Have you ever accepted anything as BS?

[Queen of Sheba]

As BS have you accepted and understood 100% any part of the affair your WS had? I don't mean the big things, I mean all those details we find out, the details we did and didn't want to know. Have you accepted that s/he did X because of Y and you can be at peace with that piece of it? e.g. he did something for her but not for you.

[Spark1111]

Hmmm...not sure.

 

I gave him carte blanche to be with her, but it was the LAST thing he wanted.

 

it's how I wound up at LS.

 

I was moving towards D, angry but calm and resolved when he began begging to reconcile and showing up all hours of the day and night and STALKING me.

 

That's when things became confusing.

 

Months later in therapy that I mandated as a condition of reconciliation, he did enjoy all her attention and flattery and they had a lot of risk-free fun.

 

Great to be 17 again, no?

 

But she started to pressure him for a more serious commitment and he began to future fake to keep those feeling adored feelings a flowing. Meanwhile, he said HE KNEW she wasn't the one he would leave me for, but was too cowardly to end it.

 

Meanwhile, after DDAY, I went into super sleuth mode and found he had been chatting up an old HS girlfriend and was trawling the waters for her replacement.

 

Doubt she ever knew that about this great loving relationship.

[underwater2010]

I accepted that it was sheer boredom on his part....as evidenced/confirmed by the emails/chats.

 

I accepted that she was looking for a play thing...no strings attached and that is why my husband was prime choice for her.

 

I was relieved that the affair did not include sex and ilys or lets leave together.

 

However...I will never accept being second best or disrespected again. And I refuse to stoop to their leave and engage in my own affair.

[Spark1111]

As for the little things...yes...they affected me greatly.

 

I asked him in tears why I wasn't courted and wooed and pursued. Cards, flowers, trips, texts and terms of endearment are now a part of our daily life.

 

Here's why: I told him I DESERVED that romantic passion in my life. I told him he had been seeing me as the mother, wifey, chief cook and bottle washer for waaaaay toooo looong.

 

I started doing less and focusing on me --gym, art classes, old friends. Had a makeover, started dancing in high heels.

 

I needed to feel attractive and womanly again.

 

I also informed him that I intended to have a full, passionate, sexual love affair, and while I hoped it was with him because I loved him, it did not necessarily have to be as I was still undecided about US.

[Furious]

As BS have you accepted and understood 100% any part of the affair your WS had? I don't mean the big things, I mean all those details we find out, the details we did and didn't want to know. Have you accepted that s/he did X because of Y and you can be at peace with that piece of it? e.g. he did something for her but not for you.

 

An affair requires excessive ego stroking, platitudes and a constant volleying of compliments. Along with that they very often feel the need to project and magnify what great people they are despite the fact that they're lying and deceiving their significant other.

 

It's part and parcel of an affair dynamic for the WS to do things or go out of their way for their affair partner as this wins them praise and external validation. An affair offers the opportunity to re-invent yourself. You have the option to highlight and exaggerate your positive qualities and minimize or hide your negative qualities and that's the payoff.

 

For example, a WS might not be handy man at home but he fixes his OW's loose door knob. Or a WS was never a good gift giver but buys his OW little gifts. Or the WS talks about how much they love their kids even though the affair is cutting into the time they spend with their kids. All in all it's the WS being what they think the OW wants them to be and vice versa.

 

As most affairs are limited in real time with each other, it can be looked at a part time relationship and it's easier to be all that and a bag of chips for a few hours or a stolen day or two.

 

The spouse has seen their husband or wife at their best and worst. Has heard all their glory day stories. Has seen them fail or succeed. The whole person, the good and the not so good. In a affair the WS is unique and very special, even though it comes at the cost of lying and deception and potentially destroying their spouse and family.

 

On my d-day I handed my husband his suitcase and wished him well. He was free to be that unique and special person. I was floored that it was the last thing he wanted. The truth is cheaters feed the affair and may do things or say things to sustain the affair that feeds their ego.

 

Truly it's not about what they did or didn't do for the affair partner but more about of winning validation points for themselves.

