Boyfriend won't invite me out with work colleagues

[Lsnew]

Hi everyone

 

I just want some advice on an issue which has been bugging me.

 

(A little background)

I moved to a city with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years 6 months ago as he started a new job a year go now and needed to be closer to the office. I haven't been lucky enough to find a job yet and don't have any friends here so don't have the option to go out with my own friends yet but my boyfriend already has some old friends here.

 

 

(The issue)

My boyfriend has increasingly started to go out after work with colleagues/bosses since our move, about once a week now (now I know this is not much) but my issue is, I recently asked him (after finding out he's invited his own (male) friends out with these colleagues and they have attended) if I would ever get to meet them or be invited for a drink. I'm not possessive and haven't pestered him about this but his response was to me somewhat irrational and it ended up us arguing about it. He said he would never invite me as it wasn't 'appropriate' and made me out to seem I was making him feel guilty for going out as I don't have any friends. My problem lies with if its not appropriate then why is he inviting his friends and not me. He said to me 'why would you want to hang out with a bunch of lads anyway' even though he's told me female colleagues also go, 'it's not like you're going to befriend my work colleagues is it' I wasn't asking that, all I asked was would I ever get an invite.

 

 

He's been going to bars and clubs and after over hearing him say to one of his single friends 'you should see it in there on a Friday when all the girls come in and are gagging for some c**k'. It's made me feel uneasy about him going out. I don't think he's cheated on me and has recently talked about wedding rings but I can't help but feel excluded because of this. If I had my own friends I know I wouldn't feel so lonely but I can't seem to make friends as easily.

 

 

Why would he exclude me? Is he cheating? I know men need their space but am i being over paranoid? Since our argument he's said 'he would invite me if the time was right'. But since then he's gone out and invited his own friends but not me again.

 

 

Also the day after the big argument I met him outside his office (which is only walking distance from our house) to chat which we occasionally do and as he was coming out of the office his boss was going in so he ushered me away so his boss (one of the Guys he goes out with) wouldn't see. I asked him why he'd done that and he just brushed it off saying he didn't want him to start asking questions an introductions. Is he embarrassed of me or frightened of what his boss will spill? (I'm a relatively pretty girl so don't think its because he doesn't want to be seen with me.

 

 

HELP I'm stressed every time he goes out now

[shexy]

The only time I've had an experience where a guy I was in a relationship with wouldn't invite me out with his friends to meet them, didn't want me around his job, etc. was because he was talking to other girls at the same time he was dating me. And he probably didn't want someone asking him questions about me and our "relationship"

 

It doesn't sound to me like you're being possessive or naggy - I would be bored if I were in your shoes and want to go out with him and meet some of his friends and maybe make some friends of my own while I"m out.

 

It sounds like he is definitely trying to hide something. It might not have anything to do with another girl, but he's hiding something.

[bu2002]

Question...you've been with this guy for 2.5 years, correct? How was he before moving to this new city and new job? Did he include you in after work activities or in general activities with his friends?

 

I'm curious to know his prior behavior. He could just be wanting to get comfortable with this group prior to introducing you. This could be his way of having space with you and his alone time with male buddies.

[veggirl]

Yes he is trying to portray himself as unattached to SOMEONE. I don't think you need to be invited EVERY time but def sometimes. I moved across country to be w/ my bf again and when he goes out w/ work friends I am always invited. I don't always go but he invites me. Sometimes *I* feel awkward because when I go I'm the ONLY non work colleague there lol.

 

and I mean going clubbing and s.hit without you? Might be okay sometimes if it weren't for those nasty comments. WTF. I'd have said something right then and there. Are his buddies single? how old are you guys?

 

I think it's VERY rude not to invite you when he knows you don't know anyone there.

[nescafe1982]

I think after 2.5 years you should be able to have a frank discussion with him about it, and you should make an appearance once or twice (to be clear: I'm not saying to drop in or surprise him, but to get his okay and go out with him and the coworkers every now and again). As long as he's not fooling around, though, he's entitled to have his boys' nights out.

 

Another thought to consider: if his coworkers are dogs, he may be hesitating because he's worried about them offending (or hitting on) you.

[kaylan]

Yes he is trying to portray himself as unattached to SOMEONE. I don't think you need to be invited EVERY time but def sometimes. I moved across country to be w/ my bf again and when he goes out w/ work friends I am always invited. I don't always go but he invites me. Sometimes *I* feel awkward because when I go I'm the ONLY non work colleague there lol.

