SmithJ Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 I'm sure you're all very familiar with me by now. Ex and I broke up 3 weeks ago, I did NC but broke when he called me a week later, I was drunk and caught off guard as it was a number I did not recognize, then I went back to NC as we ended up having a bit of an argument on the phone. I broke it AGAIN when he called me on Thursday and we had a massive chat and cleared the air, it made me feel a little better actually. Now he's text me a couple of times, the first being a jokey one with a lot of 'xxxxx' at the end, the others were asking how I was and then he said he hopes I'm feeling better (as I didn't take the break up well) So I gave in, moment of weakness I replied saying that I was doing a lot better, going to counseling for the issues we had in our relationship (that made us break up) and just concentrating on myself and being happy. I also thanked him for the break up as if he hadn't have done it I wouldn't have been able to work on myself. I told him I accepted the decision that he made to leave and after thinking long and hard about it I know it was the right decision. He asked if I hate him and I just said I don't hate him and I understand what he has done is for the best for the both of us (which is true) He has texted me a couple of times last night but I have ignored it because I don't want him to think I'm just available whenever. My question is, why when he doesn't text me do I think about him all the time and feel awful but when he does text me and show interest I feel better and that I can actually move on with my life? I'm really confused as to why I feel like this, surely it should be when I don't hear from him I'm okay to get on with things? Thanks in advance guys
HobGadling Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 I think the name for it is 'closure'. I don't think of 'closure' as the final words between two people. But an acknowledgement of the relationship and a mutual well-wishing for the future. I've always had a good relationship with women I have dated. All but one. Ironically she's the one I treated the best. A mature adult should be able to look at a failed relationship objectively and divorce the individual from the circumstances surrounding the relationship. A lot of relationships will end due to stress created by outside factors. You should be able to see that being a terrible boyfriend/girlfriend is not the same thing as being a terrible human being. A period of no contact is needed to get over the pain. But at some point you should at least be able to swap basic courtesy. Go no contact with the people who are really terrible. Cheating, abuse, flossing with toenails (this happened to a friend of mine). Most ordinary people should at least be able to say 'hi'. There are subtle ways of responding to an ex that say "Nice to hear from you, I hope you're well, the news of your death would upset me, but I have no particular interest in talking to you. But I do still care and regard our time together with fondness". What's the word for when the anger fades and all you are left with are the good memories? All I want from my ex is a "Hey, I'm fine. Hope you are too." An acknowledgement that whilst she isn't particularly interested she still regards me and our time together with enough fondness to say hi. I honestly don't know why she is being cruel and stubborn. Everyone wants to be liked. Being dumped hurts. It's a rejection of YOU. If after a resonable amount of time they can't bring themselves to talk to you that's a rejection of YOU and YOUR MEMORIES. But if they talk to you it provides closure. Your romantic relationship ended. A line has been drawn. But your ego hasn't been crushed. They still care about you. You aren't so terrible. They didn't reject you. They just rejected the set of circumstances in their life at the time. I feel pain from my ex because my anger passed and I regard our time together with fondness. Losing her inspired me to change. But her treatment makes me feel like she not only hates me but our time together. I can look at our memories and smile. She no doubt cringes. Something I love she hates. That's it really. If they refuse to talk to you your head stews and you go around in circles. They talk to you though... and you can end it. The relationship ended but they don't hate you. The relationship is truly ended now. It is now a fully formed, signed, sealed life event. full closure achieved. Sorry for my rambling post that doesn't directly answer your question. But basically: no message: "Oh my god they hate me!" message: "Oh my god they don't hate me!" 1
Author SmithJ Posted July 10, 2013 Author Posted July 10, 2013 Thank you for that brilliant post. I think that what you have said has hit the nail right on the head! Its nice that he still cares as I still care for him but we both know that relationship was unhealthy. I feel like now I am free to get on with my life, although I am not ready to date yet or see other people but just focus on myself and he has said he is doing the same (although I have to take everything with a pinch of salt) he sent me a text message yesterday thanking me for the time that we had spent together and that he hopes I can sort out my issues now I am alone. That was really nice to hear and in a way I'm at peace now. I was an absolute wreck a couple of weeks ago and would have done anything to have him back but I feel a bit calmer with everything now. Thank you for taking the time to reply, I am very grateful for your response.
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