Worried Im losing him

[ScaredandConfused85]

Hello guys, first post here! Please bear with me, this is a long one. Thank you!

 

Ok, so me and my fella have been together 10 months end of this month. We've lived together since end of Jan this year, but known each other since 2010.

 

We had both been unemployed till he got a new job 2 months ago and I have just gotten a Sunday job. The first couple of weeks at his job he told me who everyone was and he got on with them. I didnt see the other girls as a threat because they had partners already.

 

Now a 21 year old girl (hes 25 and Im 28. Im the oldest woman hes dated. He always dated younger.) started working there a month ago. And he wont shut up about her. Everyday, she has done something to make him or his team laugh. He sits next to her at work and they help each other with work load. She had her birthday last week and invited my fella, but not me! And he said he was going to go to it, even though it was miles away from home and middle of nowhere! He knew I didnt want him to go and thankfully he got ill that weekend and didnt bother. Plus Ive noticed its taking longer for him to get home in the evenings. Before it was a 40 minute trip, now its over an hour.

 

Also, he got a new phone 2 weeks ago and its joined at his hip. The only time he doesnt have it is when hes asleep and its charging up. He wont let it out of his sight. That worries me too. But he didnt pay for his last contract phone, they cut off his connection, so he decided to get another one. I maybe reading too much into that.

 

Im scared because since he got his new job, we havent been intimate. So thats 2 months and no sex. That to me is bad for a young couple. But Im always sore afterwards and that makes him feel guilty, so he doesnt try anything. But still 2 months is horrible. He barely hugs me or kisses me anymore. We dont even cuddle in bed.

 

I have asked him if hes still attracted to me, he says he is. Even asked him if he would ever cheat on me and he said he wouldnt. I thought that would make him angry, said that to him and I got "meh" as my reply. That has confused me ALOT.

 

The last time I lived with a boyfriend, he cheated on me and I had to move back home and I cant go through that again. Spoke to his mum about how distant and cold hes become to me and she said he would never cheat on me because his dad cheated on her and he seen what it did to her. His mum said it could be stress of the job taking its toll on him and not to worry, but I do.

 

Im not confident in myself and have started to put some weight on, so Im worried thats putting him off. Ive been told to tell him to stop going on about this girl, but he has a short temper and will blow up if I say that. I sound like the most paranoid person on the planet, but past experience has done this to me.

 

Just dont want him to think Ive become clingy. Before he started work, we were really happy! We did alot of stuff together but since he started work, he doesnt seem interested anymore. Hell sit downstairs and game or watch TV and always ask what my plans for the evening are! Are boyfriends meant to ask their girlfriends that? Surely I can sit and watch the film with him?

 

Cause his ex was a douche to him, he hates having pics taken of us and doesnt brag when I make him something or buy him a gift. When he was with her, he constantly took pics of them both and anything he got from her. But he wont do this with me.

 

Apologies about this essay, thank you for taking the time to read it and feedback would be appreciated. I have no one to talk to because Ive not made any of my own friends in the area. All my friends are his friends, so I cant discuss it with them :/

Edited July 10, 2013 by ScaredandConfused85

[ScaredandConfused85]

Anyone please? I really do need some advice here.

[Sunshine87]

Hey,

I'm really sorry you feel this way.

A lot people need support when they are unemployed. It's easier for them to be better partners because they have less options, less money to spend and more free time on their hands. Misery loves company. It's not uncommon to hear about men being loving and supportive when unemployed but changing drastically when they become empowered. In fact there is a saying which goes like this "You don't know a man until he makes some money".

 

I think you should move out of the house. I personally don't believe that couples should live together unless they are married. If they've been together for a while or have children then maybe. But I would generally advise against it because it brings about a false sense of security. Playing house sometimes also stifles passion. You've been together just ten months. The relationship is fairly new. Why take away all the fun by moving in and killing ALL the mystery? Get your stuff and leave. At the best he will miss you and this might revive the relationship.

 

At the worst he might forget you. 10 months is not a long time. If he is already behaving this way, then I'm not sure how this will last. At your age, you need some stability. If this guy isn't providing it then you should move on. Nobody is worth the pain. Having a partner should be a glorious thing. The moment it becomes a source of constant anxiety and pain, you should reevaluate.

 

It will be hard. But think about your emotional well being. Move out. If be wants the relationship he will make an effort. If he doesn't, you can't force it.

[RebelWithoutACause]

This:

And he wont shut up about her.

 

This:

since he got his new job, we havent been intimate. So thats 2 months and no sex.. he barely hugs me or kisses me anymore

 

And this:

I have been told to tell him to stop going on about this girl, but he has a short temper and will blow up if I say that.

 

BIG red flags. The questions is not so much if he likes some new girl at work, but does he even like you. I get the sense he doesn't have much respect or care for you. Before you start obsessing over his alleged attraction to somebody else, you should reconsider if you even want to be with someone who is this disrespectful to you. It doesn't even matter is he likes this girl because your relationship already sounds very strained and unhappy.

[OwlSoul]

Guys are cowards most of the cases to say to a girl that he does not like her.

Agree with the previous posters. Some people have sex when the've been together for over 30 years. And you guys have been together for about a year. It's not about getting bored by a routine, it is about him not liking you anymore.

You're making too many excuses for him. Blaming his ex and etc. It is his problems and never should affect YOU.

 

I think you should write down how do you want him to behave [stop talking about this girl, coming home in time, spending more time together]. And gently tell him what kind of man you want to see around yourself. Then let him think. If he really cares about you and is afraid to lose you, he will listen. If he does not, then why would you want to stay with someone who'll dump you sooner or later anyways?

[Sunshine87]

Guys are cowards most of the cases to say to a girl that he does not like her.

Agree with the previous posters. Some people have sex when the've been together for over 30 years. And you guys have been together for about a year. It's not about getting bored by a routine, it is about him not liking you anymore.

You're making too many excuses for him. Blaming his ex and etc. It is his problems and never should affect YOU.

 

I think you should write down how do you want him to behave [stop talking about this girl, coming home in time, spending more time together]. And gently tell him what kind of man you want to see around yourself. Then let him think. If he really cares about you and is afraid to lose you, he will listen. If he does not, then why would you want to stay with someone who'll dump you sooner or later anyways?

 

I agree. But my the time a couple has established a strong emotional bond, their relationship won't be impeded their decision to live together. The OP however has been with her bf for ten years and from her comments it's clear that they have not established a solid relationship. Why live together at this point? When it's obvious that this guy doesn't love her as much as he should? This is a sure way to kill the relationship and the minimal interest or spark left.

 

Even married couples in deep love get bored of the routine sometimes and are forced to do things to revive the rship. How much more this couple?

I suggest the OP begins to get her act together. At 28 I'm sure she wants a real man who cares and loves her a lot. I'm not going to impose marriage on her but at 28 I'm sure she knows that this rship is not the best she can get. Don't live with a man who doesn't love you.

[MidwestUSA]

Girl, no sex for two months in a ten month relationship? For your own peace of mind, have a chat with your doctor and find out why sex leaves you so sore. If not for the sake of this relationship, for the future. Best wishes!

[Sunshine87]

Oops I meant 10 montjs

Damn you touch screen phones lol