The Bargaining Phase

[hellon]

Why is it that we always want what we can't have? Why is it that as soon as someone breaks up with us, we can only remember their good qualities? Why is it that when we're at our lowest, we put them on the highest pedestal? And why does someone ignoring us make us batsh*t crazy???

 

I spent the past two years with someone who I kept at arms length most of the time. He was always the chaser, and I kept running in the other direction. I liked his company, liked his dedication, and didn't want to be with anyone else, and yet I couldn't commit to a real, long term anything, at least not out loud. Our social lives never really meshed. I broke things off with him multiple times, but it never stuck.

 

Well, I finally got what I was asking for. One big argument, and two days later he's completely over it, happier without me, "moved-on." I should feel relieved. I should feel liberated. Instead, all I can do is keep texting him, messaging him, and trying to come up with ways to win him back. I miss him terribly. The idea of him with someone else makes me nauseous. I feel horrible. I feel regretful. All I had to do was be open with my feelings from the get-go (hindsight, ugh), and I feel the need to tell him that. I want to beg his forgiveness, swear I can change and be better and give him what he's always wanted...

 

All this and... why didn't I feel so strongly before I was dumped? Is all this remorse even based on anything real? Either we humans have a really crappy way of dealing with loss, or I have a really crappy way of dealing with relationships. Maybe I'll just never know how good something is till it's gone.

[mtnbiker3000]

Just remember, there was a reason you did what you did. You were not willing to commit, so there had to be something stopping you. Or else you would have. So focus on that road-block and realize it played out the only way you let it. Dig deep and realize you got what you truly wanted.

[hellon]

Maybe true, but I guess I am wondering if I just wasn't willing to admit to myself (and him) that I really wanted more. In any case, I certainly didn't want things to end with him hating me, but I guess it was inevitable.

[Talulah]

Why is it that we always want what we can't have? Why is it that as soon as someone breaks up with us, we can only remember their good qualities? Why is it that when we're at our lowest, we put them on the highest pedestal? And why does someone ignoring us make us batsh*t crazy???

 

I spent the past two years with someone who I kept at arms length most of the time. He was always the chaser, and I kept running in the other direction. I liked his company, liked his dedication, and didn't want to be with anyone else, and yet I couldn't commit to a real, long term anything, at least not out loud. Our social lives never really meshed. I broke things off with him multiple times, but it never stuck.

 

Well, I finally got what I was asking for. One big argument, and two days later he's completely over it, happier without me, "moved-on." I should feel relieved. I should feel liberated. Instead, all I can do is keep texting him, messaging him, and trying to come up with ways to win him back. I miss him terribly. The idea of him with someone else makes me nauseous. I feel horrible. I feel regretful. All I had to do was be open with my feelings from the get-go (hindsight, ugh), and I feel the need to tell him that. I want to beg his forgiveness, swear I can change and be better and give him what he's always wanted...

 

All this and... why didn't I feel so strongly before I was dumped? Is all this remorse even based on anything real? Either we humans have a really crappy way of dealing with loss, or I have a really crappy way of dealing with relationships. Maybe I'll just never know how good something is till it's gone.

 

This is so true. I had my rough times with ex either and I tried to break it off with him too. And then one day he finally did, although it wasn't so easy for him to do it. I think maybe we readied them for a beak-up since we already did it a couple of times. Mine told me everything that I was afraid to admit to myself in the end. He told me that he stressed me and saw that it was hard on me. I guess he felt bad about that.

 

But I am also confused about the ending of it all. Mine was pretty mean to me towards the end. He is a passive aggressive person and in the end he just brought things up that he didn't like from months before! I was so confused and disappointed in him. Maybe we really did hurt both of out exes in the end. Who knows? But I agree, it is a knee-jerk reaction.

[hellon]

I think meanness is a reaction to being hurt, so that makes sense. Mine was nasty for a day or two, and now is just cold, which is almost worse. And I guess being readied for the breakup does to. I think my guy probably feels liberated.I know I must've hurt him extremely along the way, and I feel like this is his revenge almost. He keeps saying he wasted two years with me, which is so sad considering there were obvious good/great times in with the bad.

 

I still can't believe how crazy it's all making me. He won't even talk to me, let alone see me. I'm starting to get pretty depressed, and having a hard time eating, concentrating, all the fun stuff, but I also feel like I don't have the right to feel this way, when it's probably my fault.

 

I'm doing stupid things like making excuses to see him and talk to him (I need my keys back, etc...) I do think being able to talk face to face would at least give me some closure, but who knows. Maybe I just need NC. Anyway, I'm rambling. Thanks for the support folks.