 

and I mean going clubbing and s.hit without you? Might be okay sometimes if it weren't for those nasty comments. WTF. I'd have said something right then and there. Are his buddies single? how old are you guys?

 

I think it's VERY rude not to invite you when he knows you don't know anyone there.

This this this.

 

I still plan to do the bar or club thing occasionally if I have a girlfriend anytime soon, but I will want to go and have a good time WITH her. Id make her apart of my group with my friends.

 

OP, a guy who goes out clubbing alone with his buddies, and says the kinda crap your man just said, is a guy looking for other women while trying to appear single.

Edited July 10, 2013 by kaylan

[raccoontt]

I understand your bf, and I would act the same. I always tried not to mix my private life with my job. I had a story when I overlooked it and it became a problem. I gave my boss a lift after work and my gf was in the same car, so while I had to concentrate on the road they had a twenty minutes conversation, had an argue and didn't like each other. After that my gf wanted me to quit that job, which was really good, and my boss tried to fire me. I had hard time to calm down that situation.

[Lsnew]

Bu2002 - He didn't go out hardly at all with his last work colleagues only for Christmas party etc but then we did live in the middle of nowhere and not a city, so im not sure many people went out. its only been since we've moved in closer to his work. He goes out to places which are about 10 min walk from our house. With regards to his friends from home he always invites me it's just the work people.

 

Veggirl - I'm 31 he's 29. I would have said something about it but he was drunk at the time and I wouldn't have got an honest answer about my questioning, he's quite augmentative and I'd rather have an easy life than argue but I may still mention it if he goes there again. Some of his friends have g/f but the one he made the comment to doesn't and is somewhat of a player.

 

 

His job is very corporate and highly stressed and he says he needs to go out with these people for his job sake and to succeed for our future and says they are just work colleagues and not friends. His boss from what I gather is a bit of a womaniser and I don't know who else goes out from this crowd.

 

 

We do pretty much everything else together it's just this, I'm not asking for an invite all the time, just maybe once so I can put some faces to names.

 

 

I just wanted to get an outside opinion about how other people treat there partners when it comes to situations like this.

 

 

Thanks everyone, I just need to hear the truth to make up my mind about what I'm going to do.

[OwlSoul]

Looks bad for me. Especially, if you have never been introduced to his new friends. He is not trying to understand your feelings either and try to make a compromise.

I'd say he is cheating on you.

[phineas]

what?

Is he on the cast of Mad Men or "the boiler room?"

Is he now a "corporate Bro?"

Is his name Brad or does he work with someone named Brad?

 

Things don't add up.

Boss is a womanizer / female co-workers go out with them.

 

Needs to go out & be a "bro" for work / get totally blitzed in front of new boss & co-workers.

Edited July 10, 2013 by phineas

[almond]

He should definitely allow you to attend to at least meet them at some point, and ignoring your request is disrespectful IMO.

 

The dismissal when you were at his work (hiding you from the boss) is the real worry here though, how horrible for you

 

Definitely time for a heart to heart chat I think.

[Emilia]

He's got a chick at work. That's my guess from what I've seen over the years from men who behave in a similar fashion.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I actually don't think it is specifically about not wanting to mix business and personal rather I think this is a huge red flag. I may not have this all right, but lets break it down.

 

You said boss and some of his coworkers are womanizers

You said you heard a conversation where he remarked on all the girls that are at the club (I think)

You said he gave you the bums rush outside his office so his boss (or someone) wouldn't see you.

You said he invites his male friends out but not you

You said some of the coworkers are female and they go out.

You said he goes out several times a week, without you, most weeks.

 

He says this is for success a work....yeaaaaaahhhh riggghtttt

 

When you see it like we see it, facts on a page, uncluttered by 2 1/2 years of relationship and lovely words.

 

It is clearly apparent that something is not right. You know this.

 

There are a couple of possibilities, but none of them would make me think, oh whew. All good. All are BAD

 

1. He's having or working on having an affair

2. Or affairs, plural

3. He has lied to his boss that he is single and therefore has to hide you band behave single

4. He has demonized you with his coworkers so meeting you would blow his cover

5. He's a spy

 

Words vs actions what are his actions.