[Journee]

Sometimes it is those things. Most of the time, it doesn't really matter, the fact is it is a relationship. And the reality I describe happens more often than anyone cares to admit. Do you think OW sit around talking about how great the sex is? Nope,(okay, well sometimes:)) they talk about the love affair. How close they are. How much one means to the other. The things they talk about, what they do as a couple. Of course, sex is part of it, but it usually isn't ALL of it. From the things I read, the people I know, most of the affairs come from the WS being lonely and under appreciated. If, when the affair comes to light, they decide to stay, it does not minimize the relationship with the AP If my bf decided to go back to his stbxw, it would not take away what we had. A love affair.

 

 

 

Same here.

 

The 7-8 weeks my husband "dated" another woman while we were separated does not take away from our history. It actually , in our case, had shown us what was out there. I made poor choices as did he. I feel reconnected to him which is saying so much considering the road we were heading down. Even if he did have a tremendous love affair..... so do we. He and I have had a love affair for ten years. Maybe I am in an ok place because of the circumstances surrounding but I was no angel either. I was awful at times during our separation and pre cheating. In the end. .. even though he could had continued down the single path...as we were not even living in the same zip code anyhow. .. he chose me. With all of my imperfections , issues , hang ups and so on.

 

Nothing that was outside of our relationship even in a torn and tattered state was what he wanted or needed. Nothing for me either. I had plenty of men wanting to step in. .. even while I was hugely pregnant. H was all I wanted. As crazy as it sounds it took something as catastrophic as DDay and a year long separation prior to pull our heads out of our bottoms.

 

On my phone. I appologize for spelling and grammar that my auto correct might have contributed to

[Spark1111]

An affair requires excessive ego stroking, platitudes and a constant volleying of compliments. Along with that they very often feel the need to project and magnify what great people they are despite the fact that they're lying and deceiving their significant other.

 

It's part and parcel of an affair dynamic for the WS to do things or go out of their way for their affair partner as this wins them praise and external validation. An affair offers the opportunity to re-invent yourself. You have the option to highlight and exaggerate your positive qualities and minimize or hide your negative qualities and that's the payoff.

 

For example, a WS might not be handy man at home but he fixes his OW's loose door knob. Or a WS was never a good gift giver but buys his OW little gifts. Or the WS talks about how much they love their kids even though the affair is cutting into the time they spend with their kids. All in all it's the WS being what they think the OW wants them to be and vice versa.

 

As most affairs are limited in real time with each other, it can be looked at a part time relationship and it's easier to be all that and a bag of chips for a few hours or a stolen day or two.

 

The spouse has seen their husband or wife at their best and worst. Has heard all their glory day stories. Has seen them fail or succeed. The whole person, the good and the not so good. In a affair the WS is unique and very special, even though it comes at the cost of lying and deception and potentially destroying their spouse and family.

 

On my d-day I handed my husband his suitcase and wished him well. He was free to be that unique and special person. I was floored that it was the last thing he wanted. The truth is cheaters feed the affair and may do things or say things to sustain the affair that feeds their ego.

 

Truly it's not about what they did or didn't do for the affair partner but more about of winning validation points for themselves.

 

Love this Furious. Rings true!

[So happy together]

As for the little things...yes...they affected me greatly.

 

I asked him in tears why I wasn't courted and wooed and pursued. Cards, flowers, trips, texts and terms of endearment are now a part of our daily life.

 

Here's why: I told him I DESERVED that romantic passion in my life. I told him he had been seeing me as the mother, wifey, chief cook and bottle washer for waaaaay toooo looong.

 

I started doing less and focusing on me --gym, art classes, old friends. Had a makeover, started dancing in high heels.

 

I needed to feel attractive and womanly again.

 

I also informed him that I intended to have a full, passionate, sexual love affair, and while I hoped it was with him because I loved him, it did not necessarily have to be as I was still undecided about US.

 

I think this is fantastic.

