bolase Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 (posted in wrong forum) I started seeing a guy I work with; both late twenties, serious job but casual environment. We like each other and have made the awkward transition from after work drink pals to dating once/twice a week. I've slept over, no sex yet but getting more comfortable physically. He steals me away for secret kisses, "inadvertently" told someone at work about us, and the other day brought up that he needs to visit an area for a week for research for a (personal) project and said 'im not sure how appropriate it is to ask, but perhaps youd want to come with me' - I said potentially. so far so good! The issue: He seems very hurt. He broke up with a long term partner 3 months ago (has slept with someone since in a fwb arrangement- his friends ex [red flag?]). He said he has lost all his confidence over the last year and needs to get it back. And various comments about not wanting kids/getting the snip, wanting a break from sex/relationships (before we did anything romantic), sighs when he says "relationships"..etc. I asked him, "its almost like youre telling me not to like you..' and he responded that it was sort of a disclaimer of who he is right now. He also thinks theres no point to living, tho he enjoys life. I prefer to hope that there is! I'm just wondering what to do. We have fun and great chemistry exists between us, but we have completely different interests. Him and his ex were about as similar as you can be. If we continue I'd sleep with him (last time we got close he said it would almost feel wrong and we should "save" [sex]!), but I want to know how he sees this going. Do I ask?
Maleficent Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 I've learned the hard way. As soon as something sounds like 'we like each other but ...' That 'but' should tell you to run for the hills! Relationships shouldn't be complicated. 2
TigerCub Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 (posted in wrong forum) I started seeing a guy I work with; both late twenties, serious job but casual environment. We like each other and have made the awkward transition from after work drink pals to dating once/twice a week. I've slept over, no sex yet but getting more comfortable physically. He steals me away for secret kisses, "inadvertently" told someone at work about us, and the other day brought up that he needs to visit an area for a week for research for a (personal) project and said 'im not sure how appropriate it is to ask, but perhaps youd want to come with me' - I said potentially. so far so good! The issue: He seems very hurt. He broke up with a long term partner 3 months ago (has slept with someone since in a fwb arrangement- his friends ex [red flag?]). He said he has lost all his confidence over the last year and needs to get it back. And various comments about not wanting kids/getting the snip, wanting a break from sex/relationships (before we did anything romantic), sighs when he says "relationships"..etc. I asked him, "its almost like youre telling me not to like you..' and he responded that it was sort of a disclaimer of who he is right now. He also thinks theres no point to living, tho he enjoys life. I prefer to hope that there is! I'm just wondering what to do. We have fun and great chemistry exists between us, but we have completely different interests. Him and his ex were about as similar as you can be. If we continue I'd sleep with him (last time we got close he said it would almost feel wrong and we should "save" [sex]!), but I want to know how he sees this going. Do I ask? What is it that you're confused about? He's basically saying: I don't want "relationships" but he's ok with casual sex (as demonstrated with the fwb he told you about and with wanting to get snipped) He is hurt and wounded and he's hoping that the nurturer/fixer will come out in you - eventually you'll sleep together, you'll want a relationship but he will tell you "Remember, I'm not ready for a relationship, I don't even believe in them" Then you get hurt and get mad, and he tells you that you really can't be mad at him because you knew this all along... Does that explain it better? 3
Author bolase Posted July 10, 2013 Author Posted July 10, 2013 Need you take on a harsh tone? Hes never told me hes not after a relationship with me.. has also said hes not one of those guys who just want sex.. But thanks for your points. What should I tell him? 1
GorillaTheater Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 What should I tell him? That you want a partner, not a project. 6
RogerWallace111 Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 (edited) I agree it sounds like more trouble than it's worth but all the "he just wants sex!!" sh*t is silly. I was in a similar place as him a few months back and I can guarantee you, it does happen to guys. I wouldn't be so dramatic about it, and would stay upbeat, but I know how it feels to be in that position. The idea of falling in love again can seem very unappetizing in the period after losing a strong one. Even if you see potential with the person and honestly enjoy their company. So many people on here like to go "he's not into you and just wants to bang," but it's not necessarily true. Maybe if you struck him as his dream girl he would suck it up and seriously date you. Maybe. But a broken heart can make that sh*t hard to see/acknowledge in the first place. It's simple. There have been numerous songs about it. Heartbreak hurts & some people hop into to new flings as distraction while others are cautious, introspective and honest with themselves. i.e. Edited July 10, 2013 by RogerWallace111 2
