Tulstar Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 Hi everyone, I'm new to the forum. I've been with my girlfriend for about 4 years now. A couple of weeks ago, my girlfriend told me that she'd missed her period, and joked that she might be pregnant. As the days went on, my girlfriend got more concerned. She purchased a couple of pregnancy home testing kits. Both kits confirmed that she was indeed pregnant. This came as a big shock to me, as my girlfriend has been on the contraceptive pill since before we got together. I naively assumed that she could not fall pregnant whilst she was on the pill, so we did not use protection. My girlfriend has since had her pregnancy confirmed by her GP. As I write this, she is almost 6 weeks pregnant. Whenever we have talked about children, I have always said that I am not ready to become a father at the moment, although I would like to have children of my own in the future. We are really struggling for money, and I don't feel as if we are in the position to be able to bring up a child and give him/her the life that they deserve, and which we would like to provide for them. I feel that the added pressures of having a child might cause our relationship to break down, which is something that I do not want as it could have a negative effect on the child's upbringing. We have sat down together and spoken about it, and I have told my girlfriend exactly how I feel. My girlfriend understands how I feel, and we have not argued. However, she has very strong views on terminating the pregnancy and, whilst she accepts that neither of us are ready for a child, so to speak, she is understandably extremely upset at the thought of termination. I also understand how she feels - just because we have very different opinions does not mean that we don't know or understand what the other person is feeling. At no point have I told her to have a termination, and at no point have I told her that I will not support her, whatever she decides. My girlfriend has now been referred to a local clinic to have a termination, and is waiting for an appointment to be given to her. She will not speak to me, and she is very upset and tearful. I understand and accept the fact that she is angry with me, and I am doing everything I possibly can do to support her at the moment. However, I am limited as to what I can currently do, as she will not talk to me. I love my girlfriend, and I do not want our relationship to end. I do want a child, but given our current situation, I strongly feel that we're not ready as a couple just yet. As I mentioned before, we are really struggling for money. We also don't have a support network around us, as we moved to South Wales almost 3 years ago, and both of our families now live over 100 miles away. The only family we have nearby are my grandparents, who are both in their mid 80s. We don't have any close friends in the area, as neither of us go out very much (due to our financial situation). We cannot move back to where we used to live, as one of the main reasons for us moving where we are now was so that I could be close to my grandparents, who own a farm and who require regular help to manage it. We also both have secure, permanent (albeit low paid) jobs with the NHS, and we have good long term career prospects, so we would be foolish to give up on that especially in this day and age. I hope I haven't come across as a "typical bloke" here. I love my girlfriend to bits and I'll do whatever I can to support her through this. I feel that a termination IS the right decision given our current situation and I always knew that this would cause a strain on our relationship. It might seem like it's very easy for me, and it might seem as if I've "got my own way" to people looking at the situation from outside. However, I cannot even begin to state just how untrue this is. I would just like some help and advice on anything that I can do to help us through this difficult time. Obviously, if my girlfriend decides that she no longer wants to be with me because of this, then I will have to learn to come to terms with her decision but until that time I would appreciate any help that I can get. Thank you. Mark
SmithJ Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 From personal experience a termination is horrific. It is not only physically painful but also mentally. Your girlfriends hormones will be through the roof at the minute so she will be very confused and very upset. You need to make her aware that you love her and you will support her no matter what she decides to do, let her know that there is no pressure on her to make a decision straight away. I regret mine but it was not the right time as I was far too young as was my boyfriend. If I ever got caught pregnant again there's no way I'd go through another termination. I think about it all the time and I get jealous when I see women with their new born babies or even a bump. The best advice I can give you is to SUPPORT her and let her know that you are completely behind her as no one was with me, I always think that maybe if I had some form of support and someone telling me it was MY decision I might have kept my baby. Just be strong for the both of you as this is a big decision.
Author Tulstar Posted July 10, 2013 Author Posted July 10, 2013 From personal experience a termination is horrific. It is not only physically painful but also mentally. Your girlfriends hormones will be through the roof at the minute so she will be very confused and very upset. You need to make her aware that you love her and you will support her no matter what she decides to do, let her know that there is no pressure on her to make a decision straight away. I regret mine but it was not the right time as I was far too young as was my boyfriend. If I ever got caught pregnant again there's no way I'd go through another termination. I think about it all the time and I get jealous when I see women with their new born babies or even a bump. The best advice I can give you is to SUPPORT her and let her know that you are completely behind her as no one was with me, I always think that maybe if I had some form of support and someone telling me it was MY decision I might have kept my baby. Just be strong for the both of you as this is a big decision. Thank you for the advice I've told my girlfriend that I'm here to support her, and she knows that I love her. I don't think I would be helping the situation if I kept pestering her to talk to me - at the moment I feel as if she thinks it's my fault, which I can understand. It's very upsetting for me as well, but I feel like I can cope with it, and eventually move on. I just want to be strong and be there for my girlfriend at the moment.
Exitleft Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 Thank you for the advice I've told my girlfriend that I'm here to support her, and she knows that I love her. I don't think I would be helping the situation if I kept pestering her to talk to me - at the moment I feel as if she thinks it's my fault, which I can understand. It's very upsetting for me as well, but I feel like I can cope with it, and eventually move on. I just want to be strong and be there for my girlfriend at the moment. You may want to consider some counseling for her and for the two of you as a couple, if she feels strongly against this and does it you may deal with some resentment down the track. Best of luck.
melodymatters Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 Just curious, how old are you two ? And if you currently have secure albeit low paying govt. jobs, what is going to change in 2,5 or so years ? In the US, two govt. workers pretty much have it made. If you two are say, 25 and younger and planning to go back to school, it's probably best. If you are committed adults past your mid 20's I can see how this may be very hurtful to her, thinking that people have made it through situations like this with a lot less going for them.
aisuru Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 I had an abortion less than 2 years ago. It tore me apart emotionally and I'm in my mid 30s, successful, and financially stable. The pregnancy hormones didn't help and didn't dissipate for some time. I hated myself and at one point was suicidal as a result of my decision, even though I made a "rational" decision with the father's input. While I can tell you that I'm okay now, I will never have another abortion ever. I'd rather be single with a child then to ever do that again. And that's while having some rather strong opinions about bringing a child into the world with just one parent. I don't wish your current situation on anyone as it's a difficult road to travel. You have voiced your thoughts to her. At this point, you can only step back and listen/support her. Regardless of the choice she makes. Be prepared to lose her either way. Abortion is a really difficult life experience to move past in a relationship.
Els Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 Ohhhh, man. Isn't this part of mandatory sex ed in schools? If it isn't, it should be. Yes, people can and absolutely do get pregnant on BC. BC pills are possibly the hardest method to attain perfect use with - lots of things you eat, drink, or medicate with can interfere with its absorption, more than most people realize. And even with perfect use, it doesn't entirely suppress the female hormonal cycle, so ovulation can occur. But no point going over that now. As for your gf... I think that after expressing your opinion on what you feel would be best for her to do (which you were absolutely right to talk to her about), you should reassure her that regardless of what she chooses, you will be there for her, to support her (and your child if need be). You will, will you not?
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