[Bozena]

Well I think you are just selfish and farsighted. I don't tell that in order to offend you. What I mean is that I don't believe you really wanted him that much and neither now you don't want him as much as you believe. It is that you were the one that you always leave and now he left so it is totally difficult for you to accept it.

[eddyctv]

Can you just be straight with him and tell him how you feel? Maybe you can reconcile? Maybe write him a letter so you can express your true feelings?

 

I think meanness is a reaction to being hurt, so that makes sense. Mine was nasty for a day or two, and now is just cold, which is almost worse. And I guess being readied for the breakup does to. I think my guy probably feels liberated.I know I must've hurt him extremely along the way, and I feel like this is his revenge almost. He keeps saying he wasted two years with me, which is so sad considering there were obvious good/great times in with the bad.

 

I still can't believe how crazy it's all making me. He won't even talk to me, let alone see me. I'm starting to get pretty depressed, and having a hard time eating, concentrating, all the fun stuff, but I also feel like I don't have the right to feel this way, when it's probably my fault.

 

I'm doing stupid things like making excuses to see him and talk to him (I need my keys back, etc...) I do think being able to talk face to face would at least give me some closure, but who knows. Maybe I just need NC. Anyway, I'm rambling. Thanks for the support folks.

[Zahara]

An ego bruised. He dumped you and you can't stand that because YOU were the one always in control of the relationship. He was the chaser and now that you don't have the attention, you're now coming up with all these revelations. You must be panicking that you've lost the reins. Where's my puppy boy? You broke things off with him multiple times and I'm sure all those times left you going back to him and for what reason? So what's changed now? You didn't feel all these revelations those multiple times after breaking up with him?

 

Leave the man alone. You had several chances with him and you didn't take it. He'd be a fool to let you back in because you would probably just fall back into your pattern and dump him again. There's a reason why it's happened more than once.

Edited July 10, 2013 by Zahara

[jphcbpa]

are you typically the avoidant in a relationship?

[BC1980]

I have seen this with my ex. I was hung up on him for a good 2 months after he dumped me, but now I can see the bad a lot better. Don't really know if I want him back now, but I would have given anything for him to want me back even a month ago.

 

Now he is the one texting me and asked me to lunch this past weekend. I think it's an ego thing once he realized I wasn't there anymore.

[aloneinaz]

Not to be mean to the OP but it sure sounds like Karma baby. You had your opportunity MULTIPLE times yet failed to capitalize on it. You left him multiple times. I feel sorry for the guy yet proud of him at the same time. You reap what you reward.

 

I think you're simply feeling a bruised ego like the others have said. You ALWAYS thought you're little puppy would be there for you despite how you treated him. He finally said FU to you and moved on with his life. You have to live with the consequences of how you treated this man. You also NEED to leave him alone. You should spend the time trying to figure out why you didn't love him more while he was available to you, learn from it and find someone you can fall for 100%.

 

I stupidly let my ex do the same thing to me. I think she broke up with me 3-4 times over 1.4 years. Each time saying she made a terrible mistake and would never break up with me again. Well, she did break up with me again after I told her I was tiring of the way she talked to me. She can F-off.. She's heard NOTHING from me in almost 6 weeks since nor will she ever. I can only hope she feels even a little bit like you do for being such a ****ty person to a guy that only wanted to make it work and loved her and her kids unconditionally. I'll never speak w/her again..

[lop98]

Just remember, there was a reason you did what you did. You were not willing to commit, so there had to be something stopping you. Or else you would have. So focus on that road-block and realize it played out the only way you let it. Dig deep and realize you got what you truly wanted.

 

I agree with this. I did this with someone, always trying to break up, trying to avoid any sort of commitment, I was so in love but was still unable to get past that wall during the relationship and after the breakup, I started idealizing, thinking I'd do everything I didn't do at the time right away, but you know what? I wouldn't have done it if we had gotten back. I'm now with someone else and I feel the confidence and safety I never felt with my 'ex', I can open up to him, I always want to see him, I have never feel the urge to hide, let alone break things up... I enjoy being committed to him and the idea of building a future together. The other guy just wasn't for me, the relationship was never healthy and it was some defense mechanism to keep resisting time after time. Separations hurt and they can be confusing and you may really feel the love but it's worth reminding yourself what stopped you then... and anyway, once you find someone that makes you feel the opposite and like you just want to go for it, you'll realize why.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Being left causes a chemical reaction in the body which could contribute to this phenomenon.