 

Your being passive and conflict avoidant is not going to help you resolve this.

 

Just sayin

[EasyHeart]

Oh good gravy! No offense, but the advice you're getting in this thread is utter nonsense. Your BF just started a new job. He's going out with his co-workers after work, he's not cheating on you.

 

After work happy hours are bonding sessions where co-workers can get to know each other and talk about work in an informal setting. Significant others are NOT welcome because they throw off the dynamic. These are times for people with high stress jobs to unwind with other people who share the same experience. In a lot of businesses (including mine), they are not optional if you expect to keep your job, let alone advance. Your boyfriend is trying to fit in with his new colleagues. The senior people are evaluating everything single thing your boyfriend does at these get-togethers with a very critical eye. Every single thing. The new guy bringing along his wife or girlfriend to one of these events is career suicide. Hell, I've seen people get shunted to undesirable projects (and eventually out the door) just because their wife calls to check up on them during a happy hour.

 

If you want to date your boyfriend, you have to accept that people work for a living. These are WORK functions, they aren't social. They sure as hell aren't parties. If you care about him and want him to be successful, you should be supportive, not critical, of him wanting to be successful in his new career.

[Emilia]

Oh good gravy! No offense, but the advice you're getting in this thread is utter nonsense. Your BF just started a new job. He's going out with his co-workers after work, he's not cheating on you.

 

After work happy hours are bonding sessions where co-workers can get to know each other and talk about work in an informal setting. Significant others are NOT welcome because they throw off the dynamic. These are times for people with high stress jobs to unwind with other people who share the same experience. In a lot of businesses (including mine), they are not optional if you expect to keep your job, let alone advance. Your boyfriend is trying to fit in with his new colleagues. The senior people are evaluating everything single thing your boyfriend does at these get-togethers with a very critical eye. Every single thing. The new guy bringing along his wife or girlfriend to one of these events is career suicide. Hell, I've seen people get shunted to undesirable projects (and eventually out the door) just because their wife calls to check up on them during a happy hour.

 

If you want to date your boyfriend, you have to accept that people work for a living. These are WORK functions, they aren't social. They sure as hell aren't parties. If you care about him and want him to be successful, you should be supportive, not critical, of him wanting to be successful in his new career.

I work in the City and it isn't the case here and it is the most cut-throat place in the UK. While other halves don't participate in drinks out usually, they sometimes turn up at the very end when they are in the area. They are also not hidden from bosses, you don't have to cross the street while talking to them and bosses tend to want to know how stable your home life is, events are often organised when the other half is invited. I've never worked anywhere in my life where hiding your SO was the norm.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Oh good gravy! No offense, but the advice you're getting in this thread is utter nonsense. Your BF just started a new job. He's going out with his co-workers after work, he's not cheating on you.

 

After work happy hours are bonding sessions where co-workers can get to know each other and talk about work in an informal setting. Significant others are NOT welcome because they throw off the dynamic. These are times for people with high stress jobs to unwind with other people who share the same experience. In a lot of businesses (including mine), they are not optional if you expect to keep your job, let alone advance. Your boyfriend is trying to fit in with his new colleagues. The senior people are evaluating everything single thing your boyfriend does at these get-togethers with a very critical eye. Every single thing. The new guy bringing along his wife or girlfriend to one of these events is career suicide. Hell, I've seen people get shunted to undesirable projects (and eventually out the door) just because their wife calls to check up on them during a happy hour.

 

If you want to date your boyfriend, you have to accept that people work for a living. These are WORK functions, they aren't social. They sure as hell aren't parties. If you care about him and want him to be successful, you should be supportive, not critical, of him wanting to be successful in his new career.

 

Respectfully, I work for a very large company...I have a number of employees. We go out "occasionally" and at those times it is not optional and we don't bring spouses. This is not the same.

 

As I said before, it's not about the actual invite out to the club. It's the other signs.

 

If his boss knew he has a live in girlfriend and he stays for one beer and says, "gotta run wanna spend time with my girl (wife, child, dog,cat)" you telling me that it would look bad?

 

Come on.

[EasyHeart]

Respectfully, I work for a very large company...I have a number of employees. We go out "occasionally" and at those times it is not optional and we don't bring spouses. This is not the same.

 

As I said before, it's not about the actual invite out to the club. It's the other signs.