[HopingAgain]

I accepted that my husband was/is human, frail and fallible. That he had fallen prey to his own insecurities and need to feel like a superhero to someone again. I understood many of his feelings completely from my own time as a WS in my former marriage. I just had no idea that my current husband was at that same breaking point that I had been many years ago.

 

A blessing and curse in all of this is I was privy to some of their conversations on Dday, so I got to hear first hand the ego stroking, some of my husbands hesitations and fears about what was happening, her reassurance and her desire to become a further part of his life. Because of this, it has helped me to accept a lot of his explanation of events as I have "crib notes" from the conversation to draw my own conclusions from as well and compare to. Once I began to see that the closeness we once had was what my husband was needing and craving, I decided to give reconciliation a shot and work with him to create a more intimate bond again.

[krazikat]

As BS have you accepted and understood 100% any part of the affair your WS had? I don't mean the big things, I mean all those details we find out, the details we did and didn't want to know. Have you accepted that s/he did X because of Y and you can be at peace with that piece of it? e.g. he did something for her but not for you.

 

Yes.

 

As weird as it may sound, I know my H was depressed, alcoholic, and using drugs the entire time. Their relationship was built on lies and addiction. I know that she is not the kind of woman he would be in a "real" relationship with. Their r could only ever exist in a disfunctional A.

 

I am not that kind of woman, never could be.

 

However, I do know now that if my H starts drinking again, it will be a dealbreaker. I excused so much thinking it was just the drinking, hoping he would stop and not knowing how to help. I essentially ignored it...big mistake, and one I wont be making again.

 

However, I also know that my actions were a factor in this downward spiral. Which is part of why I decided to r. But I can only be responsible for my actions. So as long as he stays sober and A free, he will have my support 100%.

[Sadwife37]

As BS have you accepted and understood 100% any part of the affair your WS had? I don't mean the big things, I mean all those details we find out, the details we did and didn't want to know. Have you accepted that s/he did X because of Y and you can be at peace with that piece of it? e.g. he did something for her but not for you.

 

Nope. I am trying too accept it all. But I am not there yet. Accept it for what it actually was. Not my built up version of what it could possibly have been.

Reading the replies help tremendously. Many others have been able to achieve what I am struggling so desperately with. I will get there.

 

Last night it was an email he sent OW 21 months ago. "Hi Beautiful, How's your day going." Sounds simple enough, but thinking about it still kills me. I certainly didn't get those messages. I fully understand my struggles with the little details

Are my issues. My fears, my thoughts and worries about the deeper meaning of everything. How does he really feel today? Am I enough? What was he really thinking?

 

Somedays I can put it where it needs to be. Two broken messed up people making awful selfish mistakes and choices. Choices they both regret. Accept it for what it was.

 

Many days my heart and mind still read way too much into it and question and doubt everything, even though I know better and have no reason to still be doubting.

[katielee]

I have accepted his first affair. But after seeing the devastation it caused me and doing it again, I cannot accept that nor will I forgive him for it.. Currently, I am leaning towards staying with him and just settling. Not sure why.

[Queen of Sheba]

As for the little things...yes...they affected me greatly.

 

I asked him in tears why I wasn't courted and wooed and pursued. Cards, flowers, trips, texts and terms of endearment are now a part of our daily life.

 

Here's why: I told him I DESERVED that romantic passion in my life. .

 

How long before that sunk in to your WS and when he started to give you the attention he gave her did you feel it was genuine or that he was doing it as a means to an end? How do you make sure its real, heartfelt and genuine?

[Queen of Sheba]

An affair requires excessive ego stroking, platitudes and a constant volleying of compliments. Along with that they very often feel the need to project and magnify what great people they are despite the fact that they're lying and deceiving their significant other.

 

It's part and parcel of an affair dynamic for the WS to do things or go out of their way for their affair partner as this wins them praise and external validation. An affair offers the opportunity to re-invent yourself. You have the option to highlight and exaggerate your positive qualities and minimize or hide your negative qualities and that's the payoff.

