AbeNormal Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 (edited) The phrase, "It wasn't about you," isn't meant as a justification or rationalization at all. It has nothing to do with excusing the wayward's behavior and it has nothing to do with forgiveness. Frankly, I don't care if anyone chooses not to excuse or forgive their wayward. In my view, having an affair isn't a defensible position and any wayward that wants to justify it hasn't got a leg to stand on. But far too many betrayed spouses internalize an affair as a personal rejection of them. They somehow think they must not be manly enough or that they failed as a spouse. They beat themselves up and feel emasculated. My point is, that thinking is prevalent but backwards. I don't think many waywards are thinking about their betrayed spouse during an affair. If anything, they compartmentalize and shove those thoughts away. They may just feel entitled to "more." Or they were just too lazy to solve their problems. They were thinking of themselves and taking care of their own "needs." They avoided conflict because they lacked the courage to deal with their partner. Of course, all waywards are somewhat unique but in my view, the wayward was either too entitled, too conflict-avoidant, or too needy for any one person to satisfy. So why does a BS beat themselves up so badly for the wayward's broken thought processes and actions? Why does a betrayed spouse's personal ego get so bruised? We (BSs) make an affair much more about us than we should. If the OP is desperate for his wayward wife to stroke his ego, I think he is taking too much of the blame on himself and internalizing it more than he should and that he should stop doing that. This was about something screwed up with her, not with him. Forgiveness of his wife is another subject altogether and a highly personal one. OK. I missed this when it was first posted. Another home run (as concerns me getting help addressing my thought/emotional process - as best as I can understand it at this time... Nice to think/know? I am not such an oddball in this battle for emotional sanity.). Perhaps I am normal after all... Thank you Kidd. Edited July 29, 2013 by AbeNormal
BetrayedH Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 OK. I missed this. Another home run (as concerns my thought/emotional process - as best as I can understand it at this time... Nice to think/know? I am not such an oddball in this battle for emotional sanity.). Thank you Kidd. Oh, I was just trying to get Drifter off my back. Every once in a while, it's like I'm the cat that crapped in his cereal that morning. Now that I think about it, I think I ticked you off recently in a different thread (one about spending "5 mins" on the BS). I do think though, that too many BHs (myself included) look way too hard at their own flaws after their wife has an affair. At the time, I was reading a lot of Harley books (big mistake). One of my therapists literally held his hand up and said "You've got it all backwards, my friend. You're up here. She's down here." It was a very simple statement but a bit of an epiphany for me. All that said, if you want to reconcile, you still have to multi-task and work on both the marriage and processing the affair at the same time. It's a damn tall order. My problem was that I brought myself down to her level (and that she never came up). 1
compulsivedancer Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 (edited) Oh, I was just trying to get Drifter off my back. Every once in a while, it's like I'm the cat that crapped in his cereal that morning. You made me lol at that one. Edited July 29, 2013 by compulsivedancer Too much quote
BetrayedH Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 You made me lol at that one. Drifter was one of the first posters when I came here fresh after Dday. Gave me great speeches about enbracing my anger and getting into counseling. Poor guy - I brushed off every good piece of advice I got. We go back far enough that he can be grumpy with my posts whenever he likes.
AbeNormal Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 (edited) Oh, I was just trying to get Drifter off my back. Now that I think about it, I think I ticked you off recently in a different thread (one about spending "5 mins" on the BS). Nope, I ticked myself off with my idiotic (knee-jerk) response to that. I slapped my head the next morning. I really appreciate your posts - you are an invaluable asset to this community. I'm just going though some "new" (for me) phase now. It sucks. Maybe after I go though it I can post back with some understanding. Thanks again. Edited July 29, 2013 by AbeNormal
BetrayedH Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Nope, I ticked myself off with my idiotic (knee-jerk) response to that. I slapped my head the next morning. I really appreciate your posts - you are an invaluable asset to this community. I'm just going though some "new" (for me) phase now. It sucks. Maybe after I go though it I can post back with some understanding. Thanks again. No worries on my end, Abe. You're a kind soul and I appreciate self-deprecating comments. Maybe think about starting your own thread? Every once in a while when I feel a bit stuck on something, the lightbulb turns on that threads are free for me, too. 2
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