"Love" is an addiction- you are an addict.

[Echo000]

I just realized something today.

 

A family member got in a car crash. That was scary. Then i went to get blood drawn today, and i passed out (i HATE getting blood taken). I felt weak and scared and i texted my ex. And i realized something:

 

The ex gf/bf is a DRUG. You are drawn to them in part by love, but so much by familiarity. Even the PAIN is desired--we have gotten so comfortable that even if it hurts, its familiar. And that brings us a perverse sense of calm.

 

I was texting her, and realizing how much anxiety and dread it was giving me. How after i texted her, i would feel a rush of that anxiety simply waiting for her to respond. Will she respond? Will this be our last goodbye now? Why did i text her? Etc. Then you start hating yourself, and the evil cycle continues.

 

I looked at my phone, then at myself and i finally FINALLY got to a point of clarity: As much as I will miss my ex and the good times/memories, the current negatives of having her in my life FAR outweighs those positives. There is NOTHING your ex nor mine can say that will bring you actual happiness. You talking to them is simply taking a hit of a drug..feels good till the high dies and you are left with withdrawals again.

 

I would rather get through these HORRIBLE withdrawals once and for all, and suffer through that pain cleanly and by myself, then keep in contact with an ex whose existence in my life only brings severe anxiety, pain, OCD, and extra sadness (we already have enough sadness to deal with).

 

Only when you realize that the ex brings more pain than pleasure will u find the mental resolve to turn the page for good and not give in to breaking no contact or responding to their attempts at communication.

 

P.S

I get it. Its hard looking back at the times you first started dating and thinking about they are now someone who brings pain. That they are now someone who must be avoided, when they once were sought after to bring you happiness. Thats tough. Blocking that person, putting that person in your phone as "NEVER RESPOND". But we must all realize that the pain and agony from continued contact is the pain one experiences from a drug..short term relief followed by longer term pain, torture, and mental/physical anguish.

 

Sorry for the long block of text. But i think it was worth sharing.

[aloneinaz]

I agree breaks up are hard because they are a habit. You're use to seeing/talking or texting them everyday. Then suddenly, they are gone.. It's not an option anymore. Someone said going NC is putting the heart thru severe withdrawal.

 

I'm lucky I guess in that my relationship was rocky the last several months w/other break ups in there. I didn't trust my ex to not break up with me again and at times walked on egg shells around her moods, anger and temper. It was a classic TOXIC relationship and I was addicted to it. I knew in my heart of hearts that I should of left her months ago but for whatever reason, I couldn't do it. She broke up w/me for the final time and I said ENOUGH.. She'll NEVER hear from me again. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction that I was thinking of her.

[SimonSerenade]

I went through the exact same thing you did, definitely made it easier as it felt like we hadnt been together for a very long time due to all the break ups, she always promised things and said she couldn't be without me and sure enough, it all change in the blink of an eye, I may be sad but I definitely feel relieved knowing she can't do that to me anymore, I don't have to hear such cruel things and wait around for them to be taken back.

[SimonSerenade]

You hit me just like heroin.

I feel you coursing through my veins.

I once tried to kick this addiction

I swear I'll never kick again, won't ever kick again, no.

 

This addiction.

Can't seem to live without you.

This addiction,

No going clean.

This addiction,

Go through withdrawal without you.

Sick with this addiction in me.

 

Well, those others were like methadone

I took to get me through the day.

Now I'm trying to find my way back home,

Staying clean along the way.

Hold out for the real thing, yeah.

 

This addiction.

Can't seem to live without you.

This addiction,

No going clean.

This addiction,

Go through withdrawal without you.

Sick with this addiction in me.

 

This addiction.

This addiction.

This addiction.

I go off the rails without you.

Sick with this addiction in me.

 

Pretty sure this song hits home?

[aloneinaz]

I went through the exact same thing you did, definitely made it easier as it felt like we hadnt been together for a very long time due to all the break ups, she always promised things and said she couldn't be without me and sure enough, it all change in the blink of an eye, I may be sad but I definitely feel relieved knowing she can't do that to me anymore, I don't have to hear such cruel things and wait around for them to be taken back.