 

For example, a WS might not be handy man at home but he fixes his OW's loose door knob. Or a WS was never a good gift giver but buys his OW little gifts. Or the WS talks about how much they love their kids even though the affair is cutting into the time they spend with their kids. All in all it's the WS being what they think the OW wants them to be and vice versa.

 

As most affairs are limited in real time with each other, it can be looked at a part time relationship and it's easier to be all that and a bag of chips for a few hours or a stolen day or two.

 

The spouse has seen their husband or wife at their best and worst. Has heard all their glory day stories. Has seen them fail or succeed. The whole person, the good and the not so good. In a affair the WS is unique and very special, even though it comes at the cost of lying and deception and potentially destroying their spouse and family.

 

On my d-day I handed my husband his suitcase and wished him well. He was free to be that unique and special person. I was floored that it was the last thing he wanted. The truth is cheaters feed the affair and may do things or say things to sustain the affair that feeds their ego.

 

Truly it's not about what they did or didn't do for the affair partner but more about of winning validation points for themselves.

How long after d day did you come to these conclusions? They must have really helped you. I'm trying to make it sink into me but it will take some time as the effort both in time and the things he did for her was just so over the top and doesn't match his sentiments about what he felt (nothing apparently) in any way.

 

Also, although I see your point about the affair being an ego boost etc and wonder that although that might say a WS doesn't stop loving the BS it does raise the point about all that being more important than the risks and the crapping on the BS? The WS loves the attention and therefore giving it so enjoys it all every last part of the affair whatever reason they give for having it.

[waterwoman]

Accept? I have to. They happened. At peace? Mostly, I guess perhaps 75%. After a year.

 

I got myself tied in knots for months because I refused to accept some simple unpalatable facts.

 

1. He did love her. Probably still does to a small extent. And he was more in love with her than with me, by the nature of the relationship being NEW and fresh while our marriage was long-standing and had all the normal scars and bruises of an old well-used thing. Nasty thing to accept but there we go.

 

2. He never stopped loving me but that 'loving' was gentler, more nurturing and much less exciting than he felt for her. Doesn't that sound boring?

 

3. I was in part responsible for the state of our relationship. I blame him more because he was the one who pulled away more, he behaved like a spoiled selfish child for at least part of the marriage and left me to be the sensible grown-up. But I didn't stop him, I was resigned to this behaviour and I escaped from the realities into work, music, running, kids etc. I am also responsible for allowing him to damage his relationship with the children - I should have stood up to him more.

 

4. I had disengaged from the relationship far too much in response to my depression, his seeming lack of interest in our family. I was responsible for my reaction to his behaviour. I have to take some blame.

 

5. He had major FOO issues - but he will not seek help. I have to accept him as he is - warts and all.

 

All those things I have accepted. Do I like them? Nope. Our relationship has been changed 100% because of his affair - for the better? yes, but better in the sense of more honest and straightforward, but I am wary of him and I think he is of me. I hope that will pass. But not being together is an option, one i couldn't contemplate before the A.

[Queen of Sheba]

To me there is nothing to understand. The affair happened. Thats all that matters to me. I don't care that she did X because of Y.

 

So did you just accept it all as done and just move on? Wow. How? What are your tips?!

[dichotomy]

I have spent years psychoanalyzing my wife and her reasons for being with OM and in general her relationship behavior and yes, I do understand many reasons which would have enabled or created the right conditions for her to make a major change in her character.

 

1) Her ex husband who was abusive, degrading who told her she would not be wanted/desired/loved by men as they ended their marriage.

 

2) The death of a deeply loved father, whom she discovered to have been a serial adulterer.

 

3) The arrival of a new girl friend who acted as a cheerleader and enabler of adultery.

 

However, while i understand the believable combination these events (perfect storm) that does not justify them, or release he from shame and remorse, but it does help me understand that she was in a very unhealthy place when she made these choices.

[Confused48]

So did you just accept it all as done and just move on? Wow. How? What are your tips?!

 

I think what dren meant was that it does not matter why. It does matter that it happened but not why it happened.

 

Maybe I'm reading you wrong but I don't think so bc of your prior posts. I think you keep looking to why it happened as a way to let your H off the hook. You want so badly to be with him that you are grasping at any evidence that would justify his betrayal.

