ParetoPrinciple Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 So I have found out about the Emot. Affair. And now I know she is going to see him this weekend... Should I let her go without question... And confront her when she gets back after the deed is done. Or should I question her motives beforehand?
hayewils Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 I say let her go.. If that is what she wants, then go have fun. If I were you, I would be out having the time of my life. Don't show her that it bothers you, do not show desperation, do not whistle, yell, or throw rocks her way.. If she feels that you don't matter, which its seems that is the case, let her be.. let her see she messed up. you go get your bang on!!!
trippi1432 Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 Based on your other thread..which didn't go into a lot of detail about the state of your 8 year marriage, but concentrated on this, the EA, which does take focus off of you and the relationship....what do you think the right answer is? She says I have narsissitic personality disorder... I dont know. My friend who is a psych. said that the mere fact that I am worried about having it means I do not... I am so confused and so upset... I told her I want her to be happy and I want to fix things. She says that I only want to fix it for me... Not for her or the kids. I needed physical intimacy which I was getting sparingly and I never NEVER cheated physically. NPD is rarely ever diagnosed because people with NPD won't go to therapy as there is nothing wrong with them. But what is interesting is that she says that you only want to fix it for you, not for her or the kids. What is she asking you to fix that would keep her from wanting to go have sex with another man (considering your other post is that you just want physical intimacy and it's sparing?) And the fact that you are worried about having NPD is just asking for validation that you don't. I hated having a lot of "labels" too but having some narcissism is healthy...just not at the expense of the only focus being about you. 1
GG2W Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 Accept that your marriage is dead and she killed it. Get Divorce papers ready, while she is gone change locks, and have her served. Follow her and take photos and send them to her parents and friends, and if he has a wife, his wife 1
BeholdtheMan Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 So I have found out about the Emot. Affair. And now I know she is going to see him this weekend... Should I let her go without question... And confront her when she gets back after the deed is done. Or should I question her motives beforehand?Whatever you do, don't cling to her. Respect yourself. Don't be a doormat. She's crossed the line, you need to walk away
almond Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 Do this: Whatever you do, don't cling to her. Respect yourself. Don't be a doormat. She's crossed the line, you need to walk away Do NOT do this: Follow her and take photos and send them to her parents and friends, and if he has a wife, his wife
Author ParetoPrinciple Posted July 10, 2013 Author Posted July 10, 2013 Based on your other thread..which didn't go into a lot of detail about the state of your 8 year marriage, but concentrated on this, the EA, which does take focus off of you and the relationship....what do you think the right answer is? The marriage was always very good for the most part. She stayed at home with the kids and had freedom to do what she wanted. We have everything we could possibly need from a material stanpoint. We dont have issues with money and we rarely fought. Most of the time we were intimate at least 2-3 times per month and when we were it was fantastically passionate. She has re-written history in her mind. I am not saying I am not at all to blame for any issues, but she has barraged me with a timeline of everything I have ever done wrong. From "getting her pregnant" too early on. (We went on to have 2 more kids, so I dont think that was an issue) to not allowing her to work or pursue her dreams (Again, she did not need to work so she was free to pursue what she wanted). and on and on. I am at a loss. Now she is running into the arms of a man 30 years older than her and I am devastated and confused. As far as what she wanted to me to fix... She felt lonely all of the time. Eve n though I worked we spent nearly every evening together and weekends as a family. We would do fun things. Go fun places. We even went out on dates a few times per month.... I guess she just wasnt happy for a long time and I missed the cues...
trippi1432 Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 ParetoP - Thank you for filling in some more background on this. Just to make sure I didn't miss something....30 years older?? That would place the man in his late 50's/early 60's and she met him online? I think the mindset that I would be in right now is the safety of your three children. Hopefully she doesn't take any of them with her to go meet this guy. Who will have the kids while she goes and meets this guy? You? Her mother? And just one more thing, why were you only intimate 2-3 times a month or did you mean per week? Obviously, we don't know the ages here of you and your wife, but if she is going to see someone 30 years older, I'm thinking late 20's to early 30's (I hope).
