Feels like I'm losing my husband.

[Ravensfeather]

Ok... this might be a bit long so I'm going to apologize ahead of time. I don't really have anyone close to me to talk to about this so I'm turning to the good old internet for help.

 

My husband and I have been married for about 3 years, and we've been together for about 6. I'm really worried because I don't know if we are growing apart or just 'going through a phase.' First of all I want to mention that I struggle with depression that has been going on for many years. I've been seeking treatment for it but sometimes its worse than other times. I know that it can't be easy for him to be around me when I am at my worst and feel bad for making him go through it.

 

Anyway, lately it seems like he is pulling away from me. When we were first together and into the first couple of years of marriage he always seemed to be attracted to me calling me beautiful, grabbing me for hugs, etc. Just generally being affectionate. But in the past year or so he's pretty much stopped doing any of that. Our intimacy has also taken a landslide as well and if we are ever to do anything I am having to initiate it. It's usually the same old thing and after he immediately gets up and goes to do something else.

 

I've spoken with him about how much these things bother me, and he said he would try to be more affectionate (lasted 2 days and back to nothing) and then he said he doesn't know why, but he just isn't ever in the mood for sex. He said it's not my fault and that it is embarrassing but yet he doesn't seem to want to try to figure out what is wrong (perhaps low hormone levels or something) and I continue to be the bad guy for wanting sex regularly and have had to try and ignore my libido so as to not be rejected again and again when I try to get him in the mood.

 

My issue with the libido thing, is that he seems to still masturbate regularly and I know he uses porn because I've seen it. It doesn't seem like he's addicted, but he sure doesn't seem like he is attracted to me any longer.

 

I feel I also need to mention that at the beginning of this year I found out that he had been emailing with other women from online posts for a very long time. He said he'd never met any of them, but had exchanged pictures (which upset me even more because he refused to send me any pictures of himself). I was upset at first but he swore that it was innocent chatting, until I read the emails which were very sexual in content. He said he realized he had crossed a line. I found out that the entire time we've been together he had been posting ads and talking with others. I caught him twice before and asked him to stop. Finally after this third time I have all of the passwords to his emails and can look at his texts whenever I want.

 

He told me he talked to others to relieve stress and that his past girlfriends had made him think that it was ok to talk to others. He went to therapy for a short time to try and fix his way of thinking. After all of this it feels as though maybe he resents me for making him stop talking to others. Or that he wants an open relationship even though we have discussed that it is not something I would want to do.

 

He has openly told me that he would be ok with me being with another man (or woman) as long as I told him first. I did not like this way of thinking because I see it as cheating still but he says I'm just taking it too personally and he has never liked being possessive or clingy.

 

I'm so lost at this point I am unsure of what to do... I've thought of divorce but we are great when we have our good times and he says he loves me very much. I just don't want to be stuck in an unhappy relationship constantly worrying that he's talking to someone else. Also, at one point we were trying to have a child, I had a miscarriage and have decided to stop for a while because all of this has been going on. I know he's stressed with work, especially because I am out of work (actively looking, just haven't found anything) but it seems so much bigger than a little stress. Please help

[BetheButterfly]

I am so sorry Ravensfeather,

 

Your situation is very difficult. Personally, if I were you, I would divorce.

 

My husband and I promised faithfulness to each other, and what your husband is doing is not being faithful, even if he has not put his penis in another person. Faithfulness starts with the mind, and since your husband is looking at porn and mailing other women, his brain has already started the process of unfaithfulness.

 

It is sad because as you wrote, y'all are great when the connection is strong between y'all. However, there are consequences to unfaithfulness. A natural consequence is that a couple is not as connected.

 

It is very smart of you to wait for having a baby. You can't make your husband be faithful, but you can decide what you will do. Have you thought of separating and going to a divorcecare group? That might help both him and you decide what to do.

 

Personally, I believe a man who is looking for other women while being married does not know what true love is. While long time ago, before women's rights, some men had concubines and married many wives (Well, this still happens in some places but anyways), nowadays it's awesome when a couple decide to be a team together and enjoy sex together. That makes sex a hugely strong connection that is shared with noone else. If that is what you want, then your husband does not sound like he is capable at this time of his life for such a union.