 

What your H did was inexcusable. You can find here on LS all kinds of sad stories about the poor WS that had such terrible things that "caused" them to have an affair. A lot of them much more sad than what your H had to deal with.

 

None of these sad stories justifies cheating. There was in every case, including your H's case, a better, more honorable, way to handle the situation.

[Queen of Sheba]

I think what dren meant was that it does not matter why. It does matter that it happened but not why it happened.

 

Maybe I'm reading you wrong but I don't think so bc of your prior posts. I think you keep looking to why it happened as a way to let your H off the hook. You want so badly to be with him that you are grasping at any evidence that would justify his betrayal.

 

What your H did was inexcusable. You can find here on LS all kinds of sad stories about the poor WS that had such terrible things that "caused" them to have an affair. A lot of them much more sad than what your H had to deal with.

 

None of these sad stories justifies cheating. There was in every case, including your H's case, a better, more honorable, way to handle the situation.

 

I'm not looking at the why. I don't mean accepting any if that. I mean accepting anything about it as being able to move in from. For example I find it really difficult to "accept" and move in from the time he spent texting her the time he bought her flowers the time he spent shopping with her not thinking about me and how I would worry about how late he was. It's all the details do you have to accept to be able to move on? How do you reconcile if you don't accept anything? At the moment I accept nothing!!! Hence my huge difficulty with recon and lots of arguments!!

[waterwoman]

I'm not looking at the why. I don't mean accepting any if that. I mean accepting anything about it as being able to move in from. For example I find it really difficult to "accept" and move in from the time he spent texting her the time he bought her flowers the time he spent shopping with her not thinking about me and how I would worry about how late he was. It's all the details do you have to accept to be able to move on? How do you reconcile if you don't accept anything? At the moment I accept nothing!!! Hence my huge difficulty with recon and lots of arguments!!

 

Sorry but you do just have to swallow it down eventually. THe sheer unfairness of it all is hard to stomach but in the end it has to just disappear. I spent ages saying 'how could you do x while I was so unhappy' ' how come you managed to do Y for her while that was exactly what I needed' etc etc. He could say nothing but 'I'm sorry' so it was a pointless exercise. He is sorry but that doesn't change the facts of the past. So the choice is 1. keep bringing it up like picking at a scab? 2. Let it heal, let it go, forgive. In the grand scheme of things, if you make it through the other side, it really doesn't matter. He is with you, he is not with her......if that is what you want, the other things really shouldn't matter. Easier said that done, I know. I manage it about 75% of the time as I said in my earlier post, but on the other 25% of occassions H understands. I am getting there. Soon it will 100%.

[Betterthanthis13]

Queen- I'm no expert, but I think maybe you have to sort out in your head some of the bigger issues before you start digging into the details.

 

Kind of like a book- you want to know what the title of a book is, then what the chapters are called, before you read the words on the page and can process and understand them.

 

This has nothing to do with your husband and what he has done just yet- he comes into this later--this has to do with you asking yourself some fundamental questions about infidelity and what it means to you and really thinking about and defining your thoughts on the topic. A therapist is a really good person to help with this sort of thing. (Individual counseling, not a marriage counselor)

 

I feel your pain and the state of chaos in your head- it's excruciating and I know there is nothing you would like more than to have it all be better. I'm sorry you are going through this and I in NO WAY mean to say that any of this was your fault or suggest you need counseling because your husband cheated. I find that suggestion terribly insulting myself and that is not what I mean.

 

What I mean is I get the impression from your posts that his infidelity came as a shock to you, and you are now in a position that you never dreamed of, trying to figure out things you never thought you would need to. You married this guy in good faith and assumed he would be faithful as well. That's what marriage is, right?

 

He broke the marriage- but he's still around. He didn't leave for the other woman. It's very perplexing. It would be extremely painful- BUT MAKE SENSE- if he left and married the other lady. But he didn't. He's still with you. Still at home. It is enough to drive a person mad. It's like torture.

