yougotmyheart Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 Everything is such a mess right now and I really, really need help. I don't have any friends or trusted older, wiser individual(s) to lend advice, so I came here. It may be a bit long, and I apologize for that in advance, it's just that it is A LOT going on. If you feel as if you'd be better able to give me advice through a private message, that would be fine as well. Thank you. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 years. I am 22 years old and he is 24 years old. We have been living together for almost 3 years now. We have two small kids, and I am currently pregnant with our third (and last!) child. Throughout the time that we've been living as a family in our own home, I have consistently been employed full-time and I have been the sole breadwinner for our family. My boyfriend has mostly worked odd, part-time jobs. Unfortunately, the jobs were never long lasting and he has been unemployed on and off throughout the past few years. He has never been able to hold up his end financially. You know how most couple split everything 50/50, like rent/utilities/other expenses? Yeah, well, that has NEVER happened for me. He has never been able to support our family and it has been an ongoing issue. I have always had to pay for EVERYTHING! This wouldn't be as much of an issue if I made a good living, but I don't. I don't make the kind of money where we can afford to have him stay home. Our family needs a 2nd income. But things have only gotten worse. In February of this year, I lost my job. I was unemployed for 4-5 months. This was HORRIBLE because everytime my boyfriend lost a job or went long periods of time without bringing in an income, I was always steadily employed and I was always able to keep things afloat. But because I was the one who lost my job this time around, there was absolutely nothing to fall back on. We were/are screwed. I have exhausted all of my income tax money, financial aid refund, money from family, and money from local churches/organizations to help maintain our expenses. It helped out for a couple of months, but it was not much. Now that I am working again (I started working last month), all of my paycheck has been going to past due rent to make sure that we are not evicted. Our electricity is facing a possible disconnection, which I don't have the money to prevent from happening. I don't have enough gas to make it through the week, so that I can get back and forth to work. Things are just so ****ed up. I honestly feel like I cannot keep trying to live my life this way. I truly feel like I am reaching a breaking point. I can't continue to live in extreme poverty and do this. It is a nightmare waking up each day knowing the **** I have to deal with. It is a nightmare going into my work place, knowing that the money I'm earning is simply NOT enough to pay any of my bills. I don't know what to do or where to go. Our lease is up this fall and I feel it would be smart to move in with someone else. But I don't have anyone to move in with. My mom and I don't have a great relationship and she actually kicked me out of her house when I was 18, after giving birth to m daughter. I absolutely do not feel comfortable going to her and asking for a place to stay, especially since her house is full of people (including my sick grandmother) and I would not be alone (My children would come with me as well). My boyfriend doesn't have any place for us to stay, either. His mother has a packed house (all of her adult children and grandchildren live with her). Then to top it off, my boyfriend has been speaking with me about marriage. I would like to marry him, he is a great person and an awesome father. BUT these financial issues are just not good and I don't want to marry someone in the midst of the crisis. Also, if we end up not being able to live together (due to not being able to afford our own place anymore) then I definitely don't want to be married. I don't know what I should do as far as our relationship goes. Can someone please help me??
Author yougotmyheart Posted July 9, 2013 Author Posted July 9, 2013 Something else I'd like to note as well: my boyfriend has been saying for the longest that I am not emotionally there for him. He says that it is hard for him to deal with this situation as a man and whenever I need him, he is always there. But whenever he needs me for emotional support, I am not there to give it to him. My thing is; it is SO hard to be able to emotionally support him. I feel that I am doing the best that I can. I am paying the bills and taking care of our family. I try to be as nice, loving, and sweet as I can. But I can't help but have an attitude a lot of time just due to the horrible situation I am in. I guess it is hard for me to try and be there for him in that way, when he isn't here for me in this way. I don't know
tman666 Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 What is preventing him from finding full time employment to be able to support you and his kids? Who takes care of most of the house/parenting duties? I have not been in your situation (thankfully), but I can somewhat relate from some past experiences... It sounds like your responsibilities and financial stress have hit a point where you're probably incapable of feeling much towards him (or probably much else) because you're simply too stressed and drained. I think that you guys need to sit down and talk about your future together and how to proceed forward with balancing out the situation. Personally, I think that getting married in the near future is an absolutely TERRIBLE idea until you guys resolve this situation and things have been consistently better for a good, long time.