[Ravensfeather]

Thanks for replying BetheButterfly, I was afraid no one would. The fact that he watches porn is not a big concern aside from the fact we now have very limited sex anymore and he claims he doesn't have the desire for sex but when I ask him about masturbating he laughs and says well he is a man...

 

I have been thinking about divorce for a little while but he appears to want to make it work, saying that I am the only one who understands him. This whole thing doesn't help my depression any which in turn causes a vicious circle of issues. I wouldn't even mind if we didn't have sex but if we could just have the cuddling and intimacy. When we do have sex it's quick and then he jumps up and leaves the room or gets on his phone to play a game.

[ChasingCars]

Oh gosh,

 

This post could have been written verbatim by my fMM's wife except as far as I know she just found out about the online stuff last month. (To the point of knowing he chatted with a female "a couple times" anyway.)

 

If I had to bet, I would bet he is having ongoing cyber affair/s (at least cyber) and you don't know the half of it. She never found out either.

 

I cross my fingers for you that isn't the case but really...I'd bet my savings on it.

 

 

Take care of you.

[LittleTiger]

I've thought of divorce but we are great when we have our good times and he says he loves me very much. I just don't want to be stuck in an unhappy relationship constantly worrying that he's talking to someone else. Also, at one point we were trying to have a child, I had a miscarriage and have decided to stop for a while because all of this has been going on. I know he's stressed with work, especially because I am out of work (actively looking, just haven't found anything) but it seems so much bigger than a little stress. Please help

 

He says he loves you very much? Words are cheap, and from someone who has regularly lied to you in the past, they mean nothing.

 

Do you feel loved? How does he show you that he loves you? I don't see anything in your post that suggests there is any love flowing from him to you. He says you're the only one who understands him? Really? Clearly you don't understand him or you wouldn't be posting here - and since when was the relationship all about him and his needs? What about you?

 

From everything you've said, I have to agree with BTB, if you "don't want to be stuck in an unhappy relationship constantly worrying that he's talking to someone else", your only real option is divorce.

 

If he was chatting online to other women even in the early days when your relationship was good, he certainly isn't going to stop now that you've lost your emotional connection. I think you can be fairly certain he is stepping well over the line with his online chatting and, if you are now 'watching' him, he has all the more reason to take it offline where you can't track his behaviour.

 

Your post jumped out at me because of the title. About 6 months before my ex-husband announced he wanted out of our marriage, I told him "I feel like I'm losing you". He denied it of course, but I was right. Sadly, I suspect you're right too.

[Ravensfeather]

Thank you all for your responses. I am unsure about what to do with him at this point. It would appear all communications have been stopped and this past week he seems to be showing more affection towards me, however I do still constantly worry. I know that he visits porn websites daily as I've seen his computer history, yet he says he has no drive to have sex with me.... I want a child and I thought he did too but it doesn't sound like that will happen anytime soon.

[KathyM]

I'm sorry, but it seems like your husband is getting his sexual needs met through porn, which can be very addictive. And also through contacting other women, and possibly having cybersex with them. A good friend of mine ruined her marriage because she got involved with talking with strange men on the internet, and eventually having cybersex with one, and meeting up with some others for the real thing. Cybersex and talking to/hooking up with men from the internet can be addictive too. My friend was addicted to that, and she was the type of person you would have never thought that would happen to. As BTB said, your husband has already cheated on you emotionally by exchanging pictures with these women and making them an important part of his life by spending significant time corresponding with them. He may realize that he has an addiction, and that is why he tried the one time to break away and reinvest in his relationship with you, but it sounds like this addiction is really engrained. I would suggest you either separate, or you insist on marriage counseling, and immediate cessation of his interactions with women on the internet, and reduction of his porn use. That would be the more difficult route. A porn addiction or internet addiction is very hard to break. A separation is probably what I would do, if I were in your shoes. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I would also suggest you see a counselor for treatment for your own depression, regardless of how you decide to handle this situation with your husband.