When did wanting to be taken care of become a bad thing?

July 9, 2013

I suppose I'm more traditional in my personal life, generally. But my idea of a relationship is to find a man who wants to build a life with me, who wants to protect me and provide for me and respect me and... well, take care of me! I'd like to feel as though I have someone to look up to, to lean on, and to follow and trust, just as much as he can look to, lean on, and trust me. Honestly, I'd like to feel safe (among other things, of course!! ).

It's not that I'm helpless: I've survived this long without a man, and it isn't like I would become frighteningly dependent upon him, but a guy took it upon himself to yell "Chivalry is dead" in my face the other day, so I'm kind of loosing hope...

Not to get too nerdy, but where are the Harry Dresdens of the world?

I won't give a guy dirty looks if he opens a door for me, I won't refuse to sit down if he offers me his chair, I won't insist that I can carry my own things when he offers, because that IS a sign of respect that they have for us, right? They aren't just trying to say that we can't do things like this for ourselves... But are guys like that still out there?

PS: please don't think that I'm sending a hate message to feminists, or anything of the sort!! I completely respect women for that, I just think I'm coming at everything from a different (and personal!!) perspective.

July 9, 2013

Guys like that are probably still out there, but assumedly a lot of men have gotten the message now that women are their equals and don't need anybody to look after them or protect them...

I want to be with someone who can look after me sometimes, like when I'm sick or scared, but I also want to be able to look after them.. I wouldn't sneer at someone holding a door open, because I do it for others of both genders all the time, it's basic politeness. I would not under any circumstances allow myself to become financially dependent on a man, unless it was because jointly we were rearing children and one of us had to give up work for a while.

I'm not saying this is you, but I absolutely 100% cannot wrap my head around women who look for a husband (anyone will do) and plan to give up work when they marry. Unless they're just spongers. I mean... where's the self respect?

July 9, 2013

Because adults should be able to take care of themselves and have relationships with other adults on an equal level.

July 9, 2013

i am exactly the same......therapists call wanting to eb taken care of co dependency.......sad state of affairs huh.....the thing is i want to be taken care of and give that care back...side by side.......and since when does being a gentleman who opens doors become so bad........men in my life who i have respected......loved kids....got on their knees for kids actually...one of them being me...smilin.......they opened doors and treated women so compassionately....i just want a guy like my grandpa.....same values same standards same prtiective instinct..that man is my beacon for what should be.......that guy who like him, rocked my world...watch this space...im still looking.....they exist....i know because i have renewed hope after meeting soemone who restored my conviction in what a man should be....what a guy..........hope you find your man..........:0)....................deb

July 9, 2013

I suppose I'm more traditional in my personal life, generally. But my idea of a relationship is to find a man who wants to build a life with me, who wants to protect me and provide for me and respect me and... well, take care of me! I'd like to feel as though I have someone to look up to, to lean on, and to follow and trust, just as much as he can look to, lean on, and trust me. Honestly, I'd like to feel safe (among other things, of course!! ).

It's not that I'm helpless: I've survived this long without a man, and it isn't like I would become frighteningly dependent upon him, but a guy took it upon himself to yell "Chivalry is dead" in my face the other day, so I'm kind of loosing hope...

Not to get too nerdy, but where are the Harry Dresdens of the world?

I won't give a guy dirty looks if he opens a door for me, I won't refuse to sit down if he offers me his chair, I won't insist that I can carry my own things when he offers, because that IS a sign of respect that they have for us, right? They aren't just trying to say that we can't do things like this for ourselves... But are guys like that still out there?

PS: please don't think that I'm sending a hate message to feminists, or anything of the sort!! I completely respect women for that, I just think I'm coming at everything from a different (and personal!!) perspective.

Nothing wrong with what you want...I'm sure there are lots of guys out there who would be willing to provide you with those things...but there will probably be a caveat.

Those same men will probably be very controlling as well.

So you have to basically ask yourself...is being "taken care of" worth also losing some of your independence.

July 9, 2013

Yes they are out there. No there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. For those who think it means you lose your independence or are incapable of taking care of yourself or are a leach I feel sorry for them because they are condemning something they do not understand and fear and that is sad.

Don't sacrifice your values and I hope that you will find the right man with the same values.

July 11, 2013

Try dating men from other more traditional cultures.