 

Google it...

 

"The researchers found that the area of the brain that is active during the pain and anguish experienced during a breakup is the same part of the brain associated with motivation, reward and addiction cravings. Brain imaging shows similarities between romantic rejection and cocaine craving. Rejection hurts so acutely because we get addicted to the relationship, only to have it taken away from us. And after, just like a drug addiction, we go through withdrawal."

 

"During any upsetting experience, your brain pumps out cortisol, epinephrine, and other stress hormones, which, in limited quantity, help you react quickly to dangerous situations (like when a car is cutting you off on the highway). However, under long-term trauma, such as heartbreak, accumulating amounts can turn harmful. An overabundance of cortisol tells your brain to send too much blood to your muscles, causing them to tense up, ostensibly for swift action. But you're not leaping anywhere, and as a result you're plagued with swollen muscles that can lead to headaches, a stiff neck, and that awful squeezing sensation in your chest. Cortisol also diverts blood away from your digestive track, leaving you with some serious GI unpleasantness. And to add insult to injury, an overkill of stress hormones can impede your immune system, making you more vulnerable to rogue bacteria and viruses—hence the all-too-common postrelationship cold."

 

Fyi

[hellon]

I appreciate the diversity of responses on here, it's given me a lot to think about, and helped me answer a lot of my own questions. I do feel like I need to clarify some things in defense of myself, to those who think I'm on a selfish ego trip.

 

In short, my previous relationship left me burned. I've always had a hard time letting my guard down, and since that heartbreak it's been even worse. My uncertainty now is that I can't even tell if I kept pushing my latest guy away as a defense mechanism, creating reasons in my mind why we couldn't work, or if the reasons were actually legitimate. And yes, I liked the attention he gave me, but please- to simplify what I'm feeling now as a bruised ego is ridiculous. There was much more to the relationship than that. This is someone I truly care about. Chemical reaction aside, I'm sincerely hurt and remorseful, I wouldn't be posting on here if I weren't. I'm wading through the confusion, and trying my best not to contact him, since I do agree that that will cause the least damage. I want to keep apologizing and trying to fix things, but I'm refraining.

 

Finally, this is a forum for people looking for support, commiseration, and honest advice- I have gotten mostly that from ya'll, so thank you. But Erich- stop bitterly insulting people you don't actually know, based on your totally irrelevant personal experiences.

[Vials]

Yup, been there.

 

The chase feels nice. At least, IMO. It's nice when someone's thinking of you, when someone's wanting you, texting you etc. It makes you feel important. The, when they're gone, you're suddenly left with nothing and you want those things back.

 

If the guy was R material, you'd be dating him. I didn't date my guy because I got the player vibe from him, and he started sexting me early on so I felt like he was looking for sex. If you were indeed in love with him, you'd be with him but you're not. You just want the chase again, not him.

[Zahara]

If you're carrying baggage from your previous relationships that are causing you to sabotage everything that is infront of you, then find your way to fix those issues. You can't carry your baggage along with you and expect the next person to do your song and dance because you're not stable in your emotional and mental well-being. It is selfish.

 

If there was much more to the relationship, then it would have worked the first time, instead you broke up with him multiple times, not once, not twice, multiple times. Who in their right mind would ever trust again after being treated that way? And if you truly care for him, let him go because you can't trust yourself either to know that when the time comes to let your guard down again, would you be able to treat him right? Especially without ever working and knowing why you do the things you do.

 

Were you feeling this way after every break-up or just now because he ended it with you? A bruised ego has truth to it, in some capacity.

 

You're hurt? Don't forget how much it hurt the chaser everytime he was rejected. Wade through your confusion without pulling him into it because you'll only repeat your issues since you have a pattern. You had your chance to fix it. If after breaking up multiple times you still can't fix it, it's telling you something. Fix you.

Edited July 11, 2013 by Zahara

[hellon]

Being left causes a chemical reaction in the body which could contribute to this phenomenon.

 

Google it...

 

"The researchers found that the area of the brain that is active during the pain and anguish experienced during a breakup is the same part of the brain associated with motivation, reward and addiction cravings. Brain imaging shows similarities between romantic rejection and cocaine craving. Rejection hurts so acutely because we get addicted to the relationship, only to have it taken away from us. And after, just like a drug addiction, we go through withdrawal."

