment often, until it becomes obvious...but post dday, most are distraught and aren't downplaying how they felt but are very frank about their emotional investment.

 

Point is: a BS is not going to validate your relationship esp if their spouse, through their actions post the discovery of the A, has led the march saying it meant nothing. If dday results in the APs being together, why would they downplay it? No need to. If dday results in the A going underground, the WS is downplaying it to the world, likewise if dday results in the MP choosing to stay married and reconcile, it will also be downplayed by them and their spouse or probably, more likely, simply not validated.

 

OW/OM upset about their relationship being downplayed after dday need to take it up with their exMP or current MP as I'm sure they are the ones who led the charge.

 

 

Miss Bee,

 

I don't expect validation, and I understand the point you are making. I can't even remember what I posted anymore. I guess I just wondered why it is that it has to become the fault of the crazy OW, in one form or another. But it was WS who got involved with AP. What happened? A psychotic break on the MM's part? No, he didn't. And while I agree some of the excuses are true, I think that mostly MM find someone that they enjoy for whatever reason. I'm tired of OW always being the villain. And I've never met a BS wearing a halo. Why is it that the marriage is golden, but a valid, loving relationship between a OW and MM is shyte and could never, ever work.

 

As I've said, In my relationship, I feel that he was transitioning out of a very painful marriage. I have never, ever contacted her. I've never said negative things to or about her, except here, and she can blame me all she likes. But the truth is, he fell out of love with her, was incredibly unhappy and left.

 

And still. I am 'crazy'. I am a 'husband stealer'. I 'ruined her life' 'He should have just bought a new red car'.

 

She says these things to him. To her daughter. To her parents. To his parents. She can't just admit the marriage was over. I don't want to hear any garbage about how he should have left first. It wouldn't have mattered.

[xxoo]

Feelings about people, and situations, change with perspective. A former AP or WS who is in pain and regrets the affair may have a very different view from someone in the throes of the affair. Feelings that felt strong at the time may now seem difficult to understand or explain.

 

Example from a life experience unrelated to affairs:

Maybe I develop a passion for sports car, get one, love it, but get in a crash in it that horribly injures a dear friend. After that, I hate the race car, and can't evoke the feelings of love that I once had for it. I never want to see it again. Any desire I had for it now seems insignificant, and my focus on it seems regretful.

[So happy together]

Feelings about people, and situations, change with perspective. A former AP or WS who is in pain and regrets the affair may have a very different view from someone in the throes of the affair. Feelings that felt strong at the time may now seem difficult to understand or explain.

 

Example from a life experience unrelated to affairs:

Maybe I develop a passion for sports car, get one, love it, but get in a crash in it that horribly injures a dear friend. After that, I hate the race car, and can't evoke the feelings of love that I once had for it. I never want to see it again. Any desire I had for it now seems insignificant, and my focus on it seems regretful.

 

Well, turn it around. Why are you blaming the sports car? Blame the driver.