 

That's why I suggest counseling. You are trying to make sense out of and understand something using what you have been taught your whole life and accepted to be the the truth of how the world is and how people are supposed to be, and he has blown that reality up with a bomb in your own house. The book you have been referencing, that you know the title to, are familiar with the chapters and pages, doesn't apply to this situation.

 

So for your own health and safety, you have 2 options. Take the book you are familiar with and run far far away from him and the wreckage he has caused, and find a new man who goes by the same rule book you do, or start from scratch, with the help of a therapist and a lot of support, to write a new book that has a chapter in it about infidelity. It eventually will only be a chapter in your book of life if you stay on the path of Reconciliation- (and your husband is truly remorseful and a whole bunch of other stuff that will come later)

 

But step one I think is answering some of the Big Questions for yourself, what you define infidelity as, what you think true remorse looks like, what successful reconciliation looks like to you, if you truly feel the marriage is worth saving and stuff like that.

 

I'm no therapist- they will have much better questions for you I don't want to do any harm to you I'm just giving you my opinion as a person going through heartbreak as well.

 

I am just as obsessed with details as you are. This advice is as much for me as you. One thing i am finding it helpful is to focus on other people's details and not my own- to gain perspective and some detachment from my personal situation so I can deal with my cheater with less emotional outbursts and fighting. However, I am probably going to leave/ seperate and it sounds like you want to reconcile so, I don't know if that is helpful.

Edited July 15, 2013 by Betterthanthis13

[Betterthanthis13]

For example- my big picture questions and answers are like this.

 

How do I feel about infidelity?

 

I feel that when someone in a relationship or marriage makes the choice to stray, they always had other options. They could (obviously) Work out whatever problem they are having with their partner instead of seeking comfort outside of the relationship. they could end the relationship. They could move to another country. They could jump off a bridge. Instead, they CHOSE to cheat. Nobody "made" them do it. Nothing, no circumstance caused them to do it except their own free will and delusional thinking and rationalizations for their behavior.

 

2 people made a commitment. By breaking the commitment with cheating one person is saying- without words- "we are broken up". The BS is unaware that they are broken up and thinks the relationship is still valid until DDay, but they were being tricked the whole time. They were in a fake, hellish, non relationship not of their choosing that they did not cause. After DDay, while in a state of trauma and mental chaos, they are faced with life altering choices of "reconciliation" or leaving. I believe reconciliation is an incorrect term. I believe it's possible to start a new relationship with someone who broke up with you by way of cheating, but the word reconciliation seems inappropriate to me.

 

 

What does true remorse look like to you?

 

This lady gives a good description of what I see as true remorse.

 

Real Remorse? Or Genuine Imitation Naugahyde Remorse?

 

 

So you get the idea of what I mean.

 

I don't think everyone should adopt my idea of what infidelity means or what remorse looks like. These are my opinions only.

 

Defining my thoughts, however, is helping me come to terms with making life decisions that I will feel comfortable with during a time when my mind is a jumbled, emotional mess. It's like now that I have a title and summary of the infidelity chapter to my book, I can start to figure out what's going to be in the chapter.

 

I never thought this chapter would need to be in my book. I've never cheated on anyone.

[Queen of Sheba]

Betterthan this. Great link. By the way please can someone tell me what FOO is?

 

We have been going to MC, we started 2 days after d day. I think we have been about 9 times and I've done 2 IC. Costing him a fortune so hopefully it helps!

 

WS finished it. OW told me of affair. I know the reasons he had the affair but do not accept he had to have one so therefore I fall within any BS feelings of hurt and shock.