 

"During any upsetting experience, your brain pumps out cortisol, epinephrine, and other stress hormones, which, in limited quantity, help you react quickly to dangerous situations (like when a car is cutting you off on the highway). However, under long-term trauma, such as heartbreak, accumulating amounts can turn harmful. An overabundance of cortisol tells your brain to send too much blood to your muscles, causing them to tense up, ostensibly for swift action. But you're not leaping anywhere, and as a result you're plagued with swollen muscles that can lead to headaches, a stiff neck, and that awful squeezing sensation in your chest. Cortisol also diverts blood away from your digestive track, leaving you with some serious GI unpleasantness. And to add insult to injury, an overkill of stress hormones can impede your immune system, making you more vulnerable to rogue bacteria and viruses—hence the all-too-common postrelationship cold."

 

Fyi

 

I wonder why this is our way of coping, it seems pretty flawed. It seems like with a relationship withdrawal, there is an added (or just different) emotional level of anguish. Anyway, I would really appreciate it if my brain would pump out something more resembling zanax or at least a nice cup of chamomile than cracked-out stress hormones.

[hellon]

Fyi

 

If you're carrying baggage from your previous relationships that are causing you to sabotage everything that is infront of you, then find your way to fix those issues. You can't carry your baggage along with you and expect the next person to do your song and dance because you're not stable in your emotional and mental well-being. It is selfish.

 

Yep, I have issues, I need to work through them. I totally agree. I was actually very open and honest about these issues with him, and the times I tried to break things off were partially based on this. He made the choice to stick around. It takes two to tango.

 

If there was much more to the relationship, then it would have worked the first time, instead you broke up with him multiple times, not once, not twice, multiple times. Who in their right mind would ever trust again after being treated that way? And if you truly care for him, let him go because you can't trust yourself either to know that when the time comes to let your guard down again, would you be able to treat him right? Especially without ever working and knowing why you do the things you do.

 

See above re:multiple breakups and knowing why I do the things I do. However, I do think there is something to be said about loss putting things in perspective. I would like to believe that with the right combination of self-awareness, emotional intelligence, and perspective, that it would be possible to re-approach a relationship. I say "would like to believe," because while I would like to, I know I won't have the chance to do that in this situation.

 

Were you feeling this way after every break-up or just now because he ended it with you? A bruised ego has truth to it, in some capacity.

 

Yes, there is an ego-factor- but when we broke things off in the past, it never felt as final and bitter as this does, at least not to me. It was always more of a needing space but still keeping in contact kind of situation. I never cut him off entirely. And while it does bruise my ego that he is the one initiating it now, I'm feeling the way I feel because it's not at all how I wanted things to end up, and because he is so completely closed-off to me.

 

You're hurt? Don't forget how much it hurt the chaser everytime he was rejected. Wade through your confusion without pulling him into it because you'll only repeat your issues since you have a pattern. You had your chance to fix it. If after breaking up multiple times you still can't fix it, it's telling you something. Fix you.

 

Yep, I'm hurt. There is no pulling of anyone into anything happening here. I haven't and won't ever forget that I hurt him, and that actually makes this all the more painful. But he is 100% done, so this is no longer about him.

[Zahara]

Yes, with self-awareness, emotional intelligence and perspective, it would definitely be possible to re-approach but what have you done to achieve any of those things?

 

Of course you never felt it as final or bitter before because the break-ups were under your control and you probably knew that he'd still be there if you needed to resume. Knowing he's a chaser guaranteed you security that he'd been there if you needed to hit the reset button. That is why you never cut him off completely. Now that he has ended it with you, you can't accept that control is now in his hands. It's paralyzed you. You can't write rules that make YOU comfortable in a break-up. Not how "I" wanted to end things? You had "your" way several times. It's unfortunate that "his" way now doesn't sit well with you.

 

Of course he is closed off. I've been in these types of relationships and after awhile, it leaves you drained and exhausted. By then you want nothing to do with that person because all they've done is hurt you.

Edited July 12, 2013 by Zahara

[aloneinaz]

Hellon-

 

You should take this time apart from him to work on your and your admitted issues. You also need to ask yourself if this guy was truly for you or not. Others have also commented that if you truly loved this guy, you would not have repeatedly kicked him to the curb. There were reasons why you rejected him again and again.

 

My ex and I dated 1.4 years. I think she broke up with me a total of 4 times with the last being the final time. We'd always get back together and she plead insanity and that she had her issues that caused her to make those rash decisions and wouldn't do it again. Shame on me for trusting her cause she did and i'd get back together with her AGAIN. The final time she broke up with me is the last time. Clearly there's something about me she doesn't like or is missing or she wouldn't keep doing it. I'm ok with that as well. We don't all like each other and discover things that we feel are deal breakers. She has her own issues that if she doesn't address, NO ONE will make her happy long term. She has relationship problems in general, has no real friends and struggles with her family. This takes some of the sting of being dumped away. If she was very popular, level headed, friendly to all, then I'd feel a lot worse about being rejected.