Author yougotmyheart Posted July 10, 2013 Author Posted July 10, 2013 What is preventing him from finding full time employment to be able to support you and his kids? Who takes care of most of the house/parenting duties? I have not been in your situation (thankfully), but I can somewhat relate from some past experiences... It sounds like your responsibilities and financial stress have hit a point where you're probably incapable of feeling much towards him (or probably much else) because you're simply too stressed and drained. I think that you guys need to sit down and talk about your future together and how to proceed forward with balancing out the situation. Personally, I think that getting married in the near future is an absolutely TERRIBLE idea until you guys resolve this situation and things have been consistently better for a good, long time. What is preventing him from finding full time employment to be able to support you and his kids? In the past, the employment he was able to secure was part-time, seasonal work. It did not last. He also had a job in the general labor field, but left early a few times due to his back hurting on the job, so he was let go. He recently had a job, which again was part time, but they were only scheduling him 8 hours a week, so he left. I have helped him apply for jobs and and secure interviews, but he was not offered the position. Right now, he is applying for some jobs, but he cannot secure anything. I know the economy is horrible, but it's been like this for the past few years now and he just hasn't been able to land a decent job where he can hold up his end. Who takes care of most of the house/parenting duties? We don't have very much duties around the house. Mainly just preparing meals & washing dishes. He typically does that, being that I work all day. Obviously, with him being unemployed, our child who is currently not enrolled in school will be at home with him. I really am stressed and drained. I especially feel that way now. We've been in this sort of situation for years, but it has especially gotten worse over the past year as far as not having enough food for our family during certain points of the month, not having gas to get back and forth, not being able to pay on our bills, being consistently behind on the rent. It is just getting worse and worse. I just feel like I cannot continue on this path. I feel like everything I am doing (as far as going to work and what not) is a waste of time, because it doesn't do anything for us. All of my paycheck is gone within 2-3 days, literally. I am not sure of what I can do at this point to improve my situation, but I really need answers. Every time we talk about it, it goes NO where. He is ALWAYS optimistic about the situation. He keeps saying it will be okay and we will make it through as a family. He keeps encouraging me to talk to him whenever I feel down. But it's hard to because I guess I feel like HE is the problem. I have resentment inside still because I feel as if he is the reason for our family's hardships. I can't keep feeling hopeful all the time. I am ready to see results, not keep hoping that I may see them one day. It's so hard to deal with.
Els Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 OP, if he picks up work again, who will watch the child? If he has no qualifications, do you feel the work he gets will make up for the cost of daycare/transport? 1
Arabella Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 Well, what exactly do you hope to accomplish by ending the relationship? - You will still have to care for 2-3 children - You will not have help around the house - You probably won't get consistent child support, since he has no job I'm not saying it's a good relationship, but if you're going to leave him, don't let money be the ONLY reason... looks to me like the situation wouldn't really improve. Say you leave... then what? 2
clia Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 Well, what exactly do you hope to accomplish by ending the relationship? - You will still have to care for 2-3 children - You will not have help around the house - You probably won't get consistent child support, since he has no job I'm not saying it's a good relationship, but if you're going to leave him, don't let money be the ONLY reason... looks to me like the situation wouldn't really improve. Say you leave... then what? ^^^^^^ This!
tman666 Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 As much as you might resent the situation (which may feel like you resent him), the fact that you guys have kids together adds a lot of incentive to try and find a solution. The thing is that you guys got yourselves into this situation together. Finding solutions (together) is probably your best bet at this point. What are some of this guy's positive qualities? You said that he does most of the cooking and is a great dad. Those are some great things, to be sure (especially the being a good dad part). In terms of work, have you guys considered looking in another area of the country where jobs are more prevalent? For example, there is a lot of well paying oilfield work in certain areas of the country right now. Granted, everything has trade offs. To run with the oilfield work example, the hours tend to be very long and at odd times, the work tends to be very physically demanding, and it can be dangerous. However, the pay can be great. There are other things, however, that a person can do to make money without much in the way of qualifications. Car/equipment sales is one example (if one has the personality for it). Also, you might want to consider looking for new opportunities on your end of things too (better jobs, more education/certifications, extra part time work, etc.). Right now, it sounds like you guys are basically in a pickle because there's not enough inflow of cash to support even a basic standard of living. The first priority should be, in my opinion, to change that fact ASAP. It might involve moving across the country away from friends and family. It might mean even MORE sacrifice and hard work from both of you. However, if you are able to find at least some semblance of financial stability, you guys can start taking the necessary next steps, which will be to increase your job market value. Job experience is good and essential, but the reality is that degrees, certifications, and licenses (i.e. qualifications) are just as important, especially when it comes to getting your foot in the door. Obviously, that's probably a little ways down the road for you guys at this point, but I think it should at least be on the radar. My mother went back to school and earned her degree in her 40's while raising 3 kids and working part time. It is possible, even more so these days with many accredited universities and colleges offering online degree programs. Technical certifications (CDL, welding, mechanical, medical, etc.) can also be good investments. Just my $.02. Don't lose hope. Form a call to action together.
FitChick Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 He's never had good, full time, steady employment but you kept popping out kids. That told him it was okay doing what he was doing. Be sure to have your tubes tied after this kid is born.
KungFuJoe Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 Op, This might sound harsh, but you made your bed now you get to sleep in it. Your finances were always bleak, yet you choose to have not one, not two, but THREE kids? And now you want to break up your family? You said it yourself...your bf is a good man and a good father. In this economy, being a "good" person doesn't quality you for a job. It sounds like he's trying to find a job but just can't. You're going to have to suck it up and suffer a bit until he can find a job. If he's just sitting on his ass all day, that's a different story. But as long as he continues looking all the while helping you with the kids and housework, I don't see you having much room for complaint.
whirl3daway Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 Wow... I can't fathom having one child, and I am in a decent financial place. Why did you decide to have a third child? Can he do a side job like selling things on ebay? Mcdonalds? Is he trying to collect unemployment? His job situation is really unacceptable, and not indicative of someone who truly cares for his family's wellbeing, and thus not a good candidate for marriage IMO.
Author yougotmyheart Posted July 13, 2013 Author Posted July 13, 2013 OP, if he picks up work again, who will watch the child? If he has no qualifications, do you feel the work he gets will make up for the cost of daycare/transport? Our eldest child is already enrolled in preschool. Also, we have close family who will babysit our smallest children.
Author yougotmyheart Posted July 13, 2013 Author Posted July 13, 2013 Well, what exactly do you hope to accomplish by ending the relationship? - You will still have to care for 2-3 children - You will not have help around the house - You probably won't get consistent child support, since he has no job I'm not saying it's a good relationship, but if you're going to leave him, don't let money be the ONLY reason... looks to me like the situation wouldn't really improve. Say you leave... then what? I can definitely understand where you're coming from.