nescafe1982 Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 Need you take on a harsh tone? Hes never told me hes not after a relationship with me.. has also said hes not one of those guys who just want sex.. He basically has told you that, though. He's clearly not after a relationship. You have two options, in my view: 1) If you're down for no-strings rebound sex with this guy, that's on offer; or 2) If you really like him (and think maybe he will be emotionally available for a relationship later), you shouldn't date him right now. So: sex now, or (small) chance of dating for real late. But it looks clear as day to me that this guy is not emotionally available to you (or probably anyone) right now. So it's really about what you want from him. 1
todreaminblue Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 I dont understand the there's no point to life but enjoys living.......he sounds conflicted possible a bit depressed.......doesnt sound ready to date at all or know what he truly wants.......i would hold off dating him until he has some understanding about what the point of life is.......let alone love......he is unavailable to you.....deb
soccerrprp Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 bolase, This guys needs some mending to do for himself and that is only trouble for you. I feel that he is not a good option for you right now. 3
TigerCub Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 Need you take on a harsh tone? Hes never told me hes not after a relationship with me.. has also said hes not one of those guys who just want sex.. But thanks for your points. What should I tell him? I wasn't trying to be harsh. Just saying what I see in this situation. Honestly though the fact that you take his claim that he's not one of those guys that just wants sex as some kind of promise indicates that you need to wise up. He could be a nice guy and all that, but you need to be careful because, believe me lots of guys pull that line - and that's all it turns out to be - a line. As for what you should tell him - be honest. If you want a partner, make that clear. If he's not in a place to give you that - move on.
shexy Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 Need you take on a harsh tone? Hes never told me hes not after a relationship with me.. has also said hes not one of those guys who just want sex.. But thanks for your points. What should I tell him? Um, did you or did you not JUST say he had a FWB? And he's not one of those that just wants sex? Um......really? Does this have to be spelled out for you? 3
Author bolase Posted July 12, 2013 Author Posted July 12, 2013 He basically has told you that, though. He's clearly not after a relationship. You have two options, in my view: 1) If you're down for no-strings rebound sex with this guy, that's on offer; or 2) If you really like him (and think maybe he will be emotionally available for a relationship later), you shouldn't date him right now. So: sex now, or (small) chance of dating for real late. But it looks clear as day to me that this guy is not emotionally available to you (or probably anyone) right now. So it's really about what you want from him. Thanks. No, I'm not really down for no strings sex, because we are quite affectionate for each other. Obviously he seems ot be capable of it - but he has said the the previous girl he was seeing was only when drunk at night and it was like a transaction, not interesting, so I do know he sees this as something separate, we have plenty of friendly respect for each other. It seems too 'ultimatum' to ask him if he sees me as his future partner. but if I just drop things, and don't date him, but would like to potentially in future...what do I say?
Author bolase Posted July 12, 2013 Author Posted July 12, 2013 Thanks, I am getting this feeling. But how do I express this to him? He said if I want to kill time this weekend to text him (I am working on call) and that he would like to bring me lunch on sunday. bolase, This guys needs some mending to do for himself and that is only trouble for you. I feel that he is not a good option for you right now.
RogerWallace111 Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 (edited) I wasn't trying to be harsh. Just saying what I see in this situation. Honestly though the fact that you take his claim that he's not one of those guys that just wants sex as some kind of promise indicates that you need to wise up. He could be a nice guy and all that, but you need to be careful because, believe me lots of guys pull that line - and that's all it turns out to be - a line. As for what you should tell him - be honest. If you want a partner, make that clear. If he's not in a place to give you that - move on. You're a woman, right ? Regardless, I want to clarify, since many people share this one-sided, ignorant, frankly dumbass view : Yes, some are, but NOT EVERY MAN IS AMAZED AND BROUGHT TO HIS KNEES BY THE PROSPECT OF A F*CK TO THE POINT THAT HE'S GOING TO LIE AND PUT ON AN ACT TO GET IT. I'm not. And I'm not a "doormat nice guy". I, like many others, just know there will always be sex to be had, and have other things going on to the point it's not my constant pinnacle goal. . So no need to consider every man guilty until proven innocent in these types of situations. Edited July 12, 2013 by RogerWallace111
twinkie0 Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 "no point in living"? Damn. Tell Ernest Hemingway to calm down. Seriously though, that's rough. He must have had a really, really though breakup, and his confidence was shattered. You should try to get to know him better to see how his confidence was in the first place, before his big breakup, that is. Patience is the name of the game. It takes time for a guy to get back on his feet from a big breakup. Get him to open up and talk to you about it, the whole story (I recommend you get some coffe, it'll probably be really long) and let it all out. Only then will he be ready to move on and start healing, plus he'll gain trust in you. But again, don't expect it to be all that easy. If you really like him, go ahead.
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