 

Remorse - well some of it is there. We are currently trying to work on him understanding that it was NOT "everything that comes with an affair and it was completely separate to loving you and the family." and that it is him understanding all the different things he did, the choices he made, each individual choice to spend on her, time with her not his family etc. each individual choice is a hurt and he has to understand that for us to move on. He doesn't understand this ... yet. Perhaps he never will but if he never does then it won't work because recon will all be on his terms. He doesn't agree with what I think/feel about each choice he made, he doesn't see them as choices. I have tried to explain that he can't argue with MY feelings. He can't argue with how I see things. For him to understand those things he has to look at it all from a different perspective. Mine. I have written down a lot of my feelings and how I see things. He finds it difficult to read them for a number of reasons and continues to find excuses not to do so. I have made clear today that in order for us to succeed he has got to stop being selfish, stop trying to defend the indefensible, stop minimising everything I say as unimportant and show his remorse through actions that demonstrate it. Got to read those feelings and understand me. WANT to see things from my persepctive instead of just telling me I'm wrong! Be ready for the triggers. Support me when they happen and be aware of when they might happen. Some are just so damn obvious like dates, shop names, others not so like the "he did that for her but won't do the equivalent for me" things. The romance, the loving actions which are not to do with sex. Not words, not easy actions, but the emotional support, the making up for lost time, putting in more effort and doing the difficult things he doesn't like doing or finds hard. He did it for his affair so he can damn well do it for me if he cares. It remains to be seen whether he does.

 

He knows that he has destroyed all trust. Not just that he won't have an affair, but that he won't lie about anything as he did with all the lies that WS do when found out etc etc. He knows that it will take many months before trust can be rebuilt and he will have to work damn hard to get it. He knows that I am unsure whether I love him and that he will have to work hard to regain the love I had. He knows that I am staying and am prepared to work on it for our son and what we had. He knows that I could walk if he doesn't step up and stop expecting me to do so much work. It should be HIM doing all of it never mind the amount I am doing! This w/e was crunch time. He has to stop everything being on his terms and start to grasp what he has done from my point of view and stop just saying I am wrong. I am not wrong about what I think and feel. It is up to him to show me not tell me how sorry he is and that perhaps I can change my view on some things. He has got to realise that this will take time and not shove it in a box and hide it away. If he wants to stop the arguments he has got to take more responsibility and that comes from understanding my point of view and feelings! He also has to understand that still crying about things a few times a week is bloody normal for someone going through what I am going through another thing he needs to get his head round and accept!

 

Hence my asking if anyone had accepted anything? I don't mean the big things, the whys etc. Perhaps accept is the wrong word. I mean be able to move on from and stop certain things going round and round your head when you are trying to move forward. Perhaps it all has to come from the WS for the BS to do that. But I am trying to do some things for myself but really struggle with some things. The MC has helped move on and accept some things and then some of them come back and I feel angry all over again!

 

Confused - btw GMT in answer to your question on another thread!

[Betterthanthis13]

Queen- FOO is "family of origin"

 

In your last paragraph I think you said something very insightful- it does have to come from him first. He already knows what he has to do to win you back and earn back your trust. If that's what you want then step back and see what he does.

 

I don't have any clue how to go about accepting the little details about the betrayal either. Maybe that comes in time. I keep hearing it takes 2-5 years to recover from this garbage. Right now the details I know about are driving me completely up the wall too. I'm choosing to have minimum contact with my perpetrator anymore for that very reason. He has no answers for me, and I am so messed up right now the last thing I am qualified to do or have any interest in doing is yelling at him or hearing any more sorry ass ridiculous excuses. He is obviously very damaged and needs help but I can't help him hell no.

 

Hang in there, hugs to you.

 

The chump lady site I got the link from is good to read if you are ever feeling weak. She is very anti reconciliation just so you know in advance, as a warning. You might want to read with caution and an open mind if you are full steam ahead with R.

 

But if you are feeling sad and hopeless and read her blog for a bit she will at least get you pumped up and feeling empowered again.

[Queen of Sheba]

Queen- FOO is "family of origin"

 

 

 

Hang in there, hugs to you.

 

You too.

 

LC site is very good, I can read with a smile while working on recon but if he doesn't work/try harder by doing what he says he will then I'll look it up again. I am strong but this has knocked everything out of me. Betrayal gets likened to bereavement for all the obvious reasons, but with the former there was choice with the latter there is none (unless a suicide but that's a different ball game). 19 years on its a killer in every sense of the word!