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 So sorry to hear this. I agree that you need to make sure your children are not subjected to her affair. You need to do whatever seems right to you but this is what I would do, I would tell her that she is free to go and continue her affair with the guy, but she will do it knowing that you will absolutely divorce her if she does. You will not be in a marriage with three people. She may not take the children with her to be negatively impacted by her affair, it is terrible for their mental health and well being. If she will stay and agree to stop all contact you will work with her to try to resolve marital issues. Then, If the OM has a spouse then you need to inform her. You need to lawyer up, start the divorce process. You should get your children into IC to help them cope. Mommy is clearly off the rails. YOU should get into IC to help you cope
Author ParetoPrinciple Posted July 10, 2013 Author Posted July 10, 2013 ParetoP - Thank you for filling in some more background on this. Just to make sure I didn't miss something....30 years older?? That would place the man in his late 50's/early 60's and she met him online? I think the mindset that I would be in right now is the safety of your three children. Hopefully she doesn't take any of them with her to go meet this guy. Who will have the kids while she goes and meets this guy? You? Her mother? And just one more thing, why were you only intimate 2-3 times a month or did you mean per week? Obviously, we don't know the ages here of you and your wife, but if she is going to see someone 30 years older, I'm thinking late 20's to early 30's (I hope). Trippi- I will have the kids this weekend. I am taking them to my parents beach house. You are correct I am 32 and she is 29. So yes, the guy is apparently 63! In terms of intimacy I meant 2-3 times per month because otherwise I would have been smothering her.... She did not always want it. She did not always want to be close. She is not a monster. She is a VERY good person. Always has been. She is a great mother and has always been a great wife... I think she is just sad and lonley (perhaps my fault) and I think that she would never subject the kids to the affair... However I need to be sure of that and protect them. We got married young... She keeps reminding me of that....
MYCluciferase Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 I would indeed "question her motives beforehand", but not in an aggressive or emotional way, just letting her know that she's taking a big step away from you. I don't think that mentioning the children in this comment is stooping low, because after all she's thinking only of herself. What really is she doing? and has she already decided in her head that she needs to be out of the marriage? You say she has "rewritten history" - people who do that often do it for a reason; in this case presumably to justify her going off and exploring another man. If she hasn't mentioned her dissatisfaction in the marriage much before this incident, that's a point against her, because communication is a big part of keeping things healthy. I have to say that the argument - "She says that I only want to fix it for me... Not for her or the kids." - is completely brutal, a catch-22. It takes away any credit you might get for trying to hold things together, it takes away all your moral high ground as being the one who is trying to keep the marriage together. I think this is an outrageous statement, it would make me absolutely furious. Who is she putting the marriage at risk for? Herself. Putting the things above together, whatever has gone on between you in the past, she is now being selfish and cleverly putting everything on you as she goes to experiment with this other guy. Sadly it doesn't look good, and I'd prepare for the worst. 1
trippi1432 Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 Have to agree unfortunately, hope for the best but prepare for the worst in this situation. And another one, yes, she is completely off the rails. It seems like the classic, woe is me, who am I, I'm not happy so let me find someone to blame for my unhappiness....when it's clearly their responsibility to figure out their own internal happiness. So sorry this is happening to you. I have about the same low tolerance to walk away wives who wake up one morning not "feeling complete" as I do to cheaters of any gender. Get her a bottle of Geritol, wrap it up in pretty paper with a bow and tell her you hope she figures out her happiness one day. Ugh!! Work on being the best father you can be as it sounds like they are going to need at least one parent who has their feet on the ground and sane. 1
GuyInLimbo Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 Accept that your marriage is dead and she killed it. Get Divorce papers ready, while she is gone change locks, and have her served. Follow her and take photos and send them to her parents and friends, and if he has a wife, his wife What the hell do her friends and parents have to do with this? It's none of their damn business. That's trashy and unnecessary behavior. You're only throwing gas on a fire. I just don't understand why people suggest this sort of thing. 1
whatintheworld Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 What the hell do her friends and parents have to do with this? It's none of their damn business. That's trashy and unnecessary behavior. You're only throwing gas on a fire. I just don't understand why people suggest this sort of thing. I agree. You'll feel better about yourself if you choose to be a good person, no matter how bad you are a feeling. Reacting out of anger or a desire for revenge might be immediately gratifying but it sets you up to regret how poorly and immaturely you handled things when you look back on it later. You want to set yourself up to feel you did your best, were the best person you could be. This doubles as a nice way to shine a mirror on your spouse's very bad behavior and makes it harder for them to justify that behavior to themselves.
2.50 a gallon Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 Your wife is having an affair. Your choice to remain a doormat or man up and 1. Lawyer up 2. Serve her with Divorce papers 3. Change the locks 4. If you have the funds, hire a PI 5. If you don't have the funds, follow and get photos. I totally agree with GG2W. Expose the affair to everyone. She is doing this to you, your kids and her family and friends. And from the way it sounds is trying to blame you. Show them what she is doing Expose! Expose! Expose!
Recommended Posts