 

Yup, I'm a big believer that words don't mean crap, only peoples actions do. The day of the break up was a normal day. We texted and talked. We made vacation plans and I joked that she'd kick me to the curb if I did something specific. She said that wasn't an option, I was stuck w/her long term. She'd end the call with I love you. Went to her house, was feeding her kid. She came over, put her arms around me and said she loved me. An hour later her mood changed, she got short and bitchy w/me and I told her it was getting old because she was doing this more and more. She broke up w/me again, this time for the FINAL time. She's toxic. It just proves that she used words for no reason.

[Echo000]

my ex suffered, i think from immaturity. In this sense: she was sweet and loving with her words, telling me even now that she loves me and cares about me, how important I am to her, and how she cant let me go. Yet her actions never seem to match her words- its like she is incapable of showing the love she claims to have. For ex., telling me she wanted to talk but never returning my phone calls, calling me back, or making time to call me. Or her saying she loves and cares, yet even as she moves away makes no effort to make sure I am okay or even just manage to say goodbye nicely. Sad part is, she really doesnt mean to be that way, which is why i never walked away even though i should have probably a long time ago.

 

Last example: I will go on about how much i love her and am going to miss having her in my life, how much she means to me and always will be cherished by me. But now i have to go, block her and move on with my life. And she replies with- "I dont agree with the blocking at all".

 

LOL thats what you reply with?

 

Can anyone relate? Its not even on purpose, my ex was just never mature/aware enough. And i always hoped that would change, even though to this day it never has. Even as she leaves for good.

[SimonSerenade]

Yup, I'm a big believer that words don't mean crap, only peoples actions do. The day of the break up was a normal day. We texted and talked. We made vacation plans and I joked that she'd kick me to the curb if I did something specific. She said that wasn't an option, I was stuck w/her long term. She'd end the call with I love you. Went to her house, was feeding her kid. She came over, put her arms around me and said she loved me. An hour later her mood changed, she got short and bitchy w/me and I told her it was getting old because she was doing this more and more. She broke up w/me again, this time for the FINAL time. She's toxic. It just proves that she used words for no reason.

 

That's the part I never got my head around, the act, the last time we broke up and got back together, things were great, we were genuinely happy so it seemed and it all turned to crap again no less than 2 weeks later, it scares me how somebody can act like that, in the back of my mind I was just waiting for the next time to come out of nowhere but at that point I really didn't want to believe it, it's hard knowing you can't say or feel certain things nevermind do certain things without fear you'll be discarded for it.

[smileyz]

I was just driving home from work and thinking about all my long bouts with heroin and how they are virtually identical to my relationships..regarding the pain and the pleasure..the triggers..everything...years ago it was the only thing that would help my heartbreak (atleast temporarily)

[SimonSerenade]

my ex suffered, i think from immaturity. In this sense: she was sweet and loving with her words, telling me even now that she loves me and cares about me, how important I am to her, and how she cant let me go. Yet her actions never seem to match her words- its like she is incapable of showing the love she claims to have. For ex., telling me she wanted to talk but never returning my phone calls, calling me back, or making time to call me. Or her saying she loves and cares, yet even as she moves away makes no effort to make sure I am okay or even just manage to say goodbye nicely. Sad part is, she really doesnt mean to be that way, which is why i never walked away even though i should have probably a long time ago.

 

Last example: I will go on about how much i love her and am going to miss having her in my life, how much she means to me and always will be cherished by me. But now i have to go, block her and move on with my life. And she replies with- "I dont agree with the blocking at all".

 

LOL thats what you reply with?

 

Can anyone relate? Its not even on purpose, my ex was just never mature/aware enough. And i always hoped that would change, even though to this day it never has. Even as she leaves for good.

 

Sadly I can relate, it was all words and no actions or if there was actions, she'd go back on them so it didn't matter anyway, before she cut me off and ignored me completely, she said some nice things and said it wasn't my fault, it wasn't what she wanted, that was all, then she tells everyone I was this that and all the other and it was all my fault, like you, I figured she was immature as I was her first real relationship and she didn't know the correct way to handle things, I figured as the relationship went on she would mature and appreciate me for sticking around through all the bs and standing by her side, I stood by every messed up thing she ever said or did and forgave her for that very reason, I should of walked away long before she ever had a chance to and if I ever find myself with somebody like that again, I'll walk and never look back, that was a harsh lesson learned.