[hellon]

Hellon-

 

You should take this time apart from him to work on your and your admitted issues. You also need to ask yourself if this guy was truly for you or not. Others have also commented that if you truly loved this guy, you would not have repeatedly kicked him to the curb. There were reasons why you rejected him again and again.

 

My ex and I dated 1.4 years. I think she broke up with me a total of 4 times with the last being the final time. We'd always get back together and she plead insanity and that she had her issues that caused her to make those rash decisions and wouldn't do it again. Shame on me for trusting her cause she did and i'd get back together with her AGAIN. The final time she broke up with me is the last time. Clearly there's something about me she doesn't like or is missing or she wouldn't keep doing it. I'm ok with that as well. We don't all like each other and discover things that we feel are deal breakers. She has her own issues that if she doesn't address, NO ONE will make her happy long term. She has relationship problems in general, has no real friends and struggles with her family. This takes some of the sting of being dumped away. If she was very popular, level headed, friendly to all, then I'd feel a lot worse about being rejected.

 

I totally agree that I need to work on things. I'm not actually sure if that's something that can be worked on outside of a relationship, though. I wish I had recognized earlier on that I was starting to sabotage things, but I didn't. As far as loving someone 100%- honestly, at this point in my life, I'm not really sure if that's a real thing. I know a lot of people who say that when you meet "the one," you just know it, without a doubt, but maybe it's not like that for everyone. I felt like that with my previous ex, but it didn't work out. I'm afraid that sort of thinking is what has actually leads to unrealistic expectations sometimes. Inevitably, at a certain point in a relationship, I start to overanalyze, and look for things that are wrong, rather than focusing on the positive. There were some things that bothered me about this guy, but I think he was also good for me in a lot of ways. If I had been more open, it would've been easier to focus on those good things.

 

I'm sorry someone put you through this sort of thing, but you seem to have the healthier perspective, in the end. I'm sure it does help knowing that she's just not a happy person to begin with. That whole "it's not you, it's me" thing actually sometimes rings true. And if it's any consolation, she probably feels pretty sh*tty about herself and the way she treated the situation- I know I do.

 

Anyway, I emailed him today. I felt like there were some things that needed to be said, and I don't think I could have started to move forward without saying them. I don't think it was anything that would upset him- I basically told him how sorry I was, that I hadn't ever stopped caring about him, but I made it clear that I wasn't asking anything from him- just wanting him to know that he was appreciated. I don't expect to hear from him after that, so now it's on the the next phase. Accepting that it's really over, and dealing with the awful void.

[coffeebean201]

I think meanness is a reaction to being hurt, so that makes sense. Mine was nasty for a day or two, and now is just cold, which is almost worse. And I guess being readied for the breakup does to. I think my guy probably feels liberated.I know I must've hurt him extremely along the way, and I feel like this is his revenge almost. He keeps saying he wasted two years with me, which is so sad considering there were obvious good/great times in with the bad.

 

I still can't believe how crazy it's all making me. He won't even talk to me, let alone see me. I'm starting to get pretty depressed, and having a hard time eating, concentrating, all the fun stuff, but I also feel like I don't have the right to feel this way, when it's probably my fault.

 

I'm doing stupid things like making excuses to see him and talk to him (I need my keys back, etc...) I do think being able to talk face to face would at least give me some closure, but who knows. Maybe I just need NC. Anyway, I'm rambling. Thanks for the support folks.

 

 

The fantasy of these relationships often exceeds the reality of what these relationships were. Also guys get stubborn, so accept that he won't communicate and move on. For reasons that are his own, he's not talking to you about it. The minute you are spectacularly happy with someone else, he will suddenly remember you number and.....

[hellon]

The fantasy of these relationships often exceeds the reality of what these relationships were. Also guys get stubborn, so accept that he won't communicate and move on. For reasons that are his own, he's not talking to you about it. The minute you are spectacularly happy with someone else, he will suddenly remember you number and.....

 

You know, you make a good point, guys are stubborn. Now, in this circumstance, he has good reason to be done communicating. I don't blame him. BUT, this guy is more stubborn than most. I've seen him shut out people entirely (including family members) when he didn't approve of their behavior, and it was one of the things about him that bothered me. So thanks for the reality reminder, coffeebean!