July 11, 2013

But my idea of a relationship is to find a man who wants to build a life with me, who wants to protect me and provide for me and respect me and... well, take care of me! I'd like to feel as though I have someone to look up to, to lean on, and to follow and trust, just as much as he can look to, lean on, and trust me. Honestly, I'd like to feel safe (among other things, of course!! ).

You sound very normal to me. While some girls will deny this, it is almost always true.

July 11, 2013

"Chivalry is dead"

People kill me with this Chivalry was a code for Knights not some way to treat a woman even though is was a small portion of the code. How about instead of calling it chivalry just say being respectful to women?

July 11, 2013

I understand where you are coming from OP.

I struggle with the modern idea of gender equality and how it transfers to romantic relationships.

I have been single in my life more than I've been in a relationship. I've learned to fend for myself as a result. When there is a problem- I solve it for myself. If I have a leaky tap, I crawl under the sink, if I have to move something heavy, I drag it on a blanket- even to the detriment of my back.

As a woman, I want to be strong and independent- but I don't want to be masculine.

My recent ex and I were talking the other day and he told me that one thing that put him off about me was that I never asked for help when we were together, and that made him feel like he wasn't needed. He cited a time where I wanted to hang a heavy mirror in my foyer and he offered to put it up for me. I had a day off, wanted the mirror up- and spent the whole day struggling to put it up. It was a 90lb mirror- big and heavy, heavy, heavy. I spent a long time getting it from storage to being hung- even set up little makeshift steps to lift it in increments until I finally finished the job.

I felt like I'd accomplished something and was so happy to show him what I'd done... He was really mad at me when he came over. He told me the other day that I sometimes offended him because he wanted to do things for me but I seemed too keen to just do those things without his help.

July 11, 2013

There is no harm in what you desire, and there are definitely men who will want to fill that role (to a degree), but you need to understand the caveat that some of those men are going to have preferences or opinions that might be...well... not too politically-correct. For instance, some of them might desire women with few previous partners, or women who can cook, etc, depending on the individual. Would you be okay with those, or not?

If you feel you might be okay with some of that, then it is worth looking into men from more traditional cultures, as Eggplant suggests. Obviously, it's difficult to pigeonhole people into stereotypes, but statistically speaking, you may have your best bet there.

July 11, 2013

I felt like I'd accomplished something and was so happy to show him what I'd done... He was really mad at me when he came over.

Wow, this is really odd! I can understand him telling you, "Babe, you should've called me!", but being mad at you?

The bf usually does all of the stuff that needs a lot of physical strength, but I recall he was once working a very long shift and there was something that I absolutely just needed to move. So I did it... very slowly and painstakingly. When he came back, he was quite surprised and impressed! Maybe it's a case of minor GIGS that every guy has.

July 11, 2013

I suppose I'm more traditional in my personal life, generally. But my idea of a relationship is to find a man who wants to build a life with me, who wants to protect me and provide for me and respect me and... well, take care of me! I'd like to feel as though I have someone to look up to, to lean on, and to follow and trust, just as much as he can look to, lean on, and trust me. Honestly, I'd like to feel safe (among other things, of course!! ).

It's not that I'm helpless: I've survived this long without a man, and it isn't like I would become frighteningly dependent upon him, but a guy took it upon himself to yell "Chivalry is dead" in my face the other day, so I'm kind of loosing hope...

Not to get too nerdy, but where are the Harry Dresdens of the world?

I won't give a guy dirty looks if he opens a door for me, I won't refuse to sit down if he offers me his chair, I won't insist that I can carry my own things when he offers, because that IS a sign of respect that they have for us, right? They aren't just trying to say that we can't do things like this for ourselves... But are guys like that still out there?

PS: please don't think that I'm sending a hate message to feminists, or anything of the sort!! I completely respect women for that, I just think I'm coming at everything from a different (and personal!!) perspective.

Do you need to be taken care of? Most mature men shy away from women that are needy. And if you don't need to be taken care of, why would you even want to be with someone that takes care of you. That doesn't make any sense. Mature men also shy away from women that are illogical. No wonder you've been single for so long!

July 11, 2013

Here is a question everyone who is even considering dating needs to think about.

What are YOU bringing to the table?