 

If his boss knew he has a live in girlfriend and he stays for one beer and says, "gotta run wanna spend time with my girl (wife, child, dog,cat)" you telling me that it would look bad?

 

Come on.

Yes, yes it would.

[kaylan]

OP, dont be blind. Theres no reason a girl should be hidden from a guys coworkers so he can go party up with his womanizing boss and other women from work.

 

Make your concerns known.

[Arabella]

Sorry, but no. Something is going on.

 

I used to work with an all-male group. I was the only woman with like 10 guys, no joke. On the rare occasion we went out together, many of the guys would excuse themselves early to go home to their families. Nobody thought anything about it, and we would often be like "say hi to your wife for me!".

 

My explanations for why this is happening:

 

- There is a girl at work he's interested on, and he doesn't want her to know about you.

- He likes to "act single" when he goes out.

- His boss is an immature man-child who disapproves of relationships.

 

If it's OK to invite his male friends, it most certainly is OK to invite you. Don't let him or anyone tell you otherwise. And it's not like you have to go every time, so you're not trying to infringe upon his "space".

 

My suggestion is that you ask the next time he goes out and don't take a no for an answer. If this turns into a HUGE fight and ends up leaving without you, you can be certain there's another woman involved. If he seems annoyed but gives in, it's probably just an issue with his boss (ie. he doesn't want to be "looked down upon" by him).

 

Try it and report back!

[Arabella]

In other words, he's not allowed any sort of relationship or activity that doesn't involve you at least some of the time.

 

Sounds wonderful.

 

That's not what she said at all. The issue here is that it's MIGHTY suspicious that a man who involves his girlfriend in everything he does is suddenly excluding her so fervently from this ONE activity.

 

If he was the "I need my space" kinda guy, and displayed this behavior in other areas, it would make sense. As it stands, it's shady as hell.

[Coley09]

Wow! some people are very insecure, maybe just maybe it's a guy thing where they go out and have a beer, play some pool and talk about girls (talking about girls doesn't mean cheating).

If I went out with a group of lads and one of them brings his gf/wife then I can guarantee you that next time he won't get an invite.

Ask yourself this: would you take him with you if you went out with girlfriends? would you be comfy about the fact that maybe your girlfriends won't be comfortable around him being there?

[Arabella]

Wow! some people are very insecure, maybe just maybe it's a guy thing where they go out and have a beer, play some pool and talk about girls (talking about girls doesn't mean cheating).

If I went out with a group of lads and one of them brings his gf/wife then I can guarantee you that next time he won't get an invite.

Ask yourself this: would you take him with you if you went out with girlfriends? would you be comfy about the fact that maybe your girlfriends won't be comfortable around him being there?

 

You didn't read the thread, did you? There are female co-workers there as well, and he's inviting his male friends to come along. So, it's not an "all boys" night out, nor is it limited to employees only.

[darkmoon]

fast forward 10 years, OP will be waiting at home with a child while he goes out after work for drinks, the signs are there, you two need to talk about your marriage, you are not really happy with him now, red flag

[clia]

If his coworkers aren't inviting their significant others, he may feel odd doing so, especially since he hasn't been working there for very long. It sounds to me like he is just trying to fit in with his co-workers and blow off some steam. I definitely wouldn't jump to the conclusion that he is interested in some other woman because he goes out without his girlfriend once a week.

 

I go out with my coworkers (males and females) for drinks a couple times a month, and while sometimes people's friends join us, significant others or spouses never do. And no one is hooking up with anyone.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

.

 

Together 2 1/2 years

he started a new job a year ago

Just started having issue with going out frequently.

 

I recently asked him (after finding out he's invited his own (male) friends out with these colleagues and they have attended) if I would ever get to meet them or be invited for a drink.

 

he's told me female colleagues also go

 

 

He's been going to bars and clubs and after over hearing him say to one of his single friends 'you should see it in there on a Friday when all the girls come in and are gagging for some c**k'.

 

But since then he's gone out and invited his own friends but not me again.

 

I met him outside his office)to chat which we occasionally do and as he was coming out of the office his boss was going in so he ushered me away so his boss (one of the Guys he goes out with) wouldn't see.

 

I have edited out the key commentary.

I say it looks shady.

It isn't that he doesn't want to mix business with personal, it's ok with his mates.

It isn't that girls aren't there.

It IS because he was hiding her from work people.

Sketchy.