[Echo000]

totally feel the same..

 

i stood by her because i was in love, because it was familiar, and because i really hoped that any day she would mature and be the person i saw so much potential in. But i was disillusioned- that change was never coming nor has it ever come at all.

 

Even in the four months of NC, i matured and worked on myself and grew. When we got back in touch, she had not seemed to have bettered herself at all. If anything, she seemed more all over the place. So hard to let go of them though, because in spite of all this, your heart still finds itself loving them. And the idea of them. And what they could have been. And what they were to you

[cavalier99]

Echo. Give it a few more months and you eventually just wont care. I talk to my ex every month or so and it doesnt affect me at all. We just catch up on our new RS's ecetera.

 

She has bloated up since the BU, im not the least bit attracted to her, and im happy to be out of that RS. it truly is her loss not mine. I actually lucked out that she broke up with me. The suffering analysis and questioning just ends one day and none of it matters anymore. Rock on! Cav

[SimonSerenade]

I was just driving home from work and thinking about all my long bouts with heroin and how they are virtually identical to my relationships..regarding the pain and the pleasure..the triggers..everything...years ago it was the only thing that would help my heartbreak (atleast temporarily)

 

I can't say I've ever had heroin lol but at times in my life, I've quit smoking and I found myself thinking back to the times when I was sitting round with my little soldiers smoking myself stupid and having good times, they were always there for me and I swear I even cried over missing them.

[SimonSerenade]

totally feel the same..

 

i stood by her because i was in love, because it was familiar, and because i really hoped that any day she would mature and be the person i saw so much potential in. But i was disillusioned- that change was never coming nor has it ever come at all.

 

Even in the four months of NC, i matured and worked on myself and grew. When we got back in touch, she had not seemed to have bettered herself at all. If anything, she seemed more all over the place. So hard to let go of them though, because in spite of all this, your heart still finds itself loving them. And the idea of them. And what they could have been. And what they were to you

 

Ditto to this man, I was a fool in love, my mind was screaming at me telling me she hasn't changed yet after so long and she never will, so many times my instincts told me to get out of there and leave but I never did, I loved her through and through, it was a shame she didn't have the maturity to love me back the same way.

 

I still have very strong feelings for my ex, I shouldn't because she feels nothing for me and after all she's said and done, I should want nothing more than to wrap my hands around her neck until she's blue in the face but instead I find myself wanting to hold her in my arms and hear the false "I love you"'s all over again.

 

I was so sure we would end up married with a child of our own one day and have a very happy life together, I suppose I was the only one with those hopes and dreams in mind.

[Echo000]

Just had our final conversation via phone...

 

She stayed true to herself, and just was not mature. at all. She is moving away, and i was sad yet supportive of her since hearing this. All i requested was that, because she is leaving, that she let me go and respect my blocking her in order to let me move on. She could not understand how i "cant simply support me, at least while i move up there". "I love you and support you", i said, "but I need to stay away because this is over for good and i need to move on. Maybe one day i can give you the support you need, but with this new reality of you moving i just cant."

 

She had ZERO interest in understanding me and my wishes, nor did she even wish to end the conversation nicely. Constantly saying i just was not listening, that i was this and that and i just didnt understand. I am so used to that with her, and i am finally done trying to show her otherwise. i realized something:

 

She is too immature to understand me or what I say/mean. And i am too mature to understand her as well. If you are like me, you try to understand. But there comes a certain point that there is nothing to understand. I see that now. She has not changed one bit, and there is nothing i can do about that. And now the conversation is concluded, and i must move on.

 

Anyone else been through something similar? Reached the same conclusion? Sad but not devastating, because confirms that this person means well but is simply not capable of being at a certain of maturity and understanding.

[Echo000]

officially turning the page for good..took me 7 months to get to a point of finality but i have reached it. I understand there will be many hard moments, but i truly understand how important it is to stay strong now.