Author yougotmyheart Posted July 13, 2013 Author Posted July 13, 2013 As much as you might resent the situation (which may feel like you resent him), the fact that you guys have kids together adds a lot of incentive to try and find a solution. The thing is that you guys got yourselves into this situation together. Finding solutions (together) is probably your best bet at this point. What are some of this guy's positive qualities? You said that he does most of the cooking and is a great dad. Those are some great things, to be sure (especially the being a good dad part). In terms of work, have you guys considered looking in another area of the country where jobs are more prevalent? For example, there is a lot of well paying oilfield work in certain areas of the country right now. Granted, everything has trade offs. To run with the oilfield work example, the hours tend to be very long and at odd times, the work tends to be very physically demanding, and it can be dangerous. However, the pay can be great. There are other things, however, that a person can do to make money without much in the way of qualifications. Car/equipment sales is one example (if one has the personality for it). Also, you might want to consider looking for new opportunities on your end of things too (better jobs, more education/certifications, extra part time work, etc.). Right now, it sounds like you guys are basically in a pickle because there's not enough inflow of cash to support even a basic standard of living. The first priority should be, in my opinion, to change that fact ASAP. It might involve moving across the country away from friends and family. It might mean even MORE sacrifice and hard work from both of you. However, if you are able to find at least some semblance of financial stability, you guys can start taking the necessary next steps, which will be to increase your job market value. Job experience is good and essential, but the reality is that degrees, certifications, and licenses (i.e. qualifications) are just as important, especially when it comes to getting your foot in the door. Obviously, that's probably a little ways down the road for you guys at this point, but I think it should at least be on the radar. My mother went back to school and earned her degree in her 40's while raising 3 kids and working part time. It is possible, even more so these days with many accredited universities and colleges offering online degree programs. Technical certifications (CDL, welding, mechanical, medical, etc.) can also be good investments. Just my $.02. Don't lose hope. Form a call to action together. I really do appreciate your response. You gave me some great advice as well as some great options to look into. He has a lot of great qualities. He helps out around the house, he is an excellent father to our children, he is a great man to me. He is always there for me emotionally and genuinely cares about me. We haven't seriously considered moving to another part of the county. But that could definitely be an option. It's just that, with us currently not having much income to get by, I am not sure of how we would go about moving. I am actually enrolled in college. I took a break for this Summer and Fall semester, but I will be returning next year. I definitely want to graduate and see what opportunities will be there for my family. I will certainly look into some of the certification options, for both him and myself. Thank you again! I will remain hopeful, even though it is hard.
Author yougotmyheart Posted July 13, 2013 Author Posted July 13, 2013 Op, This might sound harsh, but you made your bed now you get to sleep in it. Your finances were always bleak, yet you choose to have not one, not two, but THREE kids? And now you want to break up your family? You said it yourself...your bf is a good man and a good father. In this economy, being a "good" person doesn't quality you for a job. It sounds like he's trying to find a job but just can't. You're going to have to suck it up and suffer a bit until he can find a job. If he's just sitting on his ass all day, that's a different story. But as long as he continues looking all the while helping you with the kids and housework, I don't see you having much room for complaint. You are right. Definitely a reality check for me. I appreciate your response.
Author yougotmyheart Posted July 13, 2013 Author Posted July 13, 2013 You all have been very, very helpful and have given me a reality check, most definitely. I will continue to show support to my boyfriend while he continues to search for employment. I will remain hopeful and keep our family together. Thank you again.
Author yougotmyheart Posted July 13, 2013 Author Posted July 13, 2013 Man takes care of the household and children, doesn't consistently work outside the home = deadbeat unworthy of long term commitment. Woman takes care of the househole and children, doesn't work outside the home = housewife. Maybe the OP should get a better job, that's what we'd be telling a man in her position. As I mentioned in my previous post, if we had an arrangement where we decided that he could be a 'housedad' and stay home with the family, that is one thing. This is not that sort of situation, however. I'd expect for any family, no matter man or woman, if one income isn't enough, there should be two. Point blank period. We don't come from a world where one of us can afford to stay home. It's just not possible.
Els Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 Our eldest child is already enrolled in preschool. Also, we have close family who will babysit our smallest children. Ah, okay. If babysitting is not necessary, and you feel your income really cannot sustain this, sit down with him and show him the figures and tell him that? That alone should be motivation enough for most men. If it isn't... you probably have deeper problems with this one. All the best.
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