July 11, 2013

I suppose I'm more traditional in my personal life, generally. But my idea of a relationship is to find a man who wants to build a life with me, who wants to protect me and provide for me and respect me and... well, take care of me! I'd like to feel as though I have someone to look up to, to lean on, and to follow and trust, just as much as he can look to, lean on, and trust me. Honestly, I'd like to feel safe (among other things, of course!! ).

It's not that I'm helpless: I've survived this long without a man, and it isn't like I would become frighteningly dependent upon him, but a guy took it upon himself to yell "Chivalry is dead" in my face the other day, so I'm kind of loosing hope...

Not to get too nerdy, but where are the Harry Dresdens of the world?

I won't give a guy dirty looks if he opens a door for me, I won't refuse to sit down if he offers me his chair, I won't insist that I can carry my own things when he offers, because that IS a sign of respect that they have for us, right? They aren't just trying to say that we can't do things like this for ourselves... But are guys like that still out there?

PS: please don't think that I'm sending a hate message to feminists, or anything of the sort!! I completely respect women for that, I just think I'm coming at everything from a different (and personal!!) perspective.

Both partners should count on, trust and protect each-other.

I hold doors open, pull out chairs and do nice things for anyone, if I am able. Chivalry isn't dead, people are just bitter and are wary of romance being fake and fleeting.

I am a one woman kinda guy and I would protect and care for my partner, but yeah it has to be a two way street. My mom and dad both worked and they worked together to fix up the house and build a life together. It didn't always work 100% all the time, but they were together 20 years, til she passed on. Nothing is perfect and far too many people give up based on real relationship issues everyone has to deal with (money, time, care) and far too many people don't give up on abusive narcissistic flaky people (users, abusers, self-centered egotism).

July 11, 2013

Here is a question everyone who is even considering dating needs to think about.

What are YOU bringing to the table?

Hungarian Goulash, red wine, beer and home made bread.

July 11, 2013

Ideally, for me, the man would take care of the woman and the woman in turn would take care of the man as well.

July 11, 2013

There is a difference between wanting to e taken care of and being codependent.

I think all the things you said you wanted exist. My man is all of those. Every man I have been with has wanted to do all those things, that never meant I wasn't my own person or that they didn't want me to be a strong woman.

July 11, 2013

I won't give a guy dirty looks if he opens a door for me, I won't refuse to sit down if he offers me his chair, I won't insist that I can carry my own things when he offers, because that IS a sign of respect that they have for us, right?

IME, it's a sign of a certain socialization regarding how a man interacts with women, in general, without regard to romantic intent. That said, after a lot of negative reinforcement in my demographic, I modified such behaviors to better conform to the social norms around here. Fortunately, they're dormant rather than extinct and I do occasionally resurrect them for certain interactions, generally with ladies of older generations than my own for whom such behaviors are still both desired and appreciated.

They aren't just trying to say that we can't do things like this for ourselves... But are guys like that still out there?

IMO, such actions are performed more from a sense of care and respect for the strengths women bring to the table in society; of course, this has changed in recent generations, so such behaviors are continually in flux. In my generation, there are definitely guys like that still out there and those of us who believe in such behaviors likely have role-modeled our sons similarly, though they become their own men when integrating with their peers, so those outcomes are unknown.

Continue to encourage and appreciate such behaviors and see how it goes.

July 11, 2013

I understand where you are coming from OP.

I struggle with the modern idea of gender equality and how it transfers to romantic relationships.

I have been single in my life more than I've been in a relationship. I've learned to fend for myself as a result. When there is a problem- I solve it for myself. If I have a leaky tap, I crawl under the sink, if I have to move something heavy, I drag it on a blanket- even to the detriment of my back.

As a woman, I want to be strong and independent- but I don't want to be masculine.

My recent ex and I were talking the other day and he told me that one thing that put him off about me was that I never asked for help when we were together, and that made him feel like he wasn't needed. He cited a time where I wanted to hang a heavy mirror in my foyer and he offered to put it up for me. I had a day off, wanted the mirror up- and spent the whole day struggling to put it up. It was a 90lb mirror- big and heavy, heavy, heavy. I spent a long time getting it from storage to being hung- even set up little makeshift steps to lift it in increments until I finally finished the job.

I felt like I'd accomplished something and was so happy to show him what I'd done... He was really mad at me when he came over. He told me the other day that I sometimes offended him because he wanted to do things for me but I seemed too keen to just do those things without his help.

fascinating! I think it's mostly because what we took for granted in terms of expectations and such have changed along with the recent social changes in the past century. In your case, it seems like your want of feeling independent conflicted with his want of feeling manly and needed. Without him being able to help you with random physical tasks, he probably felt ... like his job was stolen? He probably didn't know anymore what his part of the relationship consisted of, since it has veered off of traditional roles and expectations, and freaked.

On OP, I don't really see how these are signs of a more traditional male :

"I won't give a guy dirty looks if he opens a door for me, I won't refuse to sit down if he offers me his chair, I won't insist that I can carry my own things when he offers. " I open doors, give seats, and offer to carry things all the time, and I don't really consider myself traditional (or a gentleman, really). To me, that's just being considerate, nothing more.

And yea, I'm sure there's a lot of guys who'd be willing to fill that role of "taking care of you". A lot of guys get off on "being the man", and as much as times have changed, many people's romantic relationship expectations are unchanged from traditional ones.

July 11, 2013

It became a bad thing the moment women started telling us we have two hands so we can make our own dinner.

I can make my own dinner, you can pull up your own chair.

So you would just do something for someone with the expectation of something in return?

I don't mind to behave like a gentleman with a woman and she doesn't need to cook for me... If I am with a woman I like her to feel special around me and any way of doing that is fine for me.. I don't expect anything on return...

July 11, 2013

I have a problem with inequality.

Well then you have born in the wrong world... we are all different and people have been granted with totally unequal life situations from the moment they have born.

I don't see how a man being a gentleman with a woman who doesn't cook for you creates a unequal situation anyway...

July 11, 2013

I was actually born in the right world, there are plenty of women who are in favor of being equals to the men they date.

Either by being truly egalitarian or by reciprocating adherence to certain traditional gender roles.

Well if that is really the most important thing for you... good luck

I don't have any predefined role in a relationship, I kind of adapt to the women I date... it opens a big horizon of possibilities

July 11, 2013

I suppose I'm more traditional in my personal life, generally. But my idea of a relationship is to find a man who wants to build a life with me, who wants to protect me and provide for me and respect me and... well, take care of me! I'd like to feel as though I have someone to look up to, to lean on, and to follow and trust, just as much as he can look to, lean on, and trust me. Honestly, I'd like to feel safe (among other things, of course!! ).

It's not that I'm helpless: I've survived this long without a man, and it isn't like I would become frighteningly dependent upon him, but a guy took it upon himself to yell "Chivalry is dead" in my face the other day, so I'm kind of loosing hope...

Not to get too nerdy, but where are the Harry Dresdens of the world?

I won't give a guy dirty looks if he opens a door for me, I won't refuse to sit down if he offers me his chair, I won't insist that I can carry my own things when he offers, because that IS a sign of respect that they have for us, right? They aren't just trying to say that we can't do things like this for ourselves... But are guys like that still out there?

PS: please don't think that I'm sending a hate message to feminists, or anything of the sort!! I completely respect women for that, I just think I'm coming at everything from a different (and personal!!) perspective.

I would not expect anything less than what you have stated. I can bring in the cash too though to make sure that the financial aspect does not fall too heavily on my H.

Codependancy is essential in a relationship. It is not a dirty word. It is only bad if one person has little to give.

The model of the man looking after the woman to me means looking out for her, doing things for her willingly and being protective. There are men out there who would feel at home doing this. There are sex aids for anything less than this which are quite effective.

I think it is down to how people are raised.

Take care,

Eve x

July 11, 2013

So you would just do something for someone with the expectation of something in return?

I don't mind to behave like a gentleman with a woman and she doesn't need to cook for me... If I am with a woman I like her to feel special around me and any way of doing that is fine for me.. I don't expect anything on return...

Agree..this is what "real love" is right??? Caring about the happiness of others without expecting/wanting anything in return.

Sign In

When did wanting to be taken care of become a bad thing?

Recommended Posts

darlin_98

in_absentia

Woggle

todreaminblue

KungFuJoe

HokeyReligions

Eggplant

skydiveaddict

joystickd

D-Lish

Els

Els

Weezy1973

Keenly

Dread Pirate Roberts

Dread Pirate Roberts

Eggplant

miss_jaclynrae

carhill

Roadkill007

therhythm

therhythm

therhythm

Eve

